On Sun, 2 Apr 2000, Gary Kleppe wrote:
Jason Liao <jliao@phoenix.Princeton.EDU> wrote:
I don't think you need longer fight scenes, but this one could be better
done, IMO. The first half of this has a distant feel, kinda like we're
being given a summary of the action rather than shown it. For example:
Most surprising to Akane was Kenji's attitude towards Genma. From
Ukyou's tale of her past, Akane would have understood anger, threats,
bluster, or at least a demand for recompense. If she expected anything,
it was not Kenji's grin, nor one to be reciprocated by Genma.
There's not a lot of sensory detail here, and what's worse, we get told
Akane's reaction *before* we see what inspired it. This really makes me
feel as if I'm detached from the action. Try to put in more sensory
detail -- sights, sounds, etc. -- and keep things as linear as you can
during important action scenes.
I actually tried to avoid introducing too much characterization on Kenji's
part, since if I continued this story, I wouldn't use him too much longer.
His whole purpose was to introduce an aspect of Ukyou that came from an
irrefutable source. If you think I ought to put some dialogue beforehand
to justify this paragraph, though, I can do so easily.
I think you're probably right about the rest of the story lacking some
detail, and I'll see what I can tweak.
snapping strike you? Would you consider this an explorable story? (Not
Ukyo was a little extreme but not unbelievable. It might help to get
into her head more, show more of her thoughts and feelings. This could
be good to continue, if you have somewhere in mind to go with it.
'Somewhere to go' is the only reason I haven't made a decision to
continue. As I said in response to Kara, the only definitive ending I can
think of right now is to make it turn out that Ukyou isn't related to
Ranma after all, but that would be an incredibly cheap ending.
Certainly, Ukyou can't stay the same way for another ten years, and can't
be hidden by the family influence anymore. Either she's committed to the
funny farm, or she faces reality. But even then, that's a threadbare
direction.
Oh, and as for Ukyou's father's name? I just made up something random.
Be prepared for lots of South Park references. :)
...
-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.
One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed. "Tell me,"
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...