-----Original Message-----
From: Shunsuke <shunsuke@direct.ca>
To: ffml@fanfic.com <ffml@fanfic.com>
Date: 18 April 2000 12:57
Subject: [FFML] [r1/2][draft] As Fragile As Stone, part 2
Hiya
My analytical skills have never really been that good, even
with about 3 years of FFML time under my belt, but I'm trying
my best to improve. ^_^; Just a warning/excuse in advance.
Feel free to ditch anything/everything I mention, it's my opinion
on the fic only and no-one else (I swear, there's no-one else
here, and just one voice in my head, that's all). :)
Dragging herself out of bed and to the door, then angrily
walking back to shut off the alarm that sounded when she
touched the door handle, Akane went downstairs to see just
what was going on.
IMO, that sentence reads awkwardly. Perhaps it should
be split into two or organised some other way:
'She dragged herself out of bed, yawning, and stumbled to
the door. As she touched the door handle, her alarm rang
through the room and she stomped back the way. After turning
it off with a mild thump, she circled back around and headed
down the stairs to see what was going on.'
But it's all up to you. I just made that up as an example,
though you might prefer what you've got the way it already is.
"Oh, good morning, Akane! How are you?"
"Fine, Kasumi, and good morning to you. Or at least it was,
until the noise woke me up. Just what's going on, anyway?"
Akane stepped into the dining room just in time to see the
doors to the engawa (*) open and two men fighting in the
So, what's an engawa?
Why don't you just put it in "//", like in the last chapter?
The (*) is distracting.
morning sun, their dark silhouettes the only thing visible
as the sun rose over the neighborhood.
"Good morning, Akane," Soun Tendo said as he sat down with
the newspaper, "Feeling more enthusiastic about the
arrangement this morning?"
Akane just stood in silence for a minute watching the
mid-air combat the Saotomes were having, Soun joining in.
(I mean the viewing.)
Perhaps, just cut down that paragraph to:
'Akane just stood in silence for a minute, watching the
Saotomes' mid-air combat.'
And why does it matter if Soun is also watching? This action
of his doesn't seem to have any bearing on what happens in the
rest of the scene, so it might be a good idea just to cut it out.
Akane was grateful for the yells and splash that came next,
interrupting her family.
"Stupid old fart, you cheated!" Ranma stormed into the
house, doused and soused, groused at her father's lack of
honour. "An' don't even think of stealing my food, or
you're gonna get pounded!"
How about:
'Ranma stormed into the house, doused and soused, grousing
at her father's lack of honour.'
or:
'Ranma stormed into the house, doused and soused, and
groused at her father's lack of honour.'
"Not likely, boy!" said Genma's sign as he used it to flip
Ranma's bowl into the air and catch it with his mouth.
"Why you-" Ranma began, fist coming forward towards the
panda's head.
Whose fist is it? It doesn't say... ;p --> IMO, should be: 'his fist'
Plus, 'coming forward towards the' is a bit of a mouthful.
Why not replace it with something shorter like
'zeroing in on', 'aiming for the', 'making for the', etc.?
A loud smack surprised Ranma, as well as Genma, though not
anybody else.
Suggestion only:
'A loud smack surprised Ranma and Genma, but not anyone else.'
Though, it's not really a mistake, just a question of personal style.
"Not in the house, Ranma," Akane said, "Keep it outside or
in the dojo." Holding Ranma's fist in her hand a few more
seconds to make the point, and after making eye contact
with Ranma's shocked face, she finally let go.
I dunno... is she really at the stage that she's as fast as Ranma?
Akane? Could she be?
"What was that for? You saw what he did!" But, Ranma's
complaint went unheard as everyone sat down except for her.
You might be able to cut out 'except for her' if you put 'else'
after 'everyone'.
"What kinda tomboy are you anyway? Stopping my fist like
that, jeez..."
Oh, dear, this boy has a death wish and he doesn't even realise it.
Must be an unconscious need for extreme pain, methinks. <g>
"You...you...! DIE, RANMA!" Akane shouted, punching Ranma
in the face, straight backward into the pond.
And will he learn to keep his mouth shut? Not without much
more pain, nope. :)
Having grabbed their lunches from Kasumi, the three teens
(one reluctantly) made their way to the door of the house.
"We're off to school now!" the Tendo sisters called at once,
Ranma left grumbling to himself as he kicked a stone on the
walkway. Together, they walked down the street together,
the three making small talk. Once they turned the corner
suggestion:
'The three walked down the street together, making small talk.'
"Huh, sounds like an idea. Here, give me a hand," she said,
jumping up toward the fence. Ranma was a little surprised,
but grabbed her hand and helped her up onto the fence.
"Thanks," Akane said, focusing on her footwork instead of
Ranma's face.
Mebbe take out the second "said". There's no real need for it.
Ranma kept quiet for a few seconds while Akane gained her
balance. He was not going to baby her, but was "So you
study the art, huh?"
Last sentence seem a little strange. Are there some words
missing after 'but was'?
"Yeah, dad started teaching me when I was little. I was
'Dad' -> she's using it as a name, not a description.
more into other types of martial arts, but dad said this is
our family's style, plus he thinks it's better for girls,
something to do with defending yourself, since people don't
usually carry weapons in self defense."
Perhaps a bit of a long sentence. You might want to cut it down.
'...our family's style. Plus, he thinks...'
"What did you just say?" Akane said, coming to a stop in
anger and losing her balance in surprise. She grabbed Ranma
as she started to fall, as had she not been concentrating on
landing on her feet, would have taken the opportunity to
slug him. "Listen, jerk, I can get a boyfriend whenever I
Awkward sentence from "she grabbed..." to "...slug him"
Not quite sure what to suggest, though.
"You think I can't take care of herself? I'll take you on
anytime."
"Forget it, I don't fight girls."
Now Akane was _really_ mad. "Fine. After school, in the
dojo, if you've got the guts." Picking up her bag, Akane
ran off toward school.
Could ditch one of the "Akane"s in the above sentence.
Constantly seeing their names repeated distracts from
the intimacy of the scene.
"She hates boys?" Ranma thought to himself, "I don't think
that explains why she hates the engagement." Ranma kept
chasing her toward the school, not wanting to be left behind
since he didn't know where the school was. Even more
important that he get there before it started raining. At
least, he thought it was rain when droplets hit his face.
<nitpick>Right, he wanted to get there before it started raining,
and then as a continuing thought, said he thought it was rain
when droplets hit his face. But, the penultimate sentence says
that it hasn't started to rain, yet. Wouldn't the droplets imply
that the rain has already started, if only faintly?</nitpick>
Grabbing the boy who yelled the warning, Akane looked in his
eyes and said "Stampede, huh? Were you insinuating I'm a
said, "Stampede, huh?
cow?" She punched him into unconsciousness before he could
reply. "Creep."
Whoa. Bitter. Understandable, kinda. She's using her fists to
fight the prejudice against her, but it's only making things worse,
and she doesn't realise. Not that all this is her fault. People treat
her negatively because of her physical features, and so some
of the negative commentary is gonna rub off in the way she
treats them. You get what you give, in a way.
Thomas Hood explained it better. :)
Ranma jumped down from his perch and walked up beside Akane.
Ranma did not say it aloud, but he was impressed. Not as
fast as him, but she definitely had talent. Maybe he would
change his attitude to sparring with her...maybe.
Prolly only need one "Ranma" in that.
"So what's this all about anyway, Akane?"
"Ask those jerks! Everyday, calling me names behind my
back, treating me like dirt! It's the only way to shut them
up!"
Yep, fighting with her fists and not with her head, so to speak.
"You...you witch! Just wait until lunchtime!" Akane shouted
before starting for the doors. She stopped when a short
wooden spike landed and embedded itself in the ground inches
in front of Akane's foot.
suggest: 'in front of her foot.'
Turning his head, Ranma saw another student enter the school
yard, a boy dressed in samurai clothing. Now he was really
sure this school was screwy.
No kidding. Though, this is coming from the boy who used to go
to a school where they'd practically have war over who got the last
bread roll.
"The way of the sword is one of courage and honour, of inner
peace and solitude," he began while walking toward Akane.
"Cease thine actions, Akane Tendo. Behave with honour and
concern for the physically weak, and I shall spare thee the
punishment a senior should mete out to his junior."
"You punish me, Kuno? Ha!" Akane stood up, dusting her
hands off with a clap, "The day you can punish me is the day
you grow a brain and let me into the kendo club!"
clap. "The day
"Silence, girl! Your habitual violence does not befit one
who claims the honour of a martial artist. Learn from your
betters, 'tis not the place of a woman to study the arts."
That's a strange view to take, considering that his sister
does... ahh, it all makes sense now I think about it. :)
This definitely doesn't feel like the same Kuno as in canon,
who fell in love with a certain pigtailed girl due to her
show of martial arts skill. But, 'tis an alternate universe and,
anyhow, I know everyone has different views on the Ranma
chara's....
End
Re: the brackets that break the fourth wall. They're more
than a little distracting and don't really add much to the fic, IMO.
I know I've just spent a lot of time criticising your fic (probably
unfairly) but I wouldn't be spending time on it if I didn't like it. ^_^
I'm enjoying seeing all the facets of Akane's slightly angsted
personality and daily life unfold in a different way to the cannon
all due to one superficial thing.
~Kayu-chan