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Kasumi and the Gaki
By Jack Staik
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This tale was inspired by a suggestion by Brad 'Ramchu'
Parks, my future brother-in-law.
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The Gaki of Sharp Knife Edges scuttled through the streets,
seeking a new dwelling.
A gaki is a hungry spirit, and every gaki has it's own
unique appetite.
Some gaki had a easy time of it, like the Gaki of Soil
Fertility (who left soil barren) or the Gaki of Men's Hair
(whose work left men bald). Others, such as the Gaki of
Codes (who would eat a code, leaving a coded message clearly
legible) or the Gaki of the Skill of Old Artists (who would
consume the skill of elderly artisans, leaving them unable
to practice their craft) had a harder time satisfying their
exotic hungers.
The Gaki of Sharp Knife Edges was in-between these extremes;
his appetites left sharp knives dull and useless, unable to
ever be sharpened again. Knives were everywhere, but a lot
of people didn't really care about how sharp a knife was
anymore. Dull knives would work just fine on most foods.
This place - the Tendo Dojo, by the sign - seemed to be an
exception.
The Gaki slipped in like a mist and went to the kitchen ...
and saw a buffet.
Kitchen utensils, all meticulously cared for and carefully
sharpened. There was even an electric knife-sharpener with
an oil rag nearby for cleaning.
Cackling silently (as spirits do), the spirit picked up a
knife and started to eat while humming cheerfully.
* * * * * * * * * *
Kasumi felt something was wrong. She got up from where the
family was having tea and went to the kitchen.
This puzzled the Tendos; Kasumi *never* left the table
without excusing herself.
In the kitchen, Kasumi saw a knife floating in mid-air.
Puzzled, she stepped toward the apparition.
The Gaki felt a burning sensation from behind it. It turned
and saw a glaring golden aura, replete with goodness and
purity. Whoever this being was, its mere presence was
anathema to it. Its instincts taking over, the Gaki dropped
its food and ran.
Kasumi watched the knife clatter to the countertop. Picking
it up, she looked at the edge, and noticed that it was oddly
worn, as if something had been chewing on it.
Pulling out several other knives, she noticed that they were
dull - even though she had just sharpened them recently, and
several hadn't been used.
"Oh dear," she exclaimed. "That naughty spirit must have
made my knives dull." She examined one of the knives. "And
this one's almost useless, too! And I just bought it a month
ago! Darn!"
She tossed the knife over her shoulder toward the garbage
can, knowing it would go in.
Ranma entered the kitchen, carrying the tea tray, coming
between the garbage can and Kasumi.
"Hey, Kasumi, d'ya mind if I -"
[THUNK!]
Ranma looked at the vibrating knife sticking out of the tea
tray, then back at Kasumi, her back still turned. He noted
she had a bunch of knives out.
"Uh, never mind," he squeaked. "I'll just - leave now -" and
he scooted backwards out of the room.
Kasumi, who was thinking about how to get rid of a spirit,
hadn't noticed Ranma at all.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranma came back into the dining room, sweating and
hyperventilating.
"What's with you, Saotome?" Nabiki said.
"And where's the fresh tea?" Genma demanded.
"Kasumi's in - a bad mood," Ranma explained.
Nabiki rolled her eyes. "This isn't like last time, is it?
Are you *sure*?"
"Look!" Ranma said, holding up the tea tray, the knife still
lodged in it.
"Yeek!" they all said.
"And she had a bunch more knives out, too!"
Soun looked pale. "Just like her great aunt ..."
Nabiki and Akane looked at him. "Huh?"
"You mother's aunt Sachiko," Soun explained. "She acted that
way, too. Just before the riot squad had to shoot her." He
shuddered. "Those poor men - at least, they *were* men
before Sachiko's gory rampage ..."
"YEEK!!" Ranma and Genma exclaimed, shielding the hinted-at
areas.
"Oh, come on, Daddy!" Nabiki said. "This is Kasumi we're
talking about!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Kasumi looked around the kitchen carefully. She heard once
that a spirit can't be seen directly, but can be seen out of
the corner of one's eye. Leaving several sharpened knives
around the kitchen, she looked around slowly.
Then froze.
There it was. Nibbling on a small paring knife.
It looked like a large sausage with teeth.
She might have said it looked silly if it weren't
vandalizing her kitchen equipment.
Carefully, trying not to look directly at it (and thus lose
track of it), she crept closer, fly-swatter in hand.
It zipped away.
"Darn!" she said.
She put down the fly-swatter for a moment.
The gaki then picked up the fly-swatter and swatted Kasumi
several times.
[That should teach her!] the gaki chortled to itself.
Kasumi was beginning to fume. First the nasty little spirit
vandalizes *her* kitchenware, then *swats* her?!?
"That is not nice," she said sharply. "Someone's in a lot of
trouble!"
The gaki felt the girl's aura shift. Now it was hunting her!
It giggled to itself. This might be fun!
* * * * * * * * * *
The teenage girls and Genma were looking at Soun
skeptically.
Nabiki had that annoying smirk on her face. "Do you
seriously expect us to believe that Kasumi has just snapped
and is going to go on a Lorena-Bobbitt rampage, un-manning
every guy she can?"
"She didn't try to skewer *you*!!" Ranma said.
"Don't be such a baka!" Akane said. "It was probably a
misunderstanding!"
Kasumi came into the room, her head scanning slowly, as it
trying to follow something that no one else could see. In
one hand she had a sharp knife, with several others in her
other hand.
"Uh, Kasumi?" Nabiki said.
She kept looking around the room. "Have any of you seen a
large sausage running around?"
Everyone began stepping backwards, the men hunching over and
shielding themselves with their hands.
"Uh - no."
"It's made a mess, and I have to get rid of it." She walked
out of the room, her head still scanning, knife raised.
"Come out, sausage ... I have something for you ..."
"Oh, poor Kasumi!" Akane said fearfully.
"Poor *us*!" Genma quailed. "Time for a training trip, boy!"
[SPLASH!!]
"What 'boy'?" Ranma-onna said. "There's nothing *here* to
get chopped off!"
"You'd leave your poor father to face this horrid fate all
alone?!?"
Ranma-onna did her best 'Kawaii' routine, sparkles and all.
"With a smile on my face and a song in my heart."
"Ingrate!"
"Panda!"
"BOYS!" Nabiki said. "We have to deal with Kasumi -
preferrably before she hacks up the neighbors!"
"You're right!" Akane said. "Daddy, what do you think -
Daddy?"
Soun was hanging from a lighting fixture, his hair pale
white and sticking straight up. "Ga - ga - ga - ga -" he
babbled.
"Pansy!" Akane said.
"Leave him - he's got nothing to lose," Nabiki said
scornfully.
"But how are we going to get her?" Akane said.
"Lure her into a trap!" Ranma-onna said.
"With what?"
Ranma-onna grabbed Genma by the collar. "Bait!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The gaki was having a ball.
The girl was persistent, and was getting better at spotting
him. She must be very spiritually advanced.
She had put down a knife and stepped back.
The hungry spirit playfully nibbled at the knife.
[SMASH!] A flyswatter hit the spot where it sat.
Kasumi saw the flyswatter pass through the spirit.
"Oh fudge!" she exclaimed.
Kasumi racked her brain, trying to figure out how to get rid
of it.
Then she recalled - metal hurt spirits!
She'd always had a good throwing arm and eye - in her
childhood, she'd been a great baseball pitcher.
Grabbing a knife, she hurled it at the spot where the spirit
sat.
It leapt out of the way, sticking its tongue out and
emitting a raspberry, complete with spittle.
"Well, that's just rude!" she exclaimed, hurling several
more knives.
The knives stuck in the walls, the spirit dodging each one.
The gaki was beginning to get nervous. Some of those knives
had a ki-charge! They could *hurt* it!
This game was beginning to get serious.
* * * * * * * * * *
"You can't do this to me!" the bound Genma exclaimed as the
girls hoisted him into the tree.
"Oh, quit being such a baby!" Ranma-onna said. "'The Path of
the True Martial Artist is fraught with peril,'" she quoted.
"'You must be willing to sacrifice your life for the Art.'"
"My life, yes!" he squealed. "My manhood is another story!"
"What a baby," Nabiki said, shaking her head.
"At least let me wear my pants!"
"Nothing doing!" Akane said. "She has to have a target to
attack!"
"WAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Genma cried. "My ungrateful lout of a son
is leaving me to get my winkie cut off!!"
"Oh, quit your blubbering," Nabiki said. "Hopefully, we'll
have her before she can -" Nabiki stopped and looked at
Genma. "'Winkie'??"
Akane looked at the object in question. "'Winkie'," she
confirmed.
Ranma-onna laughed. "There's something I'm glad I didn't
inherit!"
"DO YOU MIND?!?" Genma yelled, blushing bright red.
"Are you sure about this?" Akane said.
"Can't miss!" Ranma-onna said. "as soon as she comes over to
Do The Deed -"
"EEEP!" Genma squeaked.
"Quiet, you. As soon as she steps up, we haul on the rope
and catch her in the cargo net. Can't miss!"
"Hush!" Nabiki said. "Here she comes! Hide!"
They all dived into the bushes, leaving the bound and
pantless Genma hanging from a tree.
* * * * * * * * * *
The spirit danced around the room, Kasumi trying to get a
clear bead on it.
It raspberried her again, and she let out a shower of knives
at it.
>From the angle she was at, she could see the tree, but not
Genma hanging off of it.
Genma squealed as a flurry of thrown knives passed within
inches of him.
The girls' eyes bugged out as the knives thunked into the
trunk of the tree.
Kasumi came out and pulled the knives from the tree trunk.
"You can't have sausages running around spitting at people,"
she said to herself. "It simply isn't proper."
"WAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Genma said.
"Oh! Hello, Uncle Saotome," Kasumi said politely. "I'm
sorry, but I can't get you down right now. I have something
to do. Excuse me."
A pale and chattering Genma hung from the tree, shivering.
"'Get me down'?" he muttered. "I may never 'get up' again!"
"Damn!" Ranma-onna exclaimed. "She didn't get into
position!"
"Thank the gods!" Genma said quite sincerely.
"Why not?" Akane said.
Ranma-onna looked at the 'bait'. "Perhaps she didn't feel it
was worth the effort."
"Hmmm ... You might have a point there, Saotome," Nabiki
said.
"Nothing to get excited about, that's for sure," Akane
agreed.
Genma just snarled.
Nabiki got thoughtful. "Perhaps with better 'bait' ..."
"What do you have in mind?" Ranma-onna asked. Then he
noticed that Akane and Nabiki were looking at him oddly.
"What?"
Nabiki came up with a steaming kettle.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!!" Ranma-onna yelled, running.
"GET BACK HERE, BOY!!" Genma cried. "SAVE YOUR POOR OLD
FATHER!!"
"OH NO YOU DON'T!!" Akane said, and gave chase, mallet held
high.
* * * * * * * * * *
Kasumi went through the garden, and around the backyard,
slowly moving her head, trying to see the spirit out of the
corner of her eye.
The gaki, for its part, was having more fun than it had had
in ages.
It popped up from behind a tree and raspberried her again,
narrowly dodging the knife she hurled.
It zipped away, trying not to get too close to her, while at
the same time trying to stay close enough to let it track
her.
It finally understood what poltergeists got out of their
work.
Happosai hopped over the wall, a bag of panties over his
shoulder.
"What a haul!" he crowed.
The gaki zipped *through* the bag (being a spirit, it could
do that).
Knives followed like snowflakes in a blizzard.
"YAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Happosai exclaimed as the sack shredded,
dropping all he undergarments in a pile on the ground.
"Oh, I'm sorry, Grandfather Happosai!" Kasumi said
contritely. "I was trying to hit that creature, and your bag
got in the way!"
The gaki stuck itself out and raspberried her again.
"A-HA!" she crowed, and began jabbing a knife into the
panty-pile.
Happosai, seeing Kasumi desecrate his precious collection
with knives, cried out in horror.
* * * * * * * * * *
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!"
"What was that?!?" Akane said, tying an out-cold Ranma (now
male) to the stake. "You don't think she ...got someone, do
you?"
"I don't know," Nabiki said.
Happosai ran into the dojo, babbling. "Kasumi ... gone mad
... underwear ... slashing ... the HORROR!!! THE HORROR!!!"
The aged master collapsed on the floor and cried.
"Oh my god," Akane said softly. "My wish came true."
Nabiki looked at her with surprise. "You, too?" She shook
her head. "Never mind that now - we have to set the trap."
Kicking Happosai out the door, she reached over and tore off
Ranma's boxers.
Akane had a look of apprehension on her face. "Nabiki - are
you sure we can get her before anything happens to ... oh my
..."
Nabiki looked at where Akane was staring, and did some
staring herself.
"Wow," she said. "If *that* doesn't attract Kasumi,
*nothing* will!"
"Oh yes, I'd want to go after that," Akane said absent-
mindedly.
"Excuse me?" Nabiki asked.
"EEP!!" Akane exclaimed, coming back to herself. "Nothing!
Nothing!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Kasumi almost lost the little spirit as she stoppd to
retrieve her knives, but spotted it heading into the dojo.
"A-HA! Now I got you!" she said.
Kasumi was enjoying herself. The thrill of the hunt, the
excitement ... she'd never felt anything quite like it!
Akane and Nabiki watched from behind a folding screen as
Kasumi came in, knives in both hands, a hungry look on her
face.
"You can't get away, you little monster!" she yelled. "I've
chopped hundreds of sausages in my day! And you won't be the
last!"
"'Hundreds'??" Akane exclaimed. "Could she have been doing
this all this time and no one caught her??"
Nabiki looked thoughtful. "They say that maniacs can look
just like normal people and live normal lives - and still do
their deeds, not being caught for years."
"Oh, poor Kasumi!" Akane wept.
Kasumi looked carefully around, out of the corner of her
eyes ... and saw it, dancing near that practice dummy.
"GOT YOU! she cried, knives flying from both hands.
"NOOOO!!!" Akane cried. leaping from hiding and throwing
herself in front of Ranma.
The spirit tried to dodge, to no avail. Knives thudded into
it's being, the metal of the blades and the slight ki-charge
affecting its spirit-matter.
Kasumi cheered with triumph. "YATTA!!"
Nabiki stared in amazement. She didn't know which was more
startling ...
The translucent thing Kasumi's knives had pinned to the
wall, barely visible ...
Or Akane on her knees, her arms wrapped around a pantless
and tied-up Ranma.
The spirit squealed, making Akane glance up. Ranma regained
consciousness and turned to the sound.
"Now, Mister Spirit," Kasumi chided, "You've disrupted this
house long enough. I'll release you, but I'll have to ask
you to leave."
The gaki nodded eagerly.
"All right," she said, pulling out the knives.
The gaki zoomed straight up out the ceiling and vanished.
"You mean - you were chasing that spirit all along?" Ranma
asked.
"Of course. What else would I be doing?" she said. Then she
turned to look at Ranma, and an expression of sheer horror
crossed her face.
"OH MY!!" she said.
Akane glanced at Ranma ... then realized at what angle she
was glancing at him from.
She looked away from his face ... and realized exactly what
she was looking at.
"YAAAAAHHHHH!!!" Akane exclaimed.
Ranma looked in the direction of the scream, and started
screaming, too.
Nabiki, meanwhile, was using up an entire roll of film.
Kasumi turned away, blushing. "That just isn't proper!"
* * * * * * * * * *
EPILOGUE
The Gaki eventually found itself a home in a fancy
restaurant run by a retired knife-thrower.
Soun never recovered, and was placed in a Home For Babbling Weenies.
Genma is still mooching off of the Tendo household.
Kasumi learned how to make spirit-wards and left home,
becoming a professional Ghost-Hunter.
Akane still periodically ties Ranma up in the dojo, and
Nabiki still takes pictures. But no one seems to mind.