I LOVE C&C. ^_^
My comments@@
Reply-to:
<kichigai@ipa.net>
From:
"Kichigai" <kichigai@ipa.net> | Block
address
To:
"FFML" <ffml@fanfic.com>, "Allyn Yonge"
<ayonge@yahoo.com>
Subject:
[fanfic][C&C][SM]Sukeban Senshi Chapter 7
part 2 of 3
Date:
Tue, 18 Apr 2000 22:09:46 -0500
Yay! More already!
I just noticed the sudden rash of new C&C for
this a few minutes ago,
and
after reading I'm more or less forced to agree on many
points.
However, I
am making time to try and correct each and every
little error, and I'll
put
my overall thoughts at the end. And if I miss any,
well, sorry. My
english
ain't the best itself.
@@English? I know I've heard that term someplace. ^)^
And I DID make corrections. And the only thing I can
think of
is that I overwrote the corrected copy with an older
version someplace
during the process. :(
Sukban Senshi Chapter 7 part 2 of 3
<SNIP>
Gifted? Odd choice. I'd think punished would
be more appropriate.
@@Irony.
<SNIP>
I suppose we're supposed to be wondering what
is going on here?
@@If you want to. It's a slice of life to show a
little about Kunzite.
It's also a plot point, later on.
<SNIP>
"You saved my life, master." The green skinned man
lightly stroked the head of the tiny flower-woman
growing
from his breast. "Both our lives. We would have
perished in
the cold of space if not for you. Command us and we
will
destroy your enemies."
Who is this? I'm not familiar with this
character.
@@SMR movie. My first exposure to SM, and my
favorite. IMO it distills all of SM into one hour.
<SNIP>
She'd never realized how _tiny_ Soban's hands
were. It made her feel strangely protective ----
Oh great. Maybe Ami and Rei can join a
therapy group.
@@^_^ That's in the next chapter.
<SNIP>
"Oh yeah. It's not real big yet, but the prizes are
getting larger every year." Minako informed her
excitedly.
"Some of the game manufacturers are starting to act as
sponsors and----"
Yup. You probably didn't have to look far to
find people to base this
off
of.
@@errr, actually I made it all up. I just based it on
obsessive
compulsive disorder. ^_~
<SNIP>
darkling? What the hell is that? You mean
darkening or is this
something
I've just never heard before?
@@Really? Hmmmm, it's pretty common in romance novels.
(well, old ones, anyway.)
glance. "You know, _some_ people like this sort of
bootlicking, brown-nosing servility." She tapped a
finger on
the table top. "And I'm one of them. Keep up the good
work."
HAH! I loved this.
@@Thanks. Again, this is one of those scenes that just
wrote itself.
************************************************
Any particular reason for a scene break here?
@@just skipping the reading of the rules.
<SNIP>
"I'm nothing but . . .?" Soban stared cooly at
Makoto who flushed as she realized what she'd said. Or
almost said. "I'm nothing but an illiterate, ignorant,
cripple?"
I don't think Makoto would have mentioned the
cripple part to someone
that more or less kicked her ass. The rest, yeah.
@@Makoto didn't mention it. She just almost thought
it, very loudly.
People do and say things under stress they wouldn't
normally say.
And Makoto is under a lot of stress. More on this in
chp. 8
<SNIP>
I know this is turning into a style bit for
you, but I'd suggest
laying off
the _underscores_ just a _little_. In many cases,
yeah, they're great.
In
others, nah. That's a large part of the readers job,
to put emphasis
on
different words according to what they think. Ever
listened to a book
on
tape and read the same book to yourself?
@@:( I know. I used to do it with ellipses. Now it's
underscores.
I need help. Perhaps Punctuholics Anonymous?
(I have to go back and remove stuff like that.)
<SNIP>
Soban looked around at the smiling, eager faces
(Rei's slightly pink). "You won't all fit on the back
of my
bike." She tried one last time.
She'd tried one time to put them on her bike?
@@<bleah>
"I'll go call a cab." Minako headed for the phone.
"This should be fun." Ami started putting her books
and papers away. "Rei's told us all about your place."
And they still want to go. Every SM lemon
writer's dream.
@@Despite seeming evidence to the contrary . . .
Sukeban is NOT a lemon. Perhaps slightly lime, due
to sexual references. However the emphasis is NOT on
sex
but rather on emotional closeness. It's not even
about sex
at the Island. Rather the Island is a place for
outcasts, misfits
and rejects.
(I may need to go back and make that clearer. What do
you
think?)
************************************************
<SNIP>
"It puffs up when you cook it."
And here's Luna. What took her?
@@??? What took her?
Errrr, what took her so long to show up?
Or
What happened to her?
Both questions will be answered.
************************************************
<SNIP>
"Did you know that Shinjuku has the largest
concentrations of high rises and businesses in Tokyo?"
Ami
read from her guide book. "and that the Shinjuku
station
handles almost a million----"
Remarkably clueless.
@@I like to throw in little familiar bits
from the Anime. and Ami usually whipped out a book
at odd moments. (I especially recall the "love boat"
episode from season one)
"Wow!"
Ami's head whipped around at Makoto's
exclamation to see a green-spiked-haired "goth" press
a
Of which sex? Or both?
@@Doesn't matter. Except to them. ^_^
checked skirted . . .woman? against a lamp post, raise
_her_
skirts and----"
<SNIP>
"I . . .I was just thinking," she said,
keeping her voice low. " it's strange that we haven't
seen
any youma attacks in this part of town."
Interesting. I had the same rection as Minako
had below, even before
I read the line.
##Thanks. Again, this just came to me as I wrote.
"Probably afraid of getting mugged." Minako
offered, watching fascinated as a salaryman, objecting
to the
fifty thousand Yen price of a Budweiser at a yakuza
run
Anyone who drinks Bud needs a good whack to
the head anyway. Maybe
bring them to their senses.
##I don't drink. However these "sham bars" actually
exist
according to my research. And patrons are "encouraged"
to pay up with aluminum bats.
"<SNIP>
By Blade Runner, do you mean the book or the
movie?
##movie.
<SNIP>
The plaintive cry raised the hairs on the back of
Minako's neck. Spinning around she dropped into a
defensive crouch, Ami and Rei on her flanks with
Makoto
covering the rear. Soban somehow ended up in the
middle.
Heh heh heh.
@@^_^
"Have you seen it?" The shambling figure reached a
pleading hand toward Makoto. "Have you seen it?"
Yes I have. It's right over there.
*looks around*
*ZOOM*
@@<BG>
Makoto jerked back in surprised revulsion. "Get
away from us you----"
A bit intolerant here aint she?
@@A natural reaction to a really scabby, scummy
stranger
coming at you from the dark
<SNIP>
Just what is this IT?
@@ Just wait. All will be clear. (I hope)
<SNIP>
Yeah, what happened to little Bro?
##Chapter 8 or 9.
<SNIP>
It was as if someone had thrown a switch. Between
one step and the next the salaryman's head came up and
there was a spring in his step. The girl looked up at
the man
with a sparkle in her eye. She said something and they
both
burst out laughing as they walked past Ami, arm in
arm.
Then, as if he'd been punched the man stumbled, the
girl
cried out angrily and the two separated, snarling.
Err, what the hell was that? That made no
sense.
@@Hmmm, perhaps I was too subtle here. The world is a
darker
place due to the influence of DK and co. And the
Golden-gai
is the darkest of the dark. Except for the Island. I
was trying to
show, through peoples actions and reactions, the
difference in
atmosphere between the rest of the Golden-gai and the
Island.
Due to the influence of Soban (Usagi) the Island is
relatively free
of the influence of the DK & co. that pervades the
rest of the world.
<SNIP>
Does Aosudofu have to be capitalized?
@@I'll check. Ummmm, I think so, since it's a
proper noun. (a specific type of tofu.) But I could
be wrong. ^_^
"Eeeeep . . . ." Makoto averted her eyes, focusing
on the green kuzu tofu.
Kuzu?
@@Sorry. A kind of starch.
http://www.sirius.com/~pbarts/TeaMasters/TeaTimes/Kaiseki/TTKaisekiRecipes.html
"I thought, we'd do kaiseki ryori . . .since it's
your
first time here." Soban said diffidently.
"Kaiseki? That's kinda ambitious for a . . .uhhhh."
Makoto floundered again, mind racing to extricate her
foot
from her mouth.
Intolerant, and stereotyping to boot.
@@Nah, just surprised.
<SNIP>
Why should anyone be surprised that a non
native speaker can speak
their language better than the native? Look at
America.
##This is Japan. It used to be high treason to even
teach Japanese
to outsiders. And as recently as the early 1950's(?) a
Japanese
native was murdered by another Japanese (with an axe
to the head)
when man 2 heard man 1 speaking English. (Man 1 said
he was overcome
with outrage hearing a fellow Japanese speaking a
foreign tongue)
So, yes, as far as I know she would be surprised to
hear a gaijin
speaking Japanese fluently.
<SNIP>
Even the sight of a man, naked save for a zippered
leather hood and a woman dressed only in a purple
satin
corset feeding a baby in a stroller didn't attract
their
Extra space again. And were they together?
@@Family outing.
attention. Although Minako choked slightly, holding
back a
laugh, when she saw the baby girl waving a rattle
shaped
like a coiled whip in one chubby fist.
Who is this? Kodachi and family?
@@^)^ <BG> I didn't think of that.
They were just starting on the Hirame No Kimiae
Does this really have to be capitalized?
@@I'll have to check. (can't find my notes)
<SNIP>
"Hello Momiji-chan." Inside the room Soban knelt
beside a wheelchair bound figure. "How are you
feeling?"
I've seen some Blue Seed, but not much. Just
when is this set?
@@I'd say about half way through the series. I could
probably
go back through my tapes and pin-point an exact (more
or less)
divergence point if you think it's that critical. I
had a general idea in
mind while writing, but didn't take the time to pin it
down precisely.
<SNIP>
"What a wretched noise it makes." Ami twisted
around toward the new voice. "It is past time I
cleaned up
this imperfect soul."
Here's the sponge and bucket. _Finally_ I get
a night off.
@@<VBG>
<SNIP>
"He reminds me of my senpai whom I loved and
who spurned me" Makoto whispered. Her hands itched
with
Hmm, maybe: "He reminds me of my sempai whom I
fell in love with."
She
tightened her grip on her wand. "He _spurned_ me..."
Her hands itched
with...
@@This is better.
I was just trying to stay as close to the "original"
(or at least the
original translation I have) as possible. Oh, well.
<SNIP>
In the shocked silence Murakumo smiled
sardonically. "Very amusing. Did you really think your
pathetic little story could sway me from my purpose.
You,
purpose?
@@It's not really inflected as a question, but rather
as a statement.
<SNIP>
Slapping aside his right arm with her left she
reposted,
Are you sure reposted is the right word here?
You repost in fencing,
but I'd think a term used in kendo might be better
here. I don't know any,
but hey.
@@Nope. I meant repost. ^_^ She parried his blow, then
reposted with
her "weapon". She's not fencing European style, but
she's not doing kendo either.
Repost is a re-action to an attack and, as far as I
know, is a legitimate
use in this manner.
<SNIP>
I'd imagine Nerds more, but hey.
@@Ummmm, I always thought of Gummy Bear's
in connection with wounds like that. Plus I liked the
alliteration.
<SNIP>
I thought they represented the Yin or Yang.
##The beads? Actually no one knows the exact
significance of
the beads. Only that they find a lot of them at grave
sites.
AND they are part of the Imperial Regalia. Along with
the sword and mirror.
<SNIP>
. "You don't bother _ANY_
of my people or customers, coming or going, ever
again,"
Leaving out herself.
@@^_^
<SNIP>
scar stand out. "_done_ that." She slammed her steel
Underscores work well here.
@@well, eventually I've got to get it right.
<SNIP>
<SNIP>
the earth into eternal darkness and rule it forever.
And the
Dead Moon Circus, now there's a bunch with style . . .
Dead Moon Circus? Who?
@@Personally I think the DMS are the most sinister of
all
the SM villains. Many people don't like this season
because
of the emphasis on Small Lady. You'll see a little
more
of them later. However in this part of Sukeban (did I
mention
there are two parts?) it's mostly the DK with a bit of
Pharo 90.
The break down of the various alliances should become
clear
as time goes on.
<SNIP>
_You_ run around
dressed in a sheet tellin' everyone you're gonna' save
Japan
by turnin' everyone into crab-grass." Soban laughed
derisively. "That's pretty pathetic."
That's effectively what I thought.
@@:( Blue Seed is one of my favorites.
<SNIP>
Well, that was interesting, although I hope
you don't get too carried
away
with the Aragami running around. I'm here for girls
in short fukus,
not
betentacled plants.
@@Ummm, did I mention the Aragami-in-a-fuku? ^_^
(Just kidding)
I seem to have struck a nerve with
the Aragami and a few of the other
supporting characters
Let me reassure you (and others) that::
1)I am not going to get carried away with
the Aragami OR with the supporting cast.
2)There is a reason for everything that has happened
to this point. And a reason for every character
that has appeared. (well, perhaps not Tsubaka. ^_^)
I have not lost control of the story.
(I may have lost my mind, but not control of the
story)
Sorry it took me this long, I leave every weekend.
I'll try to have part three done by this weekend. And
hurry up with
part
eight!
@@Thanks for writing. (and your reply was VERY fast
and detailed)
I'm writing Chp. 8 as fast as I can. Unfortunately
Sukeban is fairly complicated so it's slow going. :(
I'll get it out just as fast as I can.
Sukeban Senshi Chapter 7 C&C END part 2 of 3
Kichigai
ICQ# 37606443
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http://lavender.fortunecity.com/clockwork/416/index.html
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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