Well, finally I have the time to comment on this.
This post addresses most of my misgivings about
the chapter and I'd just add my stuff in.
For the record, Allyn, your writing has gotten better and
the formatting and the grammar problems seem to have
been taken care of, except for a few instances.
Well, on with it...
My personal concern is that suddenly everything and
the kitchen sink is
being thrown into the plot, and I think it's suffering
for it. The
premise from the beginning was a simple and
interesting one -- the
leaderless Sailor Senshi fighting a losing battle
against the Dark
Kingdom, with Soban now entering the picture to change
it in unforseen
ways. However, now we have the villains from just
about every Sailor
Moon
season running around simultaneously, allied with each
other,
##Errrr, actually this is a necessary part of the
plot. W/O SM to counteract the DK there
was nothing to stop the other Bad Guys from showing up
and staking a claim.
What I'd like to see is what this timeline's timeline is.
If you examine it, SM wasn't actually neccesary to
counteract the DK, she just happened to be found first.
The appearance of the bad guys all at the same time is
in my opinion a bit of going overboard.
The other bad guys showed up, in nice decently spaced
intervals. And I was actually enjoying this chapter until I
read that part. The entire thing would have been just fine
with the DK alone... and that way you could have made
sequels. ^_^
No, really, the appearance of every enemy in the SM
universe snaps my disbelief suspenders, to borrow a
phrase and had me saying "WHAT THE FUCK!?" quite
a few times.
Beryl is the
only thing that stands between the earth and the
forces of evil. And she's not what you would consider
a force for good. It's rather like the Russians in
WWII protecting Jews from
Germans. Not because they _liked_ the Jews, but
because they hated the Germans
and because they had a use for the Jews as forced
labor. (this is a rather simplistic versions
of events, but it conveys the general idea)
So, in this case we have Beryl making alliances to
defend her _almost_ conquest of earth
against other invaders. And the other invaders forming
their own alliances. ^_^
Oh, I definitely got that impression -- that this was basically an
alliance of convenience that would collapse hopelessly once one of the
parties figured they didn't need the others any more. But still, I think
that Beryl's best defense, and the one she'd be most likely to think of,
would be to gather more energy faster, awaken her master Queen Metallia,
and use Metallia's power to wipe the annoyances off the face of the earth.
Inviting folks like Wiseman and Mistress 9 into her lair, so to speak,
strikes me as a little risky.
Agreed, and if you noticed by the end of SM's first season, Mettalia
was awakened. If the Senshi have been operating longer than that
then they're technically dead meat.
*plus*
we've
got the entire cast and plot of Blue Seed (which I
must admit I've
never
seen) thrown into the mix.
##Well, it didn't seem reasonable that the DK and
company would be the ONLY
problems. And BS seemed to fit into the mix very well.
There are a lot
of similarities between SM and BS, yet enough
differences to make a nice
contrast.
Again, the appearance of the BS cast really jarred me.
I agree with Scott Johnston's assesment that the fic is
starting to lose focus. I love the Soban focus, a lot more
than BS. If you really want to write, make it into a sidestory.
But that's my opinion. You're the writer.
Leaving aside the continuity problems
(would
Wiseman still be there without chasing Chibi-Usa into
the past? Where
is
Pegasus hiding?
##Two very interesting questions. You will be finding
out about
Pegasus in chapter 8. Wiseman . . .well, he's got
problems of his own that
will be revealed as the story progresses.
Well, I can't say I'm not looking forward to it. :-)
Interesting questions, yes, but once again I'm sensing
that you're starting to lose control here.
Writer's rule #34: Never let the story take control. Show
it who's boss.
What's Fiore's story, if Mamoru's parents are still
alive?
##Another good question. Fiore plays a rather crucial
role in
chapter 9. I don't want to give any spoilers but I
assure you that
it _should_ make sense in the fullness of time. (no
pun intended)
Good to know. Just as long as you're thinking about all this. :-)
As long as it manages to cohere in the end, I have no problems
with it. But you better make sure it coheres or this will turn into
what my old professors called a "spaghetti story", a big mess
with meatballs, noodles and sauce all over your face.
Why haven't the Senshi run into anyone but the Dark
Kingdom
yet,
if the others are out there taking Heart
Crystals/Dream
Mirrors/whatever?
##They have . . .to a limited degree. I haven't really
introduced any of the
villains until this chapter after all. And the Senshi
have limited knowledge of
their enemies. Without Usagi/SM/Super-SM/Princess
Serenity they've been on
the defensive for all this time so they haven't really
had time to do much except
survive.
Again Usagi/SM/PS was not exactly that neccesary until
the end or nearly halfway through the first season. But I'm guessing
you're working on the assumption that SM was the only one
capable of taking down youma...
Hell, this story is starting down a path that will probably make
me lose interest. The earlier chapters were good with chapter 6
being the best of the lot, but this ...
Well, I can see that. But they've mentioned the Dark Generals and nobody
else to this point, which means they probably haven't seen any of the
Weird Sisters or the Witches Five or the Amazon Trio or whatnot. Which
implies that they've met very few droids, daimons, lemures, and so forth,
since they generally had their creators/masters hanging about. And people
like Mimette and Tiger's Eye are hard to forget. ;-) So at a guess,
either everyone but the Dark Kingdom's been fairly low-key up to this
point, or the Senshi just haven't chanced across them.
Which snaps my disbelief suspenders again and makes me
swear again and again. The other enemies were idiot but they
weren't that totally idiotic.
<snip>
I _think_ that the "clues" that are scattered all over
the place are reasonable, especially in the
SM universe, but I will certainly go back and check.
They are partially in support of the plot,
partially an homage to the original amine.
A lot of it depends on what you're building up to, of course, and how you
have everyone react when they do realize it.
I agree. You better make this work Allyn, or I'll buy a ticket
to wherever you are and spank you myself. ^_^
For the life of me, I can't yet see what adding all of
these elements
does
for the story aside from complicating it immensely.
##Ummm, it was NOT my idea. However it seemed to
follow logically
from the set-up. After all, in the original series,
Ali and Ann followed soon after the defeat
of Beryl. Then the Black Moon clan, the Death Busters,
Dead Moon Circus, etc. The fact
SM is missing would NOT stop them from coming. Quite
the contrary, she's not there to
stop them so they would be _stronger_. And they would
be falling over each other by this
time. ^_^
Well, what point in time is this, anyway? I generally go by the Sailor
Moon RPG timeline, which is pretty well-thought-out. In it, the Dark
Kingdom lasts for a bit under a year. Ail and Ann show up a few months
later, and the Black Moon a few months after that. Reasonably, though, if
things are stretching out long enough for the Dead Moon Circus to arrive,
with the Dark Kingdom doing as well as they are, I'd expect them to have
enough energy to revive Metallia several times over by that point. (By
the RPG timeline, that's from late March 1992 to January of 1995...)
I mentioned this above and this is probably one of the bigger
nits to pick on this chapter.
For that matter,
I'm
not sure I like that Soban does not, in fact, become
Sailor Moon or
Princess Serenity or anything like it, as the ongoing
thrust of the
drama
would seem to have implied up to this point.
##Be patient. ^_^
I'll try. :-)
Me, too. But patience must be rewarded too, you know. ^_^
A scarred and wounded
Sailor
Moon would be interesting. So would a Sailor Moon who
had to deal with
suddenly *not* being scarred and wounded -- but only
when in her
magical
form.
##Actually that's what _I_ thought would happen.
However, when I started the transformation scene . .
.well
it didn't quite work out that way. ^_^
Well, I've had creations twist out from under me myself. But still, I
have to reiterate what I've said below...
Ack! Always try to keep every creation of yours under control!
Yes, you can have your creation free rein, but on the important
things like this major a plot point, snap that whip and tell them
whose boss.
There's dozens of variants that could work. But a
scarred
delinquent with a heart of gold who changes into
something bizarre and
goes hunting after the villains from Blue Seed while
the Sailor Team
watches from the background... I must confess, I'm
losing the focus of
the story.
##I'm afraid you're jumping to conclusions. ^_^
Just wait until chapter 9, things should be clearer
then.
(well, perhaps _part_ of 8 as well)
I'll try. Still, I can't shake the 'everything but the kitchen sink'
feeling I've got... I guess the crossover and the 'god-eater' form just
strike me as gratuitious at this point. I hope I'm wrong. :-)
The crossover was jarring but the "god-eater" concept was
somewhat fascinating. Though it puts into doubt how much
control have you got of this story. ^_^ Seriously, it put doubt
also on where you're heading with this.
I just think that the great core of the story is being
lost to some
stuff
I can't see as anything but extraneous. I'd love to
be proven wrong
and
have it all come together... but I just wanted to
voice my concerns.
Same here. And I'm sure a lot of the fans out there who
are afraid or to lazy to write in probably feel the same
way.
Anyway, I'm afraid I was too harsh at some points, but I
really love this story's original concept and I am loathe
to think that this fic could be headed into the zone where
it becomes more of a monstrosity than a masterpiece.
Anyway, try to fix this in the later chapters.