Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Silent Battles, Deaf Victories - Chapter 1
From: Morgan Hudson
Date: 4/8/2000, 8:47 PM
To: Latin_D
CC: ffml@fanfic.com
Reply-to:


Greetings!

Wow, a public C&C. I must have hit my head and woke up Alan Harnum, or
someone. ^_^

Anyway, as always consider anything I say IMHO. Feel free to ignore me as
much or as little as you see fit.

BTW, I strongly urge anybody still paying attention to read this fic. If you
haven't read it yet, give it a glance. Robotech fans rejoice; Ranma fans...
well, don't be afraid, it won't hurt you. ^_^

 Please read, and send C&C. If you have enough free time, take a look at
the
 authorīs notes at the end.

Yessir! As ordered, sir!
  
 
     Since the Beginning of Time, infinite battles have been fought. Some
 were petty, other ones, heroic. But only a few could be compared to the
one
 held between a misguided godling and a young martial artist, in times
when
 magic had been almost forgotten, and true warriors were rare.

Love the opening! It really adds to the feeling that this is more a legend
than a story, and does a great job of setting the mood.
  
<SNIP SAFFRON>

Good description of the Phoenix King. In fact, I think it's one of the
better I've read. 
  
     The martial artist, on the contrary, was still young, and had not

I notice you use "young" twice. There's no problem with that, but you might
want to change one of the "young"s to "a novice", or "inexperienced", or the
like. 

Huh. Like I'm one to talk. Look how often my characters shrug. ^_^

<BIG SNIP>

     In many opportunities Akane was kidnapped, or endangered somehow, and

"In many opportunities?" I think you want to say "On many occasions" or even
"Many times". It just sounds a little better. 

 every single time Ranma fought harder than ever before, and rescued her.
 Thus everybody came to believe he would always win, for, after all,
doesn't
 the hero always save the damsel in distress?
 
     No, he doesn't.

I like the way you put that. I just do.

     So, when Saffron came and told Ranma his fiancée would die if he
didn't
 defeat him, everyone couldn't help but think: 'There is nothing to worry
 about. Ranma will win once again, and Akane will be safe,' and they were
 both wrong and right.

This makes it sound like Ranma lost, and Akane survived. Try switching it to
"both right and wrong".

You know, even though I'm snipping a lot of it (no errors), I really like
the fact you have a brief scene before jumping into the disclaimer and
title. It's almost like a movie, or television show, where they give you a
quick "hook" to get your attention, and THEN run the credits. 
  
 ---
 
 
 DISCLAIMER: Ranma 1/2 belongs to the brilliant Takahashi Rumiko. Robotech
is
 owned by Harmony Gold USA, Inc. No copyright infringement is intended.

Robotech is also owned by Carl Macek. And, I guess, Jack McKinney. Viz Video
has the rights to the Ranma 1/2 anime, and Viz Comics owns the Ranma 1/2
comic, at least here is North America. I don't know who owns the comic
rights Robotech at the moment (Comico? Antarctic? Dark Horse? Marvel?), but
may God have mercy on their souls because they haven't made one worth
reading yet. 
  
That was just some extra information. Your disclaimer's fine as is. I just
wanted to rail at the idiots who keep screwing up Robotech comics. Can you
believe they once had Roy Fokker change spacesuits while in the cockpit of
his fighter? And on the same page! Heck, the Veritech they had him flying
wasn't even invented until years after his death!

Okay, deep breaths... I'm better now. Really. Let's move on.

     Ranma walked slowly through the streets of Macross, enjoying the
 comforting warmth the shining sun was giving him. His eyes were closed,
his
 senses outstretched to their limits so he could feel every single thing
 happening around him, no matter how trivial it seemed to be: the gentlest
 breeze, the tiniest leaf shaking in the trees, the almost non-existent
sound
 he made while walking, the hardness of the lamp post against his
 cheekbone...

Okay, this was just plain funny. So much for being in tune with the rest of
the universe, eh? ^_^
  
<SNIP FLASHBACK>

Well done, though. I liked the bit with the mosquitoes.

     Well, he was tired now. Tired of all the craziness. He just
 wanted--needed--calm. Some quite place for resting and thinking. For
 deciding what to do with his life. Maybe after he got rid of those
flowers
 he could stay in Macross. And he could open a dojo of his own. Yes! And
then
 he could find Ryoga and together they would finish with those damned
amazons
 once and for all. And...

Er, damned Amazons? Since when? Ranma doesn't hate the Amazons, as far as I
can tell. Cologne teaches him new moves, Mousse is actually a kind-of
friend, and Shampoo isn't hated - just feared. (Y'know, Ranma and
c-c-c-cats...)

Does he blame the Amazons for Akane's death, or something? If this is
hinting at something that happened in his past, or will happen in the
future, try to hint a little louder. 

<MINI-SNIP>
  
     He was about to start with the always difficult task of talking to
Akane
 without putting his foot in his mouth, when she suddenly called him out.
 "Ranma, look! In the sky, it's a falling star!"

Hehehe. If it's not fiancees, or parents, or curses, it's a crashing Super
Dimensional Fortress. Ain't that always the way? You're trying to tell a
girl you love her, and a UFO crashes on you. ^_^
  
<SEMI-SNIP>

     That's something he would have loved to do: travel through the space,
 see the galaxy--like an astronaut. Ha! Could you imagine that? Ranma
 Saotome: the astronaut. Ryoga would laugh for a whole hour if I told this
to
 him, thought Ranma, shaking his head. Soon, the falling star was out of
 sight, hidden behind the horizon.

It kind of makes sense that Ranma would hide that dream from people. Genma
would be angry at his son wanting to be anything but a martial artist, and
everybody else would probably laugh at him and think he was too stupid to
pull it off. 

It's almost too bad this is the wish he's probably getting. Some of his
other ones would have been nice.
  
     "You should ask for a wish, Ranma. They say it always comes true,"
said
 Akane with that caring, warm voice he would always remember as hers in
 later years.

Considering this is the SDF-1, I'll be surprised if his wish DOESN'T come
true.
  
     "Eh... Okay." He already knew what his wish was going to be: he
wanted
 to be the best martial artist in the world. That would be great. No,
wait!
 He also needed a cure for his curse. What was the use of being the best
if
 you are only a half-man? Besides, I _already_ am the best, Ranma thought,
a
 cocky grin in his lips. 

Glurk. Did he just wish for power? Oh, MAN, he's going to wish he'd never
wished for power to a Protoculture ship. The Shapings have a really sick
sense of humour. Zor will back me up on this. 

<SNIP - SORRY>

 
     Nothing knew Ranma then about the Super Dimensional Fortress One, or

This sounds awkward. Try : "Ranma knew nothing about the Super Dimensional
Fortress One, then, or about..."

 about the importance its arrival would have for the human race. In that
ever
 so short moment when the alien ship--after three rather catastrophic
 complete orbits around the globe--decided to make its presence known, all
he
 could think of was to get Akane as far away from it as possible... and
fast.

Wow. Ranma's getting smart. Of course, he usually makes a point of getting
Akane somewhere safe before he starts getting in trouble.
  
<SNIP>

     Their were the first eyes to fall upon the SDF-1, and even when they
 didnīt understand it then, a new era had begun.

"Theirs were the first..." There's two of them , man. You have to pluralize
it.

 ---
 
     Up in the air, over his head, six planes flew in tight formation.
Ranma,
 led by the stares of the awed public, caught sight of them, and couldnīt
but
 be impressed at these beautiful fighters. Even when he wasnīt very
 interested in war machines such as those, Ranma had seen quite a lot of
 different combat planes during his life--as every other person who lived
in
 the Global Civil War times. None looked like these: precise, swift,
sleek,
 deathly. A shiny canopy and lots of ammo completed the picture.

Ah, the Veritech Transformable Fighter! The single most recognised mecha in
all of anime. Sure, it's usually mistaken for an Autobot, but it's still
recognised! I think it actually beat out both Voltrons for most popular war
robot of 1987.
  
     He thought he remembered hearing about them somewhere. īVeritech
 fightersī they were called, if his memory worked. One of the new United
 Earth Governmentīs most secret projects. Well, at least as secret as
every
 other thing even remotely related to the so-called Robotechnology is
 nowadays. Whatīs all the fuss about? he asked himself. They arenīt more
than
 a new model of plane, right?

Boy, he's just walking into that one, isn't he? He's going to swallow his
gum the first time he sees one go Battloid. 
  
<SNIP>

     Around him, people gasped in amazement as the white VTs executed a
dive,
 only to level up at the last possible moment. Yet, no matter what these
 Veritech fighters could do, to Ranma there was only one star in this
show:
 the SDF-1. In his eyes, nothing could even start to be compared with the
 titanic spaceship that had irrupted in his life so long ago.

I think you have a typo. The titanic spaceship that "interrupted" in his
life...

 ---
 
     Astonishingly, the ship itself, though burnt and obviously damaged,
 seemed to be in one piece. It barely fit in the tiny island, and was
quickly
 cooling in the fresh morning air. The nearby forest, however, had not
been
 so lucky. It had been devastated during the unexpected landing: a large
 crater surrounded the wreck where the land had crumbled, and outside its
 area, most of the trees were uprooted or leafless and dead.
 
     Ranma was no engineer, but he doubted something made by mankind could
 stand such a crash. It had to be some secret government project, maybe a
new
 weapon constructed by the Neasians. Or it could be some kind of UFO, came
 from another pl--He really had to stop watching those damned American
 movies, they brought strange ideas to his head.

Yeah! Ranma needs to watch some good old-fashioned anime, like Voltron, or
Dragonball Z, or Teknoman, or Bio-Booster Armour : Guyver. THOSE shows are
NEVER about alien invasions. ^_^
  
     Whatever it was, something about it made his hair stand on end.

Wow. He isn't actually developing... ?

He
 couldnīt be sure, being so far from the smoldering ship, but he thought
he
 could see movement in its hull. Perhaps he ought to take a look at that
 thing. Yeah, thatīs exactly what I should do, he decided.

Ranma : and after I look at the fallen spaceship, I'll go investigate that
dark and spooky basement. I been hearin' weird noises comin' from down
there...

Whew. For a second, I thought he was getting some common sense. Close call.

<SNIP>
  
 Some guy dressed in a military dress uniform appeared on the stage, and
the
 throng greeted him fervently. Tall and proud, with finely chiseled
features
 and a thick mop of blond hair, he fell into a relaxed posture, hands
locked
 behind his back. Certainly good looking. Handsome even, if you like the
 pilot jock type.
 
     Heh, Iīm much more handsome! praised himself Ranma. Besides, Itīs not
 like I need an uniform to attract girls... Yeah, I can use either martial
 arts or Popīs arrangements for that.

Oh, no. He's comparing himself to Roy Fokker? I don't think I want to be
here when he meets Rick Hunter. The combination of THOSE two egos could
power a fair sized city. Like, say, Mega-Tokyo. 

     There only was one thing he didnīt understand: what were they all
 laughing about?

Uh-oh, spoke too soon. Hi, Rick! Long time no see! I've been spending way
too much time with Dana and the 15 ATAC... 

<SNIP>
  
     "What else? We get into this... whatever, and see if thereīs anyone."
 Actually, _I_ get inside it and you stay waiting safely outside, added
Ranma
 mentally.

That plan ought to last about two seconds, if I know Akane...
  
     "Ranma! Over here!" Akane was no more than a mile away, standing next
to
 some sort of circular protuberance and waving for him to come. "I think I
 found a hatch!"
 
     Behind her, the hatch snapped open.

I knew it! He's going to find bits of her floating in a tank of goo, isn't
he? 

<SNIP>
  
     Well, well, well. It seems he has an important position after all.
Much
 better, thought Ranma as he waited for the sentries to get confirmation.
 
     The day was just getting better and better.
Every single time Ranma Saotome (or Rick Hunter, now that I think of it)
thinks that, things always start to go horribly, horribly, HORRIBLY wrong. 
  
 ---
 
     As in slow motion, Ranma could see the hatch open in two, both halves
 sliding apart with almost no sound. He could see as five segmented
metallic
 tentacles shot out from the dark hole. He could see how one of them
snaked
 towards an unsuspecting Akane, who hadnīt still noticed them. He tried to
 tell her to move out of the way, but it was all happening too quickly.
All
 he could do is run, and hope against hope that he would reach her in
time.
 But when he finally arrived, one of those nightmarish tentacles had
already
 Akane in an iron grip, and was waving her through the air. Akane screamed
 and struggled against it, but to no avail.

Eeew! She's going to be in a tank of goo! She's going to be in a tank of
goo!
  
     He never knew how, but Ranma managed to stay relatively calm while
this
 was happening. Thinking quickly, he shot a Moko Takabisha to the tentacle
 that held Akane. It broke in half and went limp, immediately releasing
its
 prey. Using another of the tentacles as a springboard, he caught  Akane
as
 she was falling down and, without even looking back, ran for the woods.

She's... not? Oh. Nice save, Ranma. Running away was actually a smart idea.
Guess that Saotome Secret Technique applies to spaceships, too...
  
     When they reached the beach, Akane was still a bit shaken, but she
 seemed to be calming down rather quickly. He guessed living in Nerima had
 somehow hardened her, or something. He started to put their stuff in the
 boat when Akane suddenly gave a yelp. He whirled around, half-expecting
to
 see more of those damned tentacles attacking them.
 
     "Oh, no! I forgot my backpack in the tent!" she hurriedly said. "I
have
 to go back to get it! My diary is in it!"

You know, the same darn thing nearly kills Lynn-Minmei. And Lisa Hayes, and
Annie "Mint" LaBelle, and Rook Bartley, and Randolf "Rand" O'Keefe...
Sheesh! At
least the girl's in good company. ^_^
  
<SNIP>

     Be patient, calm down, he ordered himself.
 
     Not having nothing else to do, he started lazily looking around. To
his

"Not having *anything* better to do,"

 left, to his right, up, and down his gaze traveled. He studied the
soldiers.
 They were all wearing green and brown fatigues and brown boots. Looking
 carefully, Ranma distinguished the letters īRDFī neatly embroidered in
the
 fabric. They seemed very relaxed, calmly chatting among themselves, some
 smiling or even laughing.

<SNIP TO END>
  
 Hi, people. This is my first fic, so I donīt want C&C, I _need_ C&C. Any
 kind: private, public, short, extensive, whatever. Please. And be blunt,
I
 really wish to improve my writing skills.

Okay, here you go! Hope it tides you over a little. 

Basically, your story is great. It has a good flow, great characterisation,
and a rather interesting plot. I particularly like the non-obtrusive way you
introduce Ranma to Robotech. It's believable, and he isn't stepping on any
toes right away : just another face in the crowd. Also, it's good to see you
included and alluded to certain famous scenes - the "ring around the moon"
and the "Air Show Show-Off" among them - but didn't bore us by recapping
them word for word. We know what happened, and if it didn't really change,
why retell us, right? 
  
 Why a Ranma/Robotech crossover? Well, they are my favourite series, and I
 think I have a fairly good idea.

You certainly do, man. As a fellow cross-over writer, I encourage you : we
need more good cross-overs! 
  
Anyway, that's about it for me. Be well!

Ja ne!

-Morgan Hudson





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