Okay, overall comments first, since I don't expect all the readers out there
will want to wade through all the punctuation corrections and such that follow.
My biggest problem with this was trying to reconcile this version of Mousse with
the well-meaning but obsessive schmuck that I know from the manga. Mousse's
characterization was bugging me since the start of this. and now that I know
where you were going with it I know why. Mousse has always been a hero in his
own mind, if not in fact. I can't see him callously and deliberately harming
innocent women to gain power. (*Accidentally* is another matter. ^_^) And why is
he willing to turn Shamps over to a maniac like Zhu? Does he not like her
anymore, and if so, why not?
Now, bear in mind that I missed one or two of the middle chapters of this
series, so maybe there were some crucial character development scenes that I
missed, but from what I have read I don't quite see it.
IMO, your story needs to show either (1) everything we knew about Mousse was
wrong, and his personality in the manga was just an act (in which case, you need
to explain convincingly why he bothered, in particular why he chose *that*
particular role to play); or (2) that he's gone through some changes, perhaps
due to corrupting effects of the black magic that he was delving into.
Otherwise, if he's going to be the bad guy in this, at least let him do it in a
way that's more Mousse-like. "I had to do it to save you, Shampoo!"
Anyway. That aside, once I pretended that I didn't know this character, this was
quite good. A little bloody for my tastes, but not unjustified given the
situation. I'm a little surprised that we didn't really get into Akane's mind in
these last couple of parts, given that she was the main focus in the beginning.
Now please get back to "I'm a Guy." :)
- Gary
Allyn Yonge <ayonge@yahoo.com> wrote:
"I am gratified for your offer to help me gain my
bride," Zhu Liji glanced at his visitor over his cup. "but I fail
bride."
"But (caps)
"Not at all," his visitor took a sip of tea. "That you
all." His
should be so vexed by outmoded customs and the fancies of
an old woman who has outlived her time, is insupportable.
time is (don't need the comma)
"But you must allow me to do you some small favor
in return." Zhu urbanely replied.
return,"
"OK Kasumi." Giving the TV one last glance, Nabiki
"OK,
wearily pushed herself to her feet. She couldn't go on like
this, none of them could. She almost envied her father the
this; none
"May I help----"
She thought she was having a heart attack when the stun-gun
Spacing.
"How long will she stay under?" Asked suit number
one.
asked (no caps)
Cu Lon was unhappy. Mu Tsu was gone. That wasn't
tragic, in and of itself. She could always hope he'd fallen
under a train. However her medicine chest had been
However, her
Hurrying her pace toward the Tendou's Cu Lon
Tendous', (comma, and there's more than one Tendo)
Three thousand years of Amazon tradition and
several centuries of experience had given Cu Lon a
sensitivity to her surroundings that neither Shan P'u or even
nor even
"Nihao,Akane-chan." Cu Lon greeted her visitor with
"Nihao, Akane-chan,"
supreme irony. "Or do you even remember human
language?"
She considered the silent black cat for a moment.
Spacing.
"I can cure you . . .for a price. " The small cat stared
unblinkingly at the ancient Amazon. "There is nothing left of
you, is there Tendou Akane-chan? Just a small black cat with
is there,
Cu Lon backed a few paces and watched as the cat
slowly lowered it's ears and tail. Satisfied neko-Akane was
its
no threat Cu Lon went to pass by the cat. Two centuries of
threat,
Cologne's only one century old, BTW -- or at least that's what she told Ranma
and the Tendos when she first appeared.
Twisting with a cats impossible grace neko-Akane
cat's impossible grace,
A tearing pain in her right leg, so great she cried out.
Technically you ought to have a verb here... maybe 'A pain tore through her
right....'
A small black cat sat, sphinx like---- watching her.
sphinx-like
"So, not entirely a beast," Cu Lon chuckled as she
beast."
made a loop of cloth and pulled it tightly around her leg. The
flow of blood slowed to a trickle. "Very clever." She waved
a hand at the debris that had been used to cover a hole in the
ground. "A trap. So simple a child wouldn't be fooled." She
gave a sour laugh. "I am not sure what that says about me."
That you're not a child. But we knew that.
The cat lazily raised a paw to it's mouth and
its
"I believe he intends to duplicate the ceremony you
are so familiar with. Of course he needs a source of untainted
chi.
Chi that is perhaps supplied by one or two young women----
Line wrapping, and ending quote.
Cu Lon chuckled as the cat vanished like smoke. A
pity she wouldn't be there to see Mu Tsu's face when he met
neko-Akane. And they would meet, of that Cu Lon was sure.
meet; of
Shan P'u opened her eyes with a groan. She raised a
hand to her aching head only to be brought up short as she
hit the end of her chain. Twisting her head around she saw
heavy leather cuffs around her wrists connected by short
lengths of heavy chain to eye-bolts set in the wall. The
mirrored walls and ceiling showed her ankles were similarly
walls and ceiling showing her ankles
or
walls and ceiling that showed her ankles
They'd followed the uniformed man outside . . . a
brief sting from a hidden needle.Shan P'u remembered
needle. Shan
feeling the fake policeman's ribs break under her spear point
strike
. . .she'd gotten at least one more before the drugs
overwhelmed her.
Line wrapping.
We probably don't need this amount of detail if you aren't actually going to
show the scene.
Shan P'u took a deep breath, wincing as bruised ribs
protested, then let it out slowly. Another deep breath,
imagining a large golden ball of chi in the air. Inhaling, the
chi flowed inside, exhaling she pushed out all of her pain and
weakness. In a few moments her belly was filled to bursting
with a molten sunburst one more deep breath and she
sunburst. One (Or something; looks like two sentences ran together here)
Relaxing she fell slack in her chains, gasping for
Relaxing, she
"Good afternoon. I'm glad to see you are awake."
"Huh, what you thinking, steal Amazon woman?"
"Hardly stealing. You are my promised bride after
all."
*sigh* As if this guy really needed to be even more unlikeable.... What's he
gonna do next? Strangle a cute little puppy for fun while cackling "nya ha ha?"
:)
Shan P'u glared at Zhu Liji. "Who promise? When Promise?"
"Many years ago," Zhu pulled his tie free and folded
ago."
it neatly across the back of a comfortably padded chair. "the
"The
Amazon province----
"Amazon Nation!"
Shan P'u's head rocked under the force of Zhu's
casual,back-handed blow.
Paragraph spacing, and Mike Rhea syndrome (i.e. need a space after the comma.)
"It is a pity you have gone unschooled for so long.
Still," Zhu removed his coat placed it alongside his tie. "You
Still." Zhu removed
or
Still," Zhu said, removing
"Maybe Peoples Republic no steal food, Amazon no
go hungry."
"I believe I warned you about contradicting me."
SHAMPS: No, you didn't.
ZHU: You just contradicted me again!
SHAMPS: No I didn't.
ZHU: Look, this isn't an argument!
SHAMPS: Yes it is!
Zhu's voice was conversational, as he opened the leather
case. Light gleamed off an assortment of surgical steel
implements. Selecting a slender probe Zhu sat on the bed
next to Shan P'u. "There is no Amazon Nation. Only a group
of pathetic superstition ridden savages. Savages that
superstition-ridden
promised the . . .ahh . . .fruits of their labor in exchange for
food." Zhu chuckled at his own wit."
Take out the last quote mark.
"Liar. Amazon no trade children."
Zhu reached out and twisted her nipple savagely.
Frowning in displeasure when Shan P'u didn't even change
expression he continued,"I've warned you about
Space after comma.
Grasping Shan P'u's wrist in an iron grip he
delicately placed the needle tip of the probe just under her
thumb-nail. "Your people are misguided counter-
revolutionaries." Slowly Zhu slid the needle into the quick.
Other than a minuscule flaring of her nostrils Shan P'u still
nostrils, Shan
"You no get away with this." Shan P'u said ,
said, (no space before comma)
Looking bored, Zhu replaced the first blade and
selected another, this one curved ending in a sharp hook. "I
could give you a telephone this minute and it would do you
no good. You are in the embassy of the Peoples Republic.
And the staff dislike 'Amazons' only a little less than they
dislike the Japanese. I must thank you, by the way, for
providing us with that delightful bonus. Such an interesting
hair color.
Hey, no one ever notices the hair color. (Need an end quote mark, BTW.)
"Aaaaa." The involuntary reaction was startled from
Shan P'u. "Ranma! What you doing?"
I don't understand that middle sentence, or where the mention of Ranma comes
from.
"Great grand mother know . . .and Mu Tsu know.
They have friend in government. They not----
End quote.
"The old woman has outlived her time. She is living
in the past. As for Mu Tsu . . .who do you think delivered
you into my hands? He arranged to distract the old woman.
He told us where to find you AND how to arrange your
_visit_ with a minimum of fuss."
"You do something Kasumi?"
Line spacing.
Shan P'u watched as the cat nosed through Zhu's
pockets. Anxious moments later the cat appeared with a
bunch of keys in her mouth. Hopping up on the bed she
dropped the keys in Shan P'u's hands. Hampered as she was
it took over five nerve-wracking minutes . . .minutes Shan
minutes during which Shan (or something like that)
P'u expected guards to burst through the door . . .before she
freed her right arm. Second's later Shan P'u was riffling
Seconds
"Lu was bored. He was also faintly disgusted with
This doesn't seem to be dialog, so remove the quote mark.
"So stupid mans." Shan P'u muttered to the cat as
mans,"
"You do good job kitty. Shan P'u give you good
job, kitty.
"Ayyyy." Shan P'u shivered in fear. This was her
spirit
cat . . .wasn't it? She noticed the gold band circling it's neck.
Line wrapping.
circling its neck.
Involuntarily her eyes were drawn to a similar bracelet
around her wrist. Her eyes widened as she saw cracks criss-
crossing the formerly smooth surface. As she watched bits of
gold flaked off the band circling the cats neck.
cat's
"Shan P'u no read Japanese good, spirit kitty. Shan
P'u not know----
Ending quote.
A picture flashed in her mind's eye. She didn't have
to read kanji to understand this. All she had to do was
remember the newspaper Nabiki had shoved in her face. The
scrawled writing on the walls. Written in blood.
"Akane?" Shan P'u whispered. "Akane . . .you is---
Akane?"
The cat mewled agreement, softly stropping its body
around her legs.
SHAMPS: Ai YA! Dead fiancee of Ranma ALSO call Akane! What coincidence!
"Mu Tsu. Great Grandmother. They do this. Cure
Shan P'u. Curse Akane." Her eyes filled with tears. "Not
want this. Shan P'u never . . ." Drawing a deep breath Shan
P'u straightened her shoulders. "No time talk now. Find
Ranma. Find Kasumi maybe Nabiki too. Zhu say two
girls." She thought a moment. "Zhu say Mu Tsu want two
girls. Say Mu Tsu die in fire. Find Ranma first. Then ask . .
.question. Ask guard many question." She pulled the knife
from it's sheath and examined the edge. "Ask question until
its
Finding Ranma wasn't as difficult as Shan P'u feared.
They only had to follow the sounds of screaming. Bare feet
slapping against the tile floor Shan P'u sprinted down the
hall, neko-Akane at her heels. Banking off a wall like an
animate cue-ball Shan P'u managed a sharp left turn without
ball,
Shan P'u watched the petite red-head punctuate her
savage war-cry with an elbow strike to the gut of an
enormous guard in the uniform of a Chinese Commando.
The grinning guard grunted slightly but didn't release his
hold on the nude girl. Several bodies littered the floor,
testifying to the tiny girls attempts to gain her freedom. She
girl's
Startled by the soft voice the biggest guard let go his
hold and turned around. His eyes almost crossed as he found
himself looking down the muzzle of a forty five. Then he
forty-five.
noticed the pistol.
Isn't the pistol the same as the forty-five? Confused here.
Years of training caused a reflexive dis-arm
disarm (unless the arm actually got ripped off)
procedure; As his left hand slapped aside the pistol, his right
hand came down on top of Shan P'u's wrist, trapping it.
Unfortunately this left him without any hands to stop the
dagger in her other hand as it slammed through this throat,
exiting the back of his head. Stepping back a half pace Shan
pace,
P'u twisted the blade slightly, letting the dead guard slide
cleanly off her blade. Immediately she turned to help
Ranma but freed of the hampering weight of the big man
man,
"NO KILL!" Shan P'u shouted, as Ranma prepared
to send one of the still standing men to his ancestors.
Adjusting his blow downward, the heavy length of chain
between Ranma's wrists smashed the mans shoulder instead
man's
One guard, slightly removed from the rest, reached,
not for his gun but for his radio. He was depressing the
transmit button when a meat-grinder attached itself to his
arm, shredding tendons, bone and blood vessels in an
attempt to separate hand from arm. Screaming the guard
Screaming,
frantically scrambled away from the hell-beast, clutching his
ruined arm to his chest.
"CAT! C c cc aaat!" Ranma trembled uncontrollably
Line spacing.
as he saw his worst nightmare made flesh. The small cat,
blood dripping from it's muzzle, took a hesitant step
its
"NO LOOK, BAKA!" Shan P'u shook him. "Listen.
No cat. Is Akane----LOOK like cat." Deftly she manipulated
manipulated the, or manipulated a
Nabiki wriggled around till she faced the opposite
direction. Peering through the dimly lit room, crowded with
the bound forms of the staff and patrons of the "Passionate
Rose", she tried to pick out the voices owner.
Rose,"
voice's
"Thanks for the tip. I don't' want a cigarette, I want
don't
cigarette; I
a lighter----to burn through these plastic things."
There was a moments silence, punctuated by
moment's
" Tendou Nabiki. You have very nice manners,
"Tendou (remove extra space)
Hasegawasan," Nabiki quirked an eyebrow at the little man.
Hasegawa-san." (the hyphen is IMO, but you definitely need the period.)
"Yoshike is very strict." Hasegawasan replied, paling
strict,"
at the thought of his wife's displeasure.
"OK, Hasegawasan," Nabiki twisted around so her
Hasegawa-san."
bound hands were toward Hasegawa. "pile up some of this
"Pile (caps)
Hasegawa looked at the bits of paper and other trash
littering the basement floor. Shuffling and scooting he
scooting, he
Mu Tsu shuddered in exquisite agony at the power
washed over him. The young girl beneath him crumpled like
as the power washed, or at the power washing
"Oh, shut up." Ranma watched neko-Akane ricochet
off a wall, then bound up another set of stairs. Gritting his
teeth Ranma put on another burst of speed, trying to keep of
teeth, Ranma
to keep up
"Now look, you're gonna' get in ta trouble if ya just
go runnin' around like crazy. We gotta' plan----"
gotta (no ')
At the end of the corridor a steel gate blocked the
entrance to an alcove. Beyond the steel they could see
could see:
"Shan P'u. I see it was a short honeymoon." Mu Tsu
gave a mocking little bow, unconcerned about his nudity and
nudity, and
"You little bastard!" Ranma grabbed the steel gate in
both hands. There was a sharp crackling sound as Ranma
was thrown back in a shower of sparks and a stench of
ozone.
"You might want to be careful," Mu Tsu said mock
solicitously. "the mesh is electrified."
"The (caps)
Line spacing.
"Ah, Akane-chan. I owe you a great dept of
gratitude." Mu Tsu finished tracing a design down Kasumi's
SHAMPS: The Dept. of Gratitude? Their office next door! Stupid Mu!
(should be 'debt')
thigh, then turned to face the angry cat. "Actually I also owe
Shan P'u and Zhu." He grinned at neko-Akane. "It appears
that you've already paid Zhu's dept. I look forward to
debt.
"I've had enough of you, cat." Another chi blast blew
a chunk out of the floor, but neko-Akane twisted out of the
way. Another shot blasted a wall, but missed the rapidly
moving cat. Cursing Mu Tsu sent wave after wave of lethal
Cursing,
"H . . .how you get so strong." Shan P'u wiped
blood from her face and struggled to her feet, aided by a
grim faced Ranma.
grim-faced
"Council will do _nothing_. I have power now. In the
capitol MY family has influence with the central government.
And soon the council will be no more. And I will rule 'The
People'," Mu Tsu sneered the words. "as governor of a
People.'"
"As
province of the Peoples Republic."
People's
Mu Tsu shrugged. "Fine. There are plenty of other
people crowding the streets of Bejing. I'm sure it will be no
trouble to repopulate an empty province."By force if
province. By
"Really?" Mu Tsu seemed to swell, the air crackled
with energy. He pretended to check himself. "Nope, feel
fine. Oh, and by the way," Mu Tsu pulled the dagger out of
way."
Unfortunately, to remove my curse I need a single
"Unfortunately,
Mu Tsu turned, stepping between Kasumi's bound
legs just as neko-Akane launched herself between the bars of
the grating with a scream of rage. Snake-like, Mu Tsu turned
to meet this attack and learned a very important lesson;
always put your pants on before fighting a cat.
So his invulnerability doesn't extend to his genitals?
Twisting aside from Mu Tsu chi enhanced hammer-
Tsu's chi-enhanced
fist strike neko-Akane slashed open the delicate fleshy sack
strike,
between his legs, like power saw through rotten fruit.
like a power
Blood fountained from between his legs as Mu Tsu
flipped away, screaming. Landing he reached for a hidden
weapon . . .that wasn't there. The momentary hesitation, as
years of training in hidden weapons conflicted with his new
abilities, gave neko-Akane an opening. Coming off the floor
like a ballistic missile neko-Akane fastened herself to Mu
missile,
"GO! Go,go,go,go!" Nabiki screamed and shoved
another person through the window. She'd gotten almost
everyone cut loose when the world blew up. The hall had
filled with flame and smoke and the few people remaining in
the basement had retreated back the way they'd come.
Nabiki had found a small side window and started shoving
people through it to the outside. Lungs burning Nabiki
burning,
Shan P'u had time for one startled exclamation as
Ranma grabbed the electrified steel in both hands and
heaved. Onna-Ranma's mouth opened in a hoarse shriek of
pain as the electric current twisted her spine and the sleeves
of her shirt burst into flame.
** ZZZZZZZAP **
SATAN: So, Ranma... whizzed on the electric fence, did you?
RAN: Shampy, you EEEEDIOT!
Horrified Shan P'u darted forward to pull Ranma free
Horrified,
of the electrified gate just as the steel tore free of the
masonry in a shower of sparks and stone chips. Pulling
Ranma free of the gate Shan P'u ripped off the burning shirt.
Pressing two fingers against onna-Ranma's throat she was
throat,
relieved to find a pulse. Leaving Ranma for the moment Shan
moment,
P'u dashed to the cross that held Kasumi and sliced her
bonds with a few swift strokes of her dagger. Slinging
Kasumi over her shoulder Shan P'u headed out of the
shoulder,
"AKANE!" Dimly through the thickening smoke she
could see two figures still locked together. "AKANE!!! We
leave now. AKANE!!!" Orange flames burst through the
floor, illuminated the room like the fires of hell. Briefly Shan
P'u saw Mu Tsu and neko-Akane outlined in fire. As she
watched the black cat raked Mu Tsu throat with her claws,
watched, the
tearing flesh and the gold band that circled his neck. Blood
fountained from the gaping wound, soaking the small cat. A
searing pain made Shan P'u gasp and she looked down to see
the gold band on her wrist flame briefly, then vanish in a
spray of molten gold. She looked back up to see Mu Tsu and
neko-Akane rimmed in eldritch blue flames just as the floor
collapsed swallowing the two of them.
collapsed,
Shan P'u could feel the floor bubbling under her feet.
She couldn't save Akane. She probably couldn't even save
herself, or Ranma or Kasumi. Pushing aside the thought of
burning to death Shan P'u dashed blindly through the thick
death,
black smoke.
Chest burning, a wave of black rolling over her eyes
as she ran out of oxygen she hit the end of the corridor at a
oxygen,
"Shan P'u!!! Dammit you stupid Amazon. Wake up."
Damn it, you
"Oh, Is you Nabiki." Shan P'u opened her eyes a
you,
fraction, then closed them again. Not dead then. If she were
in hell, her feet wouldn't be cold. If she were in heaven,
Nabiki wouldn't be there.
Shamps is a Christian? Yeah right.
"Shan P'u." Nabiki's voice was dangerously calm.
"In about three second's I'm going to shove an ice cube in a
seconds
Wide eyed Nabiki stared at Shan P'u a moment.
Cursing she whirled and dashed out of the ambulance, calling
for police and firemen. Calling her little sisters name.
sister's
"Is good San Pu take care. Make Shan P'u feel
Shan
useful. Shan P'u like help heal. Make heart feel good."
"Very good Shan P'u. Perhaps I should have started
good,
"What did she do?" Cu Lon broke in. "A lapse in
judgment perhaps. She saw an opportunity to gain her hearts
heart's
desire. It is always easy to look at the path behind and tell
you have made a wrong turning. The path ahead is hidden.
To say which branch is correct and which leads to. . .error is
not easy or always possible. If you can always tell with
certainty I will call YOU master." Cu Lon paused, lost in
thought. "I did not come to argue with you, merely to say
goodby."
goodbye."
"Goodby?" Shan P'u looked shaken. "Great
"Goodbye?"
"I don't blame you." Cu Lon responded. "However I
was desperate to save Shan P'u. You have some idea of
what Zhu was like. I couldn't confront him openly. He was
too powerful. There was too much danger to The People. I
used you. I used Akane-sama."
So now that this guy's been killed, won't "The People" suffer said danger? Will
Zhu's cronies, whoever they are, really believe that a cat killed him?
The twisted figure lurched through the shadows.
Moaning in pain he cursed god, the devil and all living things.
Him too? Are there *any* non-christians in this fic? :)
Especially he cursed the Amazon people and two Japanese
clans. He bit back a sharp cry of pain as he slipped and
stumbled in a pile of garbage. Reflexively his right arm shot
Reflexively, his
The short, orange haired woman turned at her senior
clerks call.
clerk's
"Yes Mia-chan?"
"Yes,
"We've had another theft."
Sighing she leaned back in her chair. "What was it
Sighing,
this time?" For the past few days someone, somehow had
been pilfering from the snack machines. It didn't make much
sense she thought looking around her exclusive shop. There
sense, she thought,
"This is awful handwriting." Mia looked over her
bosses shoulder, nodding in agreement. "This looks like . . .I
. . .O . . .
I.O.U?"
Line wrapping.
"No. I think it's Ten . . . Tendai?
End quote.
************************************************
"Mama, mama." The little girl tugged urgently at her
mothers skirts. "Yes, dear." Her harried mother asked
mother's
Start a new paragraph when there's a new speaker.
wearily. "What is it?"
"Yes, dear," her... wearily, "what
"That man," the little girl pointed into the crowd on
man." The
the rail platform. "that man has a tail. A long black tail."
"That
The mother followed the girls pointing finger to see a
kumuso, one of the wandering flute playing monks,
disappearing around a corner. He was wearing a traditional
dark blue kimono and tengai. The distinctive basket hat
completely covered the figures head so that it was impossible
figure's
China first, she thought hurrying off the train toward
thought,