Hey there! 'Tis been a while!
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Ambiguous: A Ranma 1/2 Spamfic
by Nikholas 'Mayhem' F. Toledo
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It was a rather ordinary Furinkan High school day when Ranma saw
Akane at the far end of the corridor and called out to her.
"Hey!" he said, running the last few feet. "Akane, could I talk
with you for a second?"
The question hung in the air, looking for trouble. Akane, rather
alarmed at the loudness of Ranma's voice, looked up and down the corridor
and said in a slight whisper, "Ranma, don't tell me you want to do *it*
again?"
The foremost martial artist of the Anything Goes School of Martial
Arts blushed and began squirming. "Umm... Well, I... Uh...." He sighed
and gave up phrasing it in a better way. "Yes..."
Akane was not-so-quite miffed. "Ranma," she whispered hoarsely,
"haven't you realized that we've been doing it everyday for the last
month? Aren't you the least bit tired?"
It came out as a rather loud whisper and the two of them glanced
furtively around for any eavesdroppers. Akane bit her lip and continued.
"You know, Ranma, if we keep doing this, sooner or later we'll get
caught."
There was a slight tone of worry in her voice but the look in
Ranma's eyes dispelled it. "Okay, fine..." she sighed. "Where would you
want to do it?"
"Let's do it at the park," he said.
"Ranma!" Akane cried, worried. "Don't you think that people would
see---"
"Yes, I know..." Ranma tried to dispel Akane's concerns with the
wave of his hand. "But I'm getting sick and tired of doing it in your
room, and my room, and there was this one time where we almost got in
caught doing it in Kasumi's room..."
"Well, that was your idea..." she deadpanned.
"Okay, maybe that didn't work out the way I wanted to. But there's
this shaded nook in the park were no one goes to... Believe me, I know."
Akane eyed him suspiciously. "How do you know?"
That caught Ranma off guard. "Well... You see I've been practicing
there and..."
"YOU'VE BEEN WHAT?!?" Akane absolutely didn't care if anyone else
heard them. "I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING IT AT THE PARK WITH
SOMEO---"
"I'm not doing it with someone. You know better than that..." Ranma
tried very hard not to raise his voice. "I've been practicing alone so
that next time---"
"WHAT?!?" An interdimensional mallet made its presence known. "SO
I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, IS THAT IT?!?"
"Hey, calm down, okay..." There was a pause as Ranma tried to weigh
his next words. "I've been practicing so that the next time we do it,
I'll be better..."
"Ranma..." Akane's voice came out softer, and for a brief moment in
time, nothing was said between the two of them, except for the small
grumbling sound that came from Ranma's stomach.
"Well... I gotta eat now..." Ranma said, and made a hasty exit.
"I'll see you later..."
They parted ways, first checking nearby rooms for any
eavesdroppers, and once more it was just another ordinary Furinkan High
school day.
Except for a mysterious man cloaked in shadow with a dark secret
(MMCISWADS) that fell from a nearby tree. "What the heck was that?!?"
Sasuke scratched his head.
*****
Tatewaki Kuno slammed his lunch tray. "Nabiki Tendo, I demand to
know what this infernal *it* is..."
"It is what?" Nabiki arched an eyebrow. "I can't believe that you
left a dangling sentence there. Your grammar seems to be getting worse
lately."
Kuno eyed her sullenly. "Nabiki Tendo, there doth exist a time and
place for everything. Though I will partake of your verbal jousts
sometime or other, there is an urgent need that I once more ask of your
services."
He took out several pieces of paper from inside his blue kimono.
"You have before you confidential reports of the whereabouts and what-
abouts of my blessed Akane Tendo and the scum-of-the-universe Ranma
Saotome from a few hours ago. As you can see---"
Nabiki gave him the Eye. "I see that you have been keeping tabs on
my sister. I can't believe that the high and lofty descendant of the (in-
)famous Kuno clan has been reduced to stalking."
"It is surveillance..." replied Kuno.
"It is stalking..." answered Nabiki.
"IT IS SURVEILLANCE!!!" roared Kuno. "Since the dawn of time, the
generals of mighty armies have had need of information regarding the
actions and plans of their opponents and---"
"Oh stop it, Kuno..." She slammed an audiocassette into his open
mouth. "This tape might give you all the answers you need."
"Mmphh" Kuno mouthed his thanks.
"But let me tell you this," warned Nabiki as she counted the wad of
bills that she took out from Kuno's wallet. "The answer you will get
depends on what kind of person you are..."
*****
In the quiet of the Kendo Club Dojo, Kuno popped the tape marked,
'Akane's Room: 12mn April 1st' into a handy radio. The tape went
something like this:
<sound of opening window>
Ranma: Akane, are you awake?
Akane: No, I'm very asleep right now and WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING IN
MY ROOM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!!!
Ranma: Can we please not fight? I came here to ask you a favor.
Akane (voice softer): You come here in the middle of the night to ask me
for a favor?
<pause>
Ranma: Akane, I'd like you to (mumble)
Akane: What? I didn't hear you. Can you say that again?
Ranma (grumbles): I'd like you to (louder mumble)
<shocked silence>
Akane (surprise): What?!? You're...you're asking me to do *that*?
R...Ranma, why?
Ranma: Well... Uh... You see, um...most people our age are doing it
already...and even younger... And... And I'm already pretty good at
martial arts...so I thought that I could...what's the word...diversify...
Akane: But, Ranma... Why... Why me? You know I'm not pretty good at...at
that, you know...
Ranma: Well, there's no way I'd do it with Kodachi. If I did it with
Shampoo, she might pop up some weird Chinese herb on me and Ukyo would
think that it was something special.
Akane: So if I do it with you, it won't be special...
<long pause>
Ranma: So are you going to help me or not?
Akane (sighs): Okay, fine. Let me get some stuff that we're going to
need.
<sounds of opening drawer>
Akane: I bought this book all about how to do it and there's this really
good technique on page 143.
<pause>
Ranma: Wow... This is incredible! Don't tell me that we can do...
Akane: With a lot of practice, Ranma. Don't forget, I'll be learning just
the same as you. (pause) So shall we start?
Ranma: So what do I do?
Akane (incredulous): Don't tell me you have absolutely no idea what to
do. (laugh) It's nice to be better than you at something for a change.
Ranma: Well, haha.
Akane: Okay, then. First you have to put it in the hole and then...
Ranma: You mean like this?
<small grunt>
Akane: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?
Ranma: I...I'm just following my instincts and I---
Akane: YOU HURT ME, YOU JERK! See, I'm bleeding!
Ranma: Geez, I'm sorry... I didn't mean to...
Akane: You don't go jabbing it everywhere you like! Haven't you even
glanced at the book at all? You have to maintain an even rhythm or else
you'll ruin everything. Here, let me show you... (pause) Umm... Ranma,
wouldn't it be better if we had more light?
Ranma: No way! People might see. You know what they're going to do if we
get caught...
Akane: ... You're right.
(long heavy silence)
Ranma: Hey, this is pretty nice... Why don't we---
*****
The handy radio went *WHAM* as it felt the slam of a mighty bokken.
"PHILISTINE!!!" Kuno was shaking in barely contained fury. "HOW DARE HE
USE THE PURITY OF AKANE TO CREATE A RACE OF SEMI-MEN WITH WHICH TO RULE
THE WORLD!!!"
"THAT ANIMAL!!!" Ryoga suddenly appeared to Kuno's right. "I'M
GOING TO KILL HIM!!!"
Ukyo took out the mother of all spatulas. "Not special, huh? I'LL
SHOW HIM SPECIAL!!!"
Principal Kuno took out shears. "This is a Level C violation of the
rules and guidelines of this school, yo..."
"Yeah, what he said!" yelled Mousse, who absolutely didn't care who
Ranma did it with, as long as it wasn't Shampoo, who stood beside him,
hair standing on end in fury: "SHAMPOO KEEP KILL RANMA UNTIL RANMA
DEAD!!!"
"We are behind you all the way!" screamed the members of the
defunct Akane Tendo fans club, behind the leadership of Hiroshi, who
yelled, "I WANT A PIECE OF THE ACTION, TOO!!!"
A tank suddenly crashed through the side of the Kendo Club Dojo.
Sayuri stepped out, carrying the banner of the Great Anti-Pervert Squad
Angry Militant Women's Association (Nerima Chapter). "It's time to punish
all perverts!"
"Umm..." whimpered Gosunkugi, who took out some spleen bombs.
"Didn't he say they were going to do it today at the shady nook in the
park?"
The Furinkan school body gasped in horror, almost dropping their
tongs and pitchforks and pianos. "THEY'RE GOING TO DO IT NOW?!? WE HAVE
TO STOP THEM!!!"
"We know where the shady nook is!" yelled Daisuke and Yuka.
"THEN WE SHALL ATTACK!!!" Kuno climbed above the tank and addressed
his mighty army. "ONWARD TO THE PARK!!!"
And so the students of Furinkan High marched on to the park where
they found Ranma and Akane cross-stitching.
END
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