Latin_D wrote:
Hi!
I can't even begin to explain how grateful I�m for this wonderful piece of
C&C.
The martial artist, on the contrary, was still young, and had not
achieved so many titles yet. His only name was Ranma, his only surname,
Saotome. Like Saffron, he was proud--and arrogant, too. But unlike the
godling, he had a good heart, and thus knew how to love and forgive.
Not to be grumpily nitpicky, but this sentence sounds like the narration
of a touchy-feely children's cartoon. I'd try to word this in a way
that doesn't sound quite so... Disney. You have a nice almost fairy-tale
quality to the introduction, but IMO this detracts from the mood, rather
than adding to it.
Um... You�re probably right. I�ll rewrite this whole Ranma-introduction.
I don't think the whole intro needs a rewrite; just this sentence. The
rest of it, I think is just fine, has a good mood & flow.
artist of war. The Art was his whole life, his reason to exist. He was
the
heir of the Musabetsu Kakuto school of martial arts, and that was his
place
in the world.
Well, I feel obliged to gripe about your use of Japanese. There are, it
is true, words in the Japanese language that don't have any useful
analogues in English, but there are any number of decent translations
for "Musabetsu Kakuto" - "Anything-Goes Martial Arts" and
"Indiscriminate Grappling" being two of them. Also, technically
whenever their style is discussed, it is the "Saotome School of
Anything-Goes Martial Arts" (or your preferred translation), to contrast
with the Tendo school.
Yep, I knew this. However, I was thinking in writing the special attacks in
Japanese, so I believed Musabetsu Kakuto�d be a better choice.
I�ll change it.
In general, a good rule of thumb to follow in using Japanese is to ask
yourself (a) whether there is a good translation for the word(s) - and
it is true that sometimes there is not, or the words have been absorbed
into English - and also (b) does the use of Japanese add something
(good, natch) that English could not express? In this case, the answers
would probably be (a) yes, and (b) no, in which case you are probably
better off just using English.
I don�t know so many Japanese words (in fact, I had to look �Musabetsu
Kakuto� up in Vincent�s �Centaur�), but I�ll keep this in mind.
Please, if you don't know the Japanese, don't worry about trying to use
it! :)
Thus everybody came to believe he would always win, for, after all,
doesn't
the hero always save the damsel in distress?
No, he doesn't.
This feels out of place; there is a logical connection between the
"doesn't the hero always win" and the Saffron introduction, and this
change of direction disrupts it.
Um... I don�t know what you meant with this. You�re saying the sentence �No,
he doesn't� disrupts the flow? If that�s the case, I just wanted to give the
readers a rest between the heavy narration.
Besides, I kind of like it myself.
If you didn�t mean that, please explain it to me again. Sorry.
Okay, what I'm trying to say is that the way this is written, it goes
something like this (paraphrased):
A -- Doesn't the hero always win? (rhetorical)
B -- No, he doesn't (negative answer)
C -- SO, when Saffron came, everyone thought it would be okay.
Sentence C logically follows sentence A (The hero always wins, so when
Saffron came, everyone thought it would be okay.) However, with
sentence B in there, the logic of this connection is disrupted. (The
hero doesn't a;ways win, so when Saffron came, everyone thought it would
be okay?)
You don't have to take out the sentence to fix it; nothing wrong with
the sentence itself. What you do need to do is keep the narrative logic
flowing properly. If you keep in the "No, he doesn't," then sentence C
needs to be changed to logically follow sentence B. Try replacing the
"so" with a "but."
So, when Saffron came and told Ranma his fianc�e would die if he
didn't
defeat him, everyone couldn't help but think: 'There is nothing to worry
about. Ranma will win once again, and Akane will be safe,' and they were
both wrong and right
veins, filling his heart, his lungs, his whole being. In that moment, he
was
a god. He was able to jump over tall hills with a single mighty leap; he
^^^^^^^^^^
Not only does this sound like a Superman blurb, it also doesn't sound
too impressive. I'm sure you can find something more awe-inspiring for
him to jump over than some tall hills.
Over tall... mountains? ^_^
I�ll think of something.
Please do :)
met death for the first time in centuries.
You change subject there from Ranma to "the godling," making the grammar
a little shaky; I would keep it all with Ranma as the subject i.e.
"...with a blast of raw energy...he sent the godling to his death, for
the first time in centuries.
Aha. Didn�t see that one.
You are _good_ at this!
Thank you. I get lots of practice, with a husband who writes faster
than some people read... :)
unbearable. He had no idea how Hell was, but he was pretty sure those
winged
^^^^^^^^^^^^ "what Hell was like"
I see it now... through my fresh tears. ^_^
Did'nt mean to make you cry... :{
torturers lived there. Only that idiot Oyaji could call that a training
^^^^^ ^^^^ this
I thought you had to use �that� instead of �this� when in past tense. I�ll
check it up.
I don't think so... it's more a question of point of view, and out
current point of view is Ranma in the middle of the forest...
boat,' he had said. The nerve of that guy. Like if there was anyone in
that
island forgotten by the gods.
"Like there was anyone else on that island..."
Really? I�ll have to trust in you... ^_^
Oh, please do... :) You could also say "like anyone else was going to
come to that island..."
The way this last paragraph is written, it shifts the POV from
past-Ranma (grumpy about the mosquitoes and Genma) to
present/future-Ranma (reminiscing about how Akane was always by his side
and how blind he had been) - it's quite confusing. Basically, you need
to make a decision as to how you want to approach your flashbacks. You
can do them as if they are the "present," sticking close to the thoughts
and feelings of the characters _at that time_, or you can write it as a
memory, with the impressions being those of the present/future Ranma
looking back. If you pick one and stick with it, it will keep things
cleaner.
I myself would lean towards the latter; it allows for more candid
observations of what's going on, relates it to the main storyline
better, and will also help to smooth the transitions between the
flashbacks and the main storyline, which tend to be a bit choppy. In
this case, the main thing to do would be to go back and change verb
tenses from past ("was" "were" "did") to past perfect ("had been" "had
done") But, to take the last paragraph as an example, it would end up
something like this:
"But Ranma had not been alone. Akane had come with him. Always by
his side, in every battle, in the saddest moments. Of course, he hadn't
appreciated it then, not at all. He had called her a nuisance, told her
to leave him alone. Yet she had stayed and taken care of him. How
could he have been so blind?"
_Big_ oops.
I see what you mean. I had seen the problem, but I couldn�t find the way to
fix it. Too close, maybe. Unexperienced, probably. ^_^
I�ll do as you say, as that�s how I had intented in the first place.
Somewhere along the way, I changed.
Don't stress; it's something extremely difficult to do to begin with,
and there are plenty of published authors who haven't mastered the
concept...
How peaceful it was here! That was what he loved about this city.
Since
The transition here feels very abrupt, and for a moment I was confused
as to which "here" it was. You are probably better off starting the
scene with a statement that more firmly grounds the reader in the place
and time, than with such a general statement.
That was intentional, actually. I wanted the reader to aske himself what the
heck Ranma was talking about. Didn�t work for you, so I�ll add some
reference to Macross.
Good idea. Confusing the reader is generally not good; leading him
along with hints and innuendos can be fun, though...
Well, he was tired now. Tired of all the craziness. He just
wanted--needed--calm. Some quite place for resting and thinking. For
deciding what to do with his life. Maybe after he got rid of those
flowers
Um... what flowers?
Ah, I�d tell you, but then I�d have to shoot you. ^_^
Sorry, my hubby has dibs...
Just wait and see (read).
And make plans for what? That sentence needs more as well, even if it's
just to tack on "for the future."
I thought it was obvious. I was wrong.
I�ll rewrite it.
Well, I could tell what you meant, but it still didn't sound right.
REally.
---
Dead tired. That was how they were feeling after three days of
constant
Very awkward transition. I would cut this out and paste it back in at
the beginning of the next flashback; the sight of the ship is a better
catalyst for a flashback, and this disrupts the flow of the story. You
could also put it and the end of the last flashback. Try to space your
flashbacks out a bit more, keep us in one time-continuity for a
reasonable period of time before switching around - that last scene was
only three paragraphs!
Will see about taking this bit to the
About the lenght of the flashbacks... Well, I was trying to keep an even
distribution between them and the �present� scenes. I thought it�d look
good.
Guess not. ^_^
Well, an even size is good, but giving the reader vertigo is not so
good.
Another way to combat this would be to simply out more stuff in each
scene, so they're longer to begin with.
comfortable with each other's presence. It was incredible how well they
fared when there were no fianc�es or enemies to keep them apart. Yes,
incredible. After some time, they stopped talking and just lay down over
the
^^^^ on
...on the grass? Okay.
Really! Unless they're floating above the grass...
that seemed to start in the sun, as if a piece of the star had decided
to
meet the Earth at last. Ranma stared mesmerized for some minutes, his
former
Minutes? Most shooting stars are only visible for seconds, and wouldn't
be visible at all during the day. Something large and bright enough to
be seen during daylight, especially right next to the sun, would be very
strange indeed, and I can't buy the casual conversation that follows
because of this. This part needs definite work.
It needs work indeed.
But you should know this wasn�t a shooting star. It actually was... the
SDF-1! Of course, they didn�t know this.
If shooting stars only last for seconds is because they are quickly
disintegrated by the Earth�s atmosphere. Of course, the SDF-1 wouldn�t be so
easily dealt with.
About the conversation, well... I�ll come up with something.
Hm... I guess my beef wasn't with the description, but with Ranma and
Akane going on as if NOTHING WAS STRANGE about a "shooting star" that
was visible for minutes in the daytime, right next to the sun. They
have at least as much knowledge as the average teenager, and the average
teenager would be freaking out, IMHO. (*I* would have...)
Ranma stopped rummaging through his brown leather backpack and
resumed
walking. He looked at the photograph he was now holding in his hand. It
Awkwardly structured. It feels like Ranma rummaged in his backpack
fruitlessly, started walking, then suddenly a photograph magically
appeared in his hand for him to look at. There's a logical connection
between the events; exploit it.
Okay. I�ll rewrite this bit.
showed a young man in his thirties, dressed in an immaculate sailor
suit. He
was wearing extremely polished knee-high boots, and had so many medals
in
his shirt it seemed impossible to find place to hang a new one. He also
had
^^^^
not necessary
What do you mean?
The "also" really doesn't need to be there in the description. His dark
hair is a descriptive characteristic, not an item on an inventory; the
sentence can do without the "also", and really should.
dark hair, and the beginnings of a moustache were evident. The man was
smiling and waving to the camera, while in the background a gray warship
appeared about to leave, a frantic activity evident in the port. Looking
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This makes no sense to me whatsoever...
A frantic activity in the port? Why?
You know how it is, sailors everywhere, lots of things being loaded in the
ship. Why doesn�t it make sense?
That there was frantic activity in the port makes sense to me. The way
it is worded doesn't. You could say "... a gray warship appeared about
to leave, from the frantic activity surrounding it." and it would make
much more sense :)
closely, Ranma discovered a Russian flag painted in the ship's hull.
Is this the first time he's looked closely at the picture? A bit fishy
to me... Replace "discovered" with "could see"
Well... I was trying to say he hadn�t _really_ looked at the picture.
In that case, add something to make it clear that he *hasn't* looked too
closely before, like " ... Ranma doscovered a Russian flag painted on
the ship's hull, something he'd never noticed before." :P
Will see.
Mom said Uncle G'd be waiting for me. I hope he remembers me,
thought
Ranma while putting the photo in his pocket. After all, he himself
barely
remembered the man. He hadn't seen Uncle G since he was a little boy,
before
going in the infamous ten-year-long training trip. How was he going to
recognize him? All he had was an old photo, and it was twenty years old!
... oh yeah, and that letter, and the invitation...
But he couln't recognize him through a letter or an invitation. They didn�t
have drawings! :-b
But he *had* them, didn't he? ;P
Bah!
Humbug!
Bah! ^_^
Baa! Black sheep! Have you any wool?
He was
sure the entire city of Macross could fit inside. And it wasn't just
big, it
also looked powerful. It seemed this single ship could take on an entire
army without even trying. He didn't remember it being so imposing. Of
course, it was a broken and burnt wreck the last time...
^^^ had been
Right. Would you believe me if I said my little brother changed all the
tenses?
Nope.
---
Nothing knew Ranma then about the Super Dimensional Fortress One, or
"Ranma knew nothing..." The reversed object-verb-subject structure can
work in some cases, but this isn't one of them...
...as I have already been told. >_<
Tip for you, writers: When two people agree, go and change it quickly. ^_^
about the importance its arrival would have for the human race. In that
ever
so short moment when the alien ship--after three rather catastrophic
ever-so-short
Yep.
complete orbits around the globe--decided to make its presence known,
all he
could think of was to get Akane as far away from it as possible... and
fast.
What hapened with Ranma and Akane during those three orbits? (And is
that even possible? Where's Gary?)
The SDF-1 was going FAST. ^_^
... but it took minutes to cross the sky?
Yes, I think it�s possible. After all, if the SDF-1 had crashed in a direct
fall over Macross, then it wouldn�t have produced a �catastrophe�.
Okay. I haven't had physics for more than ten years now.
The collision was deafening. So
much so, that Ranma was stunned by it, and thus didn�t react at first
when a
tree was sent flying through the air in his direction. Luckily, as
always he
^ when
Where would this go?
Sorry. "As always, when he was in danger."
interested in war machines such as those, Ranma had seen quite a lot of
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
unnecessary
I was trying to emphasize that Ranma had no interest in war. Will rewrite.
WEll, it's still unnecessary; the connection to the \veritechs is strong
enough to begin with.
Use some sort of punctuation to set off quoted thoughts - in real print,
you could use italics, but it's not possible in ASCII
I�ll have to disagree in this. In C&C sent to the FFML, many experienced
writes advice to don�t use quotes for thoughts. At least, that�s how I
interpreted their words. Can anyone tell me which�s the right way?
REally, there is no "right way." The reason I was suggesting it is that
you tend to have paragraphs that are almost entirely quoted thoughts,
and sometimes several sentences before the "Ranma thought" or other
indicator. It makes for very shaky reading; one doesn't really *know*
that it's a thought until we're told, and several of the sentences read
as though they are paraphrased thoughts written with the wrong verb
tense... :P
to argue with her, not that day, so he wisely kept his mouth shut. After
asking Genma--who was still cowering behind the boulder, shaking like a
leaf
in the middle of a hurricane--to prepare the boat so they could quickly
leave if something went wrong, they headed to the ship.
Why is Genma even in this flashback? You keep mentioning him in
afterthoughts. Give him some part, however, small, in the conversations
and situations. REpulsive though it is, he does have a personality
byond just cowering.
He DOES?! ^_^
Okay, but you have to recognize he IS a coward. I don�t see him going to
explore the ship, for example.
Oh, he can still cower. Just make him cower with *personality* :P
artist as he gazed at the small wooden sentry box behind the tall wire
fence. About a dozen soldiers stood next to it, all of them with very
^^^^
unnecessary
Maybe, but why? It�s not like I have too much description, ne? ^_^
True, but if you need more description "very" is not the word to use;
it's blase'.
Um... weren't all the trees destroyed by the ship's landing? And how
can there be anything left of their campsite? If you need to get Akane
off by herself for a while, let's at least be consistent with what's
already happened.
Um... Well, I said all the trees �sorrounding the SDF-1� had been
devastated, and they are in the coast at the moment.
They left the tent in a hurry because the SDF-1 was going to crash near it,
but I never said their camp was destroyed. I�ll make it clearer.
Please do...
As he stood up, he was able to hear loud alarms going off in the
city.
^^^^^^^^^^^ could
What�s wrong with �was able�?
"Was able" implies that the action is (a) active, and (b) something
which might not be possible to do. If Ranma was straining to hear
something, you could use "was able" but since he seems to be just
hearing it passively, "could" works better.
Hi, people. This is my first fic, so I don�t want C&C, I _need_ C&C. Any
kind: private, public, short, extensive, whatever. Please. And be blunt,
I
really wish to improve my writing skills.
Well, to be blunt, they do need some improvement. You have a tendency
to use the wrong prepositions, to replace "though" with "when", and to
reverse sentence structure for no apparent meaning. I think I caught
most of the problem areas.
Most being the key word. ^_^
Blunt I wanted, blunt I received. Thanks.
However, you do have a generally clean style, and some really nice
descriptive scenes. Dialogue is good, if used too sparingly.
Thanks. ^_^
Things to work on:
Structure: The fic has a lot of good scenes, but they are connected in
a very confusing way. I would condense some of the flashbacks together,
so that we're not switching scene quite as much. Also, while the
Saffron introduction is cool, it feels out of place -
Ah, but I need that introduction to explain the background of the story.
Oh, no, I wasn't saying to cut it out! I just think it needs to be
related to the main storyline more clearly, so that we know how it fits
into the grand scheme of things. This can be fixed by having some sort
of reference to the events in a Ranma-of-the-present scene. It's good
stuff, but its relationship to the story is too vague.
the "present"
Ranma never even seems to think about Akane, and the reader is left
wondering what the heck is going on. I even spent some time under the
impression that the entire crossover was just the dream Ranma had after
Akane's death. You need to make more cohesive connections between the
various time periods you are dealing with, and do it in a way that the
story will flow naturally for the reader. What you're doing here is
actually very difficult to do well, and you've taken a good stab at it,
but it needs cleaning up.
Well, I�ll work in that. Hopefully, the connection will be clearer in the
revision.
POV: Point of View is a powerful tool when used right, and I think you
need to be conscious of it. Some scenes cry out for an intimate
point-of-view, and are treated distantly; other scenes scream to be
summed up distantly, and are treated in intimate detail (such as the
Ranma-thinks-for-eight-paragraphs scenes). Reread the story with an eye
for this, and see what you can do.
I�ll do my best.
Spelling/Grammar: Bunches of mistakes. Watch for those prepositions!
And articles - there can be a big difference between "a backpack" "the
backpack" and "her backpack" :)
*bows his head in shame* Sorry about that. I didn�t have prereaders and
sometimes it gets tiresome to re-read your own work.
Tell me about it! But that's what the FFML is for! No need to be
ashamed.
Now that I've torn into your work (though with the friendliest of
attitudes, I assure you)
And I have to thank you for it. This is exactly what I needed.
I would simply like to say that I am looking
forward to more of this. Robotech has always been dear to me, and you
have a compelling premise for a story here - and I would have said a
crossover would be impossible, myself. Trust me, I don't put this much
effort into C&C for something I don't like - there's too much good stuff
out there :)
I agree with you in this last bit.
This is very important to me. I never thought someone would care to send
excellent, public C&C such as this (well, I expected it from Morgan, but
from no one else). I owe you a big time.
I�ll work hard and try to make this story a better one. Thanks, thanks,
thank you very much.
You are so very welcome. Don't stress over what went wrong; take a few
days off, then read through it again, and you'll find it easier to find
your own errors. Another thing you can try, which I've used with some
success, is to read the story out loud, sentence by sentence. You can
also try going through it backwards, one sentence at a time. You get
less absorbed in it that way. I like to give a story a week or so
without looking at it, then go through with a higlighter and just mark
any sentence that I think needs work, without trying to fix it yet, then
going through still later and working on one bit at a time... I look
forward to seeing the revision :)
Bridget
--
"I choose you - PIKASPEW!!!"
Jamie to 2 month old daughter Madeline,
shortly after being spat up upon...
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Bridget and Jamie Wilde!
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http://www.psn.net/~wildeman/