Hi,
My comments##
Boy this is REALLY late. :(
This was a very difficult chapter to C&C.
Overall: Dialogue, plotting, craftsmanship are
superb as always. However something about
the story left me feeling uncomfortable, much like
a pebble in my shoe, or a bit of dust in my eye.
Very difficult to find the exact cause. So I put the
story
aside to think about it for a while. I did this
several times.
In fact I've gotten other people (not fanfic readers)
to
help me with it. I'm still not satisfied that I've put
my finger
on the problem. OR even if there really is a problem.
It is much
more likely that it is merely a stylistic conflict.
However this is the
best I've been able to come up with. I hope that it is
helpful.
As always, everything is IMO only. ^_^
From: Gary Kleppe <kleppe@mediaone.net> |
Block address
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic] I Dream of Ranma,
Episode 5
Date: Mon, 17 Jan 2000 20:55:22 -0600
I DREAM OF RANMA
Ranma 1/2 Manga Fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
<SNIP> My Dinner With
Kasumi
On Thursday, Ranma was introduced to a weekly
tradition at the
Tendo household.
"Leftover night?"
"That's right, Ranma." Nabiki crossed the
Tendo living room,
sliding down onto the floor next to him. "Every other
Thursday, Kasumi
takes the night off and goes out, leaving the rest of
us to fend for
ourselves."
##Ummm, if it's every other Thursday it's every other
week, not weekly.
I like the concept. Adds a little touch of realism. I
don't like the term "leftover night". It just sounds
too 1950's America. OTOH I can't think of a better
term.
Ranma set down the Giant Killer Robots of
Death manga he had
been reading. "Really? Where's she go?"
"We don't know." Her smirk told him that he'd
just won the
Stupidest Question Of The Week award. "She always
leaves plenty of
food, so no one will starve."
##Why is it a stupid question? Seems perfectly natural
to me.
The answer "We don't know." also seems a bit strange.
I think I'm just having trouble imaging Kasumi just
disappearing w/o ANY explanation. Not that it
couldn't happen. It just doesn't _feel_ right to me
as written.
She set a glass of water on the floor between
them. "Lucky for me, though, I'll be dining out
tonight, thanks to a
certain genie who owes me a favor."
Sighing, he picked up the glass and poured it
over himself. "All
right, wish away."
Nabiki crossed her legs together, swiveling
around to face him.
"Yesterday, I sent off a letter to a certain young
man. You may know
the type: very rich, very handsome, very full of
himself."
##I's leave off "You may know the type." IMO::
" . . .I sent off a letter to a certain young man:
very rich, very handsome,
very full of himself."
is more natural sounding.
"Kuno?"
"Kuno-chan only *wishes* he had this kind of
money." She
chuckled. "But as for me, *I* wish for my letter to
find its way to its
intended recipient, without being intercepted by the
servants that
screen his mail."
"Servants screen his mail?"
"Oh, yes. Hired by his father." Her expression
became serious,
almost intense. "It's a tough world out there, Ranma.
Loving parents
have to protect their son from unscrupulous
gold-diggers."
##I wouldn't think Nabiki would get "serious" with
Ranma. "Flippant" perhaps.
Also, IMO::
"Loving parents have to protect their children from .
. ."
OR
"His parents want to protect their son from . . ."
"I don't get it," he said. "Why bother going
out to dinner with
him? Why not just wish for him to give you money?"
"You probably wouldn't understand, Ranma." She
smiled
enigmatically, as if to say, I'm a puzzle; you'll
never figure me out.
##IMO this is too subtle for Ranma. I would think
Nabiki would
directly tell Ranma he's too dense to understand.
"Geez, just askin'." He stood up. There really
wasn't any need
to stay; the wish would work just as well with him
upstairs.
"Wait, Ranma," she said. He turned. She gazed
up at him, her
eyes full of a sympathy that he didn't believe for a
second. "Maybe I
am being a little unfair to you. Tell you what: I'll
give you a little
something to make up for it."
"Really? What?"
"I wish you had a martial arts trophy."
A statuette appeared in his hands, a
gi-wearing man of metal,
standing atop a wooden base. "Huh? What's this for?"
"It's for you, Ranma! Isn't this why you go
through all that
trouble to find new and better ways of beating people
up? So that you
can get things like this?"
"But... it's not MINE!"
"Sure it is! I'm giving it to you. It's a
freebie, even. You
don't owe me anything for it."
"But I didn't *defeat* anybody for it!"
"You sure you don't want it?"
Ranma nodded.
"Oh well. You had your chance! I wish it was
gone." She tapped
the trophy with her finger, and it popped out of
existence like a
punctured balloon.
Ranma picked up his manga and tried to
remember what page he'd
been on. No matter how hard he tried, there were some
people he'd
*never* understand.
##He's not the only one. I've read this bit several
times and I still
don't' understand it. Unless you're trying to portray
Nabiki
as cruel for the sake of being cruel. In which case
you're being
too subtle for _some_ readers. ^_^
***
"Is your foot well enough for you to walk
home?"
Akane turned. Dr. Tofu stood in front of his
clinic, the stone
overhang above shielding his head from the late
afternoon sun. "Oh, I'm
fine." She smiled. "It doesn't hurt at all anymore,
thanks to you,
Doctor."
"All right." He waved. "Take care, Akane."
Sighing, she walked on down the road. She
wasn't in the mood for
going home and eating leftovers; a bowl of noodles at
one of the local
diners by herself seemed more appealing. Maybe she
would just walk for
a while, and see where she ended up.
Her foot stung a little as it hit the ground,
the sensation
increasing with each step. Okay, so she had lied when
she'd said it
didn't hurt anymore. But it was fairly minor -- at
least compared to
the other pain she felt. The one that came when she
thought about Dr. Tofu,
and Kasumi, and herself. A chronic ailment, it flared
up when she
watched Tofu go into fits around Kasumi, knowing that
little Akane
Tendo would never, ever be able to inspire the same
reaction from him.
What good would telling the truth do? *Yes,
Doctor, I'm afraid
this patient seems to be suffering from acute
lovesickness, coupled
with terminal stupidity.* A psychomatic illness,
really. The only cure was
for her to simply to accept the truth -- that Doctor
Tofu loved her
sister, not her. No matter what she did, she'd never
see him go crazy
for her the way he did for Kasumi.
##Nice set-up. IMO it would be better if more
personal.
Example:: " . . .fits around Kasumi, knowing that she
would never, ever
be able to inspire the same reaction from him."
OTHO sometimes when I read "little Akane Tendo" it
does seem
natural. :(
Of course, that wasn't quite true. There were
no 'nevers,' not
## A little bit of a tongue twister.
<SNIP>
The sidewalk along which Akane was walking
came to an end as she
reached Shogyo Street. She turned right, and houses
and trees gave way
to rows of shops. Appalled at her own thoughts, Akane
stared sheepishly
at the passers-by, almost expecting them to chastise
her. How could she
even think of using a wish to control Tofu?
## "sheepishly" seems an odd word choice. And perhaps
"Tofu-sensei"?
Or "Dr Tofu"?
<SNIP>
"It is?"
"Yes, it is. And it's also free food."
"Well, when you put it *that* way...." Ranma
had to admit that
the thought of a big dinner at a really good
restaurant appealed to
him. What could it hurt? How much trouble could this
guy be anyhow? "Okay,
I'll go."
##Ranma caved a little fast on this one. Especially
since
it's Nabiki talking. A Nabiki that seems completely
w/o any
redeeming social or human values. She's pretty amoral
in the manga/anime,
but it's funnier. This just seems . . .well it reminds
me of Tennessee Williams
stuff. A grey, depressing, hopeless sort of existence.
Nabiki nodded, and took her hand off the
phone. "My cousin Ranko
will be happy to go with us," she said, returning to
her airhead
schoolgirl voice. "Oh, I'm so excited! See you soon,
Mr. Mendo."
She hung up the phone and ran her eyes across
Ranma.
"Right. Obviously, you can't go in your genie
outfit." She
looked thoughtful for a moment. "There was a dress I
was looking at
yesterday, two o'clock, at the store. I wish you were
wearing a copy of
that dress, sized to fit you exactly."
Ranma looked down at himself. A Chinese-style
dress had replaced
his usual costume. Glossy red with yellow trim, it
hugged his feminine
curves tightly, opening up below in leg-revealing
slits on both sides.
"That's better," Nabiki said. Ranma tried to
quell his
embarrassment with thoughts of how good that food was
going to taste.
"Now, I've got to go up and change my own clothes
before they get
here."
##Again, Ranma seems to have given in to this far too
easily.
And why doesn't Nabiki simply wish for a change for
herself?
She's already shown herself to be completely devoid of
morals,
scruples or decency. So I can't believe she'd refrain
simply because
Ranma had already given her the wish he owed her. The
only thing I
could come up with (with some help from friends) was
that Nabiki would
be afraid _that_ wish might be canceled by accident.
If that's the case it
might help to make it (or some other reason) more
explicit.
The phone rang.
Nabiki picked up the receiver. "Hello?" She
paused to listen.
"Yes, he is." Her head turned towards Ranma. "Yes, he
is. Want to talk
to him?" She held the reciever out toward him. "It's
Akane."
"Hello?" Ranma said into the phone.
"Ranma, there's something written on a piece
of paper in front
of me." Her voice sounded a little sheepish. "I wish
it would happen
the way it says."
##<baaaaaa> There's that darn sheep again. ^_^
<SNIP>
Her heart thundered in her chest. She couldn't
believe she'd
actually done it. There was only one thing to say now.
"Oh my!"
##Cute
***
<SNIP>
Moroboshi sprang forward and wrapped his arm
around Ranma's
waist. "By letting you get used to it!" Ranma's fists
began pounding on
him, but he held on with an iron grip.
##Cute.
***
<SNIP>
Tofu slapped himself on the forehead. Of
course. It was so
simple. When Kasumi had knocked on the door, he was
still half-asleep
from his nap. So, obviously, he'd dreamed about
walking downstairs and
letting her in before her second knock woke him up and
he actually did
it. He exhaled a long, relieved breath. Kasumi wasn't
teleporting
around, and he wasn't going crazy.
He opened the closet door to fetch a change of
clothes. From
inside, Kasumi looked up at him, smiling thinly.
Carefully, Tofu slid the door closed. He
paused for a few
seconds.
"KASUUUUMIII!"
##<BG>
***
<SNIP>
"Kasumi, it's... it's not like that!"
She stared at him with wide, attentive eyes.
"Like what?"
"Kasumi...." Tofu felt his face fluster. A
dull ache pounded at
the back of his skull. "I know that I... lose
control... when anyone
else sees the two of us together. But not when we're
alone!"
##???That's an odd affliction. It seems . .
.contrived?
<SNIP>
"Because if she heard you, she'd probably say
something like 'I
wish a frying pan would appear and strike you
forcefully over the
head.'"
A loud clang resounded through the restaurant.
##<BG>
***
<SNIP>
A quick wish later, Akane was back in Tofu's
bedroom, still
somewhat irritated at Ranma. Okay, so fooling him with
her Kasumi
disguise may have been a dirty thing to do. But why
did he have to be
so... immature? It was a simple question. Either he
liked her, or he
didn't. Why couldn't he just stop acting like a jerk
and tell her? Then
she could decide how she felt about him.
##Errrr, why did she wish herself BACK to Tofu's when
she'd just been
praying to get out of there?
<SNIP>
Maybe she should've just wished herself home,
or at least
outside. But what would happen when Ranma went back to
male form? She
wasn't quite sure how that worked. Popping back into
Tofu's bedroom in
the middle of the night would be just a little
difficult to explain,
especially when she wouldn't be disguised.
##Ummm, this could be a little complicated. She was
wished
from Tofu > Restaurant. Then wished:
Restaurant > Tofu
If the wishes all vanish when Ranko turns back to
Ranma
then Akane should bounce first from Tofu>Restaurant
then back to Tofu. But wouldn't that hold true even if
she
leaves by the door or window? If she leaves now,
even if she goes home, as soon as Ranko becomes Ranma
then
Akane is going to end up back in Tofu's closet no
matter where
she is when the wish is canceled or how she got there.
That is, if Akane wished she were in Hong Kong while
standing
in her bedroom, the wish vanishes when Ranko turns
back to Ranma.
However doesn't Akane return to her original state?
Back to her own bedroom
(Which is what I thought happened) Therefore I would
think that
the ONLY way Akane could actually get out of Tofu's
closet would
be _after_ the wishes were canceled, returning her to
her neutral state.
##<eeeeeeee> I think I hurt myself trying to figure
this out.
*Some genie you are, Ranma,* she thought to
herself. *Here I go
and make a wish, and it brings nothing but trouble.* A
tiny voice
inside
her told her that from all the legends, wishes leading
to nothing but
trouble was pretty normal for genies; she did her best
to ignore it.
##Actually Aladin did pretty well other than having
the lamp
stolen that time. Other than that he was a LOT better
off
with the wishes.
<SNIP>
An inner voice scolded Akane. *Next time you
use your genie, I
expect you to do it in a responsible manner, young
lady.*
##LOL. Now THAT's funny.
<SNIP>
Overall: I found this episode very depressing. As
ususal it was
well written but . . .
1)Nabiki was so thoroughly nasty that I didn't want to
read
about her.
2)Tofu was in real pain. There were some classic
slap-stick setups.
But it wasn't funny to me since he seemed to be in
such pain.
3)Akane would have been funnier, IMO, if her troubles
had
come about by accident. If, for instance, she'd wished
that Tofu
could see her the way he saw her sister. This was much
too deliberately
an attempt to do something really nasty to be funny OR
to feel
much sympathy. At the end she appears to be as nasty
as Nabiki.
4)Ranma: again some potentially VERY funny bits. On
the whole
the humor seemed rather forced.
Everyone seems extremely selfish, self-centered and
uncaring. IMO if the set-up were changed so that the
events were
cause by _accident_ it would be much lighter and
funnier.
OTOH you might have been trying for a serious tone.
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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