Yep. It's adfic time again.
Standard disclaimer: Nah. I don't own the Evangelion characters
Any comments (but more likely flames) can be sent to sommer@3rdm.net
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(Scene opens up with Asuka lying in bed. She wakes up with the morning sun.
Getting up, she goes to the window of her bedroom and stares blissfully at
the birds singing in the trees. Sighing happily, she holds out a finger. A
bird flies over and lands on it as though it was a perch.)
Asuka: (patting it on the head) Good morning, little birdy. I hope you have
a pleasant day today.
(The bird flies off. Sighing again, Asuka throws on a bathrobe and heads
out into the kitchen. Seated at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of cereal,
is Shinji. Misato is nowhere to be found.)
Asuka: (Still blissfully happy) Good morning, Shinji-kun. Where's Misato
this morning?
Shinji: She had to go to work early.
Asuka: I hope it's nothing important. She works so hard as it is, she
really needs a break. (Asuka walks over to the cupboard over the sink and
opens it up. She begins searching for something) Shinji, where's the
'Uberbitch'?
(Shinji reflexively looks at the garbage disposal, where there are a few
coffee grounds laying next to the opening.)
Shinji: Ah, we ran out. Sorry.
Asuka: (smiling as blissfully as ever.) Don't you worry your handsome
little head about it. (Pulls a packet from out of a pocket of her bathrobe)
I have an extra packet for just such emergencies.
Shinji: (looking panicked) But Asuka, they say coffee is bad for your
health. Maybe you should try some of Misato's beer instead. Nothing like a
'Lushweiser' to get you started in the morning.
Asuka: Don't be silly, Shinji. You know I'm just not myself until I get a
warm cup of Uberbitch to start my day.
(Asuka begins making the coffee. As the moments tick by, Shinji becomes
increasingly miserable, watching the coffee slowly bubble until it's ready.
He watches in misery as Asuka pours herself a cup, then drinks the whole
thing in one gulp. Shinji is about to get up and scurry away when Asuka
slams the cup down, shattering the ceramic. Veins are popping out of her
forehead as she shoots Shinji a look of pure rage)
Asuka: Baka Shinji! How dare you let us run out of Uberbitch! Go out and
get me some right now!
Shinji: But I have to go to school.
Asuka: Baka Shinji! Pleasing me is more important than furthering your
education! Now get going!
Shinji: (Cringing) I'm sorry. I'll go get it for you right now. (Shinji
bolts out the door as though the legions of hell were hot on his tail)
Asuka: (grinning arrogantly) I think it's time to go show everyone how
inferior they are to me. And then I'll harass Toji and put down Wondergirl.
Everyone is pond scum compared to the greatness that is me. Muhahahaha!
Announcer: (In an announcer's voice) Yes, that's right. When you need to
eradicate useless feelings of humility, humbleness, and empathy, and really
want to stick it to everyone around, you need 'Uberbitch' brand coffee. One
cup will get rid of all those unnecessary feelings in seconds, and make
everyone around you want to kill the rest of you as well. Nothing comes
close to Uberbitch for pure potency. And also try our new 'Cold Hearted
Bastard' brand tea, guaranteed to kill any conscience you might have.
Gendou: (Looking completely burned out) I know when I have to look forward
to day of acting like an unfeeling monster to everyone and everything
around me, I need Cold Heartless Bastard to get me going. (Takes a drink of
Cold Hearted Bastard. After a moment, straightens up and steeples his
fingers) That's more like it. Fuyutsuki. I believe it's time to have Kaji
killed. Aside from refusing to kowtow and act intimidated by me, he's
making Major Katsuragi happy, and you know how I feel about my subordinates
being happy. Remind me to give Shinji several cold stares as well.
Fuyutsuki: (putting down his bottle of 'Uncharismatic Flunky' bottled
water.) Of course, Ikari.
Announcer: Remember, that's Uberbitch, Cold Bastard, and Uncharismatic
Flunky, brand drinks. All of them brought to you by SEELE Inc., who's just
trying to make the world a better place... by getting rid of everyone.
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Yep, that's all. You can stop reading now.