{My comments will look like this.}
{ I am sending this public and private. Since you did not forbid public
C&C. You said you wouldn't notice your C&C if sent to the FFML, so I
changed the subject line so you would notice. (although if C&C was REALLY
worthwhile to you, then you would watch for it, or set up a mail filter for
it or something, just a thought). I like to do C&C public as much as
possible so others can learn from it as well. I am warning you now I am a
nitpicker. I pick on story line mostly, and dabble in grammar and spelling.
Most of my comments will be negative! Look to the end for the positive.
(note all non-relevant text will be cut to avoid resending you the entire
story again.) The stuff I cut means I saw nothing wrong with it, I may
insert a "heh" every now and then if I like a joke, or tell you if one
bombs. If this irritates you, sorry. ;_; This C&C is meant to help you,
not destroy your spirit, please don't take it that way, in no way do I
intend for my comments to be hurtful, take them with that in mind, okay here
we go . . . }
----- Original Message -----
"Akane-chan? Akane-chan! Where are you?" The eldest princess'
{SP:princess's - female possessive nobility}
{[cringes] I know I am a member of the smaller faction in this regard, but
it just sets my teeth on edge when I hear people using the term "chan," the
potential to misuse this term is ridiculous. Suggestion: "Akane? Little
Akane? Where are you?"}
direction of the fencing grounds, Sir Ryouga close behind her.
{direction of the fencing grounds. Ryouga close behind her. (even if
Ryouga is a knight or a noble, you don't refer to them in the third person
with their title. (at least I don't I am not sure if it is a grammar rule,
but it sounds silly.) It is the same as saying, "Mr. Ryouga followed his
shadow across the street." Now if you want to establish his rank I suggest:
"Ryouga close behind her. Only (nobles/knights/whatever it is you want him
to be) were allowed to train royalty.
"Kasumi-onesama! I'm so sorry! I guess I lost track of time!"
{even if Kasumi is a higher ranking princess, it is doubtful she would be
using her full rank and title when addressing her. They are sisters. No
matter who you are in the world, no matter what your station in life. When
alone with your family you generally call them by their first name. - that
and I detest Japanese name suffixes in an English language story ^_^}
She said breathlessly when she had ran up to her sister.
"Akane-chan, you shouldn't run around like that! It isn't very
{last time I am gonna say it, the "chan" thing needs to go.}
lady-like. You weren't teaching her any new techniques, were you,
Ryouga-san? You know father would be displeased with both of you," she
{If you are going to use titles you need to be consistent. Is he Sir
Ryouga? Or Ryouga-Sama? He cannot be Ryouga-San you have already
established he is nobility. And you established that with an English title,
"Sir." Now you are using a Japanese suffix, you need to be consistent.}
scolded gently. Both Ryouga and Akane looked sheepishly at the ground.
"Sorry, Kasumi-sama. It was really all my fault. I just
{Again consistency, first she was Kasumi-Onesama, now she is just sama?
Also why would father be angry about her learning new techniques? Are they
dangerous? Is Ryouga only supposed to be teaching her footwork? What? You
said fencing grounds, but just because they are fencing grounds doesn't mean
they are being used for that purpose. Also I feel the need to mention that
you have done almost nothing in the way of scenery thus far. Not a big deal
if you are going for script or dialogue style. But if you are going for
prose, you need to use the 5 senses. How do things look, sound, feel, taste
and smell? The more the better in my opinion (and many disagree with me
^_^)}
learned a new technique, and insisted on showing it to her." Ryouga said
quietly.
Kasumi's face brightened, smiling her soft, motherlike smile.
"It's okay, Ryouga-kun, but both of you should forget this talk of
{ack, now he is a "kun" (generally only used for boyfriends, brother etc.)?
Consistency. If Ryouga is a noble in the service of a royal house then he
needs to be addressed as San, Sama or Sir or Ryouga, and you need to stay
consistent within those contexts. English or Japanese, pick a suffix type.
His sister could call him "kun," in private, Kasumi wouldn't. Which leads
me to my next big question. You are hinting at it with titles, but what the
heck is going on here? This is chapter one. You need to lay some
groundwork before you jump into a story. Are we in a castle? What
year/time frame is it? You gotta throw the reader SOME kind of direction to
guess at.}
fighting, and get ready for our guests."
{what kind of fighting? Hand to hand? Weapons?}
"Guests?" Akane asked blinking, and looking up from the ground.
{try to stay in the past tense in the narrative of a prose story ( I am
assuming you are writing for prose). Suggestion: "Akane looked up from the
ground she had been studying in embarrassment and asked in surprise." Or
you could try present tense but that is more tricky, you have to keep
everything in that tense. And the story tends to start to sound like this,
"Then he did, then she did, then they were laughing and giggling, then some
more stuff happened, then a surprise happened. . ." Do you see what I mean?
But anyway here is the present tense version: "Akane blinking in surprise
asked quickly as she was looking up from the ground."
"Why, yes. Prince Kuno is coming for dinner. We will discuss
{You spelled Ryouga with the elongated "u" spelling. Which is correct in
the Japanese sense. Now you need to be consistent. Kunou should also have
a "u" in it. Or, leave them both out.}
your engagement tonight," she said happily oblivious to Akane's
discomfort.
{not to harp on your choice of main plot lines, but this has been done to
death. Consider adding a twist to it? Make Akane demand he complete a
quest for her hand in marriage or something?}
Akane was cringing inside, but smiled to Kasumi. Ryouga looked at Akane
{We know that Akane loves her sister, but really . . . in the manga and
anime Akane does NOT react well to be told she is to be married to someone
without her consent. Unless Kasumi is the head of this family for some
reason, I see no reason why you wouldn't have Akane tell Kasumi something
like, "yeah well, we'll see about that." Or something, give her a little
bit of attitude! This is Akane Tendou we are talking about here. ^_^ - or
not you of course have the option of writing her out of character (OOC)}
stairs to the inside of the castle, while Kasumi went to water the
flowers.
{A princess! is watering flowers? I think not.}
be more careful on how long we stay out there," Akane said, running some
{it may just be me, but it seems to me that you are hinting at sexual
activity here. Just what exactly are they doing out there? Kissing or
fighting?}
fingers through her sweaty, shoulder length hair. "Do you think I'm
improving at all?" She asked hesitantly.
"Oh yes Akane-san! You are already as good as I am! I really
{Just a note her, unless you are doing some drastic character changes here,
Akane would never be as good as Ryouga if she is a real princess. He would
have 8-10 hours a day to practice, with pretty much only that to keep him
entertained. A princess on the other hand, has TONS of duties. They have
to go to private tutors, they must learn court rules, they must entertain
guests and hold court with their parents from time to time. So IF she gets
to practice at all, it would have to be in any free time she can scrounge
together, and at night. If this is the case you are really going to have to
sell it to the reader in order to get them to believe it, or explain some
other reason for her prowess.}
She was smiling! Ryouga idly wondered if he was still
breathing. He wondered if he cared. He felt himself feeling dizzy as she
continued.
{nobody wonders if they care about something. It is like saying, " I wonder
if my heart is beating right now" You either care or you don't care. It is
something that your mind decides in a millisecond. Suggestion: Ryouga idly
wondered if he was still breathing. Chuckling inwardly he realized he
didn't really care. He started getting dizzy as she continued, his vision
was blurring and his head was swimming.
"I may be getting better, but I still really could use you. I
think I'll be fine for now, though. If I want to go to town I'll tell
ya, kay?"
She needed him!! "S-sure, Akane-san," he managed, stuttering
{you should have tagged this WAFF it is definitely a Warm And Fuzzy Feeling
fic}
slightly. He quickly brought his hands up, twiddling them back and forth,
{why quickly?}
blush still raging on.
{raging has negative connotations, suggestion: blush was rapidly spreading
across his now flushed features}
Akane couldn't help but smile. It's always so cute when he
figets like that! She thought, grinning to herself. The youngest princess
{is she thinking this to herself? If so you need to indicate it as such.
There are all kinds of methods you can use, lots of people just use standard
prose with the format, "thoughts here," Character A thought., others use
special characters to denote certain things, many people use single quotes
for thoughts, 'thoughts here.' If you want to go that route you can use any
character you like, I have seen the number sign a lot for thoughts as well,
#thoughts here.#}
though. It didn't suprise her much though; most people -especially boys-
{suggestion: though. Most people, especially boys, seemed . . .}
unsure of how to treat high power, since breathing wrong often gets you
{suggestion: unsure of how to act around nobility. [also you are hinting
at Akane's family being tyrants. Breathing wrong gets people in trouble?
Is Soun especially cranky in your world?]}
paced backwards towards his room, blushing badly, most talents of speach
{suggestion: staggered backwards (omit towards his room, guards would live
in barracks, and it is not necessary to say where he is headed in this
sentence anyway.), blushing badly, most of his speech functions gone.}
Not aware of her silent request, the young knight-in-training
{knights in training are called squires. Since you are obviously setting
this in an archaic European environment, I would suggest nixing the Japanese
suffixes all together. Also I would not set Ryouga as a squire. Squires do
NOT get assigned as personal bodyguards to royalty.}
sorry for Kuno... Hmm..waitaminute..that jerk is marrying Akane. Okay,
don't feel sorry anymore. Hope the moron implodes, or something, he
thought
{Why is he a jerk? Is he a snobby jerk? Is he mean? What? Again with the
thoughts format, suggest prose formatting as outlined above. Why would be
implode? He might expunge the vile concoctions she created via his mouth in
an explosive manner, implosion is caused from external pressure (like a
submarine going down too deep)}
sourly. The boy sighed and continued to his room. He no longer denied
his undying love for Akane. That didn't mean he was about to tell her
{just a thought here, you are maybe 1-2 pages into this story and you are
already into undying love. Your pacing is a little fast paced for a
chapter. For a one shot you are dead on, but a chapter should set scenes up
better and flow smoother, just a thought.}
this though. Every one of those legends are true, Ryouga thought
{legends were true, verb and subject must agree.}
She really *is* the most beautiful woman in the world.. She called me
{woman, you have indicated she is still a teenager? Also legend implies
untruth, a tall tale, a myth. I assume you mean for this to be like folk
talk, the townsfolk all revering their princess because of her beauty,
something like that, you should change that to fit your story better.}
Snapping out of his daze, Ryouga sighed as he reached his room
{first he was in a trance, now he is reaching his room? Did he teleport
himself? Should include a pacer here, something like, "snapped out of his
daze and jogged to his quarters. . ." something like that}
and walked in. It was a pretty plain room, for a knight. All it had in
{he is not a knight, you already said that}
it was a bed, a few awards he had won over the years, a bureau, a weapon
rack, and an armor rack. Slipping off his armor and placing it on the
{weapons and armor are not generally kept in ones quarters, they have
armories for that purpose}
correct rack, he opened the doors to his bureau and took out a much more
{knights of any time did not wear their armor around the
castle/keep/courtyard just for kicks. Armor is HEAVY, HOT and
UNCOMFORTABLE. They only wore it to fit, to train in and to battle, that's
it, other than that it was light and breezy clothing. (remember people in
this time period did not regularly bathe)}
fancy piece of armor meant for looking nice, not protection.
{no such thing. You of course can make this up. But if you do please
describe it, armor technically means protection. Sunscreen is armor against
the sun. Is it a breastplate? Is it a full suit of plate mail? What? But
I would suggest the following for a dashing dress up outfit for a man of the
era fitting the station you are describing, personal body guard to the
princess: Black knee high polished boots with folded over tops. A frilly
white silk doublet (shirt), black, gold or dark blue trousers, preferably of
a nice material, not denim. A cape or scarf. If going for a cape
(definitely cooler) use two colors, dark on the outside like black, and
lighter on the inside, white or light blue or red even, or reverse that,
dark on the inside and light on the outside, those type of capes were more
expensive. Bonus points if he clasps the cape over his shoulder with a pin
or clasp that is made into a symbol of his service or allegiance. Also
mention jewelry and hair and facial hair. Combed and generally braided or
something. It was fashionable for men of this time to wear goatees.}
Man, I hate wearing these things...
{consistent for the Ryouga we know, not for squires of that era, they LOVED
to get dressed up and go to fancy balls etc. That was ALL they did in the
nobility circles}
He took an elegant sword outof his weapon wrack, and put it in the
{two things here, guests (even body guards if they are to be seen) generally
don't wear weapons (even ornamental ones) to formal gatherings, unless the
members in attendance are not of a solid allegiance to the royal house.
Second, swords are buckled or clasped to a sword belt, which is a second
belt usually under a mans main belt, and ties to their leg. (The left leg
if they are right handed. The sword belt is made of polished leather and
has many holes for easy fitting. [grammar outof = out of - SP: wrack=
rack]}
behind her. Jumping a good five feet in the air, she turned around to
see Mousse hanging from the top of the doorway.
"How do you do that?!?" She nearly screamed.
{heh}
Grinning, and trying to hold back his laughter, he looked at her
slyly. "If I revealed that, what kind of a magician would I be, eh,
Mr.Man?"
{Mr. Man? I missed that.}
"A healthier one, duck-boy," she growled, pulling out a bokken.
{I take it Akane is a user of the infamous "hammer space" in this story as
well? Very well. But use something appropriate to your setting, bokkens
were ONLY used in Japan. They had practice wooden swords in Europe as well,
their names escape me at the moment. Of course, you COULD be writing this
as a castle in Japan, they did have quite a few, but you haven't been
hinting that way with your story, your call.}
and leaned against her bokken. "You're turning into a bat?"
{heh}
"Funny," he said jumping down. "But, no. I have a new trick you
might be interested in. It's called: 'Super Secret Technique of How to
not Kill People With Food'." Not able to hold back laughter, he fell to
{fizzle . . . the audience can hear crickets quite audibly}
to make 'Tatewaki Dear' a.. uh 'treat'- a whole seven course meal made by
{formatting: Tatewaki dear, a . . . uh, "treat," a whole seven course meal .
. .}
to her. "Just don't ruin my kitchen while you're at it." A lot of sounds
of pain followed that comment.
{overdoing it a bit here}
large office/dungeon-type room.
{office dungeon type room? no such thing, describe please}
"Yes, over here," he said from a cabinet.
"Finally! I thought I'd never find this cursed roo- why are you
in a cupboard?"
{separate dialogue!
"Finally! I thought I'd never find this cursed roo -"
"Why are you in a cupboard?" Ryouga broke in to the doctors train of
outspoken thoughts.
- of course I wrote the above assuming you left the "t" off because Ryouga
was interrupting him. If you forgot the "t" then change it to a better
wording}
"Hmm? Oh I was looking for some galic spiced green tunip," he
said casually.
"We -do- have a cook downstairs, if you need some... I'm sure
Mousse has turnips, although I don't know why you'd want a gay one."
"No, no. I said: 'GAYLIC spiced green TUNIP'. There's a
{no. . . you said galic. Need to be consistent. Also just a word to the
wise gay jokes will earn you enemies and friends, just FYI. Personally I
love ALL kinds of writing and expression. It is very hard to offend me with
words. There are others though, that take offense to the damnedest things
[shrugs] thought you might like to know. Yours is a VERY mild joke, but I
guarantee you, SOMEONE will take offense from it, people are weird like
that. Of course, I happen to enjoy irritating people, if you don't you may
want to cut that ^_^}
he didn't have a clue as to what that was. Living in this castle, you
pretty much get used to things like that. "What do you need it for?"
{Cut the sentence "Living in this castle, you pretty much get use to things
like that. It doesn't fit and it would be too much of a re-write to include
it.}
but at least it's a way to protect her at night..and as long as the king
knows..."
{guards would be posted at the ends of the hallway, outside her door, and a
personal female maid would be standing awake in a princess's antechamber
whilst she slept in case she needed anything, and also to insure she stayed
"pure" until her wedding day. The virginity issue was their main reason for
being, it was also taken very serious. A maid that allowed a man into a
princess's chambers at night, had horrible things done to her, if she wasn't
killed outright. Most maids, even though they loved their princess would
holler for the guards at the first sign of a man, just a side note here.
The guards and maid would change about every 2 hours during the night to
keep them fresh. Some kings even posted archers on rooftops overlooking
windows to key people in the family as an added precaution with orders to
shoot to kill. Therefore your reasoning here is a bit skewed if this is
taking place in a traditional type of European castle, (Japanese Castle
security was MUCH different) I suggest a re-write here, keep her warm at
night (castles have no heating sources except for fireplaces), company at
night, etc.}
The younger boy nodded quickly. "Ya, he knows, but if Akane
finds out, I die. Mousse's curse isn't that much worse than mine. What's
{The kind puts people in trouble for breathing wrong, but allows a lowly
squire to sleep with his daughter? I think not}
the difference? He's a duck, I'm a pig. At least he can fly."
"Mousse's curse was put on by a much more powerful witch, and
it's harder for him to turn back into a human."
{interesting twist}
said, then, giving a dramatic pause, "Cologne!"
"She sounds familiar... Isn't she in that men's catlouge?"
{trite, try something a little bit more silly if you are going for humour,
or use a little more build up here}
Gypsy herbs and spells are really quite useful..I might want to hire him
{two things: 1- Gypsy herbs and spells IS really quite useful. You are
referencing his knowledge, not the herbs and spells. 2 - Gypsy herbs and
spells? no no no. Not in the middle ages. Gypsies were known for songs
and mischief, stealing and what not. They did dabble in things like reading
your palm and reading tea leaves, but as far as I know they didn't use herbs
and spells to the extent you want here. Just reference the occult.
"knowledge of the mystic and occult is really quite useful."}
Ryouga frowned, but finally shrugged his shoulders. Damn. He's
right. If I don't, I won't make it to the party until tomorrow! Scowling
at the thought of Akane going by herself, he quickly headed for the
door. "I guess I'll see you there then."
{problem, he is her bodyguard. Someone else MUST have noticed his tendency
to get lost, he would have been reassigned to gate keeper or something, they
never would have permitted him to stay on as her bodyguard.}
stairs. Dr. Tofu was too amused to let Ryouga know that that staircase
led outside.
{this is a little OOC for the Dr. Tofu we all know and love. He is a little
to lucid here, and also a little to abrupt, Tofu tends to ramble. Just a
note}
was wearing. It had been a simple elegant dress, that Nabiki recognized
as the dress Akane usually wore to train and practice her fighting. It
had been slightly revealing, and had hugged her body in just the right
places, yet allowed enough freedom for movement. Any elegance, simpleness,
{um . . . no, a princess would not be allowed to train in the fighting arts
in the first place, that is what commoners and guards were for. Second if
she were allowed to do so, it would NOT be in any kind of reveling dress, or
even a dress at all, they would have dressed her in a gi if it was Japan, or
breeches and a plain high necked doublet if Europe.}
"So what's with that smile?" She asked supiciously.
"You're eating it, too." Nabiki's face paled.
"You ARE kidding..aren't you? Akane?" She said, her voice
growing in volume. "Akane?!?" All she got in response was another sweet
smile, and then the slam of Akane's bedroom door. "Akane!!!"
{suggest:
"So what's with that smile?" Nabiki asked suspiciously.
"You're eating it, too." Akane snickered as she continued on her way up
the stairs. Nabiki's face paled.
"You ARE kidding..aren't you? Akane?" Nabiki shouted after Akane, her voice
growing in volume. "Akane?!" All she got in response was the slam of
Akane's bedroom door. "Akane!"
~explanation. Akane is going up the stairs right? She can't smile to
Nabiki because in the next instant she is slamming a door. Also you need to
identify speakers in dialogue. While it is clear to YOU who is speaking,
others get lost. Pronouns are okay every now and then, but you should just
generally stick to names for short passages like this.}
"Hey, Nabs, what do you think I should wear?" Akane asked from
{um . . . no, Nabiki should be somewhat miffed/horrified/panicked from the
last scene. She would not be in Akane's room helping her dress (that is
what hand maids are for) Also you are jumping around again. Even though
you stuck in a scene change notation "****" it still doesn't work for me.
If you want to include this scene, don't end the last scene. Have Nabiki
follow Akane into her room, asking about the dinner or something. Also a
small note, Akane can't force her older sister to do anything, especially
eat a dinner she made. Nabiki being the older sister and hence a higher
ranking princess would just order it away and have the cook make her
something new. Also note that Mousse MUST have more help in a castle's
kitchen he would have to have a staff under him}
choices down to?" She asked, putting down the magazine she had had her
servant bring her from town.
{magazines didn't exist in this era. Books did, and they were expensive}
Mousse slowly strolled down though the dining room, making sure
everything was set correctly. He had all the seats assigned especially,
{cooks didn't do this, courtesy officers and protocol people did this stuff,
cooks just cooked}
and turned to the sound of talking and laughing.
{where? in the same room? In an outer room?}
meaning he would get to see that beautiful gypsy, Shampoo!! Shaking his
{just a note Gypsies were a European culture, as well as a Middle Eastern
occurrence, so I am now really leaning towards a European setting for this
story}
"Akane! Come down. Our guests are here!" Soun called.
{kings don't summon princesses. Court officers do that stuff, kings sit on
the throne and look regal}
"Coming Dad!" she yelled back from her room. Opening her door
{you had Akane refer to her sister as "oneesama", you should have her
address him as a noble as well, or drop the other family nobility reference}
she saw Nabiki run by in only a towel.
{towels as we use them nowadays didn't exist back then, robes were used,
silk robes. Also note that when bathing a hand maid did all the washing and
drying, and a princess would NEVER run around semi clothed in a castle,
EVER}
his nose. "Coming?"
{ I know it ruins the spirit of your story, but I have to mention: guards
were sub-human in a public setting. They were seen and NOT heard. and half
the time not even seen if they were any good at what they did. A princess,
even a kind and nice one, would not turn around to check if her guard was
doing his job. She would assume he was. If anything happened to her it
would be his neck not hers. Traditionally (in some cases I am aware of)
personal guards swore a blood oath over a newborns cradle. Cutting their
arms or hands to show their dedication and loyalty. Meaning they could
never change their mind and it was forever. It also showed others how
serious they were and how deadly serious they would be in protecting their
charge}
"Um, ya. Wow.. Akane-san.. you look beautiful!" She was wearing
{again I know that it ruins the flavor of your piece, but guards would NOT
comment as to the beauty of their charge, the princess would probably not
mind, but if the king heard the guard would either be killed outright, or
castrated (if he wasn't already when he swore to her) Ryouga would be taking
a HUGE risk saying this in public, and if you want him to do so, have him
beckon her close and whisper it to her}
and Akane made their way over to the large fireplace next to the kitchen
entrance, which had all sorts of delicious smells wafting out.
{kitchen entrances were in back side rooms, hidden from the view of guests,
and they did NOT smell good. This was the middle ages remember. It would
not be near any sort of fireplace}
"Ah! It is the east! And Fair Akane is the sun!" a familiar
{are you having Kunou misquote Shakespeare here on purpose, which would be
really unlikely considering his works were "new" during this time. If not
the quote is, "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is
the east, and Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious
moon. . ." I know I am picking nits here, feel free to ignore me}
annoying voice said mightily, as he stepped into the room.
"Hello, Tatewaki Dear. It's so nice to see you again," she said
{if she wanted to give him the cold shoulder should would address him by his
full title, not his first name coupled with an endearment!}
not to mention he had the IQ of a blender that just blended a Shakespeare
play. Besides, she knew that Nabiki was in love with Kuno, even though
{suggest: IQ of a blender that had just consumed the entire Shakespearean
works.}
{Nabiki has never been shown to actually love Kunou, that is a fanfiction
convention, and one hell of a popular one. Nabiki loves his money. Your
choice, just mentioning it.}
"Akane-chan, where's Nabiki?" Kasumi asked her sister, breaking
{and WHERE did Kasumi come from? You need to tell us who is in the room
before dialogue starts, or do like you did with Kunou and introduce with
prose}
Mistriss Kodachi and King Kuno to the main room.
{the princess and king would be preceded by an entourage if this is a formal
affair, the princess would be behind her father as well}
him. "Kasumi dear, could you lead these gentlemen to the dining room?"
{no father, because I am the eldest princess of this court, that is what
servants are for}
"Why of course father. Mistriss Kodachi, Kuno-oo*, if you will
{what the heck is this, "Kuno-oo*"? I know you are emphasizing the name,
but beyond that your syntax is a mystery to me.}
"Sure, Otoosan. Tatewaki Dear, why don't you follow your sister
{princesses don't address their king with "sure." Otoosama if you are going
to stay consistent with your present naming conventions}
and father, okay?" Akane said slowly, like she was talking to a child.
"Ah, but I would wish to walk with you. I will wait. Shall I
carry you, so as you do not soil your beautious slippered feet on the
filthy ground?"
{good Kunou speech here, but you are aware he is insulting her family by
saying their floors are filthy?}
spotted her father with a strange woman by his side. The woman was in a
very traditional kimono. Wow, I thought no one but old ladies wore those
{well actually LOTS of women wore them in Japan, but you have established
this story to be taking place in Europe. If you want this woman to be
wearing a Kimono you need to either a.) re-write EVERYTHING preceding this
to use Japanese clothing standards. (That is a lot of stuff) of b.) make
her a visitor from Japan.}
things now a days, Akane thought as the woman waved to her.
{women in Japan today wear kimonos still}
"Akane, this is my old friend, Queen Himeko, of Krin. She'll be
staying here for a few days. Do you think you could show her to the
guestroom?"
{again, the king would not have his daughter doing menial work}
"Of course, Ottosan," Akane said to her dad brightly. Turning
to the woman, she politely greeted her. "Konbonwa Himeko-jooosama" After
{no no no. Now you are getting out of the realm of casual Otaku fanfic
Japanese. I understand it and others will too, but others will not! If you
HAVE you have this in your story please make a note at the top of the story
to see the glossary at the end of the story before reading, and include
phrases like this in it, along with translations, or . . . use regular old
English for this phrase. (remember the majority of the readers of this
story have English as their first language) There is nothing wrong with the
perfectly equivalent phrase, "Good evening honorable Queen Himeko"}
bowing, Akane looked back up at the woman, taking the time to study her.
{ it is disrespectful to take your eyes from the person you are bowing to}
She had beautiful brown hair that was up in a bun, and was carrying a
bundle with her. Aren't those the kind of things you put katanas and
tantos into? She wondered uneasily. Oh shoot, I wish Ryo was here. What
{he should be, there would be no reason for him not to be right
beside/behind her. He is her personal bodyguard, The only place he would
not be allowed would be her bedchambers (and according to you, Soun has even
given him that privilege)}
kind of body guard is he?? He's probably lost.. Realizing they were still
waiting for her to do something, she quickly recovered. "Oh! Sorry...It's
this way.." She's a queen! Nothing to worry about. That bundle is
probably just her clothes or something. Even if not, I can probably
take her... But how good am I against a sword? I haven't practiced for
ages!
{um . . . no she was just practicing earlier in the day . . .? If you mean
weapon defenses then okay, but you need to clarify}
"So, Akane-san, could you show me where the kitchen is?" Akane
{visiting dignitaries would address a princess by their full title and
expect the same in return, even family friends}
blinked and looked up at the woman. She definitely hadn't expected that
{you have people blink a lot in your story, is that intentional?}
What is she planning on doing? Poisoning people? "The, uh,
kitchen, Himeko-sama? Umm..Why?" She asked suspiciously, but started to
{why is Akane suspicious? She has been given absolutely no reason to be
suspicious. Her father trusts the woman enough to let her loose with his
daughter without her bodyguard alone in the castle. If you want her to be
suspicious you must provide a reason, the Queen shot her a evil glance
during the introduction, her gut feeling was sending her warnings,
something, give a reason}
lead her there anyway. Well, at least Mousse will be there..
"Please call me Nodaka, or Aunite. Himeko is much too formal,"
{no, this wasn't done, not on the first meeting anyway}
"The reason I wanted to see it is because I love cooking. Perhaps if
it's not to late, I could help with tonight's dinner.."
{no! Queens did not, would not ever, and could not cook! In Japan maybe,
but NOT in Europe}
Nodaka smiled warmly at her. "There's few royalty that ever say
that. I thought I was the only one! Mostly now it's always only the
{no kidding}
Wow! You look gorgeous! Hey, who's this?"
"Hiya Mousse! This is Queen Himeko. Himeko, this is Mousse, our
{no, a servant would bow and scrape before visiting royalty, especially a
lady. Mousse should leap off his chair and bow! Akane should have to
coerce him to stand up, whispering something like, "it's okay she's okay."
Remember it was unheard of for a Queen to enter a dirty filthy kitchen,
remember these were the middle ages, kitchens weren't highly polished and
clean, they had packed dirt or brick floors, butchering was done in the
kitchen and the remains were left in piles, there were no sinks! Things
were put in troughs and barrels and carted outside by lower servants. The
kitchen was NOT a place royalty hung out}
head chef, " she said, forgetting to be polite for second. Quickly, she
{cook, chef is a French term, and generally only used in restaurants}
"My goodness! This is a lovely kitchen!" Turning very animated, she
zoomed about the room, looking through all the cupboards and
{no. Unless this is a modern day kitchen this doesn't work, see above. If
this is taking place in the twentieth century then you will have to re-word
a lot of stuff, or explain why they have refrigerators in the middle ages!}
dining room with the others?" Mousse questioned.
{better term: banquet hall}
I don't even think the entertainment are here yet," she said with a smirk,
{grammar: ". . . entertainment is here yet. . ." while there may be
multiple entertainers, when referenced as a singular entity, I.E. the
entertainment, then you must use a singular verb}
"Where in the world am I now?!?" He shouted angrily.
{cute but you really need to address his role as her bodyguard, he either is
or he isn't, if he is then he should be by her side or behind her at ALL
times, there is no possible way he could get lost, not even him}
nothing had happened. "So, have you seen enough of the kitchen? If so,
{um, wasn't she supposed to be taking her to her quarters?}
harmless. Ryouga? This is Hi- uh Autie Nodaka. Nodaka, this is Ryouga,
my body guard."
{bodyguards were NOT introduced}
and Mousse; Ryouga had wandered off saying something about freaky witches
and pigs; Mousse was asking a Brazilian Purple leafed Palm tree to dance;
{NO! bodyguards don't "wander off"}
A few princes from lower kingdoms had hesitantly asked Akane
if she wanted to dance, but she turned them down. Usually, this would
{why? She is bored out of her mind, remember this was THE chief source of
entertainment at the time, a princess refusing to dance with the lowliest
prince would be severely frowned upon}
It was getting really hot inside the ballroom. Since no one was
paying attention to her anyway, she tried slipping off her overcoat,
{why on earth is she wearing an overcoat anyway?}
the room was watching her. Now in only a skimpy, nearly see through
tanktop, and now the center of attention, Akane felt a blush slowly
{um, earlier you described her as wearing a dress? Why is she wearing a
tank top now? Did she shred her dress and this is her undershirt? (that
was called a shift by the way)}
over to the glass door, and stepped onto the balcony, before anyone would
{glass doors were non-existent to rare in this era, only thing that came
close was stained glass, and that stuff was super brittle, if you are
referring to the standard sliding glass door of the twentieth century, no,
they had not figured out how to make glass that thick and sturdy then}
<Uh, hope there's a party here in need of entertainment?> The
panda signed sheepishly.
{heh}
*gulping nervously, waiting for comments*
*shuffles feet* Please please C&C this.. it can be public.. I dun mind.
{at thy command my mistress}
Anything. ^________^ Arigatou. *huggies* Just.. don't eat me alive.
{wow, I get huggies and everything? Kewl, usually I get squat for C&C}
@_@ I'm only a junior high girl who's probably failing English anyway. ^^;
{nonsense, you are a writer. How good of one depends on the effort you put
into it, not what your letter grade is in some class}
Akane Miata
{
okay all done. Hope you liked your C&C. Overall comments for your
story? I kinda liked it. Despite the nitpicky faults I found.
Suggestions? Research. It has been said that a writer does their best
writing when writing about what they know. If you know what it is like to
be a teenage girl (and I am sure you have tons of experience within this
regard) write stories about that.
It is extremely difficult to take a story like Ranma 1/2, written in the
twentieth century and set in modern Japan in the twentieth century, and
stick it in another time and place and make it work. It is VERY hard. It
is much easier to write stories taking place in Nerima Japan, involving
teens and their antics. (not to discourage you from your present course
though)
The Ranma 1/2 cast is very easy to work with, that is one of the reasons
there are so many Ranma fics out there! Write what you know, and you will
see a dramatic change in how your writing is received. As for this story,
you can make it work if you a.) take my advice and the advice of others, use
what you want and discard the rest, and make the story work for you. b.)
research the era you are writing for, glaring errors like a fridge in the
kitchen are easily caught and fixed, knowing what a sword belt is and how it
is used is something that only research can provide.
My overall comments on the story, needs work, but it is promising! You
are writing. That is a huge plus. You say you are not doing so well in
your English classes? You would be surprised at what your constant writing
and the feedback you get will do for your writing. You should have seen MY
writing years ago when I first started! Keep writing, keep trying! Fight
the good fight! There is no knowledge that is not power!
[bows in the manner of the Kenpo dojo, right hand covering left in salute
and respect]
Love and Respect,
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Asayogure.
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