Some comments. If ya don't agree, that's fine. it's just my li'l
ol' opinion after all.
Ranma stared at Genma and exclaimed " You did WHAT! You
stupid incompetent JERK! I always knew you were a MORON but
this is a new low for you.
Gee, a new low? I never thought that was possible. Also, Ranma
would have grabbed him by the collar, not stared.
GRRR! DId Mom know about this?
IDIOT! It is a good thing I answered the phone today or I
would never have known, about this."
I don't think the last comma is necessary.
"err no she gave birth to a girl and I wanted a boy so I
slipped into the nursery and switched the tags, so they had
a girl to take home and I got the boy. " whimpered Genma.
Suggest: err, no
they is a vague term. I suggest something like 'your real parents'
or 'the other family'
"It never occurred to you that you could raise a girl and
have a second child later who might be a boy?" asked Ranma;
who was glowing like a 250 watt bulb.
I dunno, these things usually don't occur to Ranma either.
"uh. No, that thought never entered my mind"
figures
"and YOU Tendo You knew about this!"
"ahh, well, yes, I thought, it was for the best after all,
to help join the Schools." sighed Soun
figures again. (SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT!!!) Ranma should
just stick to older, more mature women.
"You Elder Tendo Daughters knew about it also and didn't
bother to tell me!" Screamed Ranma
I don't think you should capitalize Elder or Daughters. Then
again, I'm no authority.
" After I paid you Nabiki to let me know any information
concerning me and my family ,that you knew or could find
out. I guess your word wasn't much good after all."
You lost me here. I have trouble seeing who paid who to
get info that who knew.
"Kasumi, I thought of you as a big sister, someone I could
trust. Now I know you can't trust a Tendo, no you can't
trust anyone involved with Anything Goes."
Including himself? Then again, you really can't trust those
devious Tendos. Not to worry, Ukyo and I are working to...
get rid of that particular problem.
"As an Example; I found out, Akane, had hot and cold
running water, added to her room
lose all commas to this point (I think)
, I checked and it can be
activated by foot pedals and can be reached by P-Chan. The
activated by foot pedals. It can be reached by P-Chan. (long sentence,
awkward to read)
Bitch who has been calling ME a PERVERT has been sleeping
with Ryoga, the Pig boy. Just to make certain, I checked
last night and my Ex-Fiancee and her lover were very happy
together."
Stupid kawaiikune @%#@# uncute sexless %*&&**^. Ahhhh I feel _so_
much better.
"I had thought to make one of you, my fiancee, but now I
wouldn't trust one of you enough to turn my back on you."
Ranma added, I would rather trust Mousse or Shampoo"
one of you my fiance (lose comma again)
suggest: wouldn't trust a Tendo. (one of you gets monotonous)
suggest: lose Mousse. Ranma wouldn't remember him at a time
like this. Maybe Ukyo or Shampoo. (yeah, I know. I'm Jose
Argao, and I'm an Uk-aholic)
At this comment Soun blushed and started to add something
about how honor should make Ranma marry a Tendo. Then he
LOOKED at Ranma, who was glowing brighter than a light bulb
filament and decided not to risk angering him further.
Suggest:At this comment, Soun...
Bulbs again. Never mind.
" You had better not trust them either Ranma", commented
Nabiki "Both Ukyou, Shampoo and Mousse knew also."
Lose Mousse. Both refers only to two people.
Suggest: Both Ukyo and Shampoo/ Ukyo, Shampoo and Mousse
also knew.
"Great, well I have to check that but if it is true, then I
am leaving Nerima and never returning"
Suggest: I'm leaving Nerima and I'm not coming back!
(sounds more Ranmaish)
"Well at least my real family is coming to pick me up today,
I sure won't miss this place after today. This has to be the
worst day of life so far.
Suggest: Well, at least...
pick me up today. (comma should be period)
Suggest: lose so far (sounds better ^_^)
Ranma then calls up the Nekohanten and asks " Mousse did you
know about my having been kidnapped as a child, and being
raised by that child abuser Genma Saotome.
Suggest: Try reworking this. It seems kinda flat. No emotion at all.
As Genma
stuttered in the background, Mousse said " Yes I did know,
Shampoo told me and asked me not to tell you."
Not even attempting to cover up?
"Tell Shampoo the engagement is off, I won't marry someone I
can't trust not to betray me."
Not even confirming it with Shampoo?
as Ranma hung up the phone, the sound of cheers could be
heard faintly in the background.
that was me cheering. ^_~
Ranma then called Ucchan's and asked to speak to Ukyou, When
she came on the line he asked " Did you know that Genma
stole me from my real parents, so he could take me on the
training trip as an excuse for abusing me?"
Ukyou replied " Yes he told me about how he took you from
your real parents. Why do you ask?"
Yes, I lied to you all along. Everything I ever told you was a farce.
Why do you ask?
Again, not even attempting to cover up.
"Because I just found out about it when my real parents
called here looking for me today. I am ending all of the
engagements since none of you could be bothered to let me
know about this. I will tell you the same thing I told
Shampoo and Mousse, if you see me, turn around and leave, as
>from this day forward, you are my enemy! I am leaving
Nerima and NEVER coming back!"
Enemy? Ranma fighting girls? Maybe he wouldn't speak to
them again but enemy? Oh well, it's your fic.
He then called the paper and put a notice in the classified
section, that he was not responsible for any debts; Past,
Present or Future incurred by Genma Saotome including those
incurred in the name of Ranma Saotome, by Genma Saotome.
Somehow, I don't think creditors would buy that.
" Hello this is the Goddess Help Line, Our representative
will be with you in a few moments."
Suggest: Line. Our rep...
He hung up and dialed again, this time he slightly
misdialed, getting this response " Hell-o This is the Demon
grant a wish HOT line, Our Purchaser will be right with you,
when she feels like it. Think about what you want to buy,
after all it's your soul , Baaaby "
Twice in a row? What are the chances? (pretty darn high
in the Ranmaverse if ya ask me)
So he decided to just walk over to where they lived. It was
only about twenty miles, maybe less.
Walk? Maybe it would be faster to jump on roofs or something.
I dunno really.
As he left the front door, a sound of someone running down
the steps, someone he didn't recognize caused him to turn
around. " Hello who are you?" he said to the thirteen year
old girl.
Suggest: someone he didn't recognize, caused...
Examining her with his Ki senses, he quickly identified her
as a powerful spirit in the form of a human, probably a
goddess of some type. Looking closer he was able to identify
her as having something to do with Time.
Nifty Ki senses he's got there.
" I am the response to your call, she replied I am here to
grant you one and only one wish at no cost to you at all."
" what would you like to have?"
Suggest: she replied. I am...
"I wish above all else to have a family that can accept me
for what and who I am and Love me. A family I can trust, to
help me when I need help and not to betray me, when it is
convenient. A family I don't have to be afraid of and who
won't be afraid of me. Hopefully a family who will help me
find a girl who will share the best part of my family and
who I can trust and love and not be betrayed by."
Yeah, Ranma usually just believes people when they say
they're goddesses. Oh yeah! Ki sense! Sorry 'bout that.
"That is the single wisest wish I have ever heard." replied
Skuld
Best I've heard myself.
"Who are you? I didn't have a chance to see your file.
"I don't know my real name as I was stolen as a newborn but
I have going under the name Of Ranma Saotome as that is what
my kidnappers called me."
I am going under the name of Ranma...
"RANMA SAOTOME, That is the name of my nephew. You must be
Belldandy's missing son, she said she wanted to hear from
you. Grab my hand and I'll take you to her. You still have a
wish coming but save it for later, until you get used to our
Family.
Yeah! That's right. There's bound to be only one Ranma Saotome
in the world. Since that's your name, it must be you my sister has
been looking for!
Chapter one THE END!
Nice chapter. A little rough, but nice.
Please remember this is an parallel word story and not an
alternate world story. So where people are not what you
expect, it's because they never were the people you expect.
Oh, OK.
Comments, C&C and OOH I just loved it. can be sent to me,
C&C above. OOOH I just loved it.
Flames and Complaints about Akane not appearing in the
story( she was busy with Ryoga) can be sent to
vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Public or private comments are welcome.
How about requests for Akane never to appear in the story?
Ouch! Ow! No, not... Aaaaaah! OK, no more anti Akane/Ranma
quips. (for a while at least)
Well, I liked it. That much I'm sure of. However, the plot seems to
move along a little too... conveniently. People _do_ lie and it seems
Ranma isn't aware of that little fact. Other than that, It's a fresh idea
I can't wait to see continued.
Jose Argao