'Allo!
It's been a while since I wrote anything, so, here
goes nothing. Please, let me know if you see anything
that needs correcting (grammar, usage, etc.)
Here goes nothing! ^_^
If you disagree with any suggestions I make, feel free to ignore
them with impunity ^_^
The Masshin Chronicles
Prologue
Shidoe Hikaru,
Is this the official spelling? (I honestly don't know) I've always
seen it written as Shidou.
and her husband, Kailu Lantis, watched
as their son, Shidoe Musuko, played outside with Koi-chan,
his baby flying carp. The nature of their son's pet was not
the only unusual aspect of their lives, but was definitely
the most visibly apparent. You see, Kailu Lantis, the
swordsman, was brother to Zagato, the same Zagato who had
loved the previous Pillar of Cephiro, and nearly destroyed
I'd write:
and who had nearly destroyed
all of that magical realm so that she would not be forced
to live her entire life constantly praying for others.
Shidoe Hikaru, herself, was the current Pillar, but who had
but had
found in her friends and family a base of support strong
enough to allow her a life of her own. That life, four
years ago, grew to include little Musuko.
I'd write:
Four years ago, that life had grown to (etc)
or
a life of her own; a life which, four years ago, had grown to (etc)
Musuko had red hair, like his mother, but slightly
I'd get rid of that second comma:
like his mother's but slightly darker,
darker, and had his father's sharp features. His eyes were
bright blue, with a sparkle of mischeviousness
mischieviousness
that made
the palace staff nervous every time he grinned in that
certain way. Guru Clef, the Pillar's advisor, had just six
months ago presented Musuko with Koi-chan with the intent
of helping keep the boy out of too much trouble.
Unfortunately, the assistance of a six-foot flying carp
just allowed him
I'd write:
of a six-foot flying carp merely allowed him
(since you used 'just' only a sentence ago)
to get in even more trouble than ever
before. His tunic and breeches were always in need of
repair, and he was as dirty as any four year old would be.
I'd write:
as any four-year-old could be.
He loved mud puddles, rolling around in the dirt with his
playmates in mock wrestling,
I'd cut out the 'in mock wrestling' bit.
and playing that odd
'basuball' game his mother and her friends, Umi and Fuu,
described.
I'd write:
that his mother and her friends Umi and Fuu had described.
They made up their own rules, of course, as very
young boys are apt to do,
For some reason I want to replace this with 'are wont to do,' but
I'm not quite sure why ^_^;;
Plus I'd end the sentence here.
and no one was ever quite sure
who won, content that everyone had enjoyed themselves.
I'd write:
who won, but were simply content that (etc)
A sweet observation about young children ^_^
Hikaru thought about her friends, both the natives of
Cephiro, such as Presea, Caldina, Ascot, and Lafarga, and
the two girls who were her best friends and adopted
sisters, Ryuuzaki Umi and Hououji Fuu.
They had come to
I'd write:
The three of them had come to
Cephiro as young girls, barely fourteen, and had been forced
to fight against Zagato and Emeraude, the Pillar, herself, to
I'd cut out some of those commas:
and Emeraude the Pillar herself to
(Just because you like using reeeally long sentences with tons of
commas. It gets a bit confusing.)
save this mystic realm, as the Legendary Magic Knights. The
trauma and fear of this so-called grand adventure bound the
had bound
three together tighter than any blood sisters, and the
fight, still later, against Eagle and the other forces
arrayed against Cephiro had cemented that bond. When the
dust had settled, they stayed in Cephiro,
had stayed
despite advice to
the contrary, and married their loves. Fuu, of course,
married Ferio, the little brother of Emeraude, while Umi
married the young summoner, Ascot. As has been said, Hikaru
married Lantis.
A hand on her shoulder broke her out of her reverie.
"You know, Hi-chan, that son of yours is going to be a
heartbreaker in a decade or two," laughed Caldina, a
I'd write:
or two," said Caldina with a laugh, a (etc)
('cause people generally aren't able to laugh dialogue. At least
not coherently ^_^)
tinkling laugh that was almost indistinguishable from the
sound of the bells on her wrists and ankles.
Hikaru turned, and smiled.
turned and smiled.
"I know, Cal-chan. And we'd
better make sure that Musuko and your little Colvette don't
Corvette? ^v^ Continuing with the car theme, I see!
start too soon. They're almost inseparable."
The dancer pouted a little. "Tell me about it. Lafarga
caught them in the Throne Room, sitting in your and Lantis'
chairs."
"Oh, Cal-chan. Don't worry. Maybe someday, but they're
I'd write:
someday;
still children. They have the whole of their lives ahead of
them. Who knows, maybe one of them will be a Magic Knight!"
prophesied the Pillar.
Ouch... that was subtle ^_^;;
Looking over her friend's head Caldina
But I *would* put a comma here:
head, Caldina
stared at the
unruly mop of red hair, barely
And I *wouldn't* put a comma in here. ^_^;;
visible behind his flying
carp. "I'm pretty sure one of them will, Hi-chan."
*****************
It was several years later, and Musuko was now fourteen.
Six days ago, without his mother's knowledge, Guru Clef had
come to him, and told
No comma here.
him of a great duty he had to perform.
Touching his forehead, the diminutive sorcerer called out the
had called
latent magic within the young prince, and also summoned forth
the armor that marked him as a prospective magic Knight.
Magic
Now,
having trudged through the Forest of Silence, and having
faced a rather personal test at the Font of Eterna, he
But... but... you're not going to describe this rather personal
test? Or even say what it was? @_@;;
climbed out of the font, surprised to be totally dry.
I'd write:
surprised that he was totally dry.
"I see you made it, Musu-chan," came a familiar voice
to his left.
"Of course I did, Aunt Presea," he said, and looked at
her.
Um. No emotion in his voice whatsoever? He seems an awfully dry
character at this point.
"I'm my parents' son. I have the Escudo."
"You know," mused the Sharl, "your mother and your aunts
Umi and Fuu had a much harder time of it. Back then, the
Forest of Silence was a place of monsters, and no magic would
work there."
"Isn't this where Aunt Fuu destroyed that big crystal?"
he asked.
"Actually, no. The crystal was back a ways, inside the
forest, itself.
No comma.
Still, they made it, and met
No comma.
me here, outside
the Font, just like you." She looked at him askance. "Now,
present to me the Escudo that shall be your weapon... and
turn around, please."
"Why?"
"Just trust me, turn around." When he had presented the
mineral to her, and turned as he was bade, she removed her
outer garments. Dressed in a diaphanous shift, she began an
odd dance. The Escudo rose, and began
No comma.
to glow with an inner
light, an amber light.
I'd write:
an inner light, amber in colour.
When the dance had ended,
ended,
a simple
though beautiful katana gently lowered itself to the earth.
Replacing her clothes, she told him to turn back around.
"Yeah, she will. But you _do_ know you can send the
armor away, right? Also, you've been gone almost a week.
Either she's figured it out, or she has more faith in you
than you may realize."
"Why do you say that ?"
An extra space crept in there....
he said, willing it away, then
trying to figure out where it went.
I'd write:
willing the armour away, then ... where it had gone.
"Simple, the
"Simple; the
palace isn't burning to the ground. Now,
call Koi-chan, and lets go."
let's
*****************
As Musuko approached the living quarters of the palace,
he heard voices coming from his mother's room. One was easily
recognizable, it was his mother's.
I'd write:
recognizable as being his mother's.
The other he didn't
recognize, but it was soothing, and sweet.
No comma.
Whoever she was
I'd write:
Whoever this stranger was, she
seemed to be trying to convince the Pillar of the importance
of something.
"I am sorry, Hikaru-san, but that is the way it must
be," said the unknown voice. This startled Musuko - who would
talk like that to his mother besides one of the other Magic
Knights, Guru Clef, or >snicker< Mokona ?
Another accidental extra space there....
"But why? He's just a boy, still," protested his mother.
I'd write:
He's just a boy,"
"Yes, just a boy of fourteen. Just as you were a girl of
fourteen when you and your friends were brought here by
Emeraude."
"I... I see. But why him?"
"Because, Shidoe Hikaru, he is a Magic Knight. And he is
of the blood of two worlds, worlds where Destiny followed its
proper course. No better champion for this cause can be
found," said the visitor.
"A Magic Knight? But..."
Four dots at the end of a sentence.
Musuko had heard enough. "I am, Mom," he said, coming in
through the door. "That's, um, where I've been the past few
days." A simple act of will, and his garments were replaced
by his armor in a brief amber flash.
Hikaru's eyes shone for a moment, then gained a tinge of
sadness. One corner of her mouth twitched upward as she said,
"At least your change is too quick to see," she joked.
I'd write:
twitched upward as she joked, "At least ... see."
O_o A young man doing the traditional Magical Girl transformation
sequence... now that'd be a sight....
"What?"
"Never mind," she said. She stood from her bed, and
approached him. "You're almost as tall as I am, Musu-chan,"
she said. Then without warning, she drew him into a fierce
hug. "I'm so proud of you, Son of the Lion Shrine!"
"Shidoe Musuko, I greet you," said his mother's guest.
He turned, and took
No comma.
a good look at her. She had soft, brown
hair that framed a delicate face, eyes as gentle as his Aunt
Fuu's, and a serene smile that made him feel at peace. On her
forehead and cheeks were faint markings, that
No comma.
almost seemed
to glow from within, rather than be painted on or tattoos.
I'd write:
to glow from within; strangely enough, they didn't appear to be
either painted on or tattoos.
Her garments were flowing robes, with
No comma.
delicate embroidery and
hem work, as a shawl
I'd write:
hem work, and a shawl
wafted about the gentle curve of her
shoulder. "I am Belldandy."
"Um, Belldandy, I greet you," he responded, bowing
slightly. "I, well, sorta overheard part of you talking to
Mom. If you need me for something, I'm ready."
"Musu-chan, you just got back!" she protested.
back!" Hikaru protested.
(as you've got it now, it sounds like Belldandy's doing the
protesting. And that sounds a little weird.)
"Mom, you told me all about when you, Aunt Fuu, and Aunt
Umi first got here. You were needed here, and you felt that
need." He took a deep breath, and continued. "You told me to
always help people in need. Well, I'm needed. And I'll help,
whatever they need me to do."
And the award for most uses of the word 'need' in a single speech
goes to.... ^_^;;
Hikaru looked at her son, standing eye to eye with him.
I'd write:
Standing eye to eye with her son, Hikaru looked at him.
As a single tear inched its way down her face, she simply
nodded. "You take care of yourself, do you understand me,
young man?"
Musuko nodded. Turning to Belldandy, he asked, "When do
I leave?"
Oooh. C-c-cold. Doesn't he care about his mom? Does he have any
emotions of his own ^_^;;
The visitor looked at him, then his mother, then back to
him. "Kami-sama will be sending me back here
I'd write:
will send me back here
in a week. If
you still want to perform an unkown
unknown
quest, for the good of
people who do not know you, and may
No comma.
never thank you, then you
will go with me."
"Will I ever come back?" he asked.
Belldandy smiled. "I see a Shidoe Musuko, married and
happy, growing old with his wife and children in the Palace
of Cephiro. But, this
No comma.
quest will be dangerous. While what I
see may happen, the quest may prove so dangerous that you...
will be unable to return."
Nodding, he bade farewell to the visitor, and withdrew
>from his mother's room. He had a lot to think about.
*****************
Author's Notes:
The timeline I am basing this story on is a modified version
of the manga. I haven't read anything past the first series,
but the single most significant difference is that Presea
does _not_ die in her home, shaping the Escudo as one of
Ascot's monsters attacks. Instead, she met them at the Font
of Eterna, and shaped their weapons there. At that point,
Hikaru Umi and Fuu continued with their quest. Thus, the real
Presea is present to shape Musuko's sword.
Got it.
Oookay... my notes on the story so far. Well-written, good grasp of
grammar, only one or two typos that I noticed ^_^; There's even a
nice ornate flavour to Belldandy's speech, as well as on occasion to
the narration.
However... as written, the story is very dry. The very beginning is
simply recapping the story as we know it.
If you feel you have to do this to the extent you have it here, I'd
present it in the form of a dialogue or something: Hikaru, watching
her son play, sighs. Caldina asks her what's wrong. She says
nothing's wrong, she's just thinking about how she arrived in this
world and everything that happened since then. Perhaps she's
uncomfortable talking about Emeraude and Zagato; maybe she's still
amazed that her love, a man whose brother she killed, loves her in
return. Perhaps Caldina asks about Umi and Fuu and how they're
doing in married life; perhaps she says it came as a shock to
everyone when the girls decided to abandon their old lives for their
loves in Cefiro.
And I'd have some reference to your modified timeline right up
front: some mention of Presea, or how knowing that Presea would
always be there for her helped Hikaru in her quests.
There's very little action in your story so far. The main character
gets magic of his own, goes on a quest, defeats a monster, and
undergoes a trial... all of this action, and we only learn of it in
a couple of lines of narration and dialogue! Some action scenes
would be much more interesting. Remember: show, don't tell.
Moreover, I was wondering how Koi-chan would be useful, or useless,
in that fight against that monster! Please don't tell me Musuko
ditched that fish the first chance he got!
Another thing... your main character, Musuko, comes across as being
absolutely emotionless. I was often wondering just what he was
*feeling* at many points during the story. I could usually infer it
from the words he said, but remember, half of communication is *how*
you say something, not just *what* you say. Body language, facial
expression, and tone of voice are all important in getting the
message across.
Sure, he *is* the child of taciturn Lantis, but he's bubbly Hikaru's
child too. Even if he doesn't *show* much emotion, it would be good
to mention what he's feeling, or the little things that show it.
I'd also recommend giving the readers a taste of what's in store for
Musuko. Obviously it's something big, if there's a Goddess First
Class coming for him. Clef must know something about it, if he went
to the trouble of preparing Musuko and waking the magic within him.
Maybe if Musuko noticed Clef acting a little worried for a couple of
weeks beforehand, or something like that. Or if there was a scene
or two set in whatever fantastical world Musuko will shortly be
adventuring through, showing a hint of the dangers yet to come....
As it stands, your fic has a lot of potential, and I'd like to see
more. But I'd also like to see lots more action... and more Koi-
chan! ^_^
Megan Jones kunitori@licensedtokill.com
A Midsummer Night's WebSite: http://i.am/midsummer
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