Time to make the donuts...
First of all, this story has the potential to be fairly decent, at the very
least an average read. It does, however, suffer from a number of problems.
1. The author obviously has no concept of proofreading, not to mention of
several rules of English grammar. The fic is rife with typos, excess and/or
missing words, and dozens of punctuation errors. Run-on sentences,
fragments, and the like abound. Also, a little effort in checking for
misused homophones would be helpful. When you use a word, look back at the
sentence and make sure that the word you're using fits...if it doesn't, the
correct word probably sounds the same but is spelled differently. For
example, in here you use 'grizzly' to refer to pictures of dead bodies.
While I'm sure homeless men can be quite *grizzly* not having access to a
razor on a regular basis, the word that correctly describes a gruesome, gory
image or scene is *grisly*. There's also a difference between being 'taught'
a lesson and pulling a rope *taut*. Not to mention the difference between
playing a 'chord' on a piano and hanging from a bungee *cord*.
2. Too many elements are ripped directly out of the first Batman movie. I'm
sorry, but the 'business meeting' scene and the infamous Jack Nicholson
quote don't scream homage, they scream rip-off. As does the "I'm Batman" bit
and the two thugs talking about "bad things...like a giant bat."
3. Too many plot contrivances, hacknied plot elements, and just plain bad
continuity. For instance...how did a bat get into the house...for that
matter, what is a bat doing in the middle of Nerima in the first place? The
reason bats were conveniently available in the original is that the Wayne
estate was built over a natural cavern. If there were caverns beneath the
Tendou estate, the insanity of the myriad battles that have taken place
there would have sunk the entire house into them by now. Other things of
note arise especially in the scene with the pimp and the prostitute--she
claims that the cops are making things hard, when we saw two cops *ignore* a
gaggle of whores on the street corner (or were led to believe we saw this,
at any rate); also, how does one reach into a woman's bra if his arms are
crossed? That would take some feat of flexibility.
4. Some things just don't make sense. I can't see Akane--or ANYONE in the
combined Tendou and Saotome families--getting broken up over Cologne's
death. They'd be more likely to hear about it, say "That's a shame", MAYBE
attend the funeral, and then forget all about it. Cologne is hardly what one
would call a family friend, or anyone truly close to the Tendou family or to
Ranma, despite her role in his life.
There are some things in this story which particularly work. I like the
characterization of Ranma here...it works nicely with the Batman mythos.
Also, the concept of Soun as a reluctant Alfred is intriguing. And of
course, despite the abuse of cliched material from the first Batman movie,
Kodachi does make an effective Joker. Also, while I would probably have
chosen Kunou as Two-Face, what the author has done with him here works
rather well.
As I said, this story has potential. However, it needs a LOT of work before
it's ready to be posted to RAAC.
ooooooooooooooooooo
Disagreeable Jim
He who denied it, supplied it.
Just say no to prophylactics.