Everything I'm about to say is simply my opinion. Before taking any of
my suggestions, run them through a spell checker.
Ranma had had a very bad day so far, from oversleeping and
losing most of his breakfast to Genma, before he could get
there to protect it for his own eating.
Sentence fragment. There's no independant clause in here.
Why didn't Akane or Genma wake Ranma up like they usually do? And if
neither one of them did, I'd imagine that Kasumi would out of niceness
or Nabiki as too make Ranma owe her a favor. Also, I don't see Ranma
sleeping past breakfast anyway.
He had then been
dragged by Akane
halfway to the school before Shampoo had run over him with
her bicycle.
I'd change Shamoo had run to shampoo ran. The more recent tense sounds
better.
Akane had then smashed him into the ground with her fist,
yelling "Pervert".
I don't like Akane but isn't this a bit much? All you mention Shampoo
doing is running over him with her bike. At most, she might grumble
slightly but carry him along with her if he's knocked unconscious. Even
if Shamps dismounts and tries to cuddle with him for a bit, Akane'd most
likely just grumble and leave. she actually offers violence less than
fanfic lets on.
After digging himself out of the hole, Ranma
had almost managed to get to school on time,
except he got splashed just outside the gates
and had to put up with Kuno trying something new,
a Rose Chain to hold her still while Tatewaki Glomped him,
her=>him glomped
Kuno doesn't try anything new.
while saying some sort of bad poetry
( or so Ranma assumed from past experience)
although she had long since given up listening to Kuno.
That paragraph was one run on. I recomend "After digging himself out of
the whole, Ranma almost managed to get to school on time. He did not
make it though, as he was splashed just outside the gates. This was
followed by Kuno attampting to glomp him, spouting bad poetry. At least,
Ranma assumed it was bad poetry; he had stopped listening to what Kuno
said long ago."
As a result of the delay, his homeroom teacher
, Miss Hinako, had drained him of his Battle Aura,
battle aura,
leaving him exhausted and annoyed all morning.
At noon he discovered that Genma had eaten his lunch that
morning
and left a note telling him it was good training to be
prepared for anything.
I can't see this happening. Not after already stealing his breakfast.
Genma's a nusiance and a minor one at that.
At first he had figured to get some food from Ukyou
but she was absent today, because of some inspectors
coming to her restaurant. So he went hungry all afternoon.
was absent today. Some inspectors had gone to her
Finally it was time to go home, Ranma thought to himself
home. Ranma thought to himself, "I need to
"I need to talk to Akane about those equations from
the second period, I think I missed some of the ones,
no comma after ones
the teacher posted on the board. I'll just jump up to her
window
and knock, rather than go through the gauntlet of the old
men."
You should mention he's already gone home.
Preparing to jump up and knock on the window sill,
Ranma heard a muffled scream from inside, He quickly jumped
inside. He
up
and as quickly fell back down in shock. Muttering to himself
"I must have been mistaken." He jumped back up and looked
Muttering to himself, "I must have been mistaken," he...
I'm not quite sure on that second comma.
again,
again.
and again, he saw Ryoga and Akane making love.
Again he saw...
Um. Excuse me? Mr. I spout blood and faint at the thought of naked
breasts and Ms. I Might Kiss My Fiancee After I've Admited To Myself I'm
In Love With Him But Wait. I'm Not Ready For That Yet. They're getting
it on? That completely doesn't make sense.
Also, you're violating nomenclature. You spell Ukyo Ukyou but Ryoga
Ryouga. You need to stick to one.
As he watched Ryoga finished and saying " Well Ranma will be
As he watched, Ryouga finished and said, "Well, Ranma...
home soon,
so I had better change back to your pet P-chan."
Ryoga walked over to a ceramic footbath
and pressed a button with his foot,
Then he walked...his foot.
causing a spray of cold water to hit him,
changing him into a piglet.
A spray of water it him,...
he then rejoined Akane on the
bed.
He then
Ranma jumped down before either of them turned
to look out of the window and went around to the front of
the house
to enter in a more normal fashion.
That sentence is rather abrupt. What's his reaction to that?
After he got into the living room, he heard the phone ring,
ring.
shouting
" I'll get it, Kasumi"
Ranma picked up the phone, after a few minutes,
he went into a state of shock,
Shouting, "I'll get it, Kasumi!" Ranma picked up the phone. He listened
to the speaker on the other end for a few minutes. Then his eyes widened
in shock.
and just listened
occasionally mumbling a response,
until after about fifteen or twenty minutes,
he came out of the shock and began to ask questions.
He just listened for almost twenty minutes, occasionally mumbling a
response. Then, finally, he came out of his shock enough to begin asking
questions.
"What do you mean that someone switched the bracelets,
bracelets?
It had to be done on purpose,
yes I know someone who would do such a stupid thing.
Look, who are you, The Morisatos, where do you live.
I'm not sure at all how this section of dialogue is supposed to go
because the punctuation is absent, but I recomend breaking this down
into short sentences and add a bit of emotional cues Ex: It had to be
done on purpose?" There was a short pause. "Yes. I know someone who
would do such a thing. Look, who are you? The Morisatos? Where do you
live?"
Also, wouldn't the speaker have identified themselves upon connecting?
Also, why would they spill all this to some random kid? They don't know
who Ranma is. Wouldn't they want to speak to Genma?
I see, well I am Ranma Saotome and
we will need to have some tests done to verify
if I am the child you had stolen.
Add punctuation. The flow of verbiage is unclear.
Oh I am the only child it could be and
the school records indicate I have the right blood type
and some other features that make it almost certain,
yes well I'll be over this evening to start the final tests.
Oh, I am... certain. Yes, well ...
Ranma wouldn't refer to himself as a child.
Why does he accept the possibility that his entire heritage might be a
lie so quickly?
I have some things to do here before I can leave.
You can pick me up in about an hour and a half?
That should be fine. I may have a way there before then,
so don't be to surprised if I show up before you leave."
Turning around Ranma faced Genma and began to glow from
sheer anger,
saying in a quiet and a most deadly voice "Genma do you
know the Morisatos?"
Turning around, Ranma faced Genma. He was begining to glow from sheer
anger and spoke in a quiet, deadly voice. "Genma, do you...
Ranma speaking in a quiet and deadly voice? Deadly I can understand.
But when has Ranma ever been mad at Genma and not screamed or beaten the
old man up.
Genma replied " Why, yes, they were the family that I stole
replied, "Why, yes. They...
you from,
when you were born. You see No-Chan had a baby girl and
I needed a boy to teach the Art to. So when they had a baby
boy,
I switched the tags, so they would think they had had a girl
and
we could keep you."
Um. Genma just admitted all of that? Flat out? Without being beaten into
it or making excuses?
Also, where was he while Ranma was on the phone?
Ranma stared at Genma and exclaimed " You did WHAT! You
exclaimed, "You did WHAT!?
stupid incompetent JERK! I always knew you were a MORON but
this is a new low for you. GR.! DId Mom know about this?
Grrr! Did
IDIOT! It is a good thing I answered the phone today or I
would never have known, about this."
today, or
known about
"err no she gave birth to a girl and was still under the
"Err, no. She
anesthesia,
anasthesia.
I wanted a boy so I slipped into the nursery and switched
the tags,
so they had a girl to take home and I got the boy. "
boy,"
whimpered Genma.
"It never occurred to you that you could raise a girl and
teach her the art and
have a second child later, who might be a boy?" asked Ranma;
Ranma,
who was glowing like a 250 watt bulb.
"uh. No, that thought never entered my mind"
"Uh. mind."
"and YOU Tendo, did You knew about this!"
"And You Tendou, did you know abut this!?"
When did Tendo show up?
"ahh, well, yes, I thought umm, it was for the best after
"Ahh, well, yes. I thought, umm, it was...
all, in order
to help join the Schools." sighed Soun
schools," sighed Soun
"from the looks on your faces, You Elder Tendo Daughters
"From the
knew about this also and didn't
bother to tell me!" Screamed Ranma
screamed Ranma.
" After I paid you Nabiki to let me know any information
concerning me and my family ,that you knew or could find
out. I guess your word wasn't much good after all."
"After I paid you, Nabiki, to...family,
When did they show up?
"Well yes I did fail to tell you but I got an offer to not
"Well yes. I...you, but
tell you
that I literally couldn't turn down or tell you about even
now.
I will, of course, refund your money but I truly had to do
it this way."
replied Nabiki, with a really strange look on her face.
way," replied Nabiki with a very strange look...
"I don't care about the money, I just would have wanted to
know
that I had a family that would have loved me"
money; I me,"
What maes Ranma think that Nodoka at least doesn't love him? Or, if she
hasn't been introduced yet, Genma does always appear to love the boy,
even if it does seem to manefest itself in weird ways.
"Kasumi, I thought of you as a big sister, someone I could
trust. Now I know you can't trust a Tendo, no you can't
trust anyone involved with Anything Goes."
Wouldn't that include himself?
"Oh My I also had gotten an offer I couldn't refuse.
I am sorry, though Ranma"
Why would she say Oh my here? It just doesn't seem to fit.
"What a day; I found out, Akane, had a hot and cold
running water foot bath, added to her room, I saw that it
can be
activated by foot pedals and can be triggered by P-Chan. The
same girl who has been calling ME a PERVERT has been
sleeping
with Ryoga, the Pig boy. I just saw them upstairs,
and they were very happy together.
"What a day. I found out Akane had a hot and cold, running water foot
bath added to her room. I saw that it can be activated by foor pedals
and can be triggered by P-chan. The same girl who has been calling ME a
PERVERT has been sleeping with Ryouga, the pig-boy. I just saw them
upstairs, and they were very happy together.
"I had thought to make one of you, my Tendo fiancee instead,
but now I
no comma after you
wouldn't trust either one of you enough to turn my back on
you."
Ranma added, I would rather trust Mousse or Shampoo. "
added, "I...Shampoo."
At this comment Soun blushed and started to add something
about how honor should make Ranma marry a Tendo. Then he
LOOKED at Ranma, who was glowing brighter than he could look
Pronoun confusion.
straight at for more that a fraction of a second.
and decided not to risk angering him further.
second and
still more pronoun confusion. Make the antecedent of each pronoun clear.
" You had better not trust them either Ranma", commented
Nabiki "Both Ukyou, Shampoo and Mousse knew also."
"You had...Ranma," commented Nabiki.
"Great, well I have to check that but if it is true, then I
am leaving Nerima and never returning"
that, but...returning."
Is Ranma talking abuot whether or not everyone else knows or he really
was switched at birth? The latter was laid to rest rather securely.
"Well at least my real family is coming to pick me up today,
today.
I sure won't miss this place after today. This has to be the
I would not repeat today so close to itself.
worst day of life so far, including Jhusenkyo and Jusendo.
Jusenkyo
Ranma then calls up the Nekohanten and asks " Mousse; did
you
called up...asked, "Mousse, did
know about my having been kidnapped as a child, and being
raised by that child abuser Genma Saotome,
rather than by my parents.
parents?"
As Genma stuttered in the background, Mousse said
said, "Yes, I...
" Yes I did know about your being stolen as a baby,
baby.
Shampoo told me and asked me not to tell you."
"Tell Shampoo the engagement is off, I won't marry someone I
Why should him saying its off now make a bit of difference? He's already
tried to call it off a bunch of times.
can't trust not to betray me. Tell her I don't ever want to
see her again,
or I will treat her as an enemy."
as Ranma hung up the phone, the sound of cheers could be
heard faintly through out the room from the phone receiver.
As...throughout
Ranma then called Ucchan's and asked to speak to Ukyou, When
Ukyou. When
she came on the line he asked " Did you know that Genma
asked, "Did
stole me from my real parents, so he could take me on the
training trip as an excuse for abusing me?"
Ukyou replied " Yes he told me about how he took you from
replied, "Yes. He
your real parents, when I was about to kill him the first
time
we met in Nerima. Why do you ask?"
"Because I just found out about it when my real parents
called here looking for me today. I am ending all of the
engagements since none of you could be bothered to let me
know about this. I will tell you the same thing I told
Shampoo and Mousse, if you see me, turn around and leave, as
from this day forward, you are my enemy! I am leaving
Nerima and NEVER coming back!"
He then called the paper and put a notice in the classified
section, that he was not responsible for any debts; Past,
Present or Future incurred by Genma Saotome including those
incurred in the name of Ranma Saotome, by Genma Saotome.
After a second, he added a line that Genma Saotome
could be found at the Tendo Dojo most days.
That whole paragraph would be better left out.
He then called the number he remembered receiving from his
real
relatives and got a strange response.
" Hello this is the Goddess Help Line, Our representative
will be with you in a few moments."
Line. Our
He hung up and dialed again, this time he tried reversing
again. This
the numbers,
getting this response " Hell-o This is the Demon,
getting the response, "Hell-o. This is the Demon Grant a Wish HOT Line.
grant a wish, HOT line, Our Purchaser will be right with
you,
when she feels like it. Think about what you want to buy,
after all it's your soul , Baaaby "
soul, baaaby."
So he tried a third time and got the same response as the
first time. Giving up he decided to go pack his things,
so he would be ready to go.
Why would he try the first number a second time?
Chapter one THE END!
Please remember this is an parallel word story and not an
alternate world story. So where people are not what you
expect, it's because they never were the people you expect.
If you intend to post the fic with the [Ranma] tag, you can't declaim
the need to use the real Ranma characters.
The was a severe lack of narration at the end, especially when Ranma is
talking to the Tendos and when he's on the phone. You need to include
details and descritions of who is doing what and where.