--
On Tue, 11 Apr 2000 10:29:13 allyn yonge wrote:
My comments##
Everything is In My Opinion (IMO) ONLY.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
I find it all very usefull. Thanks for the C&C!
##You need to provide a disclaimer giving
credit to the original author of Monster Rancher
(Know, interestingly enough as "Monster Farm"
in Japan)
I know. I feel so horrible. I accidentaly cut off the disclaimer when I cut and pasted this piece of garbage. Which it is. I should have labeled this a "spamfic".
Monster Rancher 2
by Coorlim
She turned to look at Suezo.
"Fuck 'em," Suezo proposed. "Lets just eat
breakfast.
##Ummm, a little harsh for Suezo. OTOH it does
get the readers attention.
I have decided that for the purposes of this fic Suezo has a very dirty mouth. Hence, I have him cursing whenever possible. Its a running gag, kinda.
"Same thing as always," Hare replied. "Potatoes.
Cheap
bastards."
"What the hell was all that about?" asked Holly.
##Errrr, while I have no objections to profanity as
such
it should, IMO, serve a purpose in the story. This
seems
rather gratuitous.
Indeed it is. The others curse occasionaly, but not as much as Suezo does. The others curse about as often as people IRL do... well, the people I know, at any rate.
"Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you dipshits?"
asked
Suezo.
##??? Again, the profanity seems to serve no purpose
and is rather jarring in context.
Its only purpose is providing the characterization for Suezo. In hindsight I should have censored it @*#!& because that's funnier.
Suezo watched Genki running with awe. "How can
that little
shitwank have so much energy from potatoes?"
"Will you quit bitching about the damn potatoes?"
Holly
yelled.
"Its not the potatoes, Suezo," Hare commented.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" demanded
Suezo.
##??? "shitwank", "bitchin", "damn" & "fuck"
errr, just a bit of overkill here. This has gotten
tiresome very quickly.
The 'shitwank' and the 'fuck' shpuld have been $^!*@^$ and $#(%, but Holly is under a lot of stress. The potato issure is something she is ALWAYS given alot of guff for, so she's entitled to vent a little.
"Why do I always have to be the Prostitute?" she
whined.
##errrr, OK. I think you're missing out on an
opportunity
for some comedy here. IMO perhaps some arguing about
using some
of the other's in that role. Put Genki in a dress,
makeup on Golem, etc.
"You just do. Now, go peddle your ass, bitch!"
screamed Suezo,
playing the roll of pimp, slapping Holly with his
tail.
Hare waited until Holly was well out of range
before jingling
the money bag. "Good. Now, off to the nudie bar!"
##Again, not very funny. Put a little more effort into
this part.
If you're going to try for an "Adult" MR take
advantage of
the possibilites. IMO this is too hastily written and
does not take
real advantage of the characters original
personalities. You've got
some great opportunities for parody and lampooning
here.
"Peddle your ass, bitch" is rather bland.
For example, instead of just sending Holly out as
a prostitute you could have them draw lots. BUT have
the game rigged. EVERY one is cheating, except Holly
(for example)
and she's the ONLY one who IS NOT chosen. You could
have
everyone else dressed up and in makeup and heels (the
thought of Golem in heels and lipstick is mind
boggling) At any rate this is not
the ONLY thing that could be done but is demonstrates
an alternative. As it stands now it's a rather boring
scene.
I agree. I like the "drawing of straws" idea. I should have used it.
Hours later the men
##men?
:p
rejoined Holly in front of the potato store.
Genki had shoved the fake mustache they had all used
to get turns
with Holly into his pants and was running around
screaming about
weasles. Holly was walking funny (because of Golem,
no doubt) and
was carrying a huge bag of potatos.
##Again, an interesting idea. But you're not showing
the reader what
happened. (I'm NOT talking about graphic sex, btw) But
the idea
of ALL of them in false mustache's is rather amusing.
You've set up
the concept, now flesh it out.
Again, a good idea.
"Well," winced Holly. "I finally saved enough
money for the
potatos."
"Fucking potatos," commented Suezo.
##OK, Now THIS is the place to use "fucking".
If you had refrained from overusing profanity earlier
this
would have been a wonderful joke.
Example::
"Fucking potatos," commented Suezo.
"NO! Not the potatoes tooooo," Holly wailed.
OR
"Fucking potatoes," commented Suezo.
"Five thousand yen," Holly said tiredly, holding out
her hand. "in advance."
Well, I think if I had not used any profanity at all UNTIL this point, and then had Suezo unexpectedly say "Fucking Potatos" that woulda been funny.
##There are a LOT of chances for humor in this
segment. (or for
eroticism if that's what you want)
"I lick all of you while you sleep," confided
Genki.
##<bleah> That's just sick. But funny.
/I/ thought so.
"I'm going to be sick," muttered Holly, sitting
down.
Hare screamed as Tiger bit off his arm.
"I'll be damned. Marshmallow," he mused.
##^_^
THE END
##Overall: rather bland. A terrible overuse of
profanity.
That itself is the jape. Not very funny, though... the use of symbols for Suezo and the mild cursing of everyone else would have been funnier.
Particularly unfortunate since it ruins a wonderful
joke
setup later on. Some cute segments and not a bad
punch line.
The overall story has possibilities but many wonderful
opportunities for real humor are lost.
There is no real "overall story". They go to town and buy potatos. This was a 5 minute job, something I whipped up while unable to sleep, found yesterday on my hard drive, and decided to post. Its a quick, slice of life kinda thing.
It made me laugh.
--== Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/ ==--
Share what you know. Learn what you don't.