So how's the rest of this coming along? I'm looking forward to reading
more of it!
Here's the comments you've asked for:
A Twisted Fate
Chapter Three
Of Bokkens and Oni, Part 1
"Excuse me," a soft alto voice asked.
A passerby stopped walking and turning in the direction of the voice.
Spying
a figure all bundled in a dusty, tattered cloak, the man responded. "Are
you
talking to me?"
I'd recommend dropping the word "all" from this sentence. It's a folksy
way of talking and perfectly acceptable, but since the style of the story
_isn't_ folksy, you should watch for out-of-place usages like this.
"Yes," the apparently female owner of the voice replied. "Where am I?"
"You're in Nerima." He was surprised by the female's reaction, hopping up
and down with a fist struck out in the air.
She's a Black Panther? Or a lousy baseball player... "a fist struck
out" doesn't sound right. How about "as she raised a fist to the sky in
triumph"?
"Thank you!" The figure focussed all of her attention in the direction
being
pointed to, then leapt into the air. The wind billowed out her cloak,
and,
no mistaking it, she was flying.
This isn't defined very well. Who's making the comment (mental or
otherwise) that she's flying? It sounds like it should be a thought of the
person she was just talking to, but there's no reference to him.
The man's eyes widened and he began to gibber, "Im-impossible!" over and
and
over. Unable to comprehend what he just saw, he passed out. Another
passerby, who had happened to have seen the previous events, glanced down
at
the prone form. "Must be new around here..." He then promptly continued
to
walk on.
"promptly" isn't needed. How about " "Must be new around here," he
observed as he continued on his way."
* * * * *
"School?" Ranma asked, a little perplexed.
Nabiki gave him a sardonic smirk. "Yes, Ranma. School. Since you're
going
to be staying here for some time, it's best that you attend school and get
an
education," she said calmly, then she crossed her arms over the white
blouse
of her school uniform. "Besides, I will not let my older sister marry a
bum
off the streets."
This just raised a thought in my head... admittedly, Takahashi-san did
it first, but I wonder just how it is that Ranma always seems to get into
Furinkan High so easily.
In real life, Japanese kids are only required to attend school up to the
middle school level, and have to compete for acceptence into a high school.
If they can't pass the entrance exam, they don't go to high school. It's
the same as entrance exams for college.
Yet in the anime, the manga, and every fan fiction story I can recall,
we have this scenario: Ranma, with almost no academic history or GPA, walks
into town and gains immediate acceptence at the school of his choice.
Strange, isn't it?
Nabiki interrupted. "There will be time enough for you and Kasumi to
have...'quality time.'"
" to have... 'quality time'." Keep the single-quotes inside the
sentence, around the words they're marking.
She smirked as Ranma looked confused at the little
joke she made. It sometimes paid to have a friend that was fanatical
about
using catch phrases from violent, American movies.
"from violent American movies."
She turned to him. "You don't know the way?"
"No..." He shrugged. "Oh, well, since I don't know where the school is,
I
guess I can't go today." Somehow, the smile on his face betrayed his
upset
attitude of missing school.
How about "However, the smile on his face betrayed his supposed anguish
at missing school."
A real man, unlike all of those stupid _boys_ at her school. Kind, warm,
sensitive...handsome... Her cheeks tinted rose at that thought. And he
was
in reach, too. Just as soon as she could finally get him to notice _her_
as
a woman, and drag away all of his affections from her main obstacle--her
own
sister Kasumi.
Well, she was engaged to that scumbag of an insensitive jerk Ranma, so
that
should help her own cause, even if she hated that idiot's guts twice over.
Mangling her hair like that...
The pronouns are undefined in this part. This paragraph doesn't make
clear just who is engaged to Ranma; if you read it cold, it could just as
easily mean that Akane is the one who's engaged to him.
Akane growled. "Shut up, Nabiki." She stood up, then faltered a little,
one
eye wincing its indication of pain.
"You won't be in much shape to handle your fan clubs if you're hurt, you
know."
"fan club"
She stared dumbly at her older sister, then snorted derisively. "What
does
that have to do with anything? She laughs all the time."
"Name one."
Name one what?
How about "Name a time."
Ranma sighed. The day was not going as well as it should have. For
starters, he was going off to attend school, his least favorite thing to
do
with his time. It bored him so much, he may very well doze off in class
before half an hour had elapsed.
Mixed tenses. How about "It bored him so much, he knew he'd be likely
to doze off... etc.)
Secondly, he was practically railroaded
into the idea by Nabiki, and if there was any one thing that he hated, it
was
being forced to do something. Not surprisingly, he hadn't been bossed
around
very much since he acquired his curse; in fact, Genma had been calling him
"son" instead of just "boy" a day after their dip in Jusenkyou's cold
waters.
It was strangely reveling the first time he had addressed him as such,
and
he unwittingly beamed at his father then.
"strangely reveling" doesn't make sense. How about "It was strangely
exhilerating the first time Genma had addressed him that way, and he'd
unwittingly... etc."
However, that didn't disturb the young man so prevalently. That
particular
honor went to himself. More importantly, how he had been behaving as of
late.
"didn't disturb the young man unduly."
The rest of the sentences are fragmented rather badly. They should be
one sentence, not two.
"My. You are very good."
He smirked at her. "Thanks. Pop didn't pull any punches when he was
training me, unlike--"
"smirked" has a negative connotation. How about "grinned" instead?
"No, I didn't." He shot the last of the excess water out between his
lips.
His eyes never left the woman or her bucket. "If there's anything
annoying
about my...'curse,' it's got to be being a water manget. A real blind
spot."
Abruptly, Saiyajin-Ranma disregarded her and turned his attention back to
Kasumi. "So, anyway, didn't your pop show you stuff like that?"
"magnet"
She looked up at him. "Wha-AAH!" The next thing Kasumi was aware of, the
ground was falling out from underneath her. She pinched her eyes shut,
afraid to look anywhere else.
"pinched" is inappropriate, since that's something you do with your
fingers. How about "squeezed"?
She smiled a little, if a bit nervous. "Yes. I want you to suceed in
your
education."
"succeed"
He shuddered at the mere thought. Genma pulled his tail once before. It
took him "M-maybe you got a point. I'll just run back home and--"
"It shook him."
Ja mata,
LarryF