Comments on comments##
Date:
Tue, 11 Apr 2000 13:30:52 -0500
From:
Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net> | Block
address
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Subject:
[FFML] [C&C] Cats Have No Tears 7
##Thanks for all the C&C. ^_^
Okay, overall comments first, since I don't expect all
the readers out
there
will want to wade through all the punctuation
corrections and such that
follow.
##But that's half the fun. <pout>
My biggest problem with this was trying to reconcile
this version of
Mousse with
the well-meaning but obsessive schmuck that I know
from the manga.
##That's what gave me the idea. In my estimation
Mousse is just
one step removed (if that much) from being a stalker.
And people who
are as divorced from reality as he is are usually
psychopaths or sociopaths.
Admittedly Ranma is a comedy. But if it were more
serious, Mousse would
need to be medicated. ^_^
Mousse's
characterization was bugging me since the start of
this. and now that I
know
where you were going with it I know why. Mousse has
always been a hero
in his
own mind, if not in fact. I can't see him callously
and deliberately
harming
innocent women to gain power. (*Accidentally* is
another matter. ^_^)
##He didn't have much trouble kidnaping Akane,
terrorizing her and threatening
to turn her into a duck. He also didn't have any
trouble chasing Ranma through
the circus, throwing cursed water-bombs and knives,
endangering several children directly.
(They would be ducks or dead via knife if Ranma hadn't
yanked them clear)
And why is
he willing to turn Shamps over to a maniac like Zhu?
Does he not like
her
anymore, and if so, why not?
##Ok, that one I sort of covered earlier. He's using
Zhu as the fall guy. He's hoping
Shan P'u will be so grateful when he (Mousse)
"rescues" her in a few months (and
so cowed after Zhu's treatment) that she will fall
into his arms.
Now, bear in mind that I missed one or two of the
middle chapters of
this
series, so maybe there were some crucial character
development scenes
that I
missed, but from what I have read I don't quite see
it.
## Mea Culpa. I was trying for a very minimalist
style. I'll try to make
up for it in the sequel.
IMO, your story needs to show either (1) everything we
knew about
Mousse was
wrong, and his personality in the manga was just an
act (in which case,
you need
to explain convincingly why he bothered, in particular
why he chose
*that*
particular role to play); or (2) that he's gone
through some changes,
perhaps
due to corrupting effects of the black magic that he
was delving into.
##I see what you are saying. I _should_ have spent
more time on Mousse.
I guess that his personality seems so repulsive to me
that I thought his
psychosis was obvious. From your comments I can see
what I need to do.
I'll elaborate in part II. (and in the revisions that
will eventually go on the web-page)
Otherwise, if he's going to be the bad guy in this, at
least let him do
it in a
way that's more Mousse-like. "I had to do it to save
you, Shampoo!"
##^_^ That's an idea. I didn't think of that. IMO,
next to Happosai, Mousse is
the most repulsive character in Ranma. He reminds be
of characters I'd run into at
the battered women's shelter or when I was an EMT.
"I love you more than anything." accompanied by
burning them with cigarets.
OR
"Please, why won't you love me." Followed by broken
bones or whipping them with an electric cord.
So, I see Mousse as a completely repulsive, degenerate
who should burn in hell.
<blink>
I guess it's not that obvious??? ^_^
OK, he needs a _wee_ bit more character developement.
Anyway. That aside, once I pretended that I didn't
know this character,
this was
quite good. A little bloody for my tastes, but not
unjustified given
the
situation. I'm a little surprised that we didn't
really get into
Akane's mind in
these last couple of parts, given that she was the
main focus in the
beginning.
##I've heard that as well. I was trying to show her
state of mind through action, since
cats aren't verbal. Oh, well. Another experiment gone
wrong.
Now please get back to "I'm a Guy." :)
## I'm TRYING. I promise. And I've gotten a little bit
done.
Comedy is HARD.
(And there's this were-wolf thing . . .and this Viking
thing, (it's surprising how
well Ranma and Viking's go togther))
But I _Promise_ I'm working on "I'm a Guy"...
(I know how it ends, so I know it's going to get
finished.) It's just those pesky details
in the middle. ^_^
<SNIP>
Shan P'u had time for one startled exclamation
as
Ranma grabbed the electrified steel in both hands
and
heaved. Onna-Ranma's mouth opened in a hoarse shriek
of
pain as the electric current twisted her spine and
the sleeves
of her shirt burst into flame.
** ZZZZZZZAP **
SATAN: So, Ranma... whizzed on the electric fence, did
you?
RAN: Shampy, you EEEEDIOT!
##ROTFLOL
<SNIP>
"Oh, Is you Nabiki." Shan P'u opened her eyes a
you,
fraction, then closed them again. Not dead then. If
she were
in hell, her feet wouldn't be cold. If she were in
heaven,
Nabiki wouldn't be there.
Shamps is a Christian? Yeah right.
##Buddhists have a hell. They've got heaven as well.
(At least Pure Land Buddhists do)
They've even got a similar joke.
<SNIP>
So now that this guy's been killed, won't "The People"
suffer said
danger? Will
Zhu's cronies, whoever they are, really believe that a
cat killed him?
##Yeah, BUT he was killed in the Chinese embassy in
JAPAN. Plausible
deniablity. After all, the Chinese can't very well
admit their guy was in
the middle of being very naughty with a girl he
kidnaped. And Shan P'u
was never there. ^_^ (neither was Ranma) Besides, Zhu
died of natural
causes. (The Chinese wouldn't want to admit their
security was so bad
they could get chewed to pieces in the middle of their
own embassy. MAJOR
loss of face.)
The twisted figure lurched through the shadows.
Moaning in pain he cursed god, the devil and all
living things.
Him too? Are there *any* non-christians in this fic?
:)
##Christians aren't the ONLY religion with god and/or
the devil(s). *_* (hey, maybe the Chinese Amazons are
one of the Lost Tribes of Israel. Now THERE'S an idea
for a fanfic.)
##Again, Thank you VERY much for the C&C.
(I'll see if I can work out the glitch in chp. 2 of
"Guy" tonight. It's minor, but it's a segue so I've
got to make it work)
Thanks.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger.
http://im.yahoo.com