Total rubbish, but it helped me think. The next episode of RoD will
now happen. And I promise another 5MT soon. ;)
POST CONVENTION BLUES or ARRGH! THEY'RE ALL POKEMON FANS!
Subi [21/03/00]
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: A terraced house in Manchester. It is, of course, raining,
and the grim skyline can be seen though the net curtains that cover
the bay window. In fact, the only thing terraced houses in
Manchester have going for them is that all the ones over fifty years
old are dimensionally transcendental, bigger on the inside than they
look on the outside. This is true, come and look if you don't
believe me.]
[The door suddenly bursts open, and four almost identical men come
crashing through, each wearing glasses and a dark blue t-shirt with a
large "4" printed on the front, and carrying a huge array of carrier
bags. The Subi's are BACK.]
MusicSubi: Are we there yet daddy?
ArtSubi: For the thousandth time YES! Get with the programme just
ONCE can't you?! Look MusicSubi, sofaaah! Fetch!
MusicSubi: Where? [sees] Yeeeah!
[MusicSubi dives for the sofa, curls round a cushion and immediately
goes to sleep.]
ArtSubi: At last. Bloody hell, I don't want to go through THAT
journey again. Every three seconds "Are we there yet? Are we there
yet?!" all the fucking way from Southampton.
WriterSubi: Weren't we going to leave him behind this time?
ArtSubi: He sneaked into the rucksack. Can't understand why I didn't
notice the weight.
WriterSubi: Because he dumped all the clothes out of it first.
CoderSubi: Which is why we've been sharing the same set of boxers for
five days.
ArtSubi: Good point. Yes. Shower. Now. Me first.
CoderSubi: We'll have to wait for the water to heat up.
ArtSubi: Bugger.
WriterSubi: I'll open a window then. All of them, in fact. Stick the
kettle on will you CoderSubi?
[CoderSubi exits, ArtSubi and WriterSubi crash into the armchairs.]
WriterSubi: So that was MinamiCon Six. Not bad, even if we didn't
actually manage to watch anything.
ArtSubi: The time was well spent though.
WriterSubi: What, in the bar you mean?
ArtSubi: Can you think of a better place to spend seventy-two hours?
WriterSubi: True. Particularly as the karaoke session was taken over
by the Fire Bomber fanclub again. [smirks] Pity the artist's alley
didn't go better.
ArtSubi: [scowls] Shut it. It might've helped if the con committee
hadn't completely forgotten about us and remembered to unlock the
bloody venue. And if Niki hadn't gone into bionic artist mode and
tried to draw everyone in the dealer room in five seconds.
WriterSubi: [shakes head in mock sympathy] Nasty. Shame it's the last
UK con this year already. Is it too late for them to organise
another AyaCon?
ArtSubi: Apparently.
[CoderSubi reenters with the tea, in three mugs and a saucer. He puts
the saucer in front of MusicSubi who wakes up and slurps noisily.]
CoderSubi: I can't understand why it takes so much time to organise an
anime con. Remember the Amiga copy-parties?
ArtSubi: No. Neither me or WriterSubi existed then, remember?
CoderSubi: Oh yeah. Well, it was dead easy. You just hired a school
building or something, gave every demo crew a classroom and we
crashed on the floor when we got too tired to code or track...
WriterSubi: Oh Gawd, here we go, embittered old veteran time again.
We KNOW it was much better in 1989, now shut the fuck up. Besides,
it can't've been THAT good. Look how MusicSubi ended up.
[They all take a second to regard the human wreckage on the sofa, the
oldest aspect, who has finished his tea and lapsed into back into
unconsciousness.]
CoderSubi: We probably shouldn't've drunk QUITE that much.
WriterSubi: Hey, there was no way we were going to let those maniacs
from CyberAge drink us under the table was there?
ArtSubi: He's got a point though. If it wasn't for all those no-mates
wankers wanting to spend three days in front of a badly-fansubbed
ninth gen copy of a twenty-six episode shojo series that no-one
outside of the cast of a Saturday morning cartoon can relate to you
could organise a con in two weeks.
WriterSubi: It's a thought. On the other hand it could be worse. If
this was America we'd've been subjected to a masquerade that lasted
nearly all day and consisted entirely of people thinking that
turning your back on the audience for a second and sticking a couple
of tennis balls down their shirt counts as a Ranma impersonation.
ArtSubi: Not to mention a few more hours watching a CATEGORISED series
of fan videos, all consisting of gratuitous breast shots and fight
scenes, put together by someone with less timing than an epileptic
in a strobelight using a video grabber that blurs the picture to the
point of unreadability. And made from a collection of tapes that've
been sitting next to a magnet for a least a decade and set over a
track that sounds like it's being sung underwater.
WriterSubi: And all shown in a room with about a billion people, none
of whom remembered to bring any deodorant, on a hot summer's day in
Atlanta.
ArtSubi: And, of course, there'd've been a horde of Goths having a
gang-bang in the toilets.
WriterSubi: As it was, all that was over in half-an-hour. Thank fuck.
ArtSubi: Wasn't keen on the no-smoking rule though.
WriterSubi: Oh come on. Again, if we'd've been in America we'd've had
to've left the state to smoke. Personal freedom my arse.
ArtSubi: In fact, the only real thing wrong with Minami was all those
Pokemon fans painting themselves head-to-foot in yellow and scaring
the shit out of all the adulterers and travelling salesmen we were
sharing the hotel with.
WriterSubi: Not the kind of publicity we need, certainly. [gets up]
Time to check the 'Net. Wonder if those posts've got though to RAAC
yet?
[WriterSubi goes over to the PC and turns it on. ArtSubi starts
rummaging in the carrier bags.]
ArtSubi: Also time to check what we bought in the dealer room. Ah!
[pulls out a copy of Satoshi Urishihara's "Cell Works"] Here it is!
Right, no-one's going to be using the bathroom for a while are they?
CoderSubi: Not 'til the water heats up.
ArtSubi: Good. Anyone seen the tissues?
WriterSubi: ARRGH!
ArtSubi: What now?
WriterSubi: I don't beLIEVE this!
CoderSubi: Oh fuck, he's not looking at the BBFC report again is he?
WriterSubi: Look at this! We go away for five days and all that gets
posted to RAAC is THIRTEEN fics! Not a hide nor hair of Republic of
Desire #1 and #2, or the 5MTing of Burn-Up W!
ArtSubi: No kidding? That sucks.
WriterSubi: I promised ourselves I wouldn't write anything else until
our backlog of fics was cleared from RAAC!
ArtSubi: We can only hope.
WriterSubi: We don't get this kind of shit from the FFML! That DOES
it! We get ignored for two months, no-one replies to contact
requests sent to the NG or emails to the coordinator! I want him
HERE, and I want him here NOW!
ArtSubi: [sighs] CoderSubi, get the Timescoop.
CoderSubi: Okay-dokey.
ArtSubi: Off on one he is on.
[CoderSubi exits briefly and returns pushing a large machine with
rather baroque controls and the words "property of BBC props dept."
stencilled on the side.
ArtSubi: It's incredible what you can find at BBC clearout sales.
WriterSubi: [cracks knuckles] Right! [sits before the machine] What's
the address again?
ArtSubi: "raac-coordinator@cs.ubc.ca".
WriterSubi: He shall be MINE! [plays the controls of the Timescoop
much in the manner of the Phantom of the Opera] Come to me!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH! And stick the Limp Bizkit album on.
CoderSubi: Bloody hell, he IS serious.
[As the sweet melody - not - of "Break Stuff" hits the air, the
Timescoop glows with an unearthly light and hums and shakes wildly.
ArtSubi and CoderSubi leap behind the sofa whilst WriterSubi throws
his head back and cackles manically.]
WriterSubi: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAH! *cough*
CoderSubi: We should stop him you know. He's about to make a dreadful
mistake.
ArtSubi: Well volunteered that man.
CoderSubi: Oh... er... okay.
[With infinite caution CoderSubi edges towards WriterSubi and taps him
on the shoulder.]
WriterSubi: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAwhat?
CoderSubi: You'll thank me for this later.
[CODESUBI clonks WriterSubi around the head with a carrier bag full of
Tenchi TV DVDs. Then he does it again. WriterSubi collapses and
CoderSubi reaches past him and switches off the Timescoop.]
ArtSubi: The day is saved. I was with you all the way.
CoderSubi: Yeah right. Get the duct tape.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: The house, later that evening. ArtSubi and CoderSubi are
sitting in the armchairs drinking tea and watching the aforementioned
Tenchi TV DVDs. CoderSubi is resting his feet on WriterSubi, who is
tied up with duct tape.]
WriterSubi: Let me go you bastards!
ArtSubi: Is he awake already? That's the trouble with DVDs, they just
don't have the same mass as cassettes. If that series'd been on VHS
he'd've been out for a week and it'd only've taken ONE thump to do
it.
CoderSubi: Sorry mate, but we couldn't let you assassinate Brian
Edmonds. Quite apart from getting us banned from everywhere it
wouldn't've been right. The guys's a busy and dedicated man, got
his own life to lead and stuff. Give him a break, he does NOT have
some personal vendetta against you.
ArtSubi: Even if our personal opinion is that the moderation job could
happily be done by a filter that simply deleted every post with the
words "Ranma" or "Sailor Moon" in the subject line.
CoderSubi: Just because we've got a work ethic that makes a Japanese
car worker take a second look doesn't mean that everyone has. We
do work in the videogames industry after all.
ArtSubi: Face it, we're sad. We have no life.
CoderSubi: Nah, we'd only be sad if we didn't spend a lot of time in
the pub.
ArtSubi: Which reminds me. Since he's tied up, I'll take advantage.
WriterSubi: [panics] Don't you fucking DARE!
ArtSubi: [gets up and goes to PC] I MEAN that I'll get those episode
57' pics done for EVR:R, since you won't be writing sarcastic
vicious self-righteous bollocks for a while.
CoderSubi: After we've been to the pub.
ArtSubi: You've persuaded me. [waves to WriterSubi] Bye bye, bondage
guy. This'll teach you the meaning of patience.
WriterSubi: You arseholes! At least turn me round so I can watch the
television!
CoderSubi: Okay.
[CoderSubi moves WriterSubi so he can see the screen.]
WriterSubi: Cheers.
[ArtSubi turns the television off.]
WriterSubi: BASTAAARDS!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: The Famous Trevor Arms, ArtSubi and CoderSubi are both sipping
pints of Grenalls. ArtSubi suddenly fishes out a weirdly glowing
mobile phone with "Senshi Hotline" written on it from his coat
pocket.]
CoderSubi: What's that?
ArtSubi: Another little thing I picked up at the con, from some little
guy in a flying helmet and goggles who was trying to get the money
together for a plane ticket back to Ekoda. Kept saying something
about "that bitch Mian" dumping him in the wrong place.
CoderSubi: Is it what I think it is?
ArtSubi: [grinning evilly] Certainly is. Shall we send someone to
rescue the scribbler?
CoderSubi: [also grinning evilly] Why not?
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Back in the house. WriterSubi is lying staring at his
reflection in the blank television screen and fuming. Suddenly the
window explodes, showering the room with shards of glass. Standing in
the midst of the wreckage in a corona of light are the Sailor Senshi.]
Sailor Moon: I am pretty soldier Sailor Moon! Defender of justice
and... YOU?!
WriterSubi: [opening one eye] Oh great, just what I need. Five
screeching valley girls led by a meatball-headed bubblebrain with
the dress sense of the tooth fairy. Come to set me free have you?
Sailor Moon: [pouts] Yes... but first I think we'll be nice and give
you a taster of our new album.
WriterSubi: [pales] Hey wait, I didn't mean... I mean, sorry for
being so nasty to you in the past... that Christmas Ranma thing was
just a joke...
Sailor Moon: [uncharacteristically evil grin] It's called "Choke you
on Sweetness and Light". Ready girls?
WriterSubi: [panics] Anything! I'll give you anything! I'll do
anything! I'll write a Sailor Moon fic! One where you don't get
horribly killed! One that isn't a lemon! Just PLEASE don't sing!
Sailor Moon: [using the Moon Sceptre to conduct] One, two, three,
FOUR!
WriterSubi: ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Sailor Moon: In the name of the Moon, you're PUNISHED!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: The pub, and time for the next round.]
CoderSubi: [grimaces] That was NASTY. We can't let those airheads
treat one of us THAT badly, even if he deserved it.
ArtSubi: They won't. MusicSubi's still asleep on the sofa, remember?
CoderSubi: Oh yeah.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: The house. WriterSubi is babbling incoherently in terror as
the Senshi go through their entire musical repertoire.]
The Senshi: "...Never running from a real fight, she is the one
called..."
MusicSubi: [wakes and sits bolt upright] SAILOR MOON?!
Sailor Moon: Wha? Ohshit!
[MusicSubi revs up a chainsaw and lets rip. Screams and blood follow.
Amidst the carnage Sailor Moon's head plops noisily onto the floor in
front of WriterSubi's nose.]
WriterSubi: [relief] Aaah... at last! Now if I can just use her teeth
as a blade to get this tape off me... Bloody HELL they're bright...
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote this after coming back from MinamiCon 6, under the influence
of con lag, which is just like jet lag, except the feeling shit due to
time difference is caused simply by staying up for three days running
and drinking too much. Everything mentioned here happened. It also
in some small way commemorates the fact that Sailor Moon is FINALLY on
TV in the UK... even if it is THAT dub.
Does anybody think there's any more mileage in a fanfic about four
disillusioned anime fans who are really the same person? Go and look
at my webpage if you don't know why there's that many of me.
The original idea for the ending I dumped shortly after getting off
the train, as I felt I just COULDN'T do that to Brian Edmonds and the
RAAC moderation crew, who I would like to reiterate I hold in deep
respect and gratitude. Please don't get annoyed guys. The two month
wait bit is true though, but that's happened to ever fanfic writer. ;)
The "Senshi Hotline" idea was blatantly nicked from Lemon Sherbet,
which, contrary to popular belief, is NOT the only fanfic I've ever
read. Sorry John. I make you co-star in RoD and nick your gags, but
imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, after all.
And, horrifyingly, I've had an idea for a Ranma fanfic. I've been
hanging around this list too long...
Subi [21/03/00]
subi@mono211.com
http://www.gameart.com/4ca
[end]