My comments##
Everything is In My Opinion (IMO) ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Date:
Tue, 11 Apr 2000 07:30:21 -0800
From:
"coorlim " <coorlim@my-Deja.com> | Block
address
Subject:
[FFML] [fic][MR2][Lime] Monster Rancher 2
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My Deja Email (http://www.my-deja.com:80)
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##You need to provide a disclaimer giving
credit to the original author of Monster Rancher
(Know, interestingly enough as "Monster Farm"
in Japan)
Monster Rancher 2
by Coorlim
Holly awoke to a very strange sound. Opening her
eyes, she
found the source of the strange sound to be Genki and
Mocchi
running around in circles, waving thier arms around,
and
hooting excitedly while Suezo, Hare, Golem, and Tiger
watched them
avidly.
"What's going on?" she asked, rubbing the sleep funk
from
her eyes.
"No idea," confessed Hare. "They've been doing this
for
hours, and refuse to tell us why."
She turned to Genki with some concern. "Genki, what
are you
doing?"
"Woooooooooooooo!" replied Genki.
"Woooooooooooooo!" agreed Mocchi.
##Cute. ^_^
She turned to look at Suezo.
"Fuck 'em," Suezo proposed. "Lets just eat
breakfast.
##Ummm, a little harsh for Suezo. OTOH it does
get the readers attention.
The others agreed.
Sometime after breakfast was cooked, Mocchi and
Genki joined
the others at the table.
"Smells good! What's for breakfast?" yelled Genki,
despite
the fact that everyone was right next to him.
"Mocchi hungry!" yelled Mocchi, drooling Mocchi spit
all
over everything.
"Same thing as always," Hare replied. "Potatoes.
Cheap
bastards."
"What the hell was all that about?" asked Holly.
##Errrr, while I have no objections to profanity as
such
it should, IMO, serve a purpose in the story. This
seems
rather gratuitous.
"Aw wha out?" asked Genki around the potato stuffed
into his
mouth. Holly sighed and pulled it out, cutting it
into smaller
pieces for him.
##<G>
"All what about?" Genki asked.
"You know, the running and hooting."
"Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you dipshits?"
asked
Suezo.
##??? Again, the profanity seems to serve no purpose
and is rather jarring in context.
"Oh, that?" replied Genki, trying to steal Mocchi's
potato.
"We were pretending to be Tiger of the Wind!"
"What?" asked Tiger, incredulously.
"Yeah! We are Tiger!" agreed Mocchi, stealing his
potato
back from Genki.
"Pretty accurate, huh?" asked Genki, stealing
Hare's
potato.
"Sure convinced me," quipped Hare, pulling his
potato out
of Genki's mouth. He looked at it for a moment then
shoved it
back in.
"I do NOT run around in circles hooting like an
idiot."
Tiger growled.
##<BG>
"Sure you do. Watch!" yelled Genki, jumping up
alongside
Mocchi. They began to run around hooting excitedly,
and it
took the others an hour to calm them down again.
Much later the weary travelers were further down
the road,
following the path prescribed by Holly's magic stone.
Genki
was running around in circles, attatched by an elastic
leash
to Golem. Mocchi was riding on Tigers back singing a
song
consisiting chiefly of his name over and over again.
##^_^ Cute
Suezo watched Genki running with awe. "How can
that little
shitwank have so much energy from potatoes?"
"Will you quit bitching about the damn potatoes?"
Holly
yelled.
"Its not the potatoes, Suezo," Hare commented.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" demanded
Suezo.
##??? "shitwank", "bitchin", "damn" & "fuck"
errr, just a bit of overkill here. This has gotten
tiresome very quickly.
"I gave Genki a candy bar."
"Hare, why would you do such a thing? You know how
he gets
if he eats any sugar!"
"Yeah, its hillarious!" laughed Hare. "I could
watch him
make a jackass of himself all day."
They walked on in silence for a while, except for
Mocchi
who kept singing. Finally Holly spoke.
"Hare, where did you get a candy bar?"
Hare sniffed. "That's MY secret."
Hours later they arrived in town.
"Thank god," breathed Holly. "We're out of
potatoes."
"Great. More fucking potatoes." sighed Suezo.
Holly turned to Hare. "Okay, Hare, go buy a bag of
potatoes."
Hare shook his head. "No can do, Holly. Genki
threw all of
our gold into the river on the ferry over.
"Oh shit..." she said quietly.
"You know the drill, Holly..." Hare continued.
"Why do I always have to be the Prostitute?" she
whined.
##errrr, OK. I think you're missing out on an
opportunity
for some comedy here. IMO perhaps some arguing about
using some
of the other's in that role. Put Genki in a dress,
makeup on Golem, etc.
"You just do. Now, go peddle your ass, bitch!"
screamed Suezo,
playing the roll of pimp, slapping Holly with his
tail.
Hare waited until Holly was well out of range
before jingling
the money bag. "Good. Now, off to the nudie bar!"
##Again, not very funny. Put a little more effort into
this part.
If you're going to try for an "Adult" MR take
advantage of
the possibilites. IMO this is too hastily written and
does not take
real advantage of the characters original
personalities. You've got
some great opportunities for parody and lampooning
here.
"Peddle your ass, bitch" is rather bland.
For example, instead of just sending Holly out as
a prostitute you could have them draw lots. BUT have
the game rigged. EVERY one is cheating, except Holly
(for example)
and she's the ONLY one who IS NOT chosen. You could
have
everyone else dressed up and in makeup and heels (the
thought of Golem in heels and lipstick is mind
boggling) At any rate this is not
the ONLY thing that could be done but is demonstrates
an alternative. As it stands now it's a rather boring
scene.
Hours later the men
##men?
rejoined Holly in front of the potato store.
Genki had shoved the fake mustache they had all used
to get turns
with Holly into his pants and was running around
screaming about
weasles. Holly was walking funny (because of Golem,
no doubt) and
was carrying a huge bag of potatos.
##Again, an interesting idea. But you're not showing
the reader what
happened. (I'm NOT talking about graphic sex, btw) But
the idea
of ALL of them in false mustache's is rather amusing.
You've set up
the concept, now flesh it out.
"Well," winced Holly. "I finally saved enough
money for the
potatos."
"Fucking potatos," commented Suezo.
##OK, Now THIS is the place to use "fucking".
If you had refrained from overusing profanity earlier
this
would have been a wonderful joke.
Example::
"Fucking potatos," commented Suezo.
"NO! Not the potatoes tooooo," Holly wailed.
OR
"Fucking potatoes," commented Suezo.
"Five thousand yen," Holly said tiredly, holding out
her hand. "in advance."
##There are a LOT of chances for humor in this
segment. (or for
eroticism if that's what you want)
"Hey, where's Mocchi?" asked Holly.
They all looked around (except for Genki, who was
peeing on Golem)
but Mocchi was nowhere to be found.
"I lost track of him a little earlier..." muttered
Tiger.
"Genki, where's Mocchi?" asked Holly.
Genki smiled proudly. "He's right here!"
"Where?" asked Hare.
"Here!" replied Genki.
"I don't see him," whined Holly, peering about in
vain.
"Of course not! You CAN'T see him!"
"Fucking Christ..." muttered Suezo, tired of
Genki's bullshit.
##:(
"Why not? Is he invisible?" asked Holly.
"Because he's in my TUMMY!" announced Genki,
clapping his hands
joyfully.
"YOU WHAT?!?" shrieked Holly.
"What did he taste like?" wondered Tiger.
"Marshmallow," confided Genki.
"You fucking ATE the little shit?" gasped Suezo.
"Really? Marshmallow?" asked Tiger.
"Yep. Just like Hare."
"What!?!" shrieked Hare as Tiger gazed at him
speculatively.
"I lick all of you while you sleep," confided
Genki.
##<bleah> That's just sick. But funny.
"I'm going to be sick," muttered Holly, sitting
down.
Hare screamed as Tiger bit off his arm.
"I'll be damned. Marshmallow," he mused.
##^_^
THE END
##Overall: rather bland. A terrible overuse of
profanity.
Particularly unfortunate since it ruins a wonderful
joke
setup later on. Some cute segments and not a bad
punch line.
The overall story has possibilities but many wonderful
opportunities for real humor are lost.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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