----- Original Message -----
From: "allyn yonge" <ayonge@yahoo.com>
To: <catthouse@lweb.net>; <ffml@fanfic.com>
Sent: April 14, 2000 11:44 AM
Subject: [FFML] C&C [ff][R.5] Le Plus Ca Change... 2/?
<SNIP>
And so a marriage meeting was called. (Although the
man, being fairly cunning, and fond of having his head
attached to his neck, did not inform his daughters of
this
fact until it was too late for them to flee)
##Errrr, there seems to be a bit of an internal
contradiction . . .he's fond of his neck AND
the daughters might flee? If the daughters are going
to flee, then they can't remove his head.
And if they remove his head, they don't have to flee.
Good point. I'll remove one or the other.
The man's name was Ranma Tendo. And as to the
outcome of
that marriage meeting, well...
**************************************
<SNIP>
"Hey! There's no need to be insulting! I remember
perfectly well! We were in the dojo, Daddy had just
said
something about an old friend of his..." Her voice
trailed
off. "Oh my god! OH MY GOD!!!"
"Aha." said Lonko with a smirk. "Now do you
understand?"
"Yes!!! I left the rice cooker on! Dinner will be
ruined!!!"
<VBG> LOL
Thanks. Sachiko has apparently inherited the Kasumi gene.
<SNIP>
"The cute boy" Another nod. "The cute boy in your
room."
Further nodding. "The cute boy in your room turns into
a pig."
A blink, another, then...
"Lost me."
"Aaaarrrgggh!!! Look, I saw it with my own eyes!
Pop
emptied a kettle over the big hairy pig's head, and it
turned
into that boy!"
"Don't be ridiculous!"
"Would I make something this dumb up?!!"
##Errrr, has Ranma lost his curse? If so, you need to
make
this clearer early on. It just doesn't seem
reasonable that
any daughter(s) of Ranma would be so flummoxed by a
simple
curse. (Just look at all the "interesting" things that
followed Ranma
home when he was just dating. ^_^)
Well, that whole exchange was in place so that readers _would_ say "what
the heck?"... I have a revelation in store about Ranma's curse that I wanted
to save for later on in the story.
##Overall::??? Hmmm. Some VERY VERY funny spots.
Overall it's rather slow. The interaction between the
two
Tendou daughters is the best. The "junior" Hibiki has
some possibilities but he appears rather bland for the
most
part. Ranma/Ryouga = = Genma/Soun :(
I know, I know... Bear with me, Alllyn, I promise Ranma and Ryoga will
emerge as very different folks as the fic unfolds. As for Kobuta, any
suggestions on how to "spice him up?" I'm trying to make his personality
fairly similar to Ryoga, only minus the angst. (After all, he had a HAPPY
childhood) As future chapters will illustrate, he has his share of little
quirks, though, plus the unfortunate "foot in mouth" syndrome that once
characterized his future father in law. I'm glad you like the interplay of
Lonko and Sachiko, it's something I'm particularly fond of myself.
IMO you are trying to stick _too_ closely to the
original and
it's hampering your natural writing abilities. The
entire interaction
between Ranma/Ryouga seems very flat and lifeless.
I'll admit the pigs in the garden is funny. However
most of that humor is due to the daughters reaction.
Hmm. I will see what I can do...
And the interaction between the daughters in
"discussing"
things is priceless. It's funny, natural and flows
smoothly. A+
Kobuta has some funny parts and he shows some
promise as a developing character. However he seems
a little too nice and well mannered, especially if
he's going
to be contrasted with Sachiko (who seems very polite
herself)
Ranma/Ryouga . . .it's very much like re-reading the
manga.
It's good . . .but I've seen/read it before. I'd much
rather
read YOUR words.
Hope this helps. Look forward to the next chapter.
Once again, glad you like the daughters Tendo. Kobuta is presently on
his best behaviour, but he will begin showing some Hibiki traits shortly.
Sachiko IS genrally more polite and restrained than her mother was in her
position, but I'm trying to give Kobuta and Sachiko a _different_ set of
challenges to face than Ranma and Akane did. The multiple
fiancees/girlfriends are a common element with R+A's courtship, but the
personalities of the two principle characters are very different. Once
again, bear with me, I don't wanna give everything away at once.~_^
Thanks (as always) for the thoughtful C+C. (I really _should_ get around
to C+Cing Sukeban Senshi, shouldn't I? <Dave bigsweats nervously>)
Here Endeth The Lesson.
Spa Fon!
-------------------------------------------
Dave Menard
Keeper of Pink's Hammer of Vengeance
Knight of the Combat Fiancees
Member of the Space Pirates Guild
http://www.angelfire.com/anime/spacepiratesguild/
"I would not, could not kill the King... I would not poison Anything!"
--Green Eggs and Hamlet