My comments##
All C&C is _In My Opinion_ (IMO) only.
Take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
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"Senshi AraValon" <mikalkun@netzero.net>
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"Senshi AraValon" <mikalkun@netzero.net> |
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Subject:
[FFML] [FFML][SM][Draft] AraValon Senshi-
Prolouge and
Chap. 1. C@C welcome
Date:
Tue, 4 Apr 2000 05:49:09 -0400
notes: this is my first post to the FFML, and while i
do appreciate all
types of C &C, i do ask that you be somewhat tolerant
of this, my first
fic.this mail contains the first draft of the prolouge
and first
chapter. Most of the characters should be familar to
you. those that
are not, I plan on having character back grounds up on
my page soon, and
will add that link to a future BSSM A post.
## Generally "notes" should come at the end of the
story. Let the story
speak for itself. If you have to explain parts of the
story with notes then
you need to go back and re-write.
I'm of two minds about "character backgrounds". While
I think that
the characterization should be contained wholly within
the context
of the story I also realize that in very complex
stories this is unavoidable.
In the main I believe such things should be
supplemental. The story should
be able to stand on it's own.
First Draft
The AraValon Senshi
By mike Cataro
<Legal Stuff goes here>
##If you are not going to use a disclaimer then don't
use
anything. A disclaimer acknowledges the work and
creativity
of the original author and should be included.
Example:
The characters of Sailormoon are the
creation and possession of the brilliant
Takeuchi
Naoko. They belong to Takeuchi Naoko, Bandai,
Toei
Animation, DIC, and all others associated with
rights.
No copyright infringement is intended.
Notes on style: when in Japan, Japanese Name style
used, when in
America, American style used
IE: Tsukino Usagi, and Usagi Tsukino. All names are
the Japanese where
I know them. This story takes place after The Galaxia
Saga.
##All of the SM characters and their names may be
found
at http://www.tcp.com/doi/smoon/smoon.html
Bushojo Senshi Sailor Moon: AraValon Senshi Saga
Prologue: Immortal Ties
Mike is standing on the grounds of a vast ruinous
castle. As he looks
around he feels a sensation not unlike going back to
your childhood
home, and finding it burnt down. He does not know why
he feels this, but
looks around trying to figure that out
##This is an . . .odd . . .POV. (You start out in
third person, then
switch over to second momentarily ("your childhood")
It reads very much like an outline or
directions for a stage play or movie script. Very
stilted and lifeless.
Needs to be more descriptive.
After wandering around a bit he finds himself in what
appears to have
been a large Ballroom. Upon entering he feels a wave
of bone chilling
cold. The suddenness of these raw sensations and
emotions is beyond his
minds current ability to grasp, and for a second, the
room wavers, then
alters. Mike now sees himself in the ballroom as it
originally was:
The room is beautiful and ornate, not the ruins he
just saw. The
now-shattered windows along the wall alternate with
paintings of beautiful
stellar events. The now tarnished and twisted
chandlers are glowing with
light from their candles, their reflections shining in
their golden
holders. The support beams and carvings are decorated
with etchings of
animals and people in various poses evoking a sense of
history.
##some nice description in places. however this POV
makes it very
stilted and detached. There is no empathy. It's rather
like reading
the ingredients on the back of a cereal box. Lots of
information
but not very exciting. I'd change the POV to make it a
little more
personal.
Example::
The castle was in ruins. Looking around at the charred
and twisted rubble he felt an overwhelming sense of
grief; as if he had just found his mother lying cold
and dead.
OR
Stumbling through the broken masonry and melted
girders he found himself in what was left of the Grand
Ballroom.
##The difference is a change in POV that makes the
story more immediate and not so detached. Also a
little more specific description.
the Ten main Pillars are carved with the stories of
the Ten planets.
The Pillars are from a vastly older time and are
carved with an ancient
and flowing script that few could decipher, even then.
Also the text
alters, so the reader only reads what was needed, the
older portions
appearing in the readers mind as if they were in the
common tongue. Mike
walks around and scans these pillars for a while,
recalling the scenes
around him, as well as other memories of his former
life. He then turns
to the dancers.
##Nice. Very nice. I like the bit with the "stories".
Just needs a change in POV. Again, too detached. Reads
as if it's an outline. This scene needs more detail
to help bring the reader into the story.
<SNIP>
Some interesting bits and some nice descriptions.
However, overall it's too clinical and the odd POV is
distracting.
BSSM A: Episode One: While the shadow returns, so does
past allies
Tokyo, Japan:
<BEEP!BEEP!BEEP!> "Usako, it is now 30 minutes till
your first
class....Usako.." The automated alarm clock Mamo-chan
gave her piped up,
shattering Tsukino Usagi's dream. The tall, blond
haired young woman merely
groaned, looked at her clock, dressed at warp speed
and ran out the
door. She skid to a halt long enough to take her
backpack, and equally
sized lunch bag (*EG* - sorry I HAD to!) before going
off again. Usagi ran
across campus, almost colliding with her friend Ami on
the way.
##Cute beginning. However "dressed at warp speed"
doesn't really paint much of a word picture for the
reader. And the author commentary
(*EG*, etc) is extraordinarily annoying. While this
might be appropriate for a lighter story it is
entirely inappropriate for what seems to be a very
dramatic story.
"USAGI!! Watch it! - Hey off to class a bit early
aren't you?" Ami
asked
"It's that annoying clock Mamo-chan gave me! I wish
I could throw it
out a window, but it does the job, and I know
Mamo-Sama was only
thinking of what I needed. Anyway, I had another Moon
Kingdom Dream...but it
was weird! It involved Senshi we don't even know!
"Usagi exclaimed and
sighed. "I wish I could remember more-like me and
Mamoru's wedding,
from when we were Serenity and Endymion." she
finished.
Hearing this, ami sweatdrops.
##sweatdrop does not really convey much information.
While it appears to be an accepted fanfic convention,
similar to "facefault", it is not good storytelling.
The "sweatdrops" familiar to anime fans are used to
convey a sense of emotion.
The basic concept embodied by "sweatdrops" is the
feeling by the Japanese that they are "wet" or
intuitive and emotional while westerners are "dry" or
cold and logical.
This is a rather simplistic distillation of a complex
series of societal interactions.
An excellent resource for help in understanding at
least the basics is:
NTC's Dictionary of Japan's Cultural Code Words, Boye
Lafayette De Mente
"USAGI! Of all the things to obsess over,
when there is so much more we still need to know about
our former
enemies, as who knows when they may manage to return,"
Ami said with slight
annoyance.
"Oh? What about you and Zoicite?" Usagi cut her off,
smirking slightly.
Ami looked confused and said "Zo�? What about him...?"
and fell into
one of those all too common Moon Kingdom Flashbacks:
##Awkward phrasing. I'm not too sure about
"all too common Moon Kingdom Flashbacks". This makes
it sound as if the senshi or their alter-egos are in a
constant state of fugue. Even if true this needs a
slight re-write at the veryleast.
Ami is standing in the Ballroom of the Moon Kingdom
and is slow dancing
with one of Endymion's guardians, Zoicite, who is also
her fianc�.
"Ami dearest - I fear that when I leave we may never
meet again, or if
we do I'll be under Metallia's control," He tells the
blue hared nymph.
"Oh Zo�! That would be horrible, to have to destroy
you to protect the
Princess."
##errrrr, a little stilted. The concept is nice. Your
transition to flashback and your dialogue are just a
bit rough.
She says, no doubt in her mind the choice she'd make.
"You must...if any shred of my true self remains it
will be my only
chance of EVER escaping such control."
"As you wish my love" Any replied, holding him
tighter, feeling as if
he is already gone.
*End Flashback*
##<ouch> I think I hurt myself when I tripped over
your
command line. ^_^
So far this story shows possibilities. It's got some
really nice descriptive passages and some clever bits
on plot.
Ami is now crying as she wonders if she will ever have
a chance to see
him again
"I'm sorry...I thought you had remembered" usagi
apologizes
"No, I hadn't - I had blocked it out again...and he's
dead now! " Ami
said until she started crying again.
"Shh... It'll be OK, He'll be back...I promise" Usagi
said.
"How do you know?" Ami asked.
"Umm...just call it a hunch?" Usagi said, slightly
nervous, honestly
not sure HOW to fulfill this promise.
##Cute. A little rough but cute.
On the way to class they both sense a wave of evil,
with everyone
suddenly disapearing but them! Upon arriving at the
building their class is
in they are greeted by an unusual sight - the rooms
are empty!
##Ummmm, I think I'm having trouble suspending by
disbelief.
Think about this. Ami and Usagi are walking to class.
Suddenly they feel waves of evil. (This is Rei's job,
but perhaps Miko don't have a strong union.) *_^
Now just to make sure they get the point people start
vanishing.
Do they run? Do they call for help? They do not. They
continue on to class, apparently not even changing
pace, to be "greeted by an unusual sight".
Now _THAT'S_ an understatement. ^_^
This _really_ needs some detail added. SHOW the
reader what is happening.
Make the reader FEEL what Ami and Usagi feel upon
seeing people vanishing around them. As it reads now
it's very bland. Sort of::
"Ho hum, People vanishing, waves of evil. I feel like
getting some manjuu."
(Manjuu, steamed bun made of wheat flour filled with a
sweet bean paste called "an")
*)*
After a
search they find Minako, Makoto, and Rei waiting in
the Caf�. "Makoto
- what happened?" Usagi asked
"We have no idea ...we all were in class when a black
light shone and
they all dispappeared - a voice then told us to wait
for u two and meet
him at the Hill. "
##Well, this helps a little. Still, I for one, would
like just a teensy bit more exposition. This reads too
much like cliff notes.
Example::
"W . . .what happened!" Usagi stuttered.
"No idea." Rei looked ill. "we . . .we were all in
class. There . . ."
"There was a light," Minako continued when it became
apparent Rei could not go on.
"A black light." Makoto added.
"Yeah," Minako nodded. "A black light. Like someone
poured a shadow over the sun. And when we could see
again----"
"They were all gone." Rei finished in a tiny voice.
##Obviously this is NOT the only way to do this scene.
However it does provide examples of the kinds of
things I think this scene needs.
More detail on the _vanishing_, the "girls" reactions
to it and the emotional consequences of watching
friends, classmates and strangers just vanish.
"Well then let's go" Rei said.
"No - with so little info, rushing off to meet a foe
is not a wise
move, Mars." Usagi said, earning looks of surprise
from the others.
"Yeah, I guess so, I just hate to think what's being
done to those
people!" "Very wise Usagi!" complimented Artemis.
"yes it seems the princess in you is finally showing
out" Luna said.
"HEY! I earned it the hard way- Experience NOW!
Besides, it might be a
diversion." Usagi retorted, annoyed at their
assumption that wisdom was
somehow inherent in her and to be expected.
"I take it we're heading to Ami's now, then?" Makoto
asked. At this
point, everyone reappeared, dazed but apparently fine,
and Ami's Mini-Comp
started beeping
##<eeep> VERY rushed. Again, more detail please.
"Odd .." Ami murmurs then says suddenly. "Guys look! -
There is a huge
amount of Dark Kingdom energy being registered by my
comp. Location
narrowed to: North america...United States...New
York...Long Island
Area....Centereach????"" Ami said, surprised at dark
energy being elsewhere
then tokyo, where most of their battles have been.
"America.. why would anyone attack there,
unless...Luna were there any
other Senshi that were tied to the moon kingdom?" Rei
asked
"YES, The AraValon Senshi. They protected the kingdom
with the powerful
AraValon Crystals - all of them would unite to form
the AraValon
Eternity Crystal - their leader was the Crystal
Guardian or Sailor AraValon.
##More detail please. It's a little disconcerting to
have these new senshi dropped on the reader so
suddenly in such a large chunk.
" Setsuna said, as the outer Senshi arrived
"Your memory returns?" Setsuna asks Usagi.
"yes and thank you for your sacrifice!" Usagi
replied, a small sad
smile being shared by them both.
"My duty and honor being upheld is no sacrifice"
Setsuna replied,
causing Mina to stifle an odd laugh.
##??? Ummm, I'm a little lost on this one.
"Shimmatta! -Senshi teleport now!...Centereach is
being attacked by
the Dark Kingdom!" Ami said
********
Mike was sitting in the forum library with Katrin.
They were talking
and bickering like normal,
##Remember, these are _new_ characters. The reader has
no idea what is normal.
Mike studying a book on old ruins, and another
on lunar myths.
## Generic books are not very believable. If possible
try to use real books on ruins and myths with _one_
imaginary book. Adds to the "reality". ^_^
"Hey Cub!
##Who's "Cub"? Need to make this identity clearer.
Here's something you might be interested in
...apparently a
recently unearthed Stone Circle is decorated with an
odd flowing
script...look at this picture!" He says, gaining her
attention, by his sudden
vehemence.
What he is pointing to, is a picture of nothing else
but a Portal
Stone, the script being that of the Old tongue, the
main symbol resembles a
crystalline tower amongst mountains. It has reportedly
been found near
the entrance, surrounded by clover.
" A portal stone?!...But what is that symbol?" Katrin
replied.
##??? This POV shift is very confusing. Again, need
more detail so the reader knows what is going on.
"I'm not sure, but I might be able to guess." Mike
told her."It seems
that according to some ancient and scattered legends,
there was once a
Kingdom on the Moon...during a time up to the last
Collapse... It
probably ended during the same time as that outbreak
of warfare the
archeologists have begun finding proof of." He said
##Errrr, what outbreak of warfare? I realize of
course that there is a dearth of material on the Moon
Kingdom in most libraries. ^_^
There ARE quite a number of real books on legends,
archeology, etc. that could be incorporated into your
story for added realism.
IMO it is much better to try and work actual events
into your story. It provides a grounding in reality
that adds to the story, contains events that
the reader is or could be familiar with and saves you,
the author, from having to invent so much of a new
world.
In this case I find it very jarring to find your
character referring so casually to events that not
only did not happen but could NOT have happened. (a
major flaw in the SM story is the time line of one
thousand years. An advanced lunar civilization
existing only one thousand years ago would have left
MANY traces.
In my own stories I usually place the fall of the Moon
Kingdom at fifty to one hundred thousand years BCE to
help solve this problem.)
However it is _perfectly_ legitimate to create an
entire alternate universe where these things
DID happen. But *DETAIL* is absolutely necessary for
verisimilitude.
You _must_ provide detail enough to make this new
world real and believable to the reader. This section
is entirely too brief and offhand to provide such
realism.
<SNIP>
End of Chapter one
##Overall: Interesting in places. Some very nice
descriptive passages and a nice concept. However the
writing is very stilted and the story is too rushed.
The story suffers mostly from lack of detail and
dialogue that is too stilted. Readers like detail, at
least enough to make them comfortable with the story.
And, since you are changing or adding to the original
SM canon you must provide sufficient detail to make
these changes credible.
I also suggest reading the articles found at:
http://subreality.com/marysue/links.htm
This will help in creating your new characters.
I hope this has helped. Good luck. ^_~
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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