Hellp there, your story caught my eye so I decided to C&C it. I am not
making these comments to be rude or to try to sound pretentious. You made
no request to keep C&C private, so I am making it public for the benefit of
all the members of the FFML. Enjoy.
[my comments will look like this]
note: All comments and critisim is greedily soaked up. The good and bad.
[should read: all comments and criticism ARE greedily soaked up. Your verb
must agree with your subject in number and tense]
Zel put his book away. A single light globe lighted the room. He didn't
need anymore light, not with his chimera hightend senses.
[SP: heightened]
[you may want to lead the reader into this scene with a bit of scenery or
general description, how do things look, sound, feel, smell and taste? Also
you may want to consider explaining things a casual Slayers reader may not
know, for instance I have no idea what chimera is ^_^]
The book had turned out worthless.
"They always turn out to be worthless", Zel thought bitterly. He slowly
made his way to the inn. He hadn't thought of his accounter with Amelia
once.
[SP: encounter]
[punctuation: "They always turn out to be worthless," - if you punctuate a
quote, do it inside the quote]
Zelgadiss rubbed his temples. His head hurt like hell. A healer had told
him once that they were stress headaches. He pulled his hood closer as a
young women and her child passed by. The boy clung to his mother. Something
twinged in Zel's memory. A half remembered thought hung at the edge of his
consciousness. He tried to grasp it, but it faded away into oblivion.
[now you are referring to him by his full name, is he Zel or Zelgadiss,
decide. Also WHERE is he right now? First he has light in a room, now he is
making his way to an inn?? We have no scenery descriptions so far, but I was
thinking he was alone in a room or something, then you have a womAn (spelled
with the letter 'a' not 'e' when singular) and her child walking past, so
obviously he is in some sort of a public place, this should be established
at the beginning of any scene. You are jumping around too much. {suggestion:
Instead of ((A half remembered thought hung at the edge of his
consciousness)) use - {{A thought, half remembered floated at the edge of
his consciousness.}}}
"Couldn't have been very important anyway," he thought absently.
He reached the door to the inn. His hand grasp the cold metal door handle.
[Most writers when using prose, sue the past tense to describe actions,
using present tense can be difficult. I would suggest since you use the past
tense in the first sentence "reached," to continue to do the same and write
the second sentence as, "His hand grasped the cold metal door handle."]
**Jingle Jingle**
Zel stopped cold in his tracks.
[and did what? cocked his head back to listen? Did a hand stand? What?]
"That sound... " The sound faded away.
[suggest: "That sound... " He paused and muttered as it faded.]
"No couldn't have been him. He's dead.... ", Zel mumbled to himself. Zel
shrugged off the odd occurrence and entered the inn.
Unbeknownst to Zel the door knob glowed red.
[suggest: "the door started to glow red."]
Zelgadiss Greywords ascended the stairs. The old wooden stairs made
groaning and creaking sounds as he weighed down upon them. The inn was pitch
dark. Most of the inhabitants were gone. It was Christmas Eve after all. Who
would want to spend it alone?
[wow he moves awfully fast. First we have a red door knob and now he is
climbing stairs. Did he notice the glow? Did anyone look up as he entered
the door? Is he walking fast? What? I know I have a penchant for
description, but in my opinion more is better, yours may differ from mine]
Zel scowled at the darkness and cast lightning. The darkness receded away
and the light formed a protective circle around him. He ascended the stairs
again. Now.. only if he could keep the darkness within at bay....
[um, that last part made no sense to me. Is he effecting the lighting
himself, or outside forces? Why a protective circle? Is he in danger? Or
does he think he is? suggested re-write: "Zel scowled through the inn's
gloomy darkness as he trudged up the stairs. Stumbling he swore under his
breath and cast a light spell drawing the light into a ring about him, then
started up the stairs again. If he only could keep the darkness within at
bay so easily . . . " (note when using ellipses ". . ." - space them out,
and only use three, no more no less.]
Zel got ready to settle in for the night. He sat his sword next to his
bed. He laid in his inn bed with a weary sigh. His mind started to slip into
merciful sleep....
[again you are whipping through the scenes awfully fast here, first he was
on the stairs and now he is in his room? You cannot just walk into an inn
and snag a room, you must pay for a room. Has he already been here earlier
and gotten the room already? (keep in mind I have not read anything else you
have written, so I may not know that) explain scene transitions, don't just
whip through them
**JINGLE JINGLE*
Zel sat straight up in bed.
"That sound....no it can't be him." Zel rubbed his temples. "I shouldn't
have drunk that cup of coffee before I went to bed", Zel told himself. He
settled back into bed. The light globe was suddenly snuffed out.
[is he talking to himself or thinking?]
"Zelgadissss"....
"No, it can't be him. I refuse to believe it's him!" Zel put the pillow
over his head and tried to disappear under the covers.
[that seems a tad out of his character, Zel seems more of a "face your
fears" sort of guy]
"Zelgadisss Greywordsss".....
"No its just the coffee... I've had too much coffee...
Zel peeked his head up from under the covers. Standing before him was the
last person he thought he would ever seen again. The man's robes hung
loosely about him. His eyes were tightly closed as they were in life. Well,
most of his life anyway.
The chimera leaped out of his bed and grabbed his sword. He pointed it
threatenly at the man.
[again I am not much of a Slayers fan, what the heck is a chimera? You
should explain this to those who dont know, I get the general idea of what
it is from your usage of the word, but still . . .]
[SP: threateningly]
[SP: don't]
"Rezo...."
"What are you going to do with that sword boy...kill me?", Rezo replied.
"You can't kill something that's already dead."
"What are you doing here?", Zel replied still not able to beleive what his
senses were telling him. Rezo's face took on a pained expression.
[SP: believe]
"I'm here to warn you... so you don't end up like me".
Zel noticed after closer inspection that Rezo was encased in chains. His
face was sheet white and translucent. Zel narrowed his eyes.
"I'm nothing like you".
"Are you so sure about that? You search relentlessy day and night for a
cure. You push everyone who loves you away, and you don't think twice about
it. You'll step on anyone who gets in your way, regardless if their a friend
or not."
[SP: relentlessly]
[this is one of my pet peeves, improper usage of contractions. I am even
guilty of it myself from time to time, it is a hard thing to catch.
'Their' - is in reference to someone's possessions. Like "their coffee," or,
"their sword." 'They're' - is in reference to 'They are' and is used to
describe things like, "they're nice people, they're fast!" 'There' - is in
reference to a place or reference like, "I put the sword over there next to
the coffee cup" - so in your sentence it should read, "regardless if they're
a friend or not." When in doubt use the full words, "regardless if they are
a friend or not." it works the same.]
Rezo's face seemed to grow paler.
"I should know. I pushed everyone who loves me away in the search to cure
my eyes. I let Shabranigdo take over my body. These chains I wear....I
forged them in life. You Zelgadiss have a chain the same as mine."
[this is cute, but again you are cutting the story to the quick too soon,
you are getting to the problem too soon, great writers beat around the bush
sometimes just for the hell of it, it irritates the reader and makes them
read on, if you solve everything too fast people lose interest and move on,
just my opinion. Also I am getting a strong reference to "A Christmas Carol"
here, if you so intended, fine, if not you may want to change some of this
to make it more your own.]
"I don't beleive you.....," Zel said and griped his sword tighter. The
chimera slowly backed away. Rezo grabed him by the hand and pulled him
close.
[SP: believe/grabbed]
[Either call him the chimera ( which should be Chimera if it is a title) or
Zel, pick a name, jumping around a lot with names confuses readers]
"See for yourself boy.... " Rezo pulled open his robe. Underneath his robe
were worms eating at his decaying flesh. Zel stared in horror.
[okay eww ^_~]
"This is my punishment. I am doomed for eternity to roam the world seeing
what I could have had, what I could have become."
[who punished him?]
Rezo's face took on a decrepid appearance. His flesh hung in ragid strips
off his face. "You can escape this fate...." Rezo leaned his face close to
Zelgadiss. Zel's nostrils filled with the smell of rotting flesh and he
tried not to vomit.
"You will be visited by three ghosts, the ghost of christmas past when the
clock strikes one, the ghost of christmas present when the clock strikes
two, and the ghost of christmas future when the clock strikes three."
[Definitely in reference to "A Christmas Carol" then, I should have guessed
with the title of the story ^_^]
[SP: decrepit/ ragged/ Christmas]
Rezo started to fade away.
"Heed my words Zelgadiss Greywords," Rezo said, "The past is history, and
the future a mystery. Right now however, is a gift.., that's why its called
the present."
Rezo faded as he said those last words. Zelgadiss could have sworn he
heard the souls of the dammed crying out for mercy. The oak grandfather
clock in the hallway struck eleven. The sound echoed through the empty inn.
[good ending, very dramatic. Your writing style is okay, you just need to
find tune it and find your niche. Also I think your use of a well known
story crossed over with Slayers is interesting. A Christmas story in April?
Interesting. If you don't have them already I suggest getting some
pre-readers to help you format and trouble shoot your stories before public
release, they can catch run on sentences (my biggest problem ^_~) and
spelling and grammar errors. If you already have pre-readers, fire them.
They are not doing a good job. Over all a nice little story, good length for
the casual reader who doesn't want to commit a long time to reading. I
cannot stress enough the powers of description. Use the five senses, they
are great tools for story telling.]
Respect,
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Asayogure.
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