Hi!
I can't even begin to explain how grateful I�m for this wonderful piece of
C&C.
Let�s start...
Since the Beginning of Time, infinite battles have been fought. Some
were petty, other ones, heroic. But only a few could be compared to the
one
^ use a semi-colon here, it would be cleaner
Okay.
held between a misguided godling and a young martial artist, in times
when
magic had been almost forgotten, and true warriors were rare.
The godling was ancient, for he was immortal, and thus had lived for
millennia upon millennia. In the course of the years, he had been given
many
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This sounds awkward; try "In the course of his years"
Much better. Will change.
The martial artist, on the contrary, was still young, and had not
achieved so many titles yet. His only name was Ranma, his only surname,
Saotome. Like Saffron, he was proud--and arrogant, too. But unlike the
godling, he had a good heart, and thus knew how to love and forgive.
Not to be grumpily nitpicky, but this sentence sounds like the narration
of a touchy-feely children's cartoon. I'd try to word this in a way
that doesn't sound quite so... Disney. You have a nice almost fairy-tale
quality to the introduction, but IMO this detracts from the mood, rather
than adding to it.
Um... You�re probably right. I�ll rewrite this whole Ranma-introduction.
artist of war. The Art was his whole life, his reason to exist. He was
the
heir of the Musabetsu Kakuto school of martial arts, and that was his
place
in the world.
Well, I feel obliged to gripe about your use of Japanese. There are, it
is true, words in the Japanese language that don't have any useful
analogues in English, but there are any number of decent translations
for "Musabetsu Kakuto" - "Anything-Goes Martial Arts" and
"Indiscriminate Grappling" being two of them. Also, technically
whenever their style is discussed, it is the "Saotome School of
Anything-Goes Martial Arts" (or your preferred translation), to contrast
with the Tendo school.
Yep, I knew this. However, I was thinking in writing the special attacks in
Japanese, so I believed Musabetsu Kakuto�d be a better choice.
I�ll change it.
In general, a good rule of thumb to follow in using Japanese is to ask
yourself (a) whether there is a good translation for the word(s) - and
it is true that sometimes there is not, or the words have been absorbed
into English - and also (b) does the use of Japanese add something
(good, natch) that English could not express? In this case, the answers
would probably be (a) yes, and (b) no, in which case you are probably
better off just using English.
I don�t know so many Japanese words (in fact, I had to look �Musabetsu
Kakuto� up in Vincent�s �Centaur�), but I�ll keep this in mind.
A certain day, he met Akane, the daughter of one master of Musabetsu
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"On a certain day" would be less clumsy; I would stress that it is
_another_ master of Anything-Goes Martial Arts (see above)
Right again.
see them together, and the problems, and his reluctance to admit it, he
fell
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This is a vague generalization that seems to include everything else
you've listed, and so seems out of place. The long list of problems is
a stylistic touch I like, so I would replace "and the problems" with
another specific problem or two.
Okay. The list will increase. Not that there aren�t tons of problems to
choose from. ^_^
in love with her. Then, everything changed.
For, even when the Art was still a big part of who he was, and who
he
^^^^ though
Yeah.
In many opportunities Akane was kidnapped, or endangered somehow,
and
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"On many occasions"
Yep, Morgan caught that one, too. I already changed it.
Thus everybody came to believe he would always win, for, after all,
doesn't
the hero always save the damsel in distress?
No, he doesn't.
This feels out of place; there is a logical connection between the
"doesn't the hero always win" and the Saffron introduction, and this
change of direction disrupts it.
Um... I don�t know what you meant with this. You�re saying the sentence �No,
he doesn't� disrupts the flow? If that�s the case, I just wanted to give the
readers a rest between the heavy narration.
Besides, I kind of like it myself.
If you didn�t mean that, please explain it to me again. Sorry.
So, when Saffron came and told Ranma his fianc�e would die if he
didn't
defeat him, everyone couldn't help but think: 'There is nothing to worry
about. Ranma will win once again, and Akane will be safe,' and they were
both wrong and right
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
right and wrong
Will fix.
Arrgh! Such an obvious mistake... Oh, well.
he couldn't overcome his opponent. Yet Ranma knew time was crucial, and
it
was quickly running out. He would have to go all out, even if there was
the
danger to kill his enemy.
^^^^^^^
of killing
Okay.
To kill in cold blood... Skilled in the martial arts as he was,
never
before had he been forced to kill. There had always been another option,
a
way out. Not this time. Could he really do it? And so deeply he loved
Akane
^^^^^^^^
"did he love" would work better.
Right, I�ll give it a look.
veins, filling his heart, his lungs, his whole being. In that moment, he
was
a god. He was able to jump over tall hills with a single mighty leap; he
^^^^^^^^^^
Not only does this sound like a Superman blurb, it also doesn't sound
too impressive. I'm sure you can find something more awe-inspiring for
him to jump over than some tall hills.
Over tall... mountains? ^_^
I�ll think of something.
could easily obliterate entire mountains, overthrow governments. He
could do
anything he wished, no one could stop him--and that scared him. Seeing
Saffron moving towards him,
I think you need to stress that Saffron's moving towards Ranma was the
catalyst that forced him to overcome his fear of his own power and act -
add a "But" before "seeing"
I see it now. Consider it done.
he waited no more, and with a blast of raw
energy, so pure and white as snow and bright as a young star, the
godling
^^ as
Again, such an obvious mistake... >_<
I�ll correct it.
met death for the first time in centuries.
You change subject there from Ranma to "the godling," making the grammar
a little shaky; I would keep it all with Ranma as the subject i.e.
"...with a blast of raw energy...he sent the godling to his death, for
the first time in centuries.
Aha. Didn�t see that one.
You are _good_ at this!
Ranma hurried to his love's side and held her gently in his arms,
calling her. But it was too late. No matter how loud he shouted her
name,
she wouldn't wake up. So he cried for hours, and when he had no more
tears
to pour, he simply died. In mind and spirit, he died. And he was sure
his
body would follow soon. Everything had been taken from him: he had no
goal,
no hopes, no future. Surrendering to his grief, he lay down on the grass
to
wait for the End.
I like this paragraph.
Thanks. ^_^
Chapter 1: Crossroads
Ranma walked slowly through the streets of Macross, enjoying the
comforting warmth the shining sun was giving him.
A bit too circuitous; you are probably better off just saying "the
comforting warmth of the shining sun"
Redundant, eh? One of my worst problems.
Ranma picked himself up from the floor staring all the time at the
now
^^^^^
"street" or "pavement" or "sidewalk"; a floor would be in a house
Sidewalk it is.
demolished obstacle. He couldn't believe he had been so engrossed in the
beauty of the day as to drop his defenses. How could he be such an
idiot?
Constant awareness was the only reason he had survived the harsh years
that
followed his departure from Nerima. And as always he thought of his
former
^ when
When, as always? Okay, I shouldn�t have started with an �and�.
all they could see in every direction were trees. Well, that's not
entirely
^^^^^^^^^^
"that wasn't"
unbearable. He had no idea how Hell was, but he was pretty sure those
winged
^^^^^^^^^^^^ "what Hell was like"
I see it now... through my fresh tears. ^_^
torturers lived there. Only that idiot Oyaji could call that a training
^^^^^ ^^^^ this
I thought you had to use �that� instead of �this� when in past tense. I�ll
check it up.
see my earlier comments on "musabetsu kakuto"
Aw! But Oyaji is so... clich�! I couldn�t resist! ^_^
ground. They couldn't even find a clearing to set camping! Where were
they
^^^^^^^^^^^
set up camp
I think you�re right.
supposed to train? If his idiotic father had just been there, he would
have
made him know how pleased he was with his choice. But, of course, the
old
^^^^^^^^
let him
Yes, you�re right.
man has stayed in the shore, fresh and comfortable. 'Taking care of the
^^^ had ^^ on
Well, I�m getting unconfortable. ^_^
Just a joke. I really appreciate this.
boat,' he had said. The nerve of that guy. Like if there was anyone in
that
island forgotten by the gods.
"Like there was anyone else on that island..."
Really? I�ll have to trust in you... ^_^
But he was not alone. Akane had come with him. Always by his side,
in
^^
Use "Ranma" here, this implies that Genma was not alone etc.
OK.
every battle, in the saddest moments. Of course, he didn't appreciate it
then, not at all. He called her a nuisance, he told her to live him
alone.
^^^^ leave
Homonyms. I hate them! ^_^
Yet, she stayed and took care of him. How could he be so blind?
The way this last paragraph is written, it shifts the POV from
past-Ranma (grumpy about the mosquitoes and Genma) to
present/future-Ranma (reminiscing about how Akane was always by his side
and how blind he had been) - it's quite confusing. Basically, you need
to make a decision as to how you want to approach your flashbacks. You
can do them as if they are the "present," sticking close to the thoughts
and feelings of the characters _at that time_, or you can write it as a
memory, with the impressions being those of the present/future Ranma
looking back. If you pick one and stick with it, it will keep things
cleaner.
I myself would lean towards the latter; it allows for more candid
observations of what's going on, relates it to the main storyline
better, and will also help to smooth the transitions between the
flashbacks and the main storyline, which tend to be a bit choppy. In
this case, the main thing to do would be to go back and change verb
tenses from past ("was" "were" "did") to past perfect ("had been" "had
done") But, to take the last paragraph as an example, it would end up
something like this:
"But Ranma had not been alone. Akane had come with him. Always by
his side, in every battle, in the saddest moments. Of course, he hadn't
appreciated it then, not at all. He had called her a nuisance, told her
to leave him alone. Yet she had stayed and taken care of him. How
could he have been so blind?"
_Big_ oops.
I see what you mean. I had seen the problem, but I couldn�t find the way to
fix it. Too close, maybe. Unexperienced, probably. ^_^
I�ll do as you say, as that�s how I had intented in the first place.
Somewhere along the way, I changed.
How peaceful it was here! That was what he loved about this city.
Since
The transition here feels very abrupt, and for a moment I was confused
as to which "here" it was. You are probably better off starting the
scene with a statement that more firmly grounds the reader in the place
and time, than with such a general statement.
That was intentional, actually. I wanted the reader to aske himself what the
heck Ranma was talking about. Didn�t work for you, so I�ll add some
reference to Macross.
he was a little innocent kid, his life had been all rush and excitement:
training all the time, always fighting for his life and, of course, the
occasional curse, potion or spice...
Pit a comma between "life, and" or it sounds like he was fighting for
not only his life but also the occasional curse, potion, or spice. :)
Heh. The comma is in.
Well, he was tired now. Tired of all the craziness. He just
wanted--needed--calm. Some quite place for resting and thinking. For
deciding what to do with his life. Maybe after he got rid of those
flowers
Um... what flowers?
Ah, I�d tell you, but then I�d have to shoot you. ^_^
Just wait and see (read).
he could stay in Macross. And he could open a dojo of his own. Yes! And
then
he could find Ryoga and together they would finish with those damned
amazons
once and for all. And...
This alludes to a mysterious past feud with the amazons, which isn't
very clear; if there is some past event with the amazons that will come
up later in the story, you need to either give us more information now
or leave it for later entirely. AS it is, this feels like it's just
thrown out for no real reason.
Yes, this was a big mistake. Many people said the same. As it�s only
background information, I�ve decided to leave it for later chapters.
He stopped himself with determination. This was not the time nor the
^^^ neither
Aha...
place to daydream. He had to be patient. First he was going to do what
he
had gone to that island for. Then he would make plans.
"had come to the island for"
...for the future.
And make plans for what? That sentence needs more as well, even if it's
just to tack on "for the future."
I thought it was obvious. I was wrong.
I�ll rewrite it.
---
Dead tired. That was how they were feeling after three days of
constant
Very awkward transition. I would cut this out and paste it back in at
the beginning of the next flashback; the sight of the ship is a better
catalyst for a flashback, and this disrupts the flow of the story. You
could also put it and the end of the last flashback. Try to space your
flashbacks out a bit more, keep us in one time-continuity for a
reasonable period of time before switching around - that last scene was
only three paragraphs!
Will see about taking this bit to the
About the lenght of the flashbacks... Well, I was trying to keep an even
distribution between them and the �present� scenes. I thought it�d look
good.
Guess not. ^_^
I�ll see what I can do.
work-out. The sun was beginning to show its bright face in the East, but
Oyaji was still asleep in his tent, exhausted even when he had only
sparred
^^^^ though
Yes.
for a few hours. He was definitely getting old. Resting next to the
campfire, Akane and him were talking about nothing, chit-chatting, both
^^^ he
Aw! Stupid mistake.
comfortable with each other's presence. It was incredible how well they
fared when there were no fianc�es or enemies to keep them apart. Yes,
incredible. After some time, they stopped talking and just lay down over
the
^^^^ on
...on the grass? Okay.
grass side by side, gazing at the sun.
...until they lost their eyesight... :P Very few people actually gaze
at the sun itself; it's too bright. There's plenty of trees and clouds
and such that they are more likely to be gazing at.
Heheh. Maybe they were using shades or something... Nah, they were looking
at the clouds. ^_^
They even held hands for a while.
Seeing her there, so perfect and beautiful under the sunlight, so
relaxed
and full with peace, made Ranma realize the moment had arrived. It was
finally the right and perfect time to confess his feelings for her.
Well...
It might be. At least, he thought so.
He was about to start with the always difficult task of talking to
Akane
"start the always-difficult task"
Right.
without putting his foot in his mouth, when she suddenly called him out.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"called out to him," unless she was planning on challenging him to a
duel... And if she's right next to him, she probably wouldn't "call out"
in the first place, it implies some distance between them.
Ahaha! Will have to quickly change before anyone realizes... Too late. ^_^
"Ranma, look! In the sky, it's a falling star!"
And indeed, as soon as he looked up, he caught sight of a glowing
point
flying swiftly though the sky. It was leaving behind a shining path of
fire
that seemed to start in the sun, as if a piece of the star had decided
to
meet the Earth at last. Ranma stared mesmerized for some minutes, his
former
Minutes? Most shooting stars are only visible for seconds, and wouldn't
be visible at all during the day. Something large and bright enough to
be seen during daylight, especially right next to the sun, would be very
strange indeed, and I can't buy the casual conversation that follows
because of this. This part needs definite work.
It needs work indeed.
But you should know this wasn�t a shooting star. It actually was... the
SDF-1! Of course, they didn�t know this.
If shooting stars only last for seconds is because they are quickly
disintegrated by the Earth�s atmosphere. Of course, the SDF-1 wouldn�t be so
easily dealt with.
About the conversation, well... I�ll come up with something.
Ranma stopped rummaging through his brown leather backpack and
resumed
walking. He looked at the photograph he was now holding in his hand. It
Awkwardly structured. It feels like Ranma rummaged in his backpack
fruitlessly, started walking, then suddenly a photograph magically
appeared in his hand for him to look at. There's a logical connection
between the events; exploit it.
Okay. I�ll rewrite this bit.
showed a young man in his thirties, dressed in an immaculate sailor
suit. He
was wearing extremely polished knee-high boots, and had so many medals
in
his shirt it seemed impossible to find place to hang a new one. He also
had
^^^^
not necessary
What do you mean?
dark hair, and the beginnings of a moustache were evident. The man was
smiling and waving to the camera, while in the background a gray warship
appeared about to leave, a frantic activity evident in the port. Looking
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
This makes no sense to me whatsoever...
A frantic activity in the port? Why?
You know how it is, sailors everywhere, lots of things being loaded in the
ship. Why doesn�t it make sense?
closely, Ranma discovered a Russian flag painted in the ship's hull.
Is this the first time he's looked closely at the picture? A bit fishy
to me... Replace "discovered" with "could see"
Well... I was trying to say he hadn�t _really_ looked at the picture.
Will see.
Mom said Uncle G'd be waiting for me. I hope he remembers me,
thought
Ranma while putting the photo in his pocket. After all, he himself
barely
remembered the man. He hadn't seen Uncle G since he was a little boy,
before
going in the infamous ten-year-long training trip. How was he going to
recognize him? All he had was an old photo, and it was twenty years old!
... oh yeah, and that letter, and the invitation...
But he couln't recognize him through a letter or an invitation. They didn�t
have drawings! :-b
Bah!
Humbug!
Bah! ^_^
It didn't matter. Luck had been on his side for the first time in
^^^^^^^^ was
Right, again. >_<
long, never-ending years. An uncle working in the monstrosity, it was
almost
^^^^^^^^^^^
This just doesn't feel right; we haven't yet read Ranma's up-close
experience with the ship, so we don't know where his personal opinion is
coming from - and for that matter, this is the first direct mention of
the SDF-1 in the entire fic. Use "ship" or, since it should be printed
on his invitation, "the SDF-1"
Okay, I didn�t notice it.
too much to believe. He just hoped he had an important position--he
really
needed to get inside that ship.
He was slowly but steadily approaching the airshow. Many people
walked
^^^^^^
"were walking in the same direction"
Um... I already used �Aha�, �OK�, �Okay� and �Right�. I�ll have to repeat
one of them. ^_^
OK.
in his same direction, all laughing and chatting. It wasn't strange, a
beautiful day and a free show use to put you in a good mood.
This sentence is practically incomprehensible. Who is saying it isn't
strange? Ranma? The omniscient narrator? Who is the "you"? Here's a
possible rewrite based on what I *think* you mean:
Ranma, of course. The narrator obviously knows nothing. ^_^
"He supposed it wasn't strange they were in a good mood, with a free
show on such a beautiful day."
Right, right.
He could see the spaceship in more detail now. It was amazing! One
thing
struck him the most in that, the second time he saw it: its sheer size.
Man,
it's huge! Ranma couldn't help but think at the impressive sight.
Very awkward. How about: "This was the second time he had seen it, and
the one thing that struck him the most was its sheer size. Ranma
couldn't help but marvel at how huge it was." or something along those
lines...
Awkward, right. Will rewrite the whole thing.
He was
sure the entire city of Macross could fit inside. And it wasn't just
big, it
also looked powerful. It seemed this single ship could take on an entire
army without even trying. He didn't remember it being so imposing. Of
course, it was a broken and burnt wreck the last time...
^^^ had been
Right. Would you believe me if I said my little brother changed all the
tenses?
---
Nothing knew Ranma then about the Super Dimensional Fortress One, or
"Ranma knew nothing..." The reversed object-verb-subject structure can
work in some cases, but this isn't one of them...
...as I have already been told. >_<
Tip for you, writers: When two people agree, go and change it quickly. ^_^
about the importance its arrival would have for the human race. In that
ever
so short moment when the alien ship--after three rather catastrophic
ever-so-short
Yep.
complete orbits around the globe--decided to make its presence known,
all he
could think of was to get Akane as far away from it as possible... and
fast.
What hapened with Ranma and Akane during those three orbits? (And is
that even possible? Where's Gary?)
The SDF-1 was going FAST. ^_^
Yes, I think it�s possible. After all, if the SDF-1 had crashed in a direct
fall over Macross, then it wouldn�t have produced a �catastrophe�.
The overheated spaceship�s hull met the ocean, vaporizing millions
of
gallons of water in less than a second. A white cloud emerged as if by
magic, hiding the ship for a while, but Ranma had seen more than enough.
Whatever that thing was, it was very big--and coming _really_ fast. He
scooped Akane up in his arms and ran for the cost, a fully awakened
Genma
^^^^ "coast"
Yep.
in his toes.
^^^^^^^^^^^
"at his heels"
Terrible confussion.
This scene is very dramatic, and I think it would be better if you got
us a little closer to the action. Instead of just describing the bare
bones of what happens from an omniscient POV, give us some dialogue,
stick close to Ranma's POV, and don't skimp on the action. For example:
'Ranma had known nothing then about the Super-Dimensional Fortress One,
or about the importance it would have for the human race. He and Akane
had witnessed three orbits of the mysterious object, each closer and
more catastrophic than the last, until it cleared the horizon a final
time. It met the ocean within their sight, a white cloud emerging as if
by magic to hide it.
"What... what is it?" Akane's face was pale and white.
"I don't know," Ranma shouted above the din, "but whatever it is, it's
really big, and it's coming really fast. Let's get out of here!" He
scooped her up in his arms and ran for the coast, a fully-awake Genma at
his heels.'
Try this with the rest of the scene as well; despite some good details,
it seems really dry and distant.
Very good scene. I�ll try to do it.
If this isn�t good C&C, then what is? Thanks. ^_^
Despite running at full speed, they weren�t even half-way there when
the
SDF-1 finally crashed against the island. Metal met earth and rock, and
screaming its pain, crumpled and changed.
"Metal met earth and rock, and crumpled and changed, screaming its
pain."
Okay...
The collision was deafening. So
much so, that Ranma was stunned by it, and thus didn�t react at first
when a
tree was sent flying through the air in his direction. Luckily, as
always he
^ when
Where would this go?
was in danger, his experience in the martial arts allowed him to
automatically react but a second later. Quickly gathering his wits, he
jumped high in the air, barely avoiding the impending trunk. Landing
safely
in the ground, he hurried with his father behind a large gray boulder.
^^ on
Aha.
Meanwhile, the spaceship was visibly slowing down, its unbelievable
weight and the friction against the rocky ground eroding its initial
speed.
After what seemed like eternity to the unfortunate campers, the rain of
debris and chunks of wood stopped and the ground became still again,
signaling the end of the ship�s journey through Macross. An eerie peace
followed, almost unreal when compared to the recent havoc. Slowly,
almost
fearful of what they were about to see, Akane and Ranma stood up and
gazed
at the alien spacecraft.
Their were the first eyes to fall upon the SDF-1, and even when they
^^^^^ Theirs ^^^^
though
I�ll have to be careful with those �even when� of mine.
didn�t understand it then, a new era had begun.
---
Up in the air, over his head, six planes flew in tight formation.
Ranma,
led by the stares of the awed public, caught sight of them, and couldn�t
but
^ help
Didn�t think it was needed. Will add.
be impressed at these beautiful fighters. Even when he wasn�t very
^^^^ though
Said so.
interested in war machines such as those, Ranma had seen quite a lot of
^^^^^^^^^^^^^
unnecessary
I was trying to emphasize that Ranma had no interest in war. Will rewrite.
different combat planes during his life--as every other person who lived
in
^ had
Yep.
the Global Civil War times. None looked like these: precise, swift,
sleek,
deathly. A shiny canopy and lots of ammo completed the picture.
He thought he remembered hearing about them somewhere. �Veritech
fighters� they were called, if his memory worked. One of the new United
Earth Government�s most secret projects. Well, at least as secret as
every
other thing even remotely related to the so-called Robotechnology is
nowadays. What�s all the fuss about? he asked himself. They aren�t more
than
a new model of plane, right?
Not sure if quoting his thoughts works here; you might be better off
paraphrasing: "Well, at least as secret as every other thing even
remotely related to the so-called Robotechnology was those days. He
wondered what all the fuss was about; they weren't anything more than a
new model of plane, right?"
You think? Okay, I�ll think about not quoting his thoughts so much.
For a moment, he wondered how it would feel like to pilot a plane
like
those ones, but after a moment of consideration he dropped the idea,
berating himself for even thinking about it. Who needs a plane when your
own
_body_ takes to the air like a duck to water? thought Ranma, following
the
fighters while they cut the air at speeds believed impossible just a
decade
ago.
A bit too wordy; and how would Ranma be able to compare their speed to
what had been believed impossible?
Actually, the bit about the �speeds believed impossible� would be a
commented by the omniscient narrator (me ^_^).
Wordy? That�s a first for me. ^_^
Will think about changing it.
After all, can the pilots feel the wind over their skin while they fly?
Can they breathe this gentle sea breeze inside their locked pressurized
cockpits? No, they can�t. They are in a prison of metal and circuits,
completely dependant on machines to stay alive. I probably know more
freedom
while I roof-hop than they in their whole life.
^ do
Yep.
Use some sort of punctuation to set off quoted thoughts - in real print,
you could use italics, but it's not possible in ASCII
I�ll have to disagree in this. In C&C sent to the FFML, many experienced
writes advice to don�t use quotes for thoughts. At least, that�s how I
interpreted their words. Can anyone tell me which�s the right way?
Around him, people gasped in amazement as the white VTs executed a
dive,
only to level up at the last possible moment. Yet, no matter what these
Veritech fighters could do, to Ranma there was only one star in this
show:
the SDF-1. In his eyes, nothing could even start to be compared with the
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"begin to compare"
...nothing could even begin to compare with...? Not sure.
Maybe �...nothing could even begin to be compared with...�?
titanic spaceship that had irrupted in his life so long ago.
^^^^^^^^ erupted
I already changed this one with �burst into�.
Thanks anyway.
Astonishingly, the ship itself, though burnt and obviously damaged,
seemed to be in one piece. It barely fit in the tiny island, and was
quickly
^^ on
So true... >_<
weapon constructed by the Neasians. Or it could be some kind of UFO,
came
from another pl--He really had to stop watching those damned American
movies, they brought strange ideas to his head.
Oh, and Japanese movies and TV shows have no space travel?
Heheh... Morgan told me this already. I added a reference to mangas.
"Hey! I�m gonna check that thing up. What if there�s some survivor
or
^^ out
Out it is.
something? We can�t just leave him there," he reasoned. Lately, he had
been
trying not to snap at Akane and instead try to explain things to her.
Even
when most of the time his temper still got the better of him, there
where
^^^^ though
^^^^^ were
Another of those damned �even then�. Drat!
And another of those damned homonyms. Double drat! ^_^
occasions when it actually worked. His body was definitely _not_ missing
the
extra beatings.
"Maybe you are right," she conceded grudgingly, "but I�ll go with
you,"
she finished in a tone that left no room for discussion. Ranma didn�t
want
to argue with her, not that day, so he wisely kept his mouth shut. After
asking Genma--who was still cowering behind the boulder, shaking like a
leaf
in the middle of a hurricane--to prepare the boat so they could quickly
leave if something went wrong, they headed to the ship.
Why is Genma even in this flashback? You keep mentioning him in
afterthoughts. Give him some part, however, small, in the conversations
and situations. REpulsive though it is, he does have a personality
byond just cowering.
He DOES?! ^_^
Okay, but you have to recognize he IS a coward. I don�t see him going to
explore the ship, for example.
Lost in a sea of people, Ranma tried to find his way to the ship. He
had
no idea how he had got there. One minute he was following some people
that
^^^ gotten
Got works, too.
behind his back. Certainly good looking. Handsome even, if you like the
^^^^
liked
Oops.
pilot jock type.
Heh, I�m much more handsome! praised himself Ranma. Besides, It�s
not
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
"Ranma gloated to himself"
Gloated, that�s the word.
like I need an uniform to attract girls... Yeah, I can use either
martial
arts or Pop�s arrangements for that.
Again, use something to set off thoughts.
Ahh... I don�t know. Any kind soul could help me here?
There only was one thing he didn�t understand: what were they all
laughing about?
Nicely done.
Thanks. ^_^
searching for any sign of her, when he suddenly heard a voice calling
him
^
to
I think �calling him� is correct. I�ll check it up.
artist as he gazed at the small wooden sentry box behind the tall wire
fence. About a dozen soldiers stood next to it, all of them with very
^^^^
unnecessary
Maybe, but why? It�s not like I have too much description, ne? ^_^
---
As in slow motion, Ranma could see the hatch open in two, both
halves
sliding apart with almost no sound. He could see as five segmented
metallic
^^^^^^^^^^^^
repetitive (see previous line)
Ahaha. Missed that one (and a thousand more, it seems ^_^).
tentacles shot out from the dark hole. He could see how one of them
snaked
^^^^^^^^^^^^
...and more repetitive. REpetition works in some situations, but this
ain't one of them. After the first "Ranma could see" just describe
what's happening.
Well, I thought that the repetition of �could see� would make a nice
contrast with the �all he could do� bit. I guess it didn�t work for you.
towards an unsuspecting Akane, who hadn�t still noticed them. He tried
to
tell her to move out of the way, but it was all happening too quickly.
All
he could do is run, and hope against hope that he would reach her in
time.
^^ was
Argh! Stupid mistake number ##.
He never knew how, but Ranma managed to stay relatively calm while
this
was happening. Thinking quickly, he shot a Moko Takabisha to the
tentacle
that held Akane. It broke in half and went limp, immediately releasing
its
prey. Using another of the tentacles as a springboard, he caught Akane
as
she was falling down and, without even looking back, ran for the woods.
See the rpevious scene, where the spaceship landed. Again, this feels
dry, like a summary of events. Get us clsoer to the action.
I�ll work on it.
"Wait!" Ranma practically screamed. "It could be dangerous! Wait!"
But
she was already disappearing in the trees. He considered going after
her,
but he knew it would be impossible to follow her through the dense
vegetation.
Um... weren't all the trees destroyed by the ship's landing? And how
can there be anything left of their campsite? If you need to get Akane
off by herself for a while, let's at least be consistent with what's
already happened.
Um... Well, I said all the trees �sorrounding the SDF-1� had been
devastated, and they are in the coast at the moment.
They left the tent in a hurry because the SDF-1 was going to crash near it,
but I never said their camp was destroyed. I�ll make it clearer.
He would have to be patient and wait... and pray she would be fine.
This is SOOOOO not-Ranma!
OOC? Um... Yes, maybe you�re right. I�ll change this last sentence.
What�s taking them so long? he silently asked himself. I don�t have
much
time! Ten minutes had passed and the soldier was still on the phone.
Again, awkward transition between past and present/future.
Will change.
He had heard a news bulletin saying that the SDF-1 was parting in
its
leaving on ^^^^^^^^^^
Wrong verb. Yep.
maiden flight at three o�clock in the afternoon. That left... only two
hours
and a half to get inside and do his business.
two and a half hours
Ooops.
He studied their weapons. Matt black, nasty-looking, _really_ big
rifles. They were gleaming and looked brand new. Everything was shiny
and at
its prime that day. Or so it looked like.
It would be "matte" black - and in that case, they wouldn't be shiny,
that being the definition of "matte"
Ay! You killed me with that one. You�re right, they couldn�t be gleaming.
However, �matt�, �matte� and �mat� are synonyms.
Sad. They really don�t understand. No mater how many times they
polish
their rifles, they will still be ugly. They won�t ever obtain grace
through
simple shine. There�s no honor in bullets, just as there�s no honor in
war,
Ranma stated in his mind.
Again, use symbols to set off thoughts; it is very confusing.
Read that, you experienced writers out there, and clear my doubts. PLEASE.
What was that?! he wondered after a short pause. I think Kuno is
rubbing
off on me. Next thing I know, I�ll be reciting bad poetry and kissing my
female side in the mirror.
No need for a new paragraph; it just confuses things more.
Okay... To say the truth, I don�t see it that way, but I�ll consider it.
Okay, this needs a bit of work. The "Next... then... finally"
construction is a bit too formulaic; vary the prose a bit. I'm not sure
the study of himself is even necessary.
I�ll try to vary it.
The study of himself? Well, I�m going to include some reference to his
actual age, so as to give some kind of reference and make the timeline
clearer.
Magic words, those were. Because as they left his mouth, a puffing
Akane
stepped into the beach. Kneeling in the yellow sand, she panted for
breath.
She was carrying a large leather backpack.
...but it wasn't hers...?
OK.
"There�s no time to talk. We�ve got to get going. I don�t wanna
spend
in this island a minute more than necessary."
"...spend a minute more on this island..."
Right.
As their boat left the island, a group of choppers appeared in the
horizon.
... hosing their boat with machine-gun fire - oops, wrong story...
Heh. Maybe in a rewrite...
It�s about time! couldn�t help but think Ranma as the sentry opened
the
"Ranma couldn't help but think"
Argh! I always do that!
Bah! ^_^
fence�s gate. He stepped past it, not paying attention at the soldiers,
and
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
how about "ignoring"
Could work.
started walking towards the spaceship at a fast pace. A few more miles.
Just
a few more miles and he could start.
It was in that moment that, suddenly, as so many years ago, the
island
of Macross started shaking.
For that matter, why was it shaking before? The SDF-1 hadn't landed,
and was in fact on the other side of the Earth at that time...
Well, if the SDF-1 was able to obliterate entire cities while still in the
air, a tiny island like Macross had to shake... at least a little, right?
^_^
As he stood up, he was able to hear loud alarms going off in the
city.
^^^^^^^^^^^ could
What�s wrong with �was able�?
Hi, people. This is my first fic, so I don�t want C&C, I _need_ C&C. Any
kind: private, public, short, extensive, whatever. Please. And be blunt,
I
really wish to improve my writing skills.
Well, to be blunt, they do need some improvement. You have a tendency
to use the wrong prepositions, to replace "though" with "when", and to
reverse sentence structure for no apparent meaning. I think I caught
most of the problem areas.
Most being the key word. ^_^
Blunt I wanted, blunt I received. Thanks.
However, you do have a generally clean style, and some really nice
descriptive scenes. Dialogue is good, if used too sparingly.
Thanks. ^_^
Things to work on:
Structure: The fic has a lot of good scenes, but they are connected in
a very confusing way. I would condense some of the flashbacks together,
so that we're not switching scene quite as much. Also, while the
Saffron introduction is cool, it feels out of place -
Ah, but I need that introduction to explain the background of the story.
the "present"
Ranma never even seems to think about Akane, and the reader is left
wondering what the heck is going on. I even spent some time under the
impression that the entire crossover was just the dream Ranma had after
Akane's death. You need to make more cohesive connections between the
various time periods you are dealing with, and do it in a way that the
story will flow naturally for the reader. What you're doing here is
actually very difficult to do well, and you've taken a good stab at it,
but it needs cleaning up.
Well, I�ll work in that. Hopefully, the connection will be clearer in the
revision.
POV: Point of View is a powerful tool when used right, and I think you
need to be conscious of it. Some scenes cry out for an intimate
point-of-view, and are treated distantly; other scenes scream to be
summed up distantly, and are treated in intimate detail (such as the
Ranma-thinks-for-eight-paragraphs scenes). Reread the story with an eye
for this, and see what you can do.
I�ll do my best.
Spelling/Grammar: Bunches of mistakes. Watch for those prepositions!
And articles - there can be a big difference between "a backpack" "the
backpack" and "her backpack" :)
*bows his head in shame* Sorry about that. I didn�t have prereaders and
sometimes it gets tiresome to re-read your own work.
Now that I've torn into your work (though with the friendliest of
attitudes, I assure you)
And I have to thank you for it. This is exactly what I needed.
I would simply like to say that I am looking
forward to more of this. Robotech has always been dear to me, and you
have a compelling premise for a story here - and I would have said a
crossover would be impossible, myself. Trust me, I don't put this much
effort into C&C for something I don't like - there's too much good stuff
out there :)
I agree with you in this last bit.
This is very important to me. I never thought someone would care to send
excellent, public C&C such as this (well, I expected it from Morgan, but
from no one else). I owe you a big time.
I�ll work hard and try to make this story a better one. Thanks, thanks,
thank you very much.
Keep writing!
I will.
Stay tuned for the revision!
Bridget
(pardon typos, did this with a baby on my lap:))
Yeah, people. Pardon MY typos. Did the story in... a big nice computer. >_<
Well. That�s all. I�ll post the revised version ASAP. Thanks again. Bye and
good luck,
Latin_D