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DISCLAIMER: Yuriko Takahashi did *not* create "Ranma 1/2".
It was *Rumiko*.
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Ranma 1/2: "Our Wedding Day" pt. 10
by Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
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The next morning was a bleary, warm day in Nerima. Ryoga and
Shampoo went about their duties at the Nekohanten, more
playful than usual - a squeeze here or a kiss there (some of
the squeezes more intimate than others, which bothered
Shampoo not at all).
Conditioner was settling into his new playpen, but insisting
he wanted to be with his Shampoo-mama.
Shampoo had a feeling something happened last night.
Something powerful. As Matriarch of the Fourth Village
(population of four, but you gotta start somewhere), it was
her duty to find out.
"{Conditioner want to ride with Mama while she delivers
orders?}" she asked the infant.
He laughed. Ryoga had to admit the kid was pretty smart; he
recognized words and tones and associated them with certain
activities. Kinda like the dog his grandfather had given
them - 'daddy' always meant Ichiro, 'brother' was always
Ryoga, and 'mama' was always Ichiko. His mother insisted.
When she was around.
Ryoga thought about his mother, trying to pull up a mental
picture of her. She was always a hazy figure in his mind,
his father was clearer. He wondered if his mother would
approve of Shampoo as his fiancee and future wife.
"[Darling, are the orders ready?}" Shampoo asked.
"Yeah."
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranko and Akane both entered the laundry room, carrying
bundles of soiled clothing and bedding.
Akane smirked. "Did you enjoy yourself, kitten?" she asked,
using the endearment Tofu had given her.
Ranko blushed and replied, "*You* should talk, sweetie-pie."
Both giggled as they threw their loads into the washer.
Nabiki appeared, humming to herself. She had her own load in
her arms.
"Good morning, dear sisters," she chuckled.
Ranko and Akane blinked, afraid to ask. "Biki, did you -"
"She couldn't have!"
"Not with Sasuke!"
Nabiki turned to both and stuck her tongue out. "No; as a
matter of fact, I had his former employer in my bed last
night."
"You're not serious!" Ranko giggled. "It came true?"
"Hold the phone!" Akane squealed. "What are you two talking
about?"
"Come see," Nabiki grinned, taking them by their wrists and
out into the hall.
Ranma appeared out of his bedroom and followed the girls to
see what was going on.
Ranko, Akane, Ranma, and Nabiki peeked into the latter's
room, seeing the results of a ravishment.
Kuno was passed out, his tongue hanging out of his mouth,
his boxers draped over the desk lamp and his shirt with the
naughty slogan tied up around his armpits.
"Is he dead?" Akane whispered.
"How are we going to get rid of the body?" Ranko asked.
"Ewww," Ranma commented. "You didn't use that stupid bokken,
did you?"
Nabiki looked at him blankly. "What bokken?"
Akane plugged her fingers into her ears. "I don't want to
know!"
"Take a bath," Ranko wrinkled her nose. "You stink."
"And you ain't a bush of roses, either, toots," Nabiki
replied. "Did the doctor survive?"
"Never mind!" Ranma interjected. "What are we gonna do about
*him*??"
Nabiki shrugged. "Who cares? I got mine." She smirked. "No
thanks to him - didn't seem to recognize anything."
Ranma banged his head into a wall. "I'm going to the dojo!"
The girls giggled.
"Ugh, my back," Nodoka moaned as she entered the bathroom.
"Sorry to have kept you up all night, Nodoka-san," Sasuke
added, continuing down the hall to his room.
"No, I shouldn't have insisted on playing so long," she
replied.
All four proceeded to facefault in the hallway.
"I didn't hear that," Akane decided.
"She's your mother-in-law," Nabiki stated.
"I feel the shame!" Ranko cried, dropping to her knees and
looking to the heavens.
Ranma decided the fastest way to the dojo was to jump out a
window. Screaming.
"Men can't handle anything," Nabiki observed. "Let's check
on the redhead's man."
"Hey!" Ranko said, following the sisters to her room.
Nabiki inched the door open and three heads looked in.
"Sleeping like the dead," Akane said. "Good job, Ko-chan.
Couldn't have done better myself."
The redhead matched her hair color. She mumbled a 'thanks'.
"He's still breathing," Nabiki added. "Not too good."
"Shush," Akane told her as Nabiki went downstairs. "Ko-chan,
I'm so glad you and Tofu-san are together again."
Ranko sobered and became expressionless. "It was just sex.
Nothing else."
"Excuse me, but 'bullshit'," Akane said. "He loves you,
despite his stupid behavior. I know you love him - you're
too much like Ranma to 'just have sex'."
"Yes, I do love him," Ranko replied. "Yet, it's a matter of
principle now. But I'm not going to be a door mat for any
man." She sighed, leaning her head against the door frame.
"Not all men are Niichan, Akane. Despite his lack of common
sense, he always thought of you first and tried to protect
you. Even though it meant ruining his reputation and even
put him in danger, he threw it all away for you."
Akane nodded. "And I abused him for it. I'm sorry I didn't
recognize it earlier."
"Little ways, oneechan," Ranko reminded her. "I just wish
... I could find someone like Ranma in that way. I was
hoping Ono would be The One; guess I'll have to wait and see
what happens."
Internally, Akane yelled, <Are you CRAZY, you incestuous
hussy?? For God's sake, take the doc!!>
Akane smiled and put a hand on Ranko's shoulder. "I guess
that's all you can do. Please, give him a chance. I know you
two were happy together. I know you will be again."
"Thanks for having faith when I don't," Ranko hugged her.
"Niichan is a lucky guy to have you for a wife."
Akane smiled. "Arigato. Let's take a bath, we're all wiff."
* * * * * * * * * *
Ono Tofu felt consciousness enter his dreams, changing them
to thoughts. His dream blended into a thought of pinning his
little red tart to a mattress and ...
Awareness descended upon him.
Magic.
The room stank of it.
"WHO DID THIS?!?"
The yell was punctuated by an incoherent blast of force,
demolishing part of the ceiling. His love for Ko-chan, his
First Time with her, had been ... tainted! Warped!
"SOMEONE'S GOING TO PAY FOR THIS!!"
Everyone in the house rolled their eyes and headed for
Ranko's room; having had to rush to some yell or other so
often the past few days had exhausted their Surprised Panic
quota.
"What's up, doc?" Nabiki said casually, trying to make the
doctor relax.
Everyone else (Ranko especially) was busy being terrified of
Tofu's aura, part battle-aura and part Something Else - a
Something that appeared to be *looking* at them ...
"Think we can use Kuno as a blast shield?" Akane suggested.
"That thick head of his should stop anything!"
Ranko considered it for a second.
"Magic!" Tofu yelled. "This whole room stinks of magic!"
"You can smell it over all the hormones?" Nabiki commented.
The martial artists among the witnesses managed to see the
doctor's Third Eye open and look about the room. Since it
was a psychic phenomenon, Nabiki and Nodoka and Sasuke saw
nothing.
"A spell was cast," Tofu snarled. "A powerful spell of
suggestion. Designed to create lust."
Everybody was stunned.
"Is that why everyone was shagging like rutting minks last
night?" Sasuke asked.
"Quite disgraceful," Nodoka commented.
Ranko walloped the small ninja. "Who are you two to talk,
you pervs??"
Nodoka and Sasuke looked blankly at Ranko.
Tofu dismissed this with a wave. "Most magic generates a
corona - a 'splatter', if you will. But since most spells
are cast at close range, this effect is minimal." He pushed
past the crowd at the door and went into the hall. "The
corona here was enormous - covering the whole upper floor!
*Anyone* who was up here last night would have been almost
*forced* to have sex!"
Akane's, Nabiki's, and Ranko's eyes got real big. "KASUMI!!"
They all rushed to Kasumi's room ... which was empty.
"Oh no!" Akane exclaimed. "Poor innocent Kasumi was
overwhelmed and ran out into the night! The Gods alone know
what depraved hentai got ahold of her -"
"Yeah - like her boyfriend," Nabiki chuckled.
"Nabiki!" Ranko snapped. "This is serious! Somebody cast a
spell on our house, and Kasumi's missing!"
"Not to mention Doc Tofu's running around as naked as the
day he was hatched," Nabiki pointed out. "And after spending
last night with 'Stick-Boy', I do appreciate it."
Everyone looked at Tofu. Tofu looked down at himself,
blushed, and dashed back to Ranko's room for his clothes.
"He's no Ichiro," Nodoka said.
"No Ranma either," Akane said.
"He's nice," Ranko said proudly, "but my body's better."
Everyone looked at her strangely.
"When I'm a guy!"
Sasuke went to his room to break out his emergency ration of
tequila.
* * * * * * * * * *
Shampoo bounced the Bicycle of Death off the rooftops,
making her early-morning deliveries of Chinese breakfasts to
the night-watchmen, late-night businesses, and insomniacs of
Nerima. Her baby was nestled against her bosom, her man
awaited her at home, and all was right with the world.
The Bicycle of Death made a perfect two-point landing on the
road, preparing to head into Lo-Wan's All-Night Social Club
(nudge-nudge, wink-wink) and Off-Track Betting Parlor
(unliscensed - except by the Yakuza) when a loud bang
heralded a cloud of smoke billowing around her.
By reflex, Shampoo yanked up on the B.o.D.'s handlebars as
she kicked off the ground, sending the bicycle straight up
in a backward somersault.
Several figures leapt into the cloud, expecting to tackle a
bicycle-riding Amazon, but instead ramming into each other.
As the smoke cleared, the figures of several rather portly
ninjas became visible, all lying in a pile - with Shampoo
and the B.o.D. perched atop the pile.
She shook her head. "Stupid ninjas! Make Shampoo late for
delivery!"
"Goo," added Conditioner, shaking his little fist.
About a dozen figures in trenchcoats leapt out of the alleys
and surrounded Shampoo.
"If stupid mans want delivery, be disappointed. Just steam
rolls."
The figures cast off their trenchcoats, revealing themselves
as ninjas. Rather chubby ninjas.
Shampoo rolled her eyes. "This just stupid," she muttered.
They struck various battle poses and pulled out nunchakus,
shurikens, and assorted other weaponry.
The Amazon shrugged. "Stupid ninjas want trouble, stupid
ninjas get trouble."
Two of the large ninjas leapt to the attack, only to be
smashed into the pavement by a one-two bonbori assault.
"Excuse Shampoo moment," she said.
Shampoo backflipped up and over the ninjas behind her,
ending up in a nearby doorway.
She took off the baby-carrier and put it against the door.
"[Mommy has to do Horrid Things to the stupid ninjas, so you
stay here and watch Mommy, okay?]"
Conditioner gurgled happily.
Shampoo flipped backwards, executing a perfect handstand and
kicking a ninja behind her in the face.
"Be careful!" she snapped. "Might hurt baby!"
The door behind the baby opened and a man stepped out.
Picking up the child, he smiled at the innocent face.
"Well, Grandson - we meet again."
Ichiro Hibiki looked out at the Ninjas-Vs-Amazon duel in the
street. Shampoo held her own easily, but she was outnumbered
twelve to one, and they were absorbing her best shots with
only minor discomfort.
"Hmmm," he said appraisingly.
Shampoo was getting frustrated. Her attacks were aimed at
sensetive areas, designed to knock out the toughest
opponents, but the seemed to be having only minimal effect.
Her opponents were knocked back, disoriented, but they were
all still up. What was worse, the original group was
recovering and joining in!
As she assessed the best route for a tactical withdrawl
(Amazon Secret Technique - adapted from the Saotome Secret
Technique), several ninjas were knocked aside.
"Hello, Shampoo-chan," Ichiro greeted her, the baby in the
crook of one arm.
"[Hello, my future father-in-law,]" she greeted him while
spin-kicking another ninja. "[What brings you by?]"
Ichiro's free hand snapped out, catching two ninjas in their
throats. "[I was speaking to a customer who lives near here,
and I saw you.]" He leapt straight up, kicked the four
ninjas behind him in the face, and landed on both feet.
"[You seemed to be having some difficulty.]"
Shampoo nodded. "[They do seem to be rather bothersome. And
it's slowing down my delivery schedule.]"
A manriki-gusari arced toward Ichiro's head, which he caught
with one hand. A snap of his wrist, and the weapon was
yanked from it's owner's grasp.
"[Well, we can't have that,]" Ichiro said firmly.
The manriki-gusari snapped out like a bullwhip, the end of
it blurring with speed, smashing into the skulls of all the
ninjas.
Ichiro jerked at the weapon, making the entire three-meter
length coil around his wrist. As it did, all of the ninjas
hit the ground simultaneously.
Shampoo piku-piku'ed at the sight. "[Uh ... not bad,]" she
understated.
"[Thank you,]" he said, smiling. "[Unfortunately, I don't
have as much time to practice the Art as I once did. I'm
somewhat rusty.]"
Ichiro handed the baby back to Shampoo, then he bent down
and pulled off a ninja's mask.
"[This is unusual,]" he said.
Shampoo bent over to see what he was talking about.
The ninja in question ... was a giant pig in a ninja suit.
* * * * * * * * * *
Kasumi was bustling in the kitchen, humming to herself as
she went about making breakfast. Several heads appeared in
the doorway, watching her closely.
"Oh, good morning, everyone!" she greeted them. "Breakfast
will be ready in a few minutes. I'm sorry I'm late this
morning."
"Where were you, oneechan??" Akane ran in and hugged her
around the waist.
"More importantly," Nabiki stated. "Who were you with?"
Kasumi chuckled. "Oh, the vegetable man and some of the fish
mongers and that nice check-out boy at the market -"
"AAARRRRGGHHH!" the girls cried. "Poor Kasumi!"
Akane squeezed her sister tight. "Don't worry, Oneechan!
We'll get vengeance! I swear it!"
"What?" she asked blankly. "I went to the market early this
morning to shop for more food. Am I correct that Auntie
Nodoka and Tofu-sensei will be staying for breakfast?"
"Uh," Ranko said. "You didn't run out and -"
"- get raped by some pervert?" Akane finished.
"Or rape some pervert yourself?" Nabiki added.
"Oh my! Of course not!" Kasumi replied, blushing. "Whatever
gave you that idea?"
"I'll explain it to you," Ranko said.
The rest retreated to the dining room or upstairs. The
dining room was a mess with empty glasses and a half-eaten
bowl of popcorn on the table with playing cards scattered
everywhere.
"Sasuke-san and I were playing cards in here last night,"
Nodoka informed Nabiki. "We fell asleep on the floor."
"And now the backaches," the ninja added. "I'm getting too
old to catch up with these kids."
"Oh, Sasuke," Nabiki chuckled. "A pervert found his way in
my room. Can you get rid of Kuno-Baby?"
Sasuke sighed. "Yes, Nabiki-sama," he answered, pulling on
rubber gloves.
Nodoka leaned close to Nabiki. "Sasuke's a nice man, but I
still think he's a bit old for you."
Nabiki opened her mouth to reply, but thought better of it.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranma, being terminally embarassed, had taken a jog around
Nerima. When he got back and saw that part of the roof was
missing, he immediately panicked.
After Akane explained to Ranma what had happened, he went
from 'panicked' to 'disembowel somebody'. Akane spent most
of the time until breakfast was ready trying to calm him
down (his battle-aura being strong enough to damage the dojo
all by itself).
"Who did this?? And why??"
"That's what Doctor Tofu's trying to find out, anata. Please
calm down or I'll have to throw you in the pond again!"
"We already know who did it," he snarled. "The doc's loony
ex-girlfriend."
Akane was puzzled. "Why her?"
"She knows magic. She was trying to get the doc, and got us
instead."
Akane nodded. "Makes sense."
"We find her - and POW!" he snapped, punching empty air. The
air pressure of the punch knocked a hole in the wall.
"She taught Doctor Tofu magic," Akane pointed out, "and
we've seen him in action. Ina's probably better."
"The doc can help," Ranma said.
"He's terrified of her, remember? He spent most of last
night hiding in our laundry hamper."
Ranma looked surprised at the thought of anyone being afraid
like that, then nodded. "Okay. But I'm still gonna hurt
her!"
She nodded. "So am I. Because of that spell, my sister had
sex with *Kuno*! Yeck!"
They both shivered.
* * * * * * * * * *
Doctor Tofu sat outside, absently throwing pebbles into the
koi pond as he dwelled on last night.
Her love for him wasn't real. Her need for him to be her
First wasn't real.
It was forced. Only because he was in the room, he was able
to sate the appetite of a lust spell. If it were Ranma there
instead of him, it wouldn't have mattered, either. Ranko
admitted she wouldn't mind a round or two between the sheets
with her diploid twin, and Tofu found himself jealous of
that. He never thought he'd find himself jealous at all.
Strange feeling.
"Hey, Ono-sweetie," a familiar sultry voice lilted next to
him.
He turned, finding Eryala with a box of half-eaten popcorn.
She smiled warmly at him, her limeade-green eyes dancing
with joy.
"You did this, didn't you?" he asked her half-heartedly.
"Nope," she replied, darting her sharp tongue out to lick
her lips. "I wish I did; it'd get me a hell of a promotion.
So to speak."
"So to speak," he repeated. "Any idea who did it, then?"
"Someone pretty powerful. Old, too, if their experience with
cloaking is any indication. Wish I knew who, I'd shake their
hand and ask for apprenticeship."
"Egaaahhh," Tofu rubbed his face with his hand. "I want to
kill the bastard for making a mockery of a sacred act. This
was my First with her!"
"And her very First as well; poor Ono-sweetie!" she cried,
hugging him with all her limbs.
"Will you stop it? This is serious!" he stated as he pushed
her away.
She picked popcorn kernels out of his hair. "I am being
serious. But I know a woman's heart better than you do, O
Studious One. She loves you deeply. That's why you're not
dead now."
He thought about it. "You're right; she'd kill me after what
happened last night."
"Exactly," she conceded. "Now, why are you beating yourself
silly over it?"
"It hurts, Eryala, it hurts. The one girl I can finally love
with all my soul, and I blow it."
"Oh, the little Dominatrix," the succubus giggled. "Nothing
like the present to take care of such things. Shall I ... "
"No," he replied. "I'll have to do it."
The red-skinned demon kissed him gently, tracing a long
black nail down his throat. "You're sweet. I'm tempted to
drag you off for my own."
She raised her arms and smiled at him coyly as she vanished
in a flash of light fade. He glanced into her shadow and
drew back, not wanting to be drawn in. Again.
Tofu sat up and meditated, tasting the residual magic from
the second floor of the Saotome house. Sometimes a caster's
aura was mixed into the spell to make it more powerful.
Eryala was right, it reeked of an older being. Foreign, not
of Japan. Powerful and even reckless; the corona effect had
to have been from a great distance, and the greatest
concentration of residue was in Ko-chan's room and Ranma and
Akane's room. But that would mean ...
His eyes snapped open.
Only one thing to do.
First, some wards around the Saotome house ...
Then a little talk with Shampoo, to find some information.
* * * * * * * * * *
The Yasakuni Shrine is the holiest place in the Shinto
religion. Emperors are sent to the afterlife through its
portals. Tradition says that the souls of those destined to
be reborn as gods pass into the Spirit Realm through the
Yasakuni Shrine.
This morning, those paying respects to the gods and
ancestors were treated to a unique spectacle.
In mid-air, a crackle of energy formed, then expanded and
swirled, forming a disc-like vortex in the air.
A clap of thunder, a flash of light, and horror emerged from
the vortex.
The priests and worshippers looked on in shock as the
strange being oriented itself and looked around.
She sniffed the air.
"I smell food!" she cried, running toward the door.
A few minutes later, the owners of several yatais looked on
in shock as the tiny girl demolished their entire food
supplies - and in more shock at the shiny gold coins she
offered in payment.
"Hadn't seen anyone eat like that outside of Nerima," one of
them commented.
"Where's that?" she asked.
They started giving directions, but she waved them to
silence.
"Which direction?"
They pointed.
With a cry of "RAYWING!", the orange-red-haired girl flew
into the sky.
Lina Inverse had arrived in Tokyo.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.