For a change, PUBLIC C&C.
First off this is not a crossover or fusion with Those Who Hunt Elves. This
title just happened to be the most appropriate for the fic.
Aww, but that would have been funny too.
Second. I know it's been a while since I posted something (for me, anyway),
just been way too busy, then obsessed with getting this finished. It's a
tad different from what I usually write, but I'm hoping it'll work and
you'll enjoy it. With any luck I'll hopefully be getting back on the C+C
bandwagon soon.
Third: Here's the fic
Prologue
Akane stretched her hands towards the ceiling as she finished putting on
her dress. She paused a moment to examine herself in a mirror. Not the best
she had ever looked, but not bad either. Satisfied with the results, she
exited her bedroom and headed downstairs to see if Kasumi had finished
making breakfast already. She was humming a little tune to herself, and had
just reached the bottom step, when loud noises coming from the direction of
the Saotomes' bedroom caught her attention. Unable to tell what the source
of the disturbance was, she braced herself for the worst and made a detour
towards the room. Just as she turned the corner, she saw that both Nabiki
and Kasumi were already standing next to the open doorway. Kasumi seemed
concerned while Nabiki appeared apathetic about something that was going on
inside the room.
I'd suggest breaking this up a bit. While more or less fine as it is,
these huge block paragraphs are a bit annoying to read.
As Akane approached the doorway, she heard the sounds of Ranma complaining,
"Knock it off, Pop! I don't wanna get up."
Genma's retort of, "Foolish boy. Be a man about this," was easily heard
from Akane's position next to the door.
Poking her head around the corner, Akane looked into the room. Ranma, still
dressed in boxers and a red tee-shirt, was clinging desperately to the
floor. His blankets were wrapped around his midsection and his pillow
clenched in his teeth. Genma had his son by the ankles and was apparently
trying to force him to release the deathgrip he had secured with the
flooring.
Ah, yes. Reminds me of trying to drag a dog to the vet for castration.
It's simply amazing how they -know- what you have planned. Wonder if this
applies here?
"What's going on?" Akane asked.
The interruption made Genma pause in his efforts. "Ranma here says he
doesn't want to wake up and greet the day." He returned his attention to
his son. "The boy needs to get up and face the day's challenges like a
man."
As opposed to a panda?
"No way!" Ranma insisted as the pillow dropped from his teeth. "I knew as
soon as I woke up it was going to be one of 'those' days. A really bad one,
and I don't wanna have to deal with it. It's Saturday. I want the day off."
I was under the impression that Japanese students have to go to school on
Saturday. And yes, Ranma is finally using his instincts. Maybe, just
maybe, one day he'll use his entire brain... Nah.
Akane sighed. It was up to her to resolve the situation. She entered the
room and snatched Ranma's ankles away Genma. "Quit being childish, Ranma.
You can't see the future and you can't stay in bed all day. Now come on.
Let's go eat breakfast."
Are you cooking? If so I'm DEFINITELY staying in bed!
Akane began pulling on Ranma's legs, having much more success than Genma.
Using brute strength alone, she forced Ranma to move, the boy leaving
behind grooves in the flooring that were molded in the shape of his fingers
as he desperately tried to stay where he was. It was to no avail as he
found himself slowly dragged from the room.
Cute.
"A cute fiancee wouldn't make me do this," Ranma protested as Nabiki moved
her leg calmly away from his attempt to grasp it.
"It's a good thing I'm an uncute fiancee then. You're getting up and going
to breakfast," Akane growled in agitation as dragged the reluctant Ranma to
the breakfast table.
I liked this. Akane doesn't fly off the handle -every- time Ranma
insults her.
Ranma looked at the people left behind in the hall. "Remember, no matter
what happens today, it's not my fault! I didn't want to get up!" Those were
his last words as he was dragged around the corner and out of sight.
You'll be blamed anyway.
"The boy's just being lazy," Genma said with more than a hint of doubt in
his voice.
"Do you think we should prepare for the worst?" Kasumi asked. She wondered
if she should make some extra food, since trouble frequently meant someone
would be dropping by the house for a visit.
Quick! Into the emergency anti-fiancee bomb shelter!
"I know I'll be," Nabiki said. "That's why I'm going to be sleeping over at
a friend's house. I'll be leaving as soon as I'm packed, which should be in
about five minutes."
Shoot, you'd think she wasn't worried at all.
Genma wondered if he should hide... err, sleep over at a friend's house as
well before remembering that was essentially what he was already doing.
Well, there was always the possibility of getting some cold water and
hiding out in the panda pens at the zoo for a couple of days. It was a
sound plan, and they had all the bamboo one could eat. Sometimes the
visiting children would even toss marshmallows at him. Not a bad deal,
really.
Sounds nice to me.
As the trio considered their options, Ranma's cries of, "No one's sticking
me with this one!" echoed throughout the house.
Denial. The ugliest stage. Remember, acceptance is the path to a cure.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Mindless Tripe Productions proudly presents:
Those Who Hunt Ninjas
(Not a fusion or crossover with Those Who Hunt Elves. Any similarities
between the two names is purely coincidental)
(Really)
Any and all C+C appreciated. You can contact me at:
sommer@3rdm.net
Standard Disclaimer:
I disclaim I own any of the Ranma Characters.
All of my stuff is now stored at:
http://angcobra.jumpfun.com/dbsommer.html
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The stone walls of the corridors of the ancient keep were mottled green
with a fungus that gave off a revolting aroma that made Mai's nose cringe.
The smell vaguely reminded her of rotting fish mixed with sulfur, or what
the bathroom was like the day after Tai had eaten Mexican food and downed a
keg of beer. The smell of Mai's own burning flesh would have been
preferable to putting up with either one's noxious odors.
Kinky.
And thinking of burning flesh, she ducked as burning arrows shot out from
murder holes in the walls that were cleverly concealed by the growth of
fungus. That explained the run down state of this section of the keep; the
better to catch one off-guard with.
Mai tucked and rolled too fast for the hidden archers to track her. As she
came out of her somersaults, having made it well past the murder holes, she
leaped up into the air. She was almost high enough to touch the ceiling of
the passageway; a necessary thing when wanted to avoid the section of
flooring that gave way to reveal a pit with a numerous set of deadly,
sharpened wooden stakes lining the bottom.
Mai yawned in mid-air.
It was about here I thought that this was the Mai from Fatal Fury.
As Mai landed deftly upon the other side, the teenage girl took an
inventory of her uniform. The standard night black ninja outfit hadn't even
suffered a snag. That was for the best, since she unilaterally detested
sewing necessary repairs to any of her garments.
Oooh, unilaterally! Well, that's different then init it?
She continued to advance up the corridor, now running in a sprint. Upon
turning the corner, she found herself confronted by a huge Bengal tiger. A
large stream of saliva dripped from its jaws as it roared in hunger in her
direction.
Sprayed maybe?
A tiger, how utterly original. Not. As she continued running, Mai reached
into her outfit and came out with a huge piece of raw meat. She tossed it
to the tiger, who caught it in mid-air and ravenously began to devour it.
Mai gave the large feline a soft pat as she raced past.
The corridor seemed to be getting noticeably warmer. Mai was trying to
figure out what that might forebode when three ninjas, all much larger than
her, seemed to flow out of the very stones ahead of her. The ninjas were
spaced evenly at ten feet apart from one other. The first had a large
katana drawn, the second had a sickle with a long, weighted chain attached
to the handle, and the third held a variety of throwing stars between the
fingers of both his hands.
Without breaking stride, Mai ducked under a swing from the first man and
lashed out with a palm thrust to his throat, downing him in one blow. The
second had already begun spinning the weighted chain around and hurled it
at her, intending to tangle up her legs. Instead, Mai snatched the chain
and kept running forward, again without breaking stride. The second ninja
drew back in shock at the display of coordination and agility. That proved
to be his undoing as in a blur, Mai whirled the chain in her hand and
released it, wrapping up the ninja's legs in his own weapon. She ran past
and jerked, causing the man to fall face forward. The sound of his jaw
cracked loudly with the impact it made on the cold gray floor.
His jaw cracked loudly with...
The third ninja released over a dozen throwing stars in Mai's direction.
Every one of them headed right on target: directly for the teenage girl.
Effortlessly, she snatched each one of the weapons out of mid-air and made
a pile of them in her hands. She then lightly tossed them in a heap next to
the third ninja's feet as she ran past.
"No need to thank me," Mai shouted as she looked over her shoulder towards
the motionless man. "I know those things are expensive to replace."
The sounds of a string of colorful curses about her ancestry and which
barnyard animals were mixed in with it grew fainter as she continued
running at top speed through the complex.
Really, not that many people have female dogs in their family tree.
The corridor continued to grow warmer until Mai found herself sweating
under her outfit. At last, she could see the corridor widen up ahead, a
bright red glow emanating from that direction. She was almost to her goal.
As Mai entered the huge room in the center of the keep, she noted that it
was the size of a large cavern. Instead of a floor that she could walk
across, she found herself standing at the edge of a precipice, with the
corridor behind her the only way off the protrusion. Looking over the edge
of the precipice to the bottom thirty feet below, she saw the entire
chamber was covered in a pool of molten lava: the source of the increasing
heat. A series of small, narrow rocks dotting the chamber 'floor' rose a
foot or so above the surface of the lava. From each rock was a thirty foot
bamboo pole sticking upward, one pole to a rock.
Expensive. Rock is pretty hard to melt in any quantity.
Across the room, at the far side directly opposite Mai, was another ledge
with a ninja standing upon it. His arms were crossed as if in expectation
of something. From where Mai stood, she could just make out a white line
four feet in front of him and only two feet from the edge. Even with nearly
a hundred feet between them, she could feel the smirk that lay underneath
his face mask. She was going relish the opportunity to wipe it off him.
Just so long as he remained exactly where he was.
"Oh, this is sooo clich�," Mai wailed as she mentally plotted the course
necessary to leap across the bamboo poles and to the far side. It took her
ninja-like mind less than two seconds to choose the most direct course. She
leaped, aiming for the nearest pole and mentally tallied the seconds until
she would reach the far side and confront the final ninja, face-to-face.
As Mai reached the apex of her leap, right on target with the first bamboo
stalk, a six inch spike of metal shot up from the top of the bamboo.
>From across the chamber, the male ninja bellowed with a deep, sonorous
laugh. "Ha, ha, ha, you're finished now!"
-_- Hasn't this guy ever seen any ninja movies?
In response, Mai twisted in mid-air, making her plunge face first towards
the pole instead of feet first. Just as she was poised directly above the
spike, her face no more than six inches away, she lashed out with her hands
and grabbed onto the portion of the bamboo below the sharpened piece of
metal. It took a great deal of muscle, but she managed to arrest her
decent. By the time she had stopped her falling motion, her face was no
more than three inches away from the point of the spike.
And then, this move having been anticipated, the spike shoots out another
six inches.
Mai looked up and recalculated the distance to the next pole. Using arm
muscle alone, she bent her elbows ever so slightly and pushed off,
executing a high leap and repeating what she had done with the previous
bamboo stalk. Ten such movements later, she had covered the distance to the
ledge across the room, landing with feline grace on her feet and balling
into a crouch a foot across the white line.
Slowly, Mai came out of her crouch and confronted the man before her. She
could feel the flow of anger, directed at her, emanating from him; it was a
palpable sensation. The man remained motionless as Mai placed her hand
slowly into her outfit, her eyes never leaving the figure for a second.
>From within the confines of her ninja uniform, she pulled out a small item.
She looked at it for only a moment, then her hand was a blur as she thrust
the silver object directly at his face.
"Four minutes and twenty three seconds. That beats the best time for
completing the course by more than thirty seconds. What do you have to say
to that?"
Heh, I kind of expected this.
"ARGHHH!"
"Oh, that's right. That was your record, Granduncle," Mai said in all
sincerity, then placed the stopwatch back in her outfit. She began laughing
and giggling, just like a five year old that had been told she'd been given
a lifetime supply of A.M. Phetamine's 'Hyper Concentrated Pure Sugar
Sticks'.
TM. And they taste like crap.
Bouncing up and down and clapping her hand, she began chanting, "I
get to be a ninja. I get to be a ninja. I get-"
"You idiot!" the man shouted. "Don't stop on the finish line!"
"What are you talking abOWW!" Mai shouted in pain as two other figures
landed on her back, causing all three to end up in a tangle of twisted
limbs. Little mews and feminine cries of pain began to emanate from all
three of the figures.
Hehheh. Didn't see this one.
For several moments, the ninja grandmaster, Takeo Yurisoka, considered
kicking all three of his grandnieces into the lava. After all, would anyone
really miss them? And it would do so much to lower the increasingly high
amounts of stress he had been suffering from since the girls had become
students under his tutelage. His physician had been telling him to do
something about his high blood pressure, and that single act alone would
cut it at least in half.
Hmm, maybe, act would probably cut it in half.
But no, they were flesh of his flesh, blood of his blood. It was wrong.
Besides, their mother, his niece, Kanuka, was more than capable of carving
him into briquettes with that katana she had a tendency to carry around
with her wherever she went. And for some odd reason, she was quite attached
to the annoying little rugrats. No. He supposed deliberately killing his
grandnieces in a non-ninja related activity was out of the question.
The three teenage girls detached themselves from the pile and saluted him
as though he were a drill sergeant. Takeo trembled in rage. "You don't
salute! You bow, you idiots!"
All three girls bowed, their arms still raised to their brows the entire
time. Not trying to kick them in the lava was becoming more difficult by
the second.
Heh.
It took Takeo a moment to regain control of his emotions. He carefully
examined each of the girls. Mai, Tai, and *shudder* Bobbie Joe (oh how he
loathed his idiot niece for giving the girl that stupid gaijin name.) At
least everyone just called her B.J., but even then, that led to some pretty
vulgar jokes for which she would continually beat people up.
Vulgar jokes? Do tell, that's a new one for me. My Mom's nickname is
BJ.
They were
triplets, but fraternal rather than identical. It was a nearly unheard of
thing, but infinitely better than if they had been physical carbon copies
of one another. Though it was not as if they weren't as uncontrollable as a
monsoon already.
Mai, the de facto leader of the sisters (due to her being oldest), was the
most normally dressed of the trio, electing to wear a standard full body
ninja outfit, colored in black. Of course, she more than made up for any
displays of normalcy in her garb with personality defects. Little things,
like being oblivious to stepping on people's feelings, completely missing
the point of a discussion, and jumping to the wrong conclusion with as
little as half a fact, made tolerating her a true test of intestinal
fortitude. And the worst part was, she was probably the smartest of the
girls.
And then there was the little problem with Mai's breast size, namely being
so flat-chested that she was sometimes mistaken for a boy. She was
physically as attractive as her sisters, save for the fact it was in such
as way that one could confuse her with being male. Bishonen; that was the
term for it. She had very bishonen features, which was something she had a
tendency to lose her temper over whenever anyone felt compelled to point
that fact out to her.
Her sister, Tai, was exactly the opposite. The girl was voluptuous, with
enormous breasts that she insisted on showing off as much and as often as
she could.
So enduring her was more a matter of testicular fortitude?
To that end she tended to wear very risqu� clothing. Today she
was wearing a bright pink outfit that consisted of only a couple of strips
of cloth that reached up from the waist of her outfit, over her breasts
(covering only about half of them at that) and attached to a collar she
wore around her neck. Her back was completely bare, and she wore only a
tiny skirt that barely made it to the bottom of her rear end. Virtually all
of her clothing was the same way. That, combined with her tendency to use
high leap kicks while wearing only lacy thong underwear, had resulted in
her being able to string together a record of twenty five knockouts on
Takeo's male ninja students; an unsurpassed string of victories.
Ah, but worth it.
As concerned as Tai was about her beauty, and men, she also tended to be
the high strung one, ready to panic at a moment's notice. Likewise she had
some of the oddest combat tactics of any ninja Takeo had ever taught. The
idea of sacrificing her sisters' bodies for the sake of a fight was
something Tai tended to employ without hesitation. To this end she had come
up with a whole fighting style that entailed the use of her comrades as
weapons in a variety of moves that, while causing great damage to enemy,
also tended to leave the other two girls the worse for wear.
And she's not considered the smart one?
Now, Tai stood before Takeo, chest thrust forward and somehow jiggling
despite the rest of her body remaining motionless.
Secret ninja technique. Hide in jello.
He was forced to remind
himself once again that this girl was family, and young enough to be his
granddaughter to boot. Still, a cold shower afterwards might not be a bad
idea.
And then there was B.J., the living personification of style. Or at least
what her twisted little mind thought was style. She went for anything that
was supposed to be fashionable among ninja clans, or at least what
advertisers promoted as 'what every young, hot teenage ninja should be
wearing'. As with most advertisers, what they claimed was trendy and what
really was were two different things. Currently, B.J. was wearing a pea
green and light purple mask designed by Billabong, white gloves by
Airheart, and a sequined yellow top by Quicksilver. The thousands of
sequins caught the lighting in the room just right to allow B.J. to glow
like a shining star.
Just what every ninja needed to sneak around inconspicuously.
B.J.'s true forte was that of a mistress of disguise. Seemingly from who
knew where, she could grab any one of a number of outfits from her own
gaudy garb, and the appropriate wig and make-up, to make her look like
almost anyone else within a flash. She was capable of even mimicking both
tone and accent in a person's voice to a degree that astounded even her
granduncle, and she could to it after only hearing a person speak one time.
However, her choice of primary weapon was something that simply confounded
Takeo's sensibilities. Still, in spite of what one would assume from such a
small girl, she was able to use it supremely well. It was just so...
unseemly for a ninja to use such an inappropriate weapon.
Of course, making us want to know what it is. Probably a zanbatou or
something.
All three of them made quite a set. Takeo had accepted his niece's wish to
train the girls in ninjitsu, the art the family had been immersed in since
the founding of the school centuries ago. Takeo was regarded by many to be
the best ninja of his and the previous generations, which he had proven
time and again by succeeding in every task that was set before him, and
then in all of the goals he set for himself. In time, growing bored with a
lack of challenges and getting on in years, he had founded his ninja school
and proceeded to teach ninjitsu to a wide variety of candidates from all
over the globe. Not all of them were great, but all of them were at the
least highly skilled ninjas. Each and every graduate he had been proud to
call his own. So when his niece had approached him with the idea of
training the girls in the art, Takeo had accepted without hesitation.
It had proven to be the worst mistake of his life.
Aww, but they're -family-.
In less than four weeks, Takeo became firmly convinced that all three were
probably the worst trio of potential ninjas he had ever seen. They drove
him crazy with their combined antics, stubborn bull-headedness, gross
stupidity, and just out and out weird behavior. If they had not been blood
relations, and had he not promised he would teach them to the best of his
abilities, he would have expelled them a year ago. But he had persevered,
growing increasingly frustrated with their antics and desperately wanting
to get rid of them, while at the same time fearful of how they would
disgrace the Yurisoka clan (and Takeo personally) if they graduated and it
was discovered they had trained under him. So he went about trying his best
to break them of their spirits and get them to quit, or fail, on their own.
It should have been simple. But it wasn't.
There was one slight problem with his plan. In spite of their horrible
character flaws, their actual skills were unsurpassed. Easily they were the
best his school had ever produced. Combat, stealth, circumvention of traps,
weapons training, in every technical field they excelled far beyond
anyone's expectations. They were better than he was at their age. Hell,
they were almost as good as him now; the obstacle course they had just
completed effortlessly was proof of that. The problem wasn't in their
inherent ability to do any job; it was in their inherent ability to mess up
any job, in spite of their skills.
Common sense was a skill none of them had mastered. They constantly made
basic mental errors, glaring mistakes that even neophytes would know better
than to do. Yet as time progressed, they continued to botch things up in
some way, though managing to pass all of their courses at the same time. By
now he had given up hope on trying to make them fail altogether, and was
content to try to get them to think. But an entire year had passed and no
matter how hard Takeo tried, they were still just as stupid as they were
the day they first arrived at the school.
Making people think is damn near impossible.
And now, in spite of what the grandmaster had hoped and prayed for, they
had all just completed their final course. The screw ups had even improved
on his best time, beat it easily, which was why it made them so doubly
vexing. All of their true potential was wasted underneath a veil of fluff
and incompetence. If they were allowed out in the world now, they would
disgrace his name within a year. No, probably six months. It was enough to
make Takeo weep.
But there was one last hope. Something special he had added just to their
curriculum which, if they failed, would set them back at least a couple of
months. And then maybe he could come up with something, some technique,
that would get them to start using their heads.
Or maybe they would die. Either way it meant he would come out a winner.
Forgot the most likely outcome. They win. He's screwed.
Spinning on his heel, Takeo turned his back to the girls. They were going
to be so disappointed when they found out they had not really graduated. He
could just feel the concern over his lack of congratulations pour off them
in waves.
"Yawn. That whole obstacle course was like something out of a low budget
Indiana Jones flick."
"Ewww. The heat from the lava made my mascara run."
o/~ Every time we kiss, it's lava, hot lava... o/~
"I think I need more sequins on my outfit. I'm not glittery enough."
"WOULD YOU IDIOTS AT LEAST PRETEND THAT THE OBSTACLE COURSE WAS TOUGH?! IS
THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?!!!" Takeo shouted as his battle aura partially melted
some of the stone he was standing on.
Oh, nevermind. Cheap lava.
The girls, unaware of how far they had pushed their granduncle, looked up
at him with only mild concern. Mai spoke first, a small smile breaking out
across her face. "So what do we do now?"
Takeo grinned under his mask and cleared his throat. Here is where he
dropped the bomb on them. "I know it's common for a student, upon
completing the final obstacle course, to graduate and become an official
ninja with a diploma and everything, but because you're such special
students, I've decided to assign you a special final project." At last he
had them. He couldn't wait to see the crestfallen look on their faces as he
was able to shatter their dreams, even as they had shattered his.
"Gee, would it have anything to do with us going to the Nerima Museum of
History to steal the Sacred Urn of CaoPatty?" Tai asked as she filed her
nails.
I'd expect them to bitch a little about having to retrieve a cow patty.
Takeo's eyebrow twitched so violently the movement could clearly be seen
under his mask. "Haugh dad wu nough?" was all he could get out.
"How did we know?" B.J. translated. "Simple, we broke into your private
chamber and ran through your notes. It was in the notebook in the bottom
drawer, right under the paper targets that look suspiciously like the three
of us. You know, the ones with all of the knife cuts in them. You tend to
throw slightly to the left, by the way."
"How did you get in?" Takeo got out intelligibly this time. Everything in
his chamber, even his desk, was warded by a plethora of the most exotic,
expensive, and difficult anti-ninja and magical traps he could find: all of
them fatal. Even Takeo on the best day of his life couldn't break into his
study.
"It was easy," Mai shrugged. "There were just a few dozen simple anti-ninja
and magical traps. Completely predictable. It took us about three minutes
to get past all of them."
More enthusiasm than intelligence was used in the construction of the
traps. ^_^
"GAK!" Takeo swore he felt a brain embolism coming on.
"Well, I didn't think it was all that simple," Tai said. "There was one
trap in particular that was nasty and very well concealed."
Here it comes.
"There was?" Takeo gasped, feeling some shred of his dignity return.
"Yep. I chipped a nail on the edge of the desk. Very tricky, making the
edge of your desk extra long so that people will chip their nails on it. I
had to get a fake nail to take its place and everything. Very
inconvenient."
Thought so. -_-
Takeo could barely keep from openly crying. He settled for sniffling
slightly.
Mai continued. "Anyway, we already scouted the place out. We broke into
where the blueprints to the museum were stored, stole and then copied them,
and then broke back in to replace them so no one knew they were ever gone.
We also stole the personnel logs and duty rosters and did the same thing.
We know where all of the hundreds of alarms are, the exact placement and
number of the guards, where the urn is located, and everything."
Takeo's shoulders slumped in defeat. They had managed to outwit him. Maybe
it was time to kill himself. If those three could make him look like a
novice, there was nothing left to live for. "It sounds like you have
everything planned out. There shouldn't be any problems."
"I sure can't see any," B.J. chimed in happily. "We even made sure to send
the challenge letter by express mail three days ago."
Takeo's head jerked slightly. "Challenge letter?"
"Yes. That way we left plenty of time for the opposition to know we're
coming."
Takeo's eyebrow began to twitch violently again. "You do understand that
you're ninjas. Masters of stealth, assassination, and thanks to the
recession, thieves as well?"
All three of the girls looked at him, bewildered. Mai slowly said, "Uh,
yeah."
"Then why would you tell the museum that you were coming to steal their urn
when the whole point of the exercise is to sneak in and grab it without
alerting anyone?"
The girls thought about that. As one they said, "Oops."
Heh.
Takeo began bashing his head into the ground and didn't stop until he was
unconscious.
Yeah. There was nothing I could do, so I took a nap.
"So you see, we need martial artists to prevent the theft of the urn.
Against ninjas, high-tech, sophisticated expensive alarms that have really
flashy lights and go 'awooga, awooga,' just aren't going to cut it," Toshi
Takayami explained to the two older men, boy, and two younger girls that
were seated around the dining room table at the Tendou household.
Why don't they use a bunch of tin cans on a string as an alarm system and
a trap designed by a 10 year old? Against these, I bet it would work just
fine.
"What about your security guards?" Genma asked.
"Their union contract specifically exempts them from having to fight
ninjas."
If I was a security guard in Japan, I'd make sure that was in my contract
as well.
"I see," Soun said, accepting some tea that was offered by Kasumi.
"Then you'll help us?" Takayami asked.
We'll help you with your ninja problem, you help us with our bills.
Genma stood up boldly, shaking his fist in the air. "It's the duty of a
martial artist to protect other people's property, as well as defending the
weak and helpless. We'll be honored to help you."
"Don't you mean you'll be happy to volunteer your son to help them?" Ranma
asked from his seat next to Akane. He had known from the instant the
well-dressed owner of the Nerima Museum of History had come to the Tendou
home, that it was going to be nothing but trouble. Sure enough, after the
gentleman explained the situation and showed them the challenge letter that
was signed, 'Three Sexy Ninja Girls', Ranma's worst concerns became
reality.
A long sigh escaped Ranma's lips. "Oh well, ninjas aren't that bad. I can
handle them, no problem. As long as they ain't cursed to turn into giant
flying bulls or something," he quickly added.
"Count me in," Akane stood up and quickly volunteered.
"I guess you can come along," Ranma reluctantly agreed. Ninjas did have a
tendency to be a handful, as his fight against Konatsu had proven. But then
again, Ranma could be a handful as well. Still, he was surprised his
warning senses would have gone off so loudly when he woke up. Three ninjas,
especially girls, wouldn't be that much of a problem. It could have been
worse. Much worse.
No, nothing is worse than another fiancee. Except maybe two or three.
"Hey, Ranchan. I'll tag along and help out."
"I would consider it an honor to let me assist you as well. I think I could
be of use against ninjas, given my training in such matters."
"Where the beauteous Akane Tendou goes, the great Tatewaki Kunou shall ever
be at her side.
"And where my beloved Ranma-sama goes, so to shall the Black Rose follow."
"Shampoo help her airen."
"Damn you, Saotome! How dare you lure Shampoo into danger. Now I'm going to
have to go along too."
Oh, yes. Now this was exactly the sort of thing that would have given him
the morning jitters.
I still think a permanent addition to the krewe would be worse.
"Where did you all come from?" Takayami asked.
"Mind your own business!" Kunou snapped.
Ranma was smarter and knew there wasn't any point in trying to figure how
they all knew to come by at the worst possible moment. Sudden appearances
by people he knew were about par for the course. This was an exceptionally
large batch, surprisingly including the often underutilized Konatsu.
And here you start straining the fourth wall.
Looking at everyone watching him either expectantly or angrily, Ranma found
himself sorely tempted to return to his bedroom and go back to sleep. But
no, he had said he was going to help protect the valuables at the museum,
and he would. No matter how much it hurt.
"Where's Ryouga?" Akane asked.
"I'm sure he'll turn up at some point. He always does," Ranma said tiredly.
It would be best to just leave now. The longer so many diverse
personalities were left together, the more likely it was something wrong
would occur and things would be hit with bonecrushing force. Things like a
Ranma Saotome.
Night was just starting to fall by the time Ranma managed to get the
squabbling group out of the Tendou home and on their way to the museum.
Actually, leaving could have been a lot worse. He only had to deal with one
Shampoo glomp, a Kodachi/Ukyou skirmish, two offers by Akane to fix
something up for all of the guests, one bokken thrust from Kunou, and two
threats from Mousse, the last one having accidentally been delivered to
Kasumi, which had the effect of Soun going demon head on the near-blind
male Amazon and Mousse behaving himself the rest of the time. Not bad at
all.
Okay, more like, not as bad as it could have been.
Ranma pulled away from the rest of the group, saving himself the hassle of
any jealous squabbles or attempted signs of affection towards him. Instead,
the group was left to its own little mix of inane banter. Ranma had just
turned the corner when the water pail lady nailed him with some water.
Unfazed, Ranma-chan continued onward as the others turned the corner and
followed behind once again, Kodachi protesting about the evil female Ranma
having replaced the man version, and Kunou doing the reverse. Arguments
about curses began to erupt from the group; just what Ranma-chan had come
to expect.
The redhead mumbled, "I feel like Snow White leading the Seven Dwarves."
A voice from behind chimed, "Hi ho."
Ranma-chan stiffened.
Another voice, deeper in pitch, joined in from behind as well, "Hiiii
Hooo."
Oh no.
Now in chorus, it began. "Hi ho. Hi ho. It's off to work-"
"STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!" Ranma-chan shouted as she turned around and shook
her fist at everyone, trying desperately to get their attention. "Is this a
fic done by Eric Hallstrom?"
Nope. This totally turned me off. Fourth wall jokes bug me. I'd
suggest removing all this kind of jokes, you're funny enough without them.
But that's just IMO.
The group looked at each other. Once at a consensus, Akane spoke for the
group, "No."
"Right. That means there will be no musical numbers. None whatsoever. I
don't even want to see the title of a song in this. You got that?!"
"What about dancing, Ranma-sama?"
"No dancing either. If I see even a hint of dancing, I'm out of here. I'm
not joking. We'll see how hot you guys do without me, then."
"You no fun, airen."
Seeing everyone looking depressed at the ultimatums, Ranma-chan took a deep
breath, and said, "Look, if we're going to confront a bunch of ninjas, we
ought to get an idea of what they might try to pull. Since we got our own
genuine ninja along, I think we should have Konatsu give us a few pointers
in fighting them." Ranma indicated Konatsu should step forward.
Konatsu seemed taken aback. Almost no one ever used him in a fic,
especially one that didn't focus on Ukyou. And he was at least momentarily
the center of attention. It was all a bit overwhelming.
Same here. This annoys me more than makes me smile.
Composing himself, he began to instruct his companions. "Now then. The
first thing you must all learn is that a ninja, all ninjas but especially
kunoichi, are very tricky. Much, much trickier than the usual martial
artist opponent you might fight. For example, Ranma, would you please step
forward?"
Ranma-chan did as she was asked.
Konatsu again took up his instructional stance. "As I was saying, ninjas
can be..." Konatsu trailed off as he suddenly gave a wide-eyed stare above
Ranma-chan's head and shouted, "Look out! It's a falling barrel of
Nanniichuan!"
And Shampoo doesn't look, so doesn't move, and now you just fused it with
your other fic.
"What?! Where? Where?" Ranma-chan's eyes scanned the skies overhead. A
moment later, a fist connected with her mid-section, momentarily knocking
the wind out of her. After taking a second to regain her breath, she
leveled an angry stare at her attacker: Konatsu. "What did you do that
for?!"
You asked for it.
"That was a ninja trick. And a basic one at that," Konatsu said, as though
talking to a four year old child with a lobotomy. "You have to be very
careful. As I said, ninjas are tricky. They might try..." Konatsu trailed
off as he suddenly stared above Ranma-chan's head and shouted, "Look out!
It's a falling Dojo Destroyer!"
"Yeah, right," Ranma-chan smirked. "Like I'm going to fall for that one
again."
Heh.
Konatsu crossed his arms and smiled satisfactorily. "I see that you have
indeed learned-"
A falling Dojo Destroyer landed directly on Ranma-chan's head.
"-absolutely nothing," Konatsu finished. "You see, I knew you would have
Hehe.
thought you learned your lesson after falling for that trick before.
Therefore I knew you wouldn't bother to look up when there really was a
Dojo Destroyer falling right for you."
"Wow. I never knew ninjas could be so tricky," Ukyou whispered to Akane,
who nodded her head in agreement.
The large Dojo Destroyer picked himself up off Ranma-chan's partially
buried form. He brushed some of the dust off his white gi, then looked at
the results of his handiwork.
With a grunt of exertion the redhead pried herself out of the ground and
stared evilly at the large man. "What the hell were you doing falling out
of the sky and landing on me?!"
"I couldn't very well fall up, now could I?" the Dojo Destroyer retorted.
This is cute.
"Uh, well," Ranma-chan said hesitantly.
The Dojo Destroyer continued. "I mean, there I'd be, breaking the very laws
of gravity. And then there's the whole problem with falling upwards and
ending up in the upper atmosphere. There's no oxygen to breathe up there,
you know?"
Poor Ranma.
Ranma-chan tried coming up with something to say. "Well, you did land
pretty hard on me."
The Dojo Destroyer became indignant. "Hard on you? How do you think I felt?
I was the one doing the falling, and your head's none too soft. The next
thing you know, you'd probably be expecting me to break the laws of inertia
too, and all because you hurt your head. Screw the natural order. Ranma
Saotome doesn't want to take a tiny little bump, so it doesn't matter how
many laws of the universe you break, just so long as he can have his own
way."
The sad thing is, this works in almost every situation. Verbally attack
someone and they go on the defensive. They can't attack you then.
"I didn't say that!" Ranma-chan protested.
The Dojo Destroyer shot her a disgusted look. "I hope you're happy with
yourself." He turned and began walking away. Ranma-chan shouted apologies
and said that he could fall out of the sky anytime and land on her, and she
wouldn't complain at all. But it was too late; the Dojo Destroyer didn't
look back and continued onward.
Ranma-chan looked back at her friends, who stared at her as though she had
inflicted some great offense. "It's not my fault, really!"
Konatsu gave a sad shake of his head. "I think I'll use someone else.
Someone who's nicer." he emphasized the last word, then moved over to
Mousse. "Would you like to help me?"
"Of course, unlike some people, I wouldn't complain about a Dojo Destroyer
falling on my head." Mousse shot Ranma-chan a dirty look, which earned one
right back from the redhead.
Ranma finally lost a battle. The stupidity battle.
"Take off your glasses," Konatsu instructed.
"Sure." Mousse did as he was told. Konatsu flicked his wrist, producing a
can of mace from the sleeves of his ninja outfit, and proceeded to spray
some in Mousse's eyes. The effect was instantaneous as Mousse began running
around screaming, "Ahhh! I'm blind! I'm blind!"
He can see he's going blind.
"Stupid Mousse," Shampoo grumbled. "You is always blind when you no wear
your glasses."
"Oh, right," Mousse said calmly as he stopped running around.
A Dojo Destroyer fell on him.
But true to his word, he didn't complain.
"Let's move under this building's overhang," Konatsu said, leading all but
the flattened Mousse to it. "As you can see, ninjas can be very tricky.
Let's move onto another example. Now Shampoo-"
Shampoo immediately punched him in the jaw, flattening him with the blow.
Smart kitty.
The others stared at her in surprise. They began to protest the ninja's
treatment at her hands, when Konatsu started to rise, saying, "As you can
see, Shampoo has learned the best defense in not falling for a ninja trick:
never give them a chance to use one. Now let me-"
A spatula blow to the head cut off the rest of Konatsu's statement. Ukyou
smiled at him and said, "How was that?"
Not bad, but try it again. This time with FEELING.
Konatsu started to pick himself up again. "Quite good, but you see, the
lesson is-"
Akane kicked him in the gut, winding him and sending him back down. "Wow!
This is easy."
Heh. He did ask for it.
"Wait," Konatsu gasped. "The lessons are over. You don't need to hit-"
It's another ninja trick! Hit 'em again!
"My turn," Kodachi shouted gleefully as she wrapped a length of her ribbon
around Konatsu's legs and whipped him into a nearby storefront, breaking
the window with his body.
"I think I should get in some practice too," Ranma-chan said as she cracked
her knuckles and began punching the fallen ninja. She was quickly joined by
Kunou and Mousse as the trio proceeded to get as much anti-ninja practice
as they could before they arrived at the museum.
"Thanks a lot for helping us out, Konatsu. I don't know what we'd have done
without you. You're an okay guy." Ranma-chan slapped the ninja on the back.
It was a little difficult, since Konatsu's unconscious form was draped over
Ukyou's back.
Girl, thing, whatever.
Ranma-chan noticed Ukyou straining slightly under her burden. She had
carried him almost the entire way to the museum. "You look a little tired
there, Ucchan. Want some help?"
Ukyou's eyes nearly glistened in joy; her Ranchan was offering to help her.
Of all the people there, he had chosen her. "Sure, Ranchan."
"Okay." Ranma-chan gave her a smile, then turned away and shouted, "Hey,
Akane. Ukyou's feeling a little tired, so carry Konatsu for a while."
"Since when did I become a beast of burden?" Akane shouted back.
"Oh, excuse me," The redhead said in exaggerated tones. "I thought you
wanted to be treated seriously as a martial artist, but if carrying just
one scrawny little ninja is too much for you to handle-"
So now Ranma is a rocket scientist.
Akane was at Ukyou's side in an instant, practically ripping Konatsu from
her grasp. "I can carry him, no sweat."
"That's the spirit," Ranma-chan slapped Akane on the back as the two walked
side-by-side the rest of the way to the museum, leaving Ukyou to feel
cheated somehow.
Akane didn't have to carry the ninja for long as the group arrived at the
museum minutes later. Konatsu recovered enough to stand on his own and
joined the others in staring at their destination.
Most of the eyes took in the structure for the first time in their lives,
having been unaware of the presence of a museum in Nerima. The stone
edifice of the building was slate gray, with a series of giant Roman style
columns adorning the front of the building. Two huge doors made of solid
gold dominated the entryway. Dark runes etched in a dry, flaky, red
substance marred the surface of the doors. A multitude of gargoyles, all of
them carved from pure obsidian, their mirrored surfaces shining with an
unholy gleam, stared at the group from their perches along the ledges of
the building Their obscene appearance was an abomination to the senses, and
gazing at the darkness within them, a veil of endless night that seemed to
stretch into forever, gave the looker the impression that their soul would
be devoured in the pits of Hell for an eternity.
Of course, the effect was nearly, but not totally, ruined by the street
okonomiyaki vendor just off to one side. It took the clown and crowd of
children to really make it silly.
"Kawaii," Kodachi moaned, clapping her hand together in girlish delight.
"Brother dear, remind me to purchase one of these delightful statues once
we are finished helping Ranma-sama tonight."
She's asking HIM to remind her? Now I have proof. She's nuts.
Kunou sighed in the direction of his sister. Ranma-chan opened the door to
the museum, not even bothering to use the demon head door knocker that lay
among the carved bas-reliefs of men, women, and bizarre fusions of both man
and animal engaged in various positions of carnal lust with one another.
Too bad none of them were art majors. The detailed carvings went
unappreciated.
"Unusual museum," Ukyou commented as she crossed the threshold with the
others.
Inside, the museum appeared much more normal, with a lobby and ticket booth
just on the other side of the doors. A white-gray marble lined the floor
and the walls were painted in a soft eggshell color that was very soothing
on the eyes. Several displays of various ancient wares and artwork lined
the lobby. Beyond the booth, the others could see posted signs that
indicated what was within the various rooms throughout the museum. There
was no one else present.
"Let's get inside." Ranma-chan led the way. The group had passed just
beyond the ticket booth when, in a cloud of smoke and brimstone, a
repulsive, scaly, four-limbed monster with five eyes and three mouths in
various positions upon its face, appeared hovering in mid-air several feet
in front of the short redhead.
The monstrosity started to laugh, but then had a coughing fit when it
breathed in too much of the residual smoke from its teleport. After several
seconds of clearing its lungs, it said in a surprisingly melodious voice.
"Fools, at last you have fallen into my carefully laid trap."
Everyone tensed up at the declaration. Ranma-chan said, "That's one
nasty-looking ninja."
"I'm no ninja!" the creature bellowed. "I am something far more powerful
than any mere ninja. I am far more evil and much less tricky. I am your
doom, my foolish prey. For a long time have I waited, allowing my power to
increase geometrically so that I could succeed. It doesn't matter how many
other of my brethren have fallen to your powers, my mistress, Queen Beryl,
at last will succeed in killing all of yo-"
"Whoa, whoa! Time out here, Mister!" Ranma-chan said as she moved within
three feet of the hovering monster. "Queen Beryl? You're a Youma, aren't
you?"
The Youma stared at the redhead, dumbfounded for a moment. "Uh, well yes, I
am."
Ranma-chan nodded her head in understanding. "Right. Then you want Sailor
Moose."
"Sailor Moon," Akane corrected.
"Whatever. I don't really pay attention to that magical girl crap anyhow."
Ranma-chan waved dismissively towards her.
"You're not the Sailor Senshi?" the Youma asked.
"Ha!" Ranma-chan laughed. "I'd sooner be dead then caught in a fuku, and I
think I speak for everyone here when I say that goes for all of us."
"Actually, I think I'd look rather good in a fuku," Konatsu mentioned.
"Okay, everyone but the ninja cross dresser," the redhead corrected.
Heh.
Looking over everyone, and discerning a significant lack of magical girls,
the Youma realized the redhead was telling the truth. "Shit!" it cursed. "I
thought for certain the Sailor Senshi were going to pop up here. Isn't this
the Juban Museum of History?"
"Nope. It's the Nerima Museum of History," Ranma-chan explained.
"Odd. I could have sworn I felt something drawing me to this location and
assumed it was the right place," the Youma grumbled, feeling hopelessly
embarrassed at the faux pas. "Anyhow, I'm terribly sorry to have troubled
Faux pas? Oh, THERE was where it made the mistake. It should have taken
a left turn and ended up in Devil's pass.
you."
"Don't worry," Ranma-chan said in a nonchalant tone. "Happens to everyone."
The Youma shook all four of its hands with Ranma-chan in appreciation at
the clarification, then began to fly off towards the doors. It had just
passed Akane when it stopped and stared curiously at her for a second.
"Say, did you know you look just like-"
"Don't say it," Akane said through gritted teeth.
"But she-" The creature began.
"Do not say it," Ranma-chan warned. "She hates it when people compare her
to 'that unnamable person'."
"But she looks just like-"
Who? Ami?
"Do it and you'll be sorry," the redhead warned again.
"-Sailor Mercury," the Youma finally got out.
"AHHH!" Akane shouted, grabbing the creature by its leg and whipping it
into the ground as though it was a rag doll. The blow shattered the marble
floor beneath it and cracked some of the Youma's armor plates. Everyone
else gave Akane a wide berth as she picked the creature up and began
annihilating it.
"I do not look a thing like her!" *SMACK* "We have the same haircut and
people automatically go," *THUD* "'Oh, they look just alike. They could be
twins'." *CRACK* "We have a lousy superficial resemblance to one another
and everyone thinks I should-" *THUMP* "-start running around, blowing
bubbles at every Youma that comes by trying to hit me with a mistrust beam
or some other lamo attack!" *SWAT* "I am sick and tired of it! I am a
martial artist; a serious one!" * KABOOM* "And damn it, I am not going to
take that sort of crap anymore!"
Five eyes gazed through a veil of pain at Akane. The twitching remains of
the Youma managed to get out, "Sorry about... that. Now *Wheeze* that I...
think about it... you don't. *Gasp* Look anything... like... *Urk* her."
The creature's eyes drifted shut and a raspy rattle shook from all three of
its mouths.
"Apology accepted," Akane said to her fallen foe in its last moments of
existence.
Just as Akane was about to give a prayer for its soul, the Youma's eyes
shot back open and it pointed at Ranma-chan, saying, "But that redhead
would make the perfect Sailor Earth."
Delete a blank line here.
The building shook with the force of a Perfect Moko Takabisha incinerating
a Youma.
"I don't look a thing like Sailor Mud." Ranma-chan grumbled as she used
some hot water to change her back to her proper form.
"Now what we do?" Shampoo asked.
Ranma considered that. "Since this is a big museum, and we're going to have
to deal with multiple opponents, I think we should split up into teams and
cover more ground that way."
-_- It's Scream all over again.
"Is good plan," Shampoo said. "Shampoo team up with Ranma. Everyone else
can get into other teams." She moved to glomp onto Ranma, but was cut off
by a spatula thrust in her direction.
"Ranchan is going with me, not you, you Amazon hussy."
A length of ribbon coiled itself around Ranma's arm. "I'm afraid Ranma-sama
wouldn't want to associate with two such simple-minded peons. He shall
conduct his search with me at his side."
This is pot. You kettle. You black.
Akane pulled out a pair of scissors and cut the offending ribbon. "I was
the first one to volunteer to help Ranma out, therefore I should be the one
teamed up with him."
A vocal argument began to ensue, panicking Ranma more by the second.
Lately, even he could not help noticing how things in the fiancee wars had
been heating up, but this was too much. No matter which one he went with,
only doom, in the form of the other three, would follow. He had to escape
them all, right now.
"Where am I?" a voice called out as a figure came from around the corner of
the ancient weapons exhibit.
"Ryouga! How contrived... I mean, how convenient," Ranma quickly corrected.
Moving his head closer to the lost boy, he whispered, "We've got to get out
of here. I'll explain things as we go."
*sigh* Nail a few boards over that wall.
"Why do I have to go with you?" Ryouga asked suspiciously.
Ranma knew if he told Ryouga, the truth, the lost boy would accuse him of
betraying Akane or something else equally stupid. He had to think fast.
"Because if you don't, the odds of me getting hit in the head and acting
like a girl again are good, and guess which guy I'll come onto."
Kuno? *shakes head* Mousse? *shakes head* A self inserted fanboy?
*POW*
Ryouga shuddered. "I have to go away with Ranma right now!" he announced to
everyone.
Ranma smiled at his own genius. He'd have to remember that one for future
reference the next time he needed Ryouga to do something for him.
"Wait a minute," Akane protested. "What are we supposed to do then?"
"I don't care," Ranma said. "Split up however you want, but it's just going
to be Ryouga and me as a team."
Akane saw Kunou looking at her and felt uneasy. Shampoo saw Mousse looking
at her and felt annoyed. Ukyou saw Konatsu looking at her, and whereas she
didn't mind it, didn't want Ranma getting the wrong idea about her and the
ninja. The three girls all looked at each other and nodded their heads in
agreement.
"Us girls are forming our own group," Ukyou said.
"Why must I lower myself by going with you?" Kodachi asked.
"Because Ranma obviously isn't going to let you tag along, and there's only
one alternative to us," Akane said.
Kodachi looked over at the group of boys: a blind twit, a cross-dressing
ninja, and the worst of the lot: her brother.
"I'm flattered that you're willing to accept me into your party." Kodachi
moved closer to the other girls.
Konatsu looked at his companions and shrugged. He would rather have joined
Ukyou, but would never voice such a thing. He moved closer to Mousse and
Kunou, then loudly announced to everyone, "Since we're dealing with
kunoichi, they might be dressed like me. Therefore I'm going to tie this
gold ribbon around my arm so you'll know it's me instead of one of the
enemy."
Oh, how lovely! And look at the way it accentuates his eyes just so...
"Good thinking," Ranma agreed, then proceeded to head off with Ryouga. All
of the girls gave irritated looks in his direction, then proceeded to make
their way to the lower levels of the museum. Kunou declared himself leader
of his expedition and proceeded on the only course left, that of the upper
levels.
The hunt was finally on.
Interesting, very few grammer/spelling errors, and was good for a
chuckle. We've already seen I'm not fond of some of the jokes, but hey.
It's up to you as always. Waiting for the next one.
Kichigai
ICQ# 37606443
Visit my site! http://lavender.fortunecity.com/clockwork/416/index.html
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.