Latin_D wrote:
Since the Beginning of Time, infinite battles have been fought. Some
were petty, other ones, heroic. But only a few could be compared to the one
^ use a semi-colon here, it would be cleaner
held between a misguided godling and a young martial artist, in times when
magic had been almost forgotten, and true warriors were rare.
The godling was ancient, for he was immortal, and thus had lived for
millennia upon millennia. In the course of the years, he had been given many
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This sounds awkward; try "In the course of his years"
names: some called him the Master of Fire, for his true form was that of an
eternal flame; to others he was the Traveler of the Air, for with his strong
wings he could reach the highest clouds; and he was also named the Phoenix
King, for he was the ruler of the bird-people; but he called himself simply
Saffron. He was powerful, and wise in the ways of fighting. But he let his
pride and anger control his actions, and because of this he grew irritable,
and started hating humans. Some believed him foolish, many thought he was
evil.
The martial artist, on the contrary, was still young, and had not
achieved so many titles yet. His only name was Ranma, his only surname,
Saotome. Like Saffron, he was proud--and arrogant, too. But unlike the
godling, he had a good heart, and thus knew how to love and forgive.
Not to be grumpily nitpicky, but this sentence sounds like the narration
of a touchy-feely children's cartoon. I'd try to word this in a way
that doesn't sound quite so... Disney. You have a nice almost fairy-tale
quality to the introduction, but IMO this detracts from the mood, rather
than adding to it.
He had
enemies, it is true, but he had more friends than enemies. From the day he
started crawling, he was taught the Art. And as the years passed by, he
became strong, agile, skilful in the martial arts: the perfect warrior, an
artist of war. The Art was his whole life, his reason to exist. He was the
heir of the Musabetsu Kakuto school of martial arts, and that was his place
in the world.
Well, I feel obliged to gripe about your use of Japanese. There are, it
is true, words in the Japanese language that don't have any useful
analogues in English, but there are any number of decent translations
for "Musabetsu Kakuto" - "Anything-Goes Martial Arts" and
"Indiscriminate Grappling" being two of them. Also, technically
whenever their style is discussed, it is the "Saotome School of
Anything-Goes Martial Arts" (or your preferred translation), to contrast
with the Tendo school.
In general, a good rule of thumb to follow in using Japanese is to ask
yourself (a) whether there is a good translation for the word(s) - and
it is true that sometimes there is not, or the words have been absorbed
into English - and also (b) does the use of Japanese add something
(good, natch) that English could not express? In this case, the answers
would probably be (a) yes, and (b) no, in which case you are probably
better off just using English.
A certain day, he met Akane, the daughter of one master of Musabetsu
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"On a certain day" would be less clumsy; I would stress that it is
_another_ master of Anything-Goes Martial Arts (see above)
Kakuto, and got engaged--through an arrangement of their parents. And
despite all their differences, and their constant bickering, and all the
people who wanted to see them separated, and all the people who wanted to
see them together, and the problems, and his reluctance to admit it, he fell
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is a vague generalization that seems to include everything else
you've listed, and so seems out of place. The long list of problems is
a stylistic touch I like, so I would replace "and the problems" with
another specific problem or two.
in love with her. Then, everything changed.
For, even when the Art was still a big part of who he was, and who he
^^^^ though
wanted to be, it didn't seem so important when compared to Akane: taking
care of her became his reason to exist, for _she_ was his whole life now.
His place in the world was right next to her, and he would have died for
her. Or killed.
In many opportunities Akane was kidnapped, or endangered somehow, and
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"On many occasions"
every single time Ranma fought harder than ever before, and rescued her.
Thus everybody came to believe he would always win, for, after all, doesn't
the hero always save the damsel in distress?
No, he doesn't.
This feels out of place; there is a logical connection between the
"doesn't the hero always win" and the Saffron introduction, and this
change of direction disrupts it.
So, when Saffron came and told Ranma his fianc�e would die if he didn't
defeat him, everyone couldn't help but think: 'There is nothing to worry
about. Ranma will win once again, and Akane will be safe,' and they were
both wrong and right
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
right and wrong
Seconds became minutes, and minutes hours, but however hard Ranma tried,
he couldn't overcome his opponent. Yet Ranma knew time was crucial, and it
was quickly running out. He would have to go all out, even if there was the
danger to kill his enemy.
^^^^^^^
of killing
To kill in cold blood... Skilled in the martial arts as he was, never
before had he been forced to kill. There had always been another option, a
way out. Not this time. Could he really do it? And so deeply he loved Akane
^^^^^^^^
"did he love" would work better.
that there was only one answer: yes.
Thus he called for his innermost power, one he had forbidden himself to
use. One that promised hunger and thirst--and many nightmares. An energy the
like of which had never before been seen by human eyes ran through his
veins, filling his heart, his lungs, his whole being. In that moment, he was
a god. He was able to jump over tall hills with a single mighty leap; he
^^^^^^^^^^
Not only does this sound like a Superman blurb, it also doesn't sound
too impressive. I'm sure you can find something more awe-inspiring for
him to jump over than some tall hills.
could easily obliterate entire mountains, overthrow governments. He could do
anything he wished, no one could stop him--and that scared him. Seeing
Saffron moving towards him,
I think you need to stress that Saffron's moving towards Ranma was the
catalyst that forced him to overcome his fear of his own power and act -
add a "But" before "seeing"
he waited no more, and with a blast of raw
energy, so pure and white as snow and bright as a young star, the godling
^^ as
met death for the first time in centuries.
You change subject there from Ranma to "the godling," making the grammar
a little shaky; I would keep it all with Ranma as the subject i.e.
"...with a blast of raw energy...he sent the godling to his death, for
the first time in centuries.
Ranma hurried to his love's side and held her gently in his arms,
calling her. But it was too late. No matter how loud he shouted her name,
she wouldn't wake up. So he cried for hours, and when he had no more tears
to pour, he simply died. In mind and spirit, he died. And he was sure his
body would follow soon. Everything had been taken from him: he had no goal,
no hopes, no future. Surrendering to his grief, he lay down on the grass to
wait for the End.
I like this paragraph.
But Destiny, that mysterious master, had other plans for him, and would
not let his life go to waste. So the martial artist fell asleep, and
dreamed. He dreamed about the Past, and the Future; about things that had
already been, and things that might be; and about a War, and his place in
it. When he woke up, he was still sad, but he was also alive. He had found a
reason to live.
---
DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 belongs to the brilliant Takahashi Rumiko. Robotech is
owned by Harmony Gold USA, Inc. No copyright infringement is intended.
___________________________________
Silent Battles, Deaf Victories
A Ranma 1/2 / Robotech crossover
by Latin_D (latin_d@uol.com.ar)
___________________________________
Chapter 1: Crossroads
Ranma walked slowly through the streets of Macross, enjoying the
comforting warmth the shining sun was giving him.
A bit too circuitous; you are probably better off just saying "the
comforting warmth of the shining sun"
His eyes were closed, his
senses outstretched to their limits so he could feel every single thing
happening around him, no matter how trivial it seemed to be: the gentlest
breeze, the tiniest leaf shaking in the trees, the almost non-existent sound
he made while walking, the hardness of the lamp post against his
cheekbone...
Ranma picked himself up from the floor staring all the time at the now
^^^^^
"street" or "pavement" or "sidewalk"; a floor would be in a house
demolished obstacle. He couldn't believe he had been so engrossed in the
beauty of the day as to drop his defenses. How could he be such an idiot?
Constant awareness was the only reason he had survived the harsh years that
followed his departure from Nerima. And as always he thought of his former
^ when
home, memories of better times flooded his mind.
---
The forest seemed endless. The air was so hot and oppressive that they
were having trouble breathing. They had already been walking for hours, and
all they could see in every direction were trees. Well, that's not entirely
^^^^^^^^^^
"that wasn't"
true. There were trees, bushes, weeds, climbers and more trees. And insects,
lots of them. Clouds of tireless mosquitoes surrounded and followed them, no
matter what they tried to do to repel the irritating bugs. It was
unbearable. He had no idea how Hell was, but he was pretty sure those winged
^^^^^^^^^^^^ "what Hell was like"
torturers lived there. Only that idiot Oyaji could call that a training
^^^^^ ^^^^ this
see my earlier comments on "musabetsu kakuto"
ground. They couldn't even find a clearing to set camping! Where were they
^^^^^^^^^^^
set up camp
supposed to train? If his idiotic father had just been there, he would have
made him know how pleased he was with his choice. But, of course, the old
^^^^^^^^
let him
man has stayed in the shore, fresh and comfortable. 'Taking care of the
^^^ had ^^ on
boat,' he had said. The nerve of that guy. Like if there was anyone in that
island forgotten by the gods.
"Like there was anyone else on that island..."
But he was not alone. Akane had come with him. Always by his side, in
^^
Use "Ranma" here, this implies that Genma was not alone etc.
every battle, in the saddest moments. Of course, he didn't appreciate it
then, not at all. He called her a nuisance, he told her to live him alone.
^^^^ leave
Yet, she stayed and took care of him. How could he be so blind?
The way this last paragraph is written, it shifts the POV from
past-Ranma (grumpy about the mosquitoes and Genma) to
present/future-Ranma (reminiscing about how Akane was always by his side
and how blind he had been) - it's quite confusing. Basically, you need
to make a decision as to how you want to approach your flashbacks. You
can do them as if they are the "present," sticking close to the thoughts
and feelings of the characters _at that time_, or you can write it as a
memory, with the impressions being those of the present/future Ranma
looking back. If you pick one and stick with it, it will keep things
cleaner.
I myself would lean towards the latter; it allows for more candid
observations of what's going on, relates it to the main storyline
better, and will also help to smooth the transitions between the
flashbacks and the main storyline, which tend to be a bit choppy. In
this case, the main thing to do would be to go back and change verb
tenses from past ("was" "were" "did") to past perfect ("had been" "had
done") But, to take the last paragraph as an example, it would end up
something like this:
"But Ranma had not been alone. Akane had come with him. Always by
his side, in every battle, in the saddest moments. Of course, he hadn't
appreciated it then, not at all. He had called her a nuisance, told her
to leave him alone. Yet she had stayed and taken care of him. How
could he have been so blind?"
---
How peaceful it was here! That was what he loved about this city. Since
The transition here feels very abrupt, and for a moment I was confused
as to which "here" it was. You are probably better off starting the
scene with a statement that more firmly grounds the reader in the place
and time, than with such a general statement.
he was a little innocent kid, his life had been all rush and excitement:
training all the time, always fighting for his life and, of course, the
occasional curse, potion or spice...
Pit a comma between "life, and" or it sounds like he was fighting for
not only his life but also the occasional curse, potion, or spice. :)
Well, he was tired now. Tired of all the craziness. He just
wanted--needed--calm. Some quite place for resting and thinking. For
deciding what to do with his life. Maybe after he got rid of those flowers
Um... what flowers?
he could stay in Macross. And he could open a dojo of his own. Yes! And then
he could find Ryoga and together they would finish with those damned amazons
once and for all. And...
This alludes to a mysterious past feud with the amazons, which isn't
very clear; if there is some past event with the amazons that will come
up later in the story, you need to either give us more information now
or leave it for later entirely. AS it is, this feels like it's just
thrown out for no real reason.
He stopped himself with determination. This was not the time nor the
^^^ neither
place to daydream. He had to be patient. First he was going to do what he
had gone to that island for. Then he would make plans.
"had come to the island for"
And make plans for what? That sentence needs more as well, even if it's
just to tack on "for the future."
---
Dead tired. That was how they were feeling after three days of constant
Very awkward transition. I would cut this out and paste it back in at
the beginning of the next flashback; the sight of the ship is a better
catalyst for a flashback, and this disrupts the flow of the story. You
could also put it and the end of the last flashback. Try to space your
flashbacks out a bit more, keep us in one time-continuity for a
reasonable period of time before switching around - that last scene was
only three paragraphs!
work-out. The sun was beginning to show its bright face in the East, but
Oyaji was still asleep in his tent, exhausted even when he had only sparred
^^^^ though
for a few hours. He was definitely getting old. Resting next to the
campfire, Akane and him were talking about nothing, chit-chatting, both
^^^ he
comfortable with each other's presence. It was incredible how well they
fared when there were no fianc�es or enemies to keep them apart. Yes,
incredible. After some time, they stopped talking and just lay down over the
^^^^ on
grass side by side, gazing at the sun.
...until they lost their eyesight... :P Very few people actually gaze
at the sun itself; it's too bright. There's plenty of trees and clouds
and such that they are more likely to be gazing at.
They even held hands for a while.
Seeing her there, so perfect and beautiful under the sunlight, so relaxed
and full with peace, made Ranma realize the moment had arrived. It was
finally the right and perfect time to confess his feelings for her. Well...
It might be. At least, he thought so.
He was about to start with the always difficult task of talking to Akane
"start the always-difficult task"
without putting his foot in his mouth, when she suddenly called him out.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"called out to him," unless she was planning on challenging him to a
duel... And if she's right next to him, she probably wouldn't "call out"
in the first place, it implies some distance between them.
"Ranma, look! In the sky, it's a falling star!"
And indeed, as soon as he looked up, he caught sight of a glowing point
flying swiftly though the sky. It was leaving behind a shining path of fire
that seemed to start in the sun, as if a piece of the star had decided to
meet the Earth at last. Ranma stared mesmerized for some minutes, his former
Minutes? Most shooting stars are only visible for seconds, and wouldn't
be visible at all during the day. Something large and bright enough to
be seen during daylight, especially right next to the sun, would be very
strange indeed, and I can't buy the casual conversation that follows
because of this. This part needs definite work.
intentions forgotten for the time being. He used to look at the stars for
hours when he was living in the road with his father, but he had never seen
anything like that.
That's something he would have loved to do: travel through the space,
see the galaxy--like an astronaut. Ha! Could you imagine that? Ranma
Saotome: the astronaut. Ryoga would laugh for a whole hour if I told this to
him, thought Ranma, shaking his head. Soon, the falling star was out of
sight, hidden behind the horizon.
"You should ask for a wish, Ranma. They say it always comes true," said
Akane with that caring, warm voice he would always remember as hers in
later years.
"Eh... Okay." He already knew what his wish was going to be: he wanted
to be the best martial artist in the world. That would be great. No, wait!
He also needed a cure for his curse. What was the use of being the best if
you are only a half-man? Besides, I _already_ am the best, Ranma thought, a
cocky grin in his lips. However... Well, he wished Akane and him could be
together. He had finally come to an agreement with his own feelings. He was
enlo--he had feelings for the tomboy, there was no denying it. All other
engagements be damned, he would face the consequences. Now, if he could tell
that to her...
He was taken out of his reverie when the island started shaking.
---
Ranma stopped rummaging through his brown leather backpack and resumed
walking. He looked at the photograph he was now holding in his hand. It
Awkwardly structured. It feels like Ranma rummaged in his backpack
fruitlessly, started walking, then suddenly a photograph magically
appeared in his hand for him to look at. There's a logical connection
between the events; exploit it.
showed a young man in his thirties, dressed in an immaculate sailor suit. He
was wearing extremely polished knee-high boots, and had so many medals in
his shirt it seemed impossible to find place to hang a new one. He also had
^^^^
not necessary
dark hair, and the beginnings of a moustache were evident. The man was
smiling and waving to the camera, while in the background a gray warship
appeared about to leave, a frantic activity evident in the port. Looking
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This makes no sense to me whatsoever...
closely, Ranma discovered a Russian flag painted in the ship's hull.
Is this the first time he's looked closely at the picture? A bit fishy
to me... Replace "discovered" with "could see"
Mom said Uncle G'd be waiting for me. I hope he remembers me, thought
Ranma while putting the photo in his pocket. After all, he himself barely
remembered the man. He hadn't seen Uncle G since he was a little boy, before
going in the infamous ten-year-long training trip. How was he going to
recognize him? All he had was an old photo, and it was twenty years old!
... oh yeah, and that letter, and the invitation...
Bah!
Humbug!
It didn't matter. Luck had been on his side for the first time in
^^^^^^^^ was
long, never-ending years. An uncle working in the monstrosity, it was almost
^^^^^^^^^^^
This just doesn't feel right; we haven't yet read Ranma's up-close
experience with the ship, so we don't know where his personal opinion is
coming from - and for that matter, this is the first direct mention of
the SDF-1 in the entire fic. Use "ship" or, since it should be printed
on his invitation, "the SDF-1"
too much to believe. He just hoped he had an important position--he really
needed to get inside that ship.
He was slowly but steadily approaching the airshow. Many people walked
^^^^^^
"were walking in the same direction"
in his same direction, all laughing and chatting. It wasn't strange, a
beautiful day and a free show use to put you in a good mood.
This sentence is practically incomprehensible. Who is saying it isn't
strange? Ranma? The omniscient narrator? Who is the "you"? Here's a
possible rewrite based on what I *think* you mean:
"He supposed it wasn't strange they were in a good mood, with a free
show on such a beautiful day."
He could see the spaceship in more detail now. It was amazing! One thing
struck him the most in that, the second time he saw it: its sheer size. Man,
it's huge! Ranma couldn't help but think at the impressive sight.
Very awkward. How about: "This was the second time he had seen it, and
the one thing that struck him the most was its sheer size. Ranma
couldn't help but marvel at how huge it was." or something along those
lines...
He was
sure the entire city of Macross could fit inside. And it wasn't just big, it
also looked powerful. It seemed this single ship could take on an entire
army without even trying. He didn't remember it being so imposing. Of
course, it was a broken and burnt wreck the last time...
^^^ had been
---
Nothing knew Ranma then about the Super Dimensional Fortress One, or
"Ranma knew nothing..." The reversed object-verb-subject structure can
work in some cases, but this isn't one of them...
about the importance its arrival would have for the human race. In that ever
so short moment when the alien ship--after three rather catastrophic
ever-so-short
complete orbits around the globe--decided to make its presence known, all he
could think of was to get Akane as far away from it as possible... and fast.
What hapened with Ranma and Akane during those three orbits? (And is
that even possible? Where's Gary?)
The overheated spaceship�s hull met the ocean, vaporizing millions of
gallons of water in less than a second. A white cloud emerged as if by
magic, hiding the ship for a while, but Ranma had seen more than enough.
Whatever that thing was, it was very big--and coming _really_ fast. He
scooped Akane up in his arms and ran for the cost, a fully awakened Genma
^^^^ "coast"
in his toes.
^^^^^^^^^^^
"at his heels"
This scene is very dramatic, and I think it would be better if you got
us a little closer to the action. Instead of just describing the bare
bones of what happens from an omniscient POV, give us some dialogue,
stick close to Ranma's POV, and don't skimp on the action. For example:
'Ranma had known nothing then about the Super-Dimensional Fortress One,
or about the importance it would have for the human race. He and Akane
had witnessed three orbits of the mysterious object, each closer and
more catastrophic than the last, until it cleared the horizon a final
time. It met the ocean within their sight, a white cloud emerging as if
by magic to hide it.
"What... what is it?" Akane's face was pale and white.
"I don't know," Ranma shouted above the din, "but whatever it is, it's
really big, and it's coming really fast. Let's get out of here!" He
scooped her up in his arms and ran for the coast, a fully-awake Genma at
his heels.'
Try this with the rest of the scene as well; despite some good details,
it seems really dry and distant.
Despite running at full speed, they weren�t even half-way there when the
SDF-1 finally crashed against the island. Metal met earth and rock, and
screaming its pain, crumpled and changed.
"Metal met earth and rock, and crumpled and changed, screaming its
pain."
The collision was deafening. So
much so, that Ranma was stunned by it, and thus didn�t react at first when a
tree was sent flying through the air in his direction. Luckily, as always he
^ when
was in danger, his experience in the martial arts allowed him to
automatically react but a second later. Quickly gathering his wits, he
jumped high in the air, barely avoiding the impending trunk. Landing safely
in the ground, he hurried with his father behind a large gray boulder.
^^ on
Meanwhile, the spaceship was visibly slowing down, its unbelievable
weight and the friction against the rocky ground eroding its initial speed.
After what seemed like eternity to the unfortunate campers, the rain of
debris and chunks of wood stopped and the ground became still again,
signaling the end of the ship�s journey through Macross. An eerie peace
followed, almost unreal when compared to the recent havoc. Slowly, almost
fearful of what they were about to see, Akane and Ranma stood up and gazed
at the alien spacecraft.
Their were the first eyes to fall upon the SDF-1, and even when they
^^^^^ Theirs ^^^^
though
didn�t understand it then, a new era had begun.
---
Up in the air, over his head, six planes flew in tight formation. Ranma,
led by the stares of the awed public, caught sight of them, and couldn�t but
^ help
be impressed at these beautiful fighters. Even when he wasn�t very
^^^^ though
interested in war machines such as those, Ranma had seen quite a lot of
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
unnecessary
different combat planes during his life--as every other person who lived in
^ had
the Global Civil War times. None looked like these: precise, swift, sleek,
deathly. A shiny canopy and lots of ammo completed the picture.
He thought he remembered hearing about them somewhere. �Veritech
fighters� they were called, if his memory worked. One of the new United
Earth Government�s most secret projects. Well, at least as secret as every
other thing even remotely related to the so-called Robotechnology is
nowadays. What�s all the fuss about? he asked himself. They aren�t more than
a new model of plane, right?
Not sure if quoting his thoughts works here; you might be better off
paraphrasing: "Well, at least as secret as every other thing even
remotely related to the so-called Robotechnology was those days. He
wondered what all the fuss was about; they weren't anything more than a
new model of plane, right?"
For a moment, he wondered how it would feel like to pilot a plane like
those ones, but after a moment of consideration he dropped the idea,
berating himself for even thinking about it. Who needs a plane when your own
_body_ takes to the air like a duck to water? thought Ranma, following the
fighters while they cut the air at speeds believed impossible just a decade
ago.
A bit too wordy; and how would Ranma be able to compare their speed to
what had been believed impossible?
After all, can the pilots feel the wind over their skin while they fly?
Can they breathe this gentle sea breeze inside their locked pressurized
cockpits? No, they can�t. They are in a prison of metal and circuits,
completely dependant on machines to stay alive. I probably know more freedom
while I roof-hop than they in their whole life.
^ do
Use some sort of punctuation to set off quoted thoughts - in real print,
you could use italics, but it's not possible in ASCII
Around him, people gasped in amazement as the white VTs executed a dive,
only to level up at the last possible moment. Yet, no matter what these
Veritech fighters could do, to Ranma there was only one star in this show:
the SDF-1. In his eyes, nothing could even start to be compared with the
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"begin to compare"
titanic spaceship that had irrupted in his life so long ago.
^^^^^^^^ erupted
---
Astonishingly, the ship itself, though burnt and obviously damaged,
seemed to be in one piece. It barely fit in the tiny island, and was quickly
^^ on
cooling in the fresh morning air. The nearby forest, however, had not been
so lucky. It had been devastated during the unexpected landing: a large
crater surrounded the wreck where the land had crumbled, and outside its
area, most of the trees were uprooted or leafless and dead.
Ranma was no engineer, but he doubted something made by mankind could
stand such a crash. It had to be some secret government project, maybe a new
weapon constructed by the Neasians. Or it could be some kind of UFO, came
from another pl--He really had to stop watching those damned American
movies, they brought strange ideas to his head.
Oh, and Japanese movies and TV shows have no space travel?
Whatever it was, something about it made his hair stand on end. He
couldn�t be sure, being so far from the smoldering ship, but he thought he
could see movement in its hull. Perhaps he ought to take a look at that
thing. Yeah, that�s exactly what I should do, he decided.
"Akane, wait here," said Ranma, and started walking towards the wreck.
�Started� is about right, because before he could make one step in its
direction, Akane�s hand caught him by his shirt, halting him.
"Where do you think you are going?!" she thundered, anger and concern
evident in her voice. "It could be dangerous."
"Hey! I�m gonna check that thing up. What if there�s some survivor or
^^ out
something? We can�t just leave him there," he reasoned. Lately, he had been
trying not to snap at Akane and instead try to explain things to her. Even
when most of the time his temper still got the better of him, there where
^^^^ though
^^^^^ were
occasions when it actually worked. His body was definitely _not_ missing the
extra beatings.
"Maybe you are right," she conceded grudgingly, "but I�ll go with you,"
she finished in a tone that left no room for discussion. Ranma didn�t want
to argue with her, not that day, so he wisely kept his mouth shut. After
asking Genma--who was still cowering behind the boulder, shaking like a leaf
in the middle of a hurricane--to prepare the boat so they could quickly
leave if something went wrong, they headed to the ship.
Why is Genma even in this flashback? You keep mentioning him in
afterthoughts. Give him some part, however, small, in the conversations
and situations. REpulsive though it is, he does have a personality
byond just cowering.
---
Lost in a sea of people, Ranma tried to find his way to the ship. He had
no idea how he had got there. One minute he was following some people that
^^^ gotten
seemed to go in his same direction, and the next thing he knew, he was in
the middle of a crowd of thousands. Funny, that he got lost heading to a
spaceship that was at full sight. Maybe this was how Ryoga felt.
Not far from where he was standing, a platform had been erected. In that
moment, the public address system announced the start of the demonstration.
Some guy dressed in a military dress uniform appeared on the stage, and the
throng greeted him fervently. Tall and proud, with finely chiseled features
and a thick mop of blond hair, he fell into a relaxed posture, hands locked
behind his back. Certainly good looking. Handsome even, if you like the
^^^^
liked
pilot jock type.
Heh, I�m much more handsome! praised himself Ranma. Besides, It�s not
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Ranma gloated to himself"
like I need an uniform to attract girls... Yeah, I can use either martial
arts or Pop�s arrangements for that.
Again, use something to set off thoughts.
Chuckling, he tried to decide what to do next. Maybe he could jump over
the crowd... No. That would put him in the spotlight, and that�s something
he definitely didn�t need right now.
Oh, well. I guess I�ll have to do it the hard way, he thought
resignedly. Slowly making his way through the people, he heard the roar of
the planes� engines as they executed a pass over the stage. No time to see
the show. He had people to see, business to attend.
There only was one thing he didn�t understand: what were they all
laughing about?
Nicely done.
---
Ranma and Akane stood by the wreckage, dwarfed by its colossal size. The
looming structure lay motionless before them, but Ranma couldn�t notice
anything strange or unusual about it. Well, except the facts that it had
come from nowhere and that it was unbelievably large. Perhaps he was letting
his imagination run away with him. Perhaps.
"What do we do now?" asked Akane, neck arched back and trying to gauge
the ruin�s height.
"What else? We get into this... whatever, and see if there�s anyone."
Actually, _I_ get inside it and you stay waiting safely outside, added Ranma
mentally.
"I know that, you jackass!" snapped the youngest Tendo. "What I meant is
_how_ we are going to get in."
Good point. "Well, I suppose I could break a hole big enough for us."
Walking towards the ship�s battered hull, he gave the metallic surface a
tentative blow. When he pulled his fist back, there wasn�t even the
slightest mark on it.
"What the..." Increasing his punches� strength, he proceeded to give the
spaceship the pounding of its existence. However, even after several tries,
the metal was hardly dented and didn�t seem about to give in.
"This is tough stuff," recognized Ranma while gently rubbing his sore
hand. "Maybe with a ki-blast..." he trailed off, realizing for the first
time that Akane was nowhere to be seen. Panicking, he started frantically
searching for any sign of her, when he suddenly heard a voice calling him
^
to
from the distance.
"Ranma! Over here!" Akane was no more than a mile away, standing next to
some sort of circular protuberance and waving for him to come. "I think I
found a hatch!"
Behind her, the hatch snapped open.
---
This must be the place, ventured to himself the pig-tailed martial
"the pig-tailed martial srtist ventured to himself"
artist as he gazed at the small wooden sentry box behind the tall wire
fence. About a dozen soldiers stood next to it, all of them with very
^^^^
unnecessary
menacing rifles at the ready. He couldn�t see their features clearly, as
they were effectively hidden by the shadow projected by the SDF-1, which lay
no more than a few dozens miles ahead, blocking the sun. But as he reached
the control post, one of them approached him and, without opening the gate,
asked him what was he doing here.
So, this is a restricted area? wondered Ranma. But Uncle G�s letter says
I have to go through here... Okay, time to see if I know the right people.
"Wait a sec�," he said, cutting the soldier in mid-speech. "I have an
invitation for today�s ceremonies." He handed the invitation his uncle had
sent him with the letter and couldn�t help but smirk when the man�s eyes
widened in surprise.
Well, well, well. It seems he has an important position after all. Much
better, thought Ranma as he waited for the sentries to get confirmation.
The day was just getting better and better.
---
As in slow motion, Ranma could see the hatch open in two, both halves
sliding apart with almost no sound. He could see as five segmented metallic
^^^^^^^^^^^^
repetitive (see previous line)
tentacles shot out from the dark hole. He could see how one of them snaked
^^^^^^^^^^^^
...and more repetitive. REpetition works in some situations, but this
ain't one of them. After the first "Ranma could see" just describe
what's happening.
towards an unsuspecting Akane, who hadn�t still noticed them. He tried to
tell her to move out of the way, but it was all happening too quickly. All
he could do is run, and hope against hope that he would reach her in time.
^^ was
But when he finally arrived, one of those nightmarish tentacles had already
Akane in an iron grip, and was waving her through the air. Akane screamed
and struggled against it, but to no avail.
He never knew how, but Ranma managed to stay relatively calm while this
was happening. Thinking quickly, he shot a Moko Takabisha to the tentacle
that held Akane. It broke in half and went limp, immediately releasing its
prey. Using another of the tentacles as a springboard, he caught Akane as
she was falling down and, without even looking back, ran for the woods.
See the rpevious scene, where the spaceship landed. Again, this feels
dry, like a summary of events. Get us clsoer to the action.
When they reached the beach, Akane was still a bit shaken, but she
seemed to be calming down rather quickly. He guessed living in Nerima had
somehow hardened her, or something. He started to put their stuff in the
boat when Akane suddenly gave a yelp. He whirled around, half-expecting to
see more of those damned tentacles attacking them.
"Oh, no! I forgot my backpack in the tent!" she hurriedly said. "I have
to go back to get it! My diary is in it!"
"Wait!" Ranma practically screamed. "It could be dangerous! Wait!" But
she was already disappearing in the trees. He considered going after her,
but he knew it would be impossible to follow her through the dense
vegetation.
Um... weren't all the trees destroyed by the ship's landing? And how
can there be anything left of their campsite? If you need to get Akane
off by herself for a while, let's at least be consistent with what's
already happened.
He would have to be patient and wait... and pray she would be fine.
This is SOOOOO not-Ranma!
Casting a last worried glance in the SDF-1�s direction, he turned around and
slowly walked to the boat.
---
What�s taking them so long? he silently asked himself. I don�t have much
time! Ten minutes had passed and the soldier was still on the phone.
Again, awkward transition between past and present/future.
He had heard a news bulletin saying that the SDF-1 was parting in its
leaving on ^^^^^^^^^^
maiden flight at three o�clock in the afternoon. That left... only two hours
and a half to get inside and do his business.
two and a half hours
Be patient, calm down, he ordered himself.
Not having nothing else to do, he started lazily looking around. To his
left, to his right, up, and down his gaze traveled. He studied the soldiers.
They were all wearing green and brown fatigues and brown boots. Looking
carefully, Ranma distinguished the letters �RDF� neatly embroidered in the
fabric. They seemed very relaxed, calmly chatting among themselves, some
smiling or even laughing.
Well, it�s a happy day for them, I suppose, Ranma reasoned. He knew--as
virtually every other person over the world--that the SDF-1 was going to be
launched and thus would leave Macross today, and the rest of the military
personnel would surely follow. They probably have several off-duty days
ahead.
He studied their weapons. Matt black, nasty-looking, _really_ big
rifles. They were gleaming and looked brand new. Everything was shiny and at
its prime that day. Or so it looked like.
It would be "matte" black - and in that case, they wouldn't be shiny,
that being the definition of "matte"
Sad. They really don�t understand. No mater how many times they polish
their rifles, they will still be ugly. They won�t ever obtain grace through
simple shine. There�s no honor in bullets, just as there�s no honor in war,
Ranma stated in his mind.
Again, use symbols to set off thoughts; it is very confusing.
What was that?! he wondered after a short pause. I think Kuno is rubbing
off on me. Next thing I know, I�ll be reciting bad poetry and kissing my
female side in the mirror.
No need for a new paragraph; it just confuses things more.
Next, he studied the SDF-1. So full of secrets, so mysterious. Who had
sent it? With what purpose? Would anyone ever come back to reclaim it? So
many questions... and the answers were inside the ship itself, he was
certain.
Then, he studied himself. He was wearing his old short-sleeved red
silken shirt and the usual black pants. He didn�t remembered the last time
he had worn a different clothes. Sure, sometimes, when the weather was cold,
he changed this shirt for the long-sleeved one, but that didn�t count. Maybe
he ought to change his style... Nah. Probably no one would recognize him if
he did so.
Finally, he slowly looked upwards, and there, a tiny orb in the
firmament, was the moon. Quiet, desert, peaceful moon. Ancient, eternal
moon. So beautiful... And yet, as he stared at it, something nagged him.
There was something odd about it, something wrong... Argh! He just couldn't
put his finger on it.
Okay, this needs a bit of work. The "Next... then... finally"
construction is a bit too formulaic; vary the prose a bit. I'm not sure
the study of himself is even necessary.
It must be my imagination, he calmed himself and forcefully averted his
gaze. He never looked back at the moon during that day.
---
Five minutes, ten minutes, thirty minutes passed and Akane hadn�t come
back yet.
"Oyaji!" Ranma called. "I can�t wait any more! I�m gonna go look for
her!"
Magic words, those were. Because as they left his mouth, a puffing Akane
stepped into the beach. Kneeling in the yellow sand, she panted for breath.
She was carrying a large leather backpack.
...but it wasn't hers...?
"Where were you?! What took you so long?!" he snapped as he ran to her
side and helped her to her feet.
"Oh, Ranma. You won�t believe this. I found the most strange--" She
never finished this sentence.
"There�s no time to talk. We�ve got to get going. I don�t wanna spend
in this island a minute more than necessary."
"...spend a minute more on this island..."
Akane nodded, and they quickly gathered the few things Genma had managed
to rescue from the camping.
As their boat left the island, a group of choppers appeared in the
horizon.
... hosing their boat with machine-gun fire - oops, wrong story...
---
It�s about time! couldn�t help but think Ranma as the sentry opened the
"Ranma couldn't help but think"
fence�s gate. He stepped past it, not paying attention at the soldiers, and
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
how about "ignoring"
started walking towards the spaceship at a fast pace. A few more miles. Just
a few more miles and he could start.
It was in that moment that, suddenly, as so many years ago, the island
of Macross started shaking.
For that matter, why was it shaking before? The SDF-1 hadn't landed,
and was in fact on the other side of the Earth at that time...
Startled, Ranma noticed movement in the
starship�s bow. There, between the twin booms that formed the front of the
ship, a show of light and sound started. Red-orange energy circled around
and between the booms, connecting them in a bridge of flame. Whirling,
spinning, dancing, it almost seemed alive in Ranma�s eyes. A high-pitched
sound came out from the booms as the energy began concentrating in their
tips. Finally, the SDF-1�s main gun shot, and a tower of starflame erupted
from its bow and howled off into the distance, throwing Ranma off his feet
and into the ground.
Soon, the rumble stopped. He slowly put his head in his hands. Why do
these things always happen to me? he asked, but no one answered.
As he stood up, he was able to hear loud alarms going off in the city.
^^^^^^^^^^^ could
---
To be continued...
---
Hi, people. This is my first fic, so I don�t want C&C, I _need_ C&C. Any
kind: private, public, short, extensive, whatever. Please. And be blunt, I
really wish to improve my writing skills.
Well, to be blunt, they do need some improvement. You have a tendency
to use the wrong prepositions, to replace "though" with "when", and to
reverse sentence structure for no apparent meaning. I think I caught
most of the problem areas.
However, you do have a generally clean style, and some really nice
descriptive scenes. Dialogue is good, if used too sparingly.
Things to work on:
Structure: The fic has a lot of good scenes, but they are connected in
a very confusing way. I would condense some of the flashbacks together,
so that we're not switching scene quite as much. Also, while the
Saffron introduction is cool, it feels out of place - the "present"
Ranma never even seems to think about Akane, and the reader is left
wondering what the heck is going on. I even spent some time under the
impression that the entire crossover was just the dream Ranma had after
Akane's death. You need to make more cohesive connections between the
various time periods you are dealing with, and do it in a way that the
story will flow naturally for the reader. What you're doing here is
actually very difficult to do well, and you've taken a good stab at it,
but it needs cleaning up.
POV: Point of View is a powerful tool when used right, and I think you
need to be conscious of it. Some scenes cry out for an intimate
point-of-view, and are treated distantly; other scenes scream to be
summed up distantly, and are treated in intimate detail (such as the
Ranma-thinks-for-eight-paragraphs scenes). Reread the story with an eye
for this, and see what you can do.
Spelling/Grammar: Bunches of mistakes. Watch for those prepositions!
And articles - there can be a big difference between "a backpack" "the
backpack" and "her backpack" :)
Now that I've torn into your work (though with the friendliest of
attitudes, I assure you) I would simply like to say that I am looking
forward to more of this. Robotech has always been dear to me, and you
have a compelling premise for a story here - and I would have said a
crossover would be impossible, myself. Trust me, I don't put this much
effort into C&C for something I don't like - there's too much good stuff
out there :)
Keep writing!
Bridget
(pardon typos, did this with a baby on my lap:))
--
"I choose you - PIKASPEW!!!"
Jamie to 2 month old daughter Madeline,
shortly after being spat up upon...
_______________________________________________
Come and see the fanfics and food of
Bridget and Jamie Wilde!
wildeman@psn.net
http://www.psn.net/~wildeman/