Comments on comments@@
From:
"DaveCatt" <catthouse@lweb.net> | Block
address
To:
"FFML POSTING" <ffml@fanfic.com>, "allyn
yonge"
<ayonge@yahoo.com>
Subject:
Re:C&C [ff][R.5] Le Plus Ca Change... 2/?
Date:
Sun, 16 Apr 2000 02:56:52 -0400
<SNIP>
And so a marriage meeting was called. (Although the
man, being fairly cunning, and fond of having his
head
attached to his neck, did not inform his daughters
of
this
fact until it was too late for them to flee)
##Errrr, there seems to be a bit of an internal
contradiction . . .he's fond of his neck AND
the daughters might flee? If the daughters are going
to flee, then they can't remove his head.
And if they remove his head, they don't have to
flee.
Good point. I'll remove one or the other.
@@Well, not so much remove as smooth it out
a bit.
Removal is _one_ option. Keep the contradiction if
you wish. (Being mutually exclusive doesn't seem
to mean much in the Ranmaverse) Just don't make it
quite so obvious.
<SNIP>
"Yes!!! I left the rice cooker on! Dinner will
be
ruined!!!"
<VBG> LOL
Thanks. Sachiko has apparently inherited the
Kasumi gene.
@@I LOVE the Tendou daughter interactions.
<SNIP>
"Aaaarrrgggh!!! Look, I saw it with my own
eyes!
Pop
emptied a kettle over the big hairy pig's head, and
it
turned
into that boy!"
"Don't be ridiculous!"
"Would I make something this dumb up?!!"
##Errrr, has Ranma lost his curse? If so, you need
to
make
this clearer early on. It just doesn't seem
reasonable that
any daughter(s) of Ranma would be so flummoxed by a
simple
curse. (Just look at all the "interesting" things
that
followed Ranma
home when he was just dating. ^_^)
Well, that whole exchange was in place so that
readers _would_ say
"what
the heck?"... I have a revelation in store about
Ranma's curse that I
waned to save for later on in the story.
@@fair enough. IMO you need to provide _some_ sort of
foreshadowing. Or perhaps something to the effect::
"He turned into a pig (boy/man) when
they poured (cold/hot)water on him. I've never seen
anything like it
before."
Just to lessen the shock a little.
##Overall::??? Hmmm. Some VERY VERY funny spots.
Overall it's rather slow. The interaction between
the
two
Tendou daughters is the best. The "junior" Hibiki
has
some possibilities but he appears rather bland for
the
most
part. Ranma/Ryouga = = Genma/Soun :(
I know, I know... Bear with me, Alllyn, I promise
Ranma and Ryoga
will emerge as very different folks as the fic
unfolds.
@@OK. Ummmm, I just think it would be better to
establish them
as "different" much earlier own. I'd like to see the
same sort of
natural interaction between them as is shown between
the Tendou
daughters.
As for Kobuta, any
suggestions on how to "spice him up?" I'm trying to
make his
personality
fairly similar to Ryoga, only minus the angst.
@@ Ryouga has a personality? ^_~
Seriously it's the angst that MAKES Ryouga. Take that
away and
I'm not sure there's much left.
(After all, he had a
HAPPY
childhood) As future chapters will illustrate, he has
his share of
little
quirks, though, plus the unfortunate "foot in mouth"
syndrome that once
characterized his future father in law.
@@Hmmm, a happy Hibiki. Seems like an aberration of
nature.
I think my problem with this is that
Kasumi-clone (?) + Happy Hibiki = bland.
There doesn't seem to be much spice in the mix.
I'm glad you like the
interplay of
Lonko and Sachiko, it's something I'm particularly
fond of myself.
@@VERY well done. Excellent.
<SNIP>
Hope this helps. Look forward to the next chapter.
Once again, glad you like the daughters Tendo.
Kobuta is presently
on
his best behaviour, but he will begin showing some
Hibiki traits
shortly.
@@Don't wait. You showed us the daughters right away.
AND you gave us two pigs on a train in the beginning.
So give us more of Kututa, earlier on.
Sachiko IS genrally more polite and restrained than
her mother was in
her
position, but I'm trying to give Kobuta and Sachiko a
_different_ set
of
challenges to face than Ranma and Akane did.
@@Just let us see it a little sooner.
The multiple
fiancees/girlfriends are a common element with R+A's
courtship, but the
personalities of the two principle characters are very
different. Once
again, bear with me, I don't wanna give everything
away at once.~_^
@@<sigh>I want to know NOW!!!
^)^
You don't have to give it all away at once. But
Sachiko and Kobuta
seem so _bland_. (now Sachiko and Lanko are great)
After all the original Ranma starts off very quickly.
You're handicapped by the original characterizations
of course.
Your readers have certain expectation and
pre-conceptions.
IMO to overcome this you need to have a much stronger
start
to the story. You've got too much that seems the
_same_.
If you give the reader a little more idea of Kobuta's
quirks earlier on
this will help. Show a little more of the contrast
between Kobuta and Sachiko
that will provide the dramatic tension. They just both
seem to _nice_
to have any problems. ^_^
Thanks (as always) for the thoughtful C+C. (I
really _should_ get
around
to C+Cing Sukeban Senshi, shouldn't I? <Dave bigsweats
nervously>)
@@^_^
Hope I've helped a little.
It's a nice read. Looking forward to the next chapter.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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