You will probaly get a lot of comments like this first one: LINE LENGTH.
It is very disconcerting poorly formatted text. The tip is to send it to
yourself first to check that the formatting is OK. Normally I would not
have read past the first paragraph due to the formatting but I am a sucker
for WAFF.
I will however admit I am glad I read on, I did enjoy this.
Other C& C emmbedded in text.
Jeanette.
At 06:58 PM 4/14/00 PDT, you wrote:
Okay, so this is my first attempt at a Ranma fic, however I've been writing
for other anime/manga series' for a few years now, so it shouldn't be too
bad. I only own up to no.8 (volume) of the manga, but I absolutely adore
Ranma! Anyways, take a look and tell me what you think, please?
MK
Akane's Secret Attack!
By Moon Klutz
Rat: g/pg
AN: This takes place at the end of volume two of Ranma 1/2, within the
last section, 'lips at a loss'. When I read the final scene I just sort of
wished it had turned out differently. For reference, this takes place just
after Ryoga humiliated Ranma in the Tendo house, when the Tendo family
found out that Sanzenin had caught Ranma-chan off-guard, and kissed her.
Ranma was upset because it was his first kiss, but didn't want to admit it.
See, easier to read.
"Grr..." Ranma growled in frustration to himself as he crouched huddled
over in the center of the empty dojo floor. The wind howled outside, but it
was nothing compared to
Ranma's constant mumbling,
grumbling and growling. He had been made a fool, probably all of Nerima
would know by sunrise if Nabiki had
anything to do with it, and nobody seemed to care how he felt.
Try "crouched huddled the center of the empty dojo"
His first kiss, a boy!
A boy he despised no less.
WHAP! An almost mocking hand lightly smacked him across the back off his
head, the rush of air
flowing past bringing him back to his senses.
Break into two sentences: An almost mocking hand lightly smacked him across
the back off his head. The rush of air flowing past brought him back to
his senses.
"Your back's wide open," Akane stated from behind him, "You're completely
unguarded!" She was
scolding him lightly, and in a way, it made him miss his mother. She had
been somewhat like that at times like this. Scolding, but then warm at the
same time. "How long do you plan to pout?" she asked scoldingly. Ranma's
face had a slight rose tint, and he faced away from her, hands clenched in
front of his face, legs up against his chest defensively. Then she
delivered the final blow for that round. "...And you call yourself a man!"
You've made no mention of Akane coming around the front of Ranma so the
sentence "Ranma's
face had a slight rose tint, and he faced away from her, ..." makes little
sense. Similarly in the following its harder to turn further away from
someone behind you, thay are as far away from your face as they can be at
that time.
"Humph!" Ranma turned even farther away, hurt, and feeling very much
alone. Didn't she realize that that was the whole reason he felt so...
betrayed? Men didn't leave themselves unguarded and get kissed by other
[repulsive] men. Men didn't change into kawaii women when splashed with
cold water. Men were strong, and right about now, Ranma was feeling very
weak. "If you think it's so funny -- go ahead and laugh!" he snorted. It
was the only response he could come up with before she thought any less of
him. His cheeks were still stained red with embarrassment, shame and fear.
"Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha!" Akane laughed loudly, trying to get a rise out of
him.
Needless to say, it worked.
Ranma spun around on his heels, still crouching, and she had apparently
matched him. "What's so
funny?!" he demanded angrily. Their faces only a few inches apart, Akane
was suddenly very serious.
"Was that really your first kiss?" she breathed, questioning, surprised and
almost sorry sounding.
A few too many adjectives here. May be: "Was that really your first kiss?"
she breathed. She sounded suprised.
Ranma didn't reply for a moment, but turned away, falling into a
cross-legged position, head down, hands
tucked under his ankles.
"What difference does it make?" he muttered. He wasn't ready to show a
weakness, especially not
to Akane. Never Akane, even if he was currently covered in small cuts,
bruises and burns.
"Oh, foo..." Akane breathed in a condescending tone. He could hear the
small clicks and shuffles as
she opened the first aid kit that had been sitting next to her. "It doesn't
make any difference at all," she
continued, this time more understanding, "but really,"
I don't think the "but really," tracks properly here. I wasn't sure if you
were refering to the fact that he really sould have his cuts etc seen to or
that the kiss didn't matter, while the next part of the story clears it up
the fact that the proceeding paragraph deals with two seperate issues does
confuse some (namely me).
"Ouch..." Ranma muttered under his breath, facing her now as she wiped his
cuts clean and applied
a bandage right across the slope of his nose. He looked almost cute.
"...To let yourself be kissed so easily! You haven't trained enough." She
decided, nodding to herself.
Akane wasn't done yet though it seemed, and Ranma watched wide-eyed as she
unwrapped another
Band-Aid while she spoke. "You talk a good match, but leave yourself open a
lot." She decided finally, eyelids
lowered as she began to peel the backing from the sticky item. Ranma saw
this as an opening to prove her
wrong, and reached out a hand swiftly, tapping her on a shoulder and
flipping her onto her back so she lay
half sprawled across his lap, their faces very close together.
"Who are you to talk?" he asked cockily. Something froze in him as he
looked down at her startled
face, finally realizing just how close their faces were, and what position
they were in. "Ack!" Ranma dropped
her almost immediately, scooting backwards and placing a good three feet
between them, face as red as ever
as he stuttered. "D-Don't get the wrong idea!" She looked calm. Too calm.
It unnerved him. "It's not like I
was gonna kiss you or anything." He knew though, even as he said the words,
how close he had come to
actually doing just that.
Her calm exterior was betrayed by a slight shaking in her own voice as well
though, and she looked
away before replying. "I -- I know that." She seemed to gain some strength
again though, and continued
boldly, "You wouldn't have the guts to that, anyway." She scoffed. It was a
mere split second before Ranma
was within inches of her face again, angry this time, his pride wounded.
"Keep talking like that and I might! He growled angrily.
"Oh yeah?!" she challenged, "Go ahead and try it!"
Well he does have a weakness where challenges are concerned, I am glad you
used it here.
Foreheads resting against each other, bangs brushing each other's eyes,
they stared each other
down with angry and determined gazes.
"O-Okay!" Ranma replied, suddenly unsure again. "But close your eyes!"
Akane was silent, gave him
one last glare for good measure and then firmly closed her eyes, waiting.
Would he do it? She had certainly
spent a lot of energy goading him into this.
The silence was deafening. Ranma kept a fierce face on, though his eyes
swept down over her hair,
closed eyes and cute nose before coming to rest on her lips. Did he really
want to do this like...this?
Wouldn't, couldn't he do this better, somewhere else, more romantically?
Then again, he may never gain the
nerve. Come to think of it, what little nerve he currently had was quickly
taking a vacation off somewhere
else.
hehehehe
He needed an escape route, something, anything! Where was Nabiki
when you needed her?!
Given the situation its actually surprising that Nabiki hasn't shown up.
Consider the mileage she could get out of this.
"Uh, I guess this is something you have to do..." Somewhere else? At the
right time? Somewhere
more romantic? That wasn't exactly what came out. "...With someone you
like." That made him sad. She
probably didn't even like him. She hit him enough, after all. Akane's eyes
snapped open, hurt, confused, and
then angry. She smoothed her features a bot before looking to the left.
Yah I found a speeling error... "a bot"?
"I... see. So of course you can't do it with me!" Ranma almost jumped off
of the floor.
"That's not what I meant!" he yelled. Her head swerved back to him, eyes
wide, hopeful. He was
silent. His shoulders dropped slightly, his fists loosened up a bit as he
looked back at her, just as hopeful.
"If... you don't mind...then I don't." he admitted softly. Akane blushed
slightly and looked down at her knees.
Then, after what seemed like forever, she looked back up at him, smiling
softly. "I don't mind." She
stated. Ranma was almost giddy with nervousness and happiness, torn between
cheering or just kissing the
sweet breath out of her. This was what he wanted! He wanted it to be
something meaningful and sweet,
not just an angry dare with odd consequences. He smiled at her.
"Close your eyes again." He breathed, shuffling a little closer to her.
She smiled shyly at the joke, it
calmed her down a bit more, and then did as he said, and closed her eyes.
Leaning in, he cupped her face gently and tilted it up, his eyes closing as
he finally did what he
should have done a long time ago. His lips brushed softly over hers, and
she leaned forward a little more at
the same time he did. It was sweet, heavenly and perfect. He could smell
the soft perfume of her hair as his
hands brushed lightly over her cheeks, her hands moving to play with his
pigtail, tickling the back of his neck
lightly. Pulling back finally, they both opened heavy-lidded eyes and
blushed lightly.
"See, now don't you feel much better?" Akane asked quietly. Ranma smiled.
"Hai, but I'd feel a lot better if we could do that one more time." He
said, grinning at her. Akane had
no objections, and life went on.
I really did like this.
***Somewhere else in the Tendo Household ***
"Hm, I feel like there's something I should be doing right now... I wonder
what it could be?" Four
people wondered aloud.
------
C&C Extremely welcome!
MK - lunap@lunap.com
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