Netscape munched my first attempt at a reply to this. Here we go again:
allyn yonge wrote:
Hi,
My comments##
Boy this is REALLY late. :(
Hey, late is definitely better than never. :)
For those who've forgotten (or haven't read) the chapter, it's at
<http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/fanfic/genie05.txt>.
This was a very difficult chapter to C&C.
Overall: Dialogue, plotting, craftsmanship are
superb as always. However something about
the story left me feeling uncomfortable, much like
a pebble in my shoe, or a bit of dust in my eye.
Very difficult to find the exact cause. So I put the
story
aside to think about it for a while. I did this
several times.
In fact I've gotten other people (not fanfic readers)
to
help me with it. I'm still not satisfied that I've put
my finger
on the problem. OR even if there really is a problem.
It is much
more likely that it is merely a stylistic conflict.
However this is the
best I've been able to come up with. I hope that it is
helpful.
Pretty much everything we do as C&Cers is subjective to one degree or another.
Whether I end up agreeing with you or not, I appreciate all the time and obvious
thought you've put into this.
"That's right, Ranma." Nabiki crossed the
Tendo living room,
sliding down onto the floor next to him. "Every other
Thursday, Kasumi
takes the night off and goes out, leaving the rest of
us to fend for
ourselves."
##Ummm, if it's every other Thursday it's every other
week, not weekly.
Good point. I'll strike the "other."
I like the concept. Adds a little touch of realism. I
don't like the term "leftover night". It just sounds
too 1950's America. OTOH I can't think of a better
term.
I can't either at the moment, but I'll think about it.
Ranma set down the Giant Killer Robots of
Death manga he had
been reading. "Really? Where's she go?"
"We don't know." Her smirk told him that he'd
just won the
Stupidest Question Of The Week award. "She always
leaves plenty of
food, so no one will starve."
##Why is it a stupid question? Seems perfectly natural
to me.
The answer "We don't know." also seems a bit strange.
It isn't necessarily stupid, but that doesn't prevent Nabby from acting as if it
were. It's one of those things that are accepted as the way things are by family
members, but are mysterious to outsiders.
I think I'm just having trouble imaging Kasumi just
disappearing w/o ANY explanation. Not that it
couldn't happen. It just doesn't _feel_ right to me
as written.
Not sure what to make of this. I tend to like my Kasumi to be somewhat
inscrutable. "I'm going out tonight, Father." "Oh really? Where to?" "Just to
take care of a few things."
Nabiki crossed her legs together, swiveling
around to face him.
"Yesterday, I sent off a letter to a certain young
man. You may know
the type: very rich, very handsome, very full of
himself."
##I's leave off "You may know the type." IMO::
" . . .I sent off a letter to a certain young man:
very rich, very handsome,
very full of himself."
is more natural sounding.
Will consider.
"Oh, yes. Hired by his father." Her expression
became serious,
almost intense. "It's a tough world out there, Ranma.
Loving parents
have to protect their son from unscrupulous
gold-diggers."
##I wouldn't think Nabiki would get "serious" with
Ranma. "Flippant" perhaps.
Mock serious. Inwardly, she's laughing, but such subtleties are lost on Ranma,
and on the narrator since this part is Ranma's POV.
Also, IMO::
"Loving parents have to protect their children from .
. ."
OR
"His parents want to protect their son from . . ."
OK.
"I don't get it," he said. "Why bother going
out to dinner with
him? Why not just wish for him to give you money?"
"You probably wouldn't understand, Ranma." She
smiled
enigmatically, as if to say, I'm a puzzle; you'll
never figure me out.
##IMO this is too subtle for Ranma. I would think
Nabiki would
directly tell Ranma he's too dense to understand.
But why tell when you can show? She's saying this expecting that he'll demand a
chance to understand, which she gives him, expecting that he'll blow it, which
he does.
Ranma picked up his manga and tried to
remember what page he'd
been on. No matter how hard he tried, there were some
people he'd
*never* understand.
##He's not the only one. I've read this bit several
times and I still
don't' understand it. Unless you're trying to portray
Nabiki
as cruel for the sake of being cruel. In which case
you're being
too subtle for _some_ readers. ^_^
No, she's not being sadistic -- merely trying to make a point by juxtaposing
Ranma's situation with hers. Ranma isn't interested in fighting because of the
rewards and recognition. Similarly, Nabzy -- at least as written in this story
-- isn't after money for its own sake. She does what she does because she enjoys
the thrill of using her wits to fleece cash away from the Mendos of the world.
Yes, I could have spelled this out for the readers, but I'd rather not.
Sometimes I like to just leave people with something to think about.
##Nice set-up. IMO it would be better if more
personal.
Example:: " . . .fits around Kasumi, knowing that she
would never, ever
be able to inspire the same reaction from him."
OTHO sometimes when I read "little Akane Tendo" it
does seem
natural. :(
I avoided using "she" because two females were mentioned right before it, and I
wanted to avoid any ambiguity. The 'little' is a reflection of Tofu's view of
Akane -- or, more accurately, Akane's view of Tofu's view of Akane.
Of course, that wasn't quite true. There were
no 'nevers,' not
## A little bit of a tongue twister.
I can change this to 'There weren't any nevers.'
<SNIP>
The sidewalk along which Akane was walking
came to an end as she
reached Shogyo Street. She turned right, and houses
and trees gave way
to rows of shops. Appalled at her own thoughts, Akane
stared sheepishly
at the passers-by, almost expecting them to chastise
her. How could she
even think of using a wish to control Tofu?
## "sheepishly" seems an odd word choice. And perhaps
"Tofu-sensei"?
Or "Dr Tofu"?
No, no, she's referring to fried bean curd! Yeah, really! Okay, I'll change it.
:)
<SNIP>
"It is?"
"Yes, it is. And it's also free food."
"Well, when you put it *that* way...." Ranma
had to admit that
the thought of a big dinner at a really good
restaurant appealed to
him. What could it hurt? How much trouble could this
guy be anyhow? "Okay,
I'll go."
##Ranma caved a little fast on this one. Especially
since
it's Nabiki talking. A Nabiki that seems completely
w/o any
redeeming social or human values. She's pretty amoral
in the manga/anime,
but it's funnier. This just seems . . .well it reminds
me of Tennessee Williams
stuff. A grey, depressing, hopeless sort of existence.
I'm not sure what to make of this. I don't see Nabby here as any colder than the
one in the Kinnosuke storyline, for example. Perhaps it's because with Ranma's
powers, the stakes are higher here? As for funny, well... I do my best. :) I
suppose to some extent, it's in the eye of the beholder. There's fanfics that
get routinely touted as great comedy that I've never found to be particularly
funny. Maybe I just have a weird sense of humor. ^_^
As for Ranma agreeing to quickly, you may be right.
"That's better," Nabiki said. Ranma tried to
quell his
embarrassment with thoughts of how good that food was
going to taste.
"Now, I've got to go up and change my own clothes
before they get
here."
##Again, Ranma seems to have given in to this far too
easily.
And why doesn't Nabiki simply wish for a change for
herself?
She's already shown herself to be completely devoid of
morals,
scruples or decency. So I can't believe she'd refrain
simply because
Ranma had already given her the wish he owed her. The
only thing I
could come up with (with some help from friends) was
that Nabiki would
be afraid _that_ wish might be canceled by accident.
If that's the case it
might help to make it (or some other reason) more
explicit.
Just a matter of simple practicality. There's always a chance that Ranma might
turn back to male, either accidentally or to cancel a bad wish. His clothes
changing back to normal when this happens is actually a good thing; but Nabiki
wouldn't want to find herself back in her shorts and T-shirt.
"Kasumi...." Tofu felt his face fluster. A
dull ache pounded at
the back of his skull. "I know that I... lose
control... when anyone
else sees the two of us together. But not when we're
alone!"
##???That's an odd affliction. It seems . .
.contrived?
It may be. OTOH, there are a lot of odd ailments in Ranma 1/2, like familes who
can't find their way to the front door, and chefs with heads shaped like
spatulas.
##Ummm, this could be a little complicated. She was
wished
from Tofu > Restaurant. Then wished:
Restaurant > Tofu
If the wishes all vanish when Ranko turns back to
Ranma
then Akane should bounce first from Tofu>Restaurant
then back to Tofu. But wouldn't that hold true even if
she
leaves by the door or window? If she leaves now,
even if she goes home, as soon as Ranko becomes Ranma
then
Akane is going to end up back in Tofu's closet no
matter where
she is when the wish is canceled or how she got there.
That is, if Akane wished she were in Hong Kong while
standing
in her bedroom, the wish vanishes when Ranko turns
back to Ranma.
However doesn't Akane return to her original state?
Back to her own bedroom
(Which is what I thought happened) Therefore I would
think that
the ONLY way Akane could actually get out of Tofu's
closet would
be _after_ the wishes were canceled, returning her to
her neutral state.
The way I see it is this: The effect of a teleporting wish is to displace its
subject by a certain distance in a certain direction. Cancellation of the wish,
therefore, will displace the subject from whereever he/she happens to be at the
cancellation time, the same distance in the opposite direction.
So, if Akane wished herself back to her bedroom, and stayed there, when Ranma
went back to uncursed form she would indeed go back to Tofu's closet. OTOH, if
she had left the restaurant on foot, she would have ended up... um... somewhere
else. :) (Come to think of it, Ranma could teleport any distance east or west by
having someone wish him to the North or South pole, walking a few feet, and then
applying hot water. But he's not enough of a geography enthusiast to think of
this. ^_^)
##<eeeeeeee> I think I hurt myself trying to figure
this out.
Does the above explanation make it any less painful? :)
*Some genie you are, Ranma,* she thought to
herself. *Here I go
and make a wish, and it brings nothing but trouble.* A
tiny voice
inside
her told her that from all the legends, wishes leading
to nothing but
trouble was pretty normal for genies; she did her best
to ignore it.
##Actually Aladin did pretty well other than having
the lamp
stolen that time. Other than that he was a LOT better
off
with the wishes.
Akane hasn't read that. :)
Overall: I found this episode very depressing. As
ususal it was
well written but . . .
1)Nabiki was so thoroughly nasty that I didn't want to
read
about her.
2)Tofu was in real pain. There were some classic
slap-stick setups.
But it wasn't funny to me since he seemed to be in
such pain.
Yes, this is a good point. I tried to make Tofu a little less sympathetic by
showing him as too stubborn to see a doctor for his troubles. Obviously this
wasn't enough, at least for you as a reader, but I'm not sure what more can be
done.
3)Akane would have been funnier, IMO, if her troubles
had
come about by accident. If, for instance, she'd wished
that Tofu
could see her the way he saw her sister. This was much
too deliberately
an attempt to do something really nasty to be funny OR
to feel
much sympathy. At the end she appears to be as nasty
as Nabiki.
Would have been funnier, perhaps, but not really believable. If she'd turned
into Kasumi unintentionally, it would be easy for her to change back.
What's more, even though I'm a fan of the character, I'm trying hard *not* to do
a "saint Akane" in this series. She's got access to real power here, and pretty
much anyone would be tempted by it to some degree. How many of us, if we had a
genie, would be able to resist using it to get a little closer to someone we
were infatuated with? I don't want to go overboard in the other direction either
and do an "evil Akane," but two of my prereaders on this chapter are staunch
Akane supporters and neither one of them had any objections to her doing what
she did in this story.
4)Ranma: again some potentially VERY funny bits. On
the whole
the humor seemed rather forced.
Everyone seems extremely selfish, self-centered and
uncaring. IMO if the set-up were changed so that the
events were
cause by _accident_ it would be much lighter and
funnier.
OTOH you might have been trying for a serious tone.
This series is meant as a mix of humorous scenes and serious character
development. (Like the manga itself -- but Takahashi-sama is much better at it
than I am.) As such, the balance is delicate and difficult to maintain, and
evidently it didn't work well for you in this case.
In any case, I thank you for sharing your views on this chapter; it's definitely
a different perspective than I'd heard so far.
Gary