Hi, Morgan!
Wow, a public C&C. I must have hit my head and woke up Alan Harnum, or
someone. ^_^
I can�t speak for other people, but I�m certainly glad you went public. Do
it more often!
Anyway, as always consider anything I say IMHO. Feel free to ignore me as
much or as little as you see fit.
Me, ignore you?! Never! ^_^
BTW, I strongly urge anybody still paying attention to read this fic. If
you
haven't read it yet, give it a glance. Robotech fans rejoice; Ranma fans...
well, don't be afraid, it won't hurt you. ^_^
Hear his words! He�s a wise man. ^_^
Please read, and send C&C. If you have enough free time, take a look at
the
author�s notes at the end.
Yessir! As ordered, sir!
At ease, pilot.
>Love the opening! It really adds to the feeling that this is more a legend
than a story, and does a great job of setting the mood.
Thanks. I actually thought it was a bit too long. I was afraid it could put
off some readers.
<SNIP SAFFRON>
Good description of the Phoenix King. In fact, I think it's one of the
better I've read.
Oh, I�m sure there�re _much_ better ones out there. But thanks.
The martial artist, on the contrary, was still young, and had not
I notice you use "young" twice. There's no problem with that, but you might
want to change one of the "young"s to "a novice", or "inexperienced", or
the
like.
I�ll look for a convenient word.
Huh. Like I'm one to talk. Look how often my characters shrug. ^_^
Heh. Now that you say it... ^_^
<BIG SNIP>
In many opportunities Akane was kidnapped, or endangered somehow,
and
"In many opportunities?" I think you want to say "On many occasions" or
even
"Many times". It just sounds a little better.
Yeah. Will change.
every single time Ranma fought harder than ever before, and rescued her.
Thus everybody came to believe he would always win, for, after all,
doesn't
the hero always save the damsel in distress?
No, he doesn't.
I like the way you put that. I just do.
Thanks, man (I�ll never get tired of saying �thanks�, I�m sure ^_^).
So, when Saffron came and told Ranma his fianc�e would die if he
didn't
defeat him, everyone couldn't help but think: 'There is nothing to worry
about. Ranma will win once again, and Akane will be safe,' and they were
both wrong and right.
This makes it sound like Ranma lost, and Akane survived. Try switching it
to
"both right and wrong".
Oops. You�re right.
You know, even though I'm snipping a lot of it (no errors), I really like
the fact you have a brief scene before jumping into the disclaimer and
title. It's almost like a movie, or television show, where they give you a
quick "hook" to get your attention, and THEN run the credits.
That was the idea. If the �hook� was interesting enough, time will tell.
---
DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 belongs to the brilliant Takahashi Rumiko.
Robotech
is
owned by Harmony Gold USA, Inc. No copyright infringement is intended.
Robotech is also owned by Carl Macek. And, I guess, Jack McKinney. Viz
Video
has the rights to the Ranma 1/2 anime, and Viz Comics owns the Ranma 1/2
comic, at least here is North America. I don't know who owns the comic
rights Robotech at the moment (Comico? Antarctic? Dark Horse? Marvel?), but
may God have mercy on their souls because they haven't made one worth
reading yet.
O_O Well, my disclaimer�ll have to be a bit larger.
That was just some extra information. Your disclaimer's fine as is.
Pheew. For a moment there, I panicked. ^_^
I just
wanted to rail at the idiots who keep screwing up Robotech comics. Can you
believe they once had Roy Fokker change spacesuits while in the cockpit of
his fighter? And on the same page! Heck, the Veritech they had him flying
wasn't even invented until years after his death!
You know, I bought a few of them a couple of years ago. There were _8_
SDFs!!! I set them on fire as soon as I saw that. ^_^
Okay, deep breaths... I'm better now. Really. Let's move on.
Heh. Let�s.
Ranma walked slowly through the streets of Macross, enjoying the
comforting warmth the shining sun was giving him. His eyes were closed,
his
senses outstretched to their limits so he could feel every single thing
happening around him, no matter how trivial it seemed to be: the
gentlest
breeze, the tiniest leaf shaking in the trees, the almost non-existent
sound
he made while walking, the hardness of the lamp post against his
cheekbone...
Okay, this was just plain funny. So much for being in tune with the rest of
the universe, eh? ^_^
Heh. Well, I�m not much into darkfics, so there�ll be all sad, happy and
funny moments in this story... as in real life.
<SNIP FLASHBACK>
Well done, though. I liked the bit with the mosquitoes.
There are tons of mosquitoes down here. They are the worst!
Well, he was tired now. Tired of all the craziness. He just
wanted--needed--calm. Some quite place for resting and thinking. For
deciding what to do with his life. Maybe after he got rid of those
flowers
he could stay in Macross. And he could open a dojo of his own. Yes! And
then
he could find Ryoga and together they would finish with those damned
amazons
once and for all. And...
Er, damned Amazons? Since when? Ranma doesn't hate the Amazons, as far as I
can tell. Cologne teaches him new moves, Mousse is actually a kind-of
friend, and Shampoo isn't hated - just feared. (Y'know, Ranma and
c-c-c-cats...)
Actually, this is a reference to his past, which I was planning on
explaining later in the story.
Does he blame the Amazons for Akane's death, or something? If this is
hinting at something that happened in his past, or will happen in the
future, try to hint a little louder.
Okay, good point. It�s just that in your thoughts, you don�t explain things
to yourself. Don�t worry, though, I�ll do something.
<MINI-SNIP>
He was about to start with the always difficult task of talking to
Akane
without putting his foot in his mouth, when she suddenly called him out.
"Ranma, look! In the sky, it's a falling star!"
Hehehe. If it's not fiancees, or parents, or curses, it's a crashing Super
Dimensional Fortress. Ain't that always the way? You're trying to tell a
girl you love her, and a UFO crashes on you. ^_^
Hehehe. ^_^
<SEMI-SNIP>
That's something he would have loved to do: travel through the
space,
see the galaxy--like an astronaut. Ha! Could you imagine that? Ranma
Saotome: the astronaut. Ryoga would laugh for a whole hour if I told
this
to
him, thought Ranma, shaking his head. Soon, the falling star was out of
sight, hidden behind the horizon.
It kind of makes sense that Ranma would hide that dream from people. Genma
would be angry at his son wanting to be anything but a martial artist, and
everybody else would probably laugh at him and think he was too stupid to
pull it off.
That�s what I thought.
It's almost too bad this is the wish he's probably getting. Some of his
other ones would have been nice.
Well, you can only get one wish... and I decide which one. ^_^
"You should ask for a wish, Ranma. They say it always comes true,"
said
Akane with that caring, warm voice he would always remember as hers in
later years.
Considering this is the SDF-1, I'll be surprised if his wish DOESN'T come
true.
Tell Ranma that!
"Eh... Okay." He already knew what his wish was going to be: he
wanted
to be the best martial artist in the world. That would be great. No,
wait!
He also needed a cure for his curse. What was the use of being the best
if
you are only a half-man? Besides, I _already_ am the best, Ranma
thought,
a
cocky grin in his lips.
Glurk. Did he just wish for power? Oh, MAN, he's going to wish he'd never
wished for power to a Protoculture ship. The Shapings have a really sick
sense of humour. Zor will back me up on this.
The Shapings have a really sick sense of humor... and me too! ^_^
<SNIP - SORRY>
Nothing knew Ranma then about the Super Dimensional Fortress One, or
This sounds awkward. Try : "Ranma knew nothing about the Super Dimensional
Fortress One, then, or about..."
Right. Will change.
about the importance its arrival would have for the human race. In that
ever
so short moment when the alien ship--after three rather catastrophic
complete orbits around the globe--decided to make its presence known,
all
he
could think of was to get Akane as far away from it as possible... and
fast.
Wow. Ranma's getting smart. Of course, he usually makes a point of getting
Akane somewhere safe before he starts getting in trouble.
True. Besides, you don�t have too be too smart to run away from an
out-of-control SDF-1. ^_^
<SNIP>
Their were the first eyes to fall upon the SDF-1, and even when they
didn�t understand it then, a new era had begun.
"Theirs were the first..." There's two of them , man. You have to pluralize
it.
Oops. Sorry. Will fix.
Remember I�m a newbie. ^_^
---
Up in the air, over his head, six planes flew in tight formation.
Ranma,
led by the stares of the awed public, caught sight of them, and couldn�t
but
be impressed at these beautiful fighters. Even when he wasn�t very
interested in war machines such as those, Ranma had seen quite a lot of
different combat planes during his life--as every other person who lived
in
the Global Civil War times. None looked like these: precise, swift,
sleek,
deathly. A shiny canopy and lots of ammo completed the picture.
Ah, the Veritech Transformable Fighter! The single most recognised mecha in
all of anime. Sure, it's usually mistaken for an Autobot, but it's still
recognised! I think it actually beat out both Voltrons for most popular war
robot of 1987.
Autobots are nothing! ^_^
(You autobots� fans out there, it was a joke. Don�t kill me)
He thought he remembered hearing about them somewhere. �Veritech
fighters� they were called, if his memory worked. One of the new United
Earth Government�s most secret projects. Well, at least as secret as
every
other thing even remotely related to the so-called Robotechnology is
nowadays. What�s all the fuss about? he asked himself. They aren�t more
than
a new model of plane, right?
Boy, he's just walking into that one, isn't he? He's going to swallow his
gum the first time he sees one go Battloid.
You read my mind.
<SNIP>
Around him, people gasped in amazement as the white VTs executed a
dive,
only to level up at the last possible moment. Yet, no matter what these
Veritech fighters could do, to Ranma there was only one star in this
show:
the SDF-1. In his eyes, nothing could even start to be compared with the
titanic spaceship that had irrupted in his life so long ago.
I think you have a typo. The titanic spaceship that "interrupted" in his
life...
Yep. But now that I�m reading it, it doesn�t sound that good. Maybe:
...that had burst into...
I�ll see.
Ranma was no engineer, but he doubted something made by mankind
could
stand such a crash. It had to be some secret government project, maybe a
new
weapon constructed by the Neasians. Or it could be some kind of UFO,
came
from another pl--He really had to stop watching those damned American
movies, they brought strange ideas to his head.
Yeah! Ranma needs to watch some good old-fashioned anime, like Voltron, or
Dragonball Z, or Teknoman, or Bio-Booster Armour : Guyver. THOSE shows are
NEVER about alien invasions. ^_^
Hehe. Okay, okay. How about:
...to stop reading so much manga...
You�re happy, now? ^_^
Whatever it was, something about it made his hair stand on end.
Wow. He isn't actually developing... ?
He
couldn�t be sure, being so far from the smoldering ship, but he thought
he
could see movement in its hull. Perhaps he ought to take a look at that
thing. Yeah, that�s exactly what I should do, he decided.
Ranma : and after I look at the fallen spaceship, I'll go investigate that
dark and spooky basement. I been hearin' weird noises comin' from down
there...
Heheheh. ^_^
Whew. For a second, I thought he was getting some common sense. Close call.
Ranma? Nah... ^_^
<SNIP>
Some guy dressed in a military dress uniform appeared on the stage, and
the
throng greeted him fervently. Tall and proud, with finely chiseled
features
and a thick mop of blond hair, he fell into a relaxed posture, hands
locked
behind his back. Certainly good looking. Handsome even, if you like the
pilot jock type.
Heh, I�m much more handsome! praised himself Ranma. Besides, It�s
not
like I need an uniform to attract girls... Yeah, I can use either
martial
arts or Pop�s arrangements for that.
Oh, no. He's comparing himself to Roy Fokker? I don't think I want to be
here when he meets Rick Hunter. The combination of THOSE two egos could
power a fair sized city. Like, say, Mega-Tokyo.
And remember this is an older Ranma, with an even bigger ego. He could power
two Mega-Tokyo, all by himself. ^_^
There only was one thing he didn�t understand: what were they all
laughing about?
Uh-oh, spoke too soon. Hi, Rick! Long time no see! I've been spending way
too much time with Dana and the 15 ATAC...
Heh.
<SNIP>
"What else? We get into this... whatever, and see if there�s
anyone."
Actually, _I_ get inside it and you stay waiting safely outside, added
Ranma
mentally.
That plan ought to last about two seconds, if I know Akane...
Ranma�s plans almost never work, so...
"Ranma! Over here!" Akane was no more than a mile away, standing
next
to
some sort of circular protuberance and waving for him to come. "I think
I
found a hatch!"
Behind her, the hatch snapped open.
I knew it! He's going to find bits of her floating in a tank of goo, isn't
he?
Heheh. I was tempted, I admit it. ^_^
<SNIP>
Well, well, well. It seems he has an important position after all.
Much
better, thought Ranma as he waited for the sentries to get confirmation.
The day was just getting better and better.
Every single time Ranma Saotome (or Rick Hunter, now that I think of it)
thinks that, things always start to go horribly, horribly, HORRIBLY wrong.
Keep saying �horribly� for an hour and you�ll be right. ^_^
But when he finally arrived, one of those nightmarish tentacles had
already
Akane in an iron grip, and was waving her through the air. Akane
screamed
and struggled against it, but to no avail.
Eeew! She's going to be in a tank of goo! She's going to be in a tank of
goo!
Heh. No, she is not. But if I ever rewrite this... ^_^
He never knew how, but Ranma managed to stay relatively calm while
this
was happening. Thinking quickly, he shot a Moko Takabisha to the
tentacle
that held Akane. It broke in half and went limp, immediately releasing
its
prey. Using another of the tentacles as a springboard, he caught Akane
as
she was falling down and, without even looking back, ran for the woods.
She's... not? Oh. Nice save, Ranma. Running away was actually a smart idea.
Guess that Saotome Secret Technique applies to spaceships, too...
...and to fianc�es, and to mothers, and... ^_^
When they reached the beach, Akane was still a bit shaken, but she
seemed to be calming down rather quickly. He guessed living in Nerima
had
somehow hardened her, or something. He started to put their stuff in the
boat when Akane suddenly gave a yelp. He whirled around, half-expecting
to
see more of those damned tentacles attacking them.
"Oh, no! I forgot my backpack in the tent!" she hurriedly said. "I
have
to go back to get it! My diary is in it!"
You know, the same darn thing nearly kills Lynn-Minmei. And Lisa Hayes, and
Annie "Mint" LaBelle, and Rook Bartley, and Randolf "Rand" O'Keefe...
Sheesh! At
least the girl's in good company. ^_^
Believe it or not, I came up with this thinking in Minmei.
I�ll never let my girlfriend keep a diary. It�s just too dangerous. ^_^
<SNIP>
Be patient, calm down, he ordered himself.
Not having nothing else to do, he started lazily looking around. To
his
"Not having *anything* better to do,"
Right again.
left, to his right, up, and down his gaze traveled. He studied the
soldiers.
They were all wearing green and brown fatigues and brown boots. Looking
carefully, Ranma distinguished the letters �RDF� neatly embroidered in
the
fabric. They seemed very relaxed, calmly chatting among themselves, some
smiling or even laughing.
<SNIP TO END>
Hi, people. This is my first fic, so I don�t want C&C, I _need_ C&C. Any
kind: private, public, short, extensive, whatever. Please. And be blunt,
I
really wish to improve my writing skills.
Okay, here you go! Hope it tides you over a little.
A little. ^_^
Do as this man, FFMLers. PLEASE!!!
Basically, your story is great. It has a good flow, great characterisation,
and a rather interesting plot. I particularly like the non-obtrusive way
you
introduce Ranma to Robotech. It's believable, and he isn't stepping on any
toes right away : just another face in the crowd. Also, it's good to see
you
included and alluded to certain famous scenes - the "ring around the moon"
and the "Air Show Show-Off" among them - but didn't bore us by recapping
them word for word. We know what happened, and if it didn't really change,
why retell us, right?
Yeah. That�s the idea. If I have to retell something, I try to change
descriptions and such. Who would want to read the same thing twice?
But things _will_ change. You�ll see.
Why a Ranma/Robotech crossover? Well, they are my favourite series, and
I
think I have a fairly good idea.
You certainly do, man. As a fellow cross-over writer, I encourage you : we
need more good cross-overs!
Go crossovers!
Anyway, that's about it for me. Be well!
Thank you very very much for the extensive AND public C&C. I owe you. Bye
and good luck,
Latin_D