Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
"Don't underestimate me, 'General.' I may be one mere human
being, but I'm an elder Amazon warrior. And unlike your major, I know my
opponents. He might fail, but I won't."
Oh, he's not human? In that case:
David Letterman?
Megatron?
DAVE: And now, the top ten reasons for ordering your Mongol armies to
invade an Amazon village!
'He could see nothing; even... blindfold. All he could hear in the
background was the endless, rhythmic chirping of cicadas and the occasional
howl of a wild animal. Evidently...'
Okay, that works.
"The little wife back home, huh?"
"Fiancee," Sauchuk answered curtly. "We're getting married as
soon as my hitch is up."
Oh dear. This means he's dead, right? :)
Geez, is it THAT obvious? :)
"Morning, sir," Sauchuk said, his tone carefully neutral. Like
most of the enlisted men, he felt a growing resentment towards the
officers. Rou may have been an idiot, but he was a friend -- until the
'Amazons' had knifed him to death. When the men had heard, some of them
even wanted to go out shooting villagers until the killers were found.
But orders came down that no reprisals were to be taken, and that
Command would handle the situation. Morale dropped, sinking lower and
lower as the men waited to see which of them would have to die next
before the officers did something about it.
All of them? :)
'CHUK: It was a rhetorical question, okay? ^_^
*This is your fault, Tendo Akane. You could've ignored Kodachi's
baiting. You let her anger get the better of you, and now gods only know
what the consequences will be. After being married for six years, are
you still so insecure that the thought of your husband paying attention
to another woman shuts down your brain?*
This paragraph was confusing, especially coming after the POV from Kodachi.
The first sentence made me believe it was Kodachi thinking here, rather than
Akane. You might want to consider clarifying this part.
I'll work on it. I rewrote this part based on a complaint one prereader
had on it, and I guess it's not there yet. I almost always write a whole
scene from a single POV, and this one is meant to be Akane's all the way
through.
The poison she'd added would take effect about half an hour
after the victims ate the stew. Doctor Tofu had mixed it up from some of
the herbs Mu Si had brought back from Yaocaicun. From what the doctor
said, it would cause severe diarrhea, along with virulent stomach cramps
in some cases. Just the thing to soften them up for the impending
battles, Akane thought, and she winced at her choice of words.
'diarrhoea'
No, we yanks spell it without the o.
Heh. And here I was thinking that Akane could have cooked the stew and
achieved the same results without resorting to poison. :)
Maybe, but I wouldn't want to suggest it to her. ^_^
"I'm sorry. I know it's not nice to laugh at others'
misfortunes. But just think of how they'll feel when they take their
clothes out of the wash, and they're still dirty." She giggled again.
Is Kasumi really that vapid? She is a priestess, after all.
She's not really vapid, but she is rather naive, especially when it
comes to the hard realities of combat. If the general consensus out
there is that this bit is overdoing it, I'll drop it, but I'll need to
hear from more people on this 'cause I kinda like it.
"Uh... don't mention it." He nodded feebly, for a moment
imagining a myriad of possibilities. Then he pushed off the rock, and
his feet landed on solid ground. Why would she ever be interested in
him? And even if she normally might be, this wasn't the time. He
couldn't ask her out on a date when they were about to fight a battle to
rescue her village. And after that, he'd be gone. No matter how he
looked at it, it seemed that Hikaru Gosunkugi was going to end up alone.
Hmm. And how is he ever going to defeat her in battle? Write a better
computer program than she can? :)
GOS: Ti Pi, I... I challenge you!
TP: Hm?
GOS: I challenge you! To a game of Heroes of Might and Magic IV!
TP: ...
Thanks very much for the feedback!
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html