At 06:34 AM 4/6/00 -0500, Gary Kleppe wrote:
Yes, I'm still writing this. Only half a chapter this time, but better
than nothing, no? :)
Yes, I'm still doing public C&C. This is my first one in well over a
month, but better than nothing, no? ^^;;
"Don't underestimate me, 'General.' I may be one mere human
being, but I'm an elder Amazon warrior. And unlike your major, I know my
opponents. He might fail, but I won't."
"one mere human being"? Hrm. A hint that this "General" isn't human, or
merely a red herring? I go with the former myself, but that may just be my
bias for supernatural conflict over military conflict.
Of course, given that this is a Ranma fanfic, having something extra-human
behind things (a la the Herb, Saffron or Ryugenzawa stories) makes sense.
Lieutenant Batachikhan did as he was told. No doubt the Amazon
behind him -- Shan Pu was the name he'd heard for her -- would kill him
in an instant if he didn't follow instructions. He had no idea why they
hadn't done away with him already. They were all crazy, these 'Amazons,'
Formatting note: the single quotes are only supposed to be used for making
quotations within quotation marks. I used to do this a lot myself, until
someone pointed out to me that it's incorrect, and it's taken me some time
to break myself of the habit.
every last one of them. Nothing but cold-blooded killers. Command
should've just dropped a bomb on the whole damn village and been done
with it.
An insight into the mentality of the average soldier involved in this
invasion? Telling.
Sauchuk turned in time to catch a glimpse of white fur before it
slipped away into the underbrush. "A cat? You're one sick, er... puppy,
Martinez."
*chuckle* This is how to break the fourth wall for humour value without
being intrusive.
"Morning, corporal. Anything to report?"
"Corporal" should be capitalized.
Why, she wondered, were things like this so painfully obvious,
but not until *after* it was too late to stop herself? Enough was
enough. Okay, maybe she couldn't stop herself from being jealous. But
she could lock her jealousy away deep inside herself where it wouldn't
cause harm to anyone. After all, it wasn't as if those feelings ever did
any good for her.
No, Akane--don't repress! Haven't you read Freud?
Ranma crawled quickly and quietly from vehicle top to vehicle
top. They were parked bumper to bumper in neatly arranged rows. There
were trucks, jeeps, and a few armored tanks; about thirty total.
As a way to avoid starting a sentence with "There were", let me suggest:
Ranma crawled quietly from vehicle top to vehicle top. Trucks, jeeps and a
few tanks -- about thirty total -- were parked bumper to bumper in neatly
arranged rows.
This must have been the place where he'd fought Shan Pu ten
years ago. He scanned over the surroundings, trying to jog his memory.
It had been too long ago for him to remember any of the buildings or
scenery, but the big open space was unmistakable.
I don't find this particularly sensible myself; what is it about the "big
open space" that makes it so unmistakable? After all, one big open space
looks much like another.
The Mongol soldiers were running around like the proverbial
decapitated chicken, guns clutched securely in hand as voices blared
>from the walkie-talkies they carried. It was easy for Akane to slip out
of the kitchens, then away from the village entirely, without being
noticed. When they looked, the Mongols would find the small
Japanese-made bottle that she'd left behind and know that her group, not
the Amazons, were to blame; but that wouldn't be until later.
Hrm. Considering the amount of trade that goes on between China and Japan,
I doubt that merely having a bottle marked MADE IN JAPAN would keep the
soldiers from laying the blame upon Ranma's group. If they want to make it
clear that they're responsible, why not something more obvious--a message
in the bottle, perhaps?
Akane sprang into the air, and landed on the roof, causing the
whole hut to shake. It was empty. The attacker was already gone. How
could anyone have gotten away so fast?
Happosai's return, with whatever it was he stole back in the prologues,
perhaps? (If I'm remembering the prologues correctly)
At the camp in the mountains, Hikaru Gosunkugi sat with Ti Pi
atop a flat boulder. About a meter high and twice as long, the rock
would've (and, for all Hikaru knew, had) made a good picnic table during
better times. Now, it served as the "conference room" in which the two
of them arranged ways to provoke the Mongols.
SC (in order to emphasize outdoor setting): Now, it served as the
"conference room" where the two of them arranged ways to provoke the Mongols.
Hikaru considered for a moment. "Ryoga. He's the strongest of
the group, and besides, Ke Lun taught him that attack that makes rocks
blow up by touching them."
"The Breaking Point? You think he could adapt it against armor?"
Considering that he's demonstrated the ability to adapt it to wood (the
Magic Mushrooms story), I think this is plausible.
The two Mongol soldiers walked off. Concealed in the shadows, a
duck watched. The camera hanging by a strap from its neck bobbed back
and forth as it lifted its head. And to the extent that a duck can
smile, this one did, knowing that everything was going according to
plan.
"Soon, they all--the Amazons, the Mongols, his so-called "friends"--would
pay! The duck would have his revenge!"
* * *
It's very nice to see you working on this again, Gary. The guerilla
tactics of Ranma and company against the invaders were nicely done. Plot
seems to be moving forward at a fairly sedate pace, although I get the
sense that everything is building towards one of those "boiling point"
explosions.
Not much to say beyond that. I hope the next part comes out quickly. :)
Ciao,
-Alan Harnum