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Disclaimer: The Slayers characters and setting, as well as the Evangelion characters and setting,
belong to some very nice people who aren't us. Please, `very nice' people, don't sue us. This is
not meant to infringe on copyright, and is not meant to make money. Anyone who's read fanfics
knows this. Please feel free to distribute this as you like.
Before you start flaming us, realize that we INTENDED this fic to be corny, goofy and generally
bad. It's a joke. We would REALLY like this to get the MST3K treatment. Really. We mean
it.
If you have intelligent commentary, (not just "I like it" or "It's good" or "I laughed until milk
came out my nose") we will a) wonder if you actually read it and b) take it into serious
consideration.
Please send all commentary to: Laughlin@accessv.com
No Angels were hurt during the production of this fanfic (well, except Bloanawltuhel, but can
you blame us?).
* A Neon Genesis Evangelion/Slayers Crossover *
* *
* Cruel Lina's Thesis *
* *
* Part 1: A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to... *
Introduction
----------------
"DIGGER BOLT!" Blue arcs of electricity leapt from Lina Inverse's hands. The scarlet
haired-sorceress wiped her brow after sending another crowd of the strange, black-clad warriors
to their final reward. "Y'know Gaurry, these guys in black are persistent, but they aren't very
skilled. Why are they after you, anyway?"
<Clang clang AIIEEE!> Gaurry was occupied for the moment, mowing his way through a
small legion of the shadowy warriors. "I sorta busted into their temple and ran off with some
heirloom sword or something." Realizing this sounded bad, he kept talking. "But they're a clan
of assassins, so it's not like I'm really stealing, Right?."
Lina laughed and let off another spell, sending more black-masks running for cover. "It's
about TIME you got the idea, Gaurry! There's hope for you yet!"
On top of a pile of former elite warriors, the young girl known as Amelia Wil Tesla
Saillune clasped her hands warmly to her breast. "Oh Mister Gaurry! Your shining example of
justice in action is an inspiration to..." While winding up for yet another long-winded
dissertation on the virtues of virtue, even more `master assassins' crept, fearfully forward hoping
to rid the world of such bad prose. However, without breaking cadence, "... and the fish of the
air and the birds of the -FIREBALL- seas have....." she disintegrated the intrepid band of
disposable warriors into a pile of black ash.
<ZOT!> Again, more ash. "I can't believe that I'm related to this flake. The only thing
that we possibly share in common is that our breasts are still bigger than a certain physically
immature sorceress we all know and despise." said Naga, giggling maniacally.
There came a calm to the battle, the type of calm that forebodes greater destruction. The
type of calm that tends to send incidental characters running for cover. Doubtlessly, this came
about because the (all right, let's just spit it out. Ok? They're ninjas; everyday regular disposable
ninjas) enemy, who was not blind, noticed an actinic blue glow around Lina.
She was pissed.
Amelia, being quite familiar with the older sorceress' fits of anger, opted to be the voice
of reason. "Lina? Lina? That's... that might not be a very good idea."
Lina, who is often deaf to the voice of reason, " I. Have. Had. Just. About. Enough. Of.
You. You. Tag-along. Talentless. Wannabe. Sorceress."
Gaurry and Amelia looked to each other seeking confirmation that this was 'really' a bad
thing. Lina's aura, by this time, was shifting through the united colours of Beneton. Yes, this was
'really' a bad thing.
"Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows..." Lina began the incantation to
the most powerful spell in black magic.
"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod Miss Lina's really casting it! WhatamIgonnado?!" Amelia
ran in a small, hysterical circle.
"Buried in the flow of time..."
"Of course!" Amelia hastily pulled a grease-stained, wine-soaked scroll from her belt
pouch, and flipped it open. "Aaah! This is so stained from the bar fight last night I can hardly
read it! <under her breath> not that I really know how to read this language anyway."
"in thy great name, I pledge myself to darkness!"
"Umm... By the holy wings of... Mayonnaise?... bear us swiftly and surely and...ah! there
isn't enough time for me to read this! Umm... swiftly and surely and... yaddayaddayadda upright,
locked position,..."
"Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I possess!"
"Klaatu, Barata, Blahblahblahyakkityshmakkity...BALDUR'S GATE!"
"DRAGU SLAVE!!"
This, dear readers, is when something WENT HORRIBLY WRONG ;.... as expected. It
wouldn't be much of a crossover if it didn't.
The resulting sphere of raw, semi-focused power cast the heroes and heroines away. Who
cares about the ninjas. Those that could still walk reformed their evil ways and opened up a line
of fast food restaurants; Ninja-hut <we only deliver at night, through skylights>.
-----------------------------
Back in the 'real' world
-----------------------------
KABOOM! A large cross shaped explosion dominated the Tokyo-3 skyline. followed by
a series of small explosions as bits of the angel (dubbed Bloanawltuhel) lived up to his namesake
and spread pieces of it's carcass all across the city.
"Stand down from condition red. Mobilize the recovery and repair teams. Good job
pilots, another day, another angel." For Misato and the remainder of the staff at NERV, it was
just another typical save-the-world day.
Over the comm channels, chatter could be heard among the pilots. "Did you see that head
shot? I am just soooooo good. What do you think of that 'Great and Glorious Shinji'?"
commented the pilot of EVA-02.
"I'm sorry." Said Shinji
"What are you apologizing for you doorknob!"
"I don't know. I think I have to apologize for something, but I'm not sure what."
"Grow a spine you half-wit"
"I'm sorry." Shinji again.
"Stop that!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Alright! Both of you! Cut it out!". Turning to the commander, Misato posed a question,
"Sir are you sure we couldn't just shoot them all? Come on, this is the 30th angel we've fought. I
thought there was only supposed to be 17?"
"No Ms. Katsuragi, we still require the services of the children." replied the commander,
staring cooly at the screen; face unmoving, eye's unflinching. " The administration would frown
on you removing the primary actors. We've got merchandising rites to consider. And sequels,
Neon Genesis Voyager is due to premier this fall. We have to milk this cash cow for all she's
worth, especially since the budgets's been cut again."
"Again!" cried Misato, her face silhouetted against a blue streaked background. " Does
that mean we're going to have to use cheap animation techniques and re-use stock footage."
"Yes Ms. Katsuragi. I'm afraid so." replied the commander, staring cooly at the screen;
face unmoving, eye's unflinching.
"Again!" cried Misato, her face silhouetted against a blue streaked background. "That's
horrible. I tell you commander, we're about at the end of our tether. I heard rumours,..." walking
up and whispers to him. "I've heard that some of the staff are considering getting positions at
Animeigo."
"No Ms. Katsuragi, I'm afraid not. Their efforts are in vain. We are all property of
Gainax. They cannot leave. We won't let them." replied the commander, staring cooly at the
screen; face unmoving, eye's unflinching. "Recall the Evangelions and their pilots and begin
repairs to the city I'm going to see my hairdresser."
"No your not, you're going to consult the Dead Sea Scrolls so you can figure out what's
going to happen to us next."
Shocked at the blatant revelation of one of his most guarded secrets he adamantly
protested, "No, no, no. You've got it all wrong. I've booked an appointment with Renaldo for 3
weeks and he's finally made time for me today."
"But wasn't his shop destroyed in this angel attack?"
Stumped, Ikari got desperate, "Look over there, the 31st angel! It looks just like Jerry
Springer", and quickly ducks out. While the NERV crew indulged their commanders lame
attempt at a distraction, and Asuka continued to be angry at Shinji for apologizing (for which he
apologized), the all seeing eyes of Rei Ayanami in EVA-00 looked out onto the city seeing all
that transpired; including the group of historically inaccurate warriors huddled in the remains of
a building.
-----------------------------
Back with our original cast
-----------------------------
"nnng. nnNnng." Lina Inverse painfully pulled herself up into a sitting position, and
favoured Amelia with a baleful glare. The younger sorceress, just now waking up, was dangling
by one boot-top from an outcropping of rubble. After making sure her jaw still worked, Lina
addressed her. "You realize this is all your fault."
"Wow. That was incredible. I've NEVER wielded such magic before, and I righteously
saved us all from certain death! I'm having the best day of my life!" So saying, Amelia fell out
of her boot and knocked herself unconscious on the ground.
"Well," Naga said, dusting off her dress. "At least we're alive, no thanks to the red-headed
psycho.." She paused to take a good look around. She froze.
"Naga?" Gaurry waved a hand in front of her face. "Hey Lina. Something's wrong with
Naga."
Stuttering, Naga gaped, "B-b-b-b-big. IT's just so,..... big."
Gaurry was mistakenly impressed. Then he turned around and realized what was drawing
Naga's attention. "GIANT!"
Standing less than 500m away (for you Yanks, it's not very far), Eva-00 was slowly
sinking into the ground through one of the NERV access ports staring at them with its one
lifeless eye.
Wiser members of the party, ie. Lina, were ducking for cover. Everyone else was either
to stunned to move or already unconscious. This was wise as at this time the city chose to rise up
like so many daisies on steroids.
Amelia who had regained consciousness, wondered if she was hallucinating
Lina, " I don't think we're in Saillune anymore."
The Slayers cast looked on as the city surfaced. All that could be heard in the
background, aside from the whirring of the motors that were raising the strange tall buildings,
was the yapping of a small beige dog over the remanets of a corpse buried under the rubble of
a building. All that could be seen of the cadaver was a pair of striped socks.
"Kakkoi!" said the youngest sorceress, squealing in delight. "A city. Rising from the
darkness of devastation into the glory of the shining light of heaven. This is SO COOL!"
Lina (whispering to Naga), "Don't look at me. She's your sister."
Naga (whispering back), "Stop reminding me."
Gaurry, posing theatrically, spotlight centering on him atop a pile of caved-in ceiling.
Amongst the detritus were arms and legs and half-covered torsos in lingerie. "OH the humanity."
he orated with all the subtlety of back bacon (or a certain toupee topped captain). "Look at the
devastation or spell hath wrought. So many poor defenceless nubile women stripped,... of their
humanity (he hastened to add). So much blood shed needlessly... Hey, where is the blood?"
*at this point, Malehelicon, Muse of bad Fanfics glides in and gives Gaurry a Silver
Mally for most pointless soliloquy
A small pebble bounced off of the swordsman's head. Lina gave him a stern look.
"They're just statues, moron."
Amelia stood one of the mannequins up. "Why would you put clothes on a statue?"
Naga put on a superior expression and dismissed such silly questions with a wave.
"Obviously this was some sort of market, and the statues were modelling the wares available.
These garments must be the standard local fashions." Naga the Serpent chuckled to herself.
"Though if these statues are to represent the average woman of this place, Lina is even farther
below average thaAIIIEEEE!"
Lina shook sparks off of her fingers as Naga landed in a strange, odd-smelling booth
labelled `Starbucks'.
"You two cut that out." Gaurry admonished. "That's what got us into this mess in the first
place."
"Now just wait a minute! It was Amelia's spell that-" Lina began to object, but was cut
off by the sound of an approaching vehicle. She and Gaurry quickly ducked for cover. Amelia,
oblivious to everything, continued to explore the wreckage for `typical clothing' to try on.
"Say guys, I'm going to try some of this stuff on, okay." Amelia stated as she ducked into
a secluded corner. "Call me if you need anything."
Lina nodded without really paying attention and continued to watch the vehicle approach.
The truck pulled up across the street from them, and disgorged a dozen uniformed workers. One
worker set up barricades. The others leaned on shovels and had lunch.
"How did that thing move without horses to pull it?" Gaurry scratched his head.
"It's obviously a magically powered vehicle of some kind. Do I have to explain
EVERYTHING to you?" Lina grabbed his shirt front and whispered forcefully at him.
As the two continued to observe, activity returned to the city's streets. People of all ages
and descriptions began bustling around about their business. A group of uniformed young
people about Lina's age sauntered, chatting amongst themselves, past the work crew. The girls
among them received cat-calls and wolf-whistles.
"One again, Gold-fish-faeces was wrong (thank the gods).", as Lina imagines herself
walking around in one of Those outfits.
As if on cue, "So? Do I look cute or what?".
*announcers voice* 'Amelia is modelling one of our finest models from the fall line of Victoria
Secret? What's her secret? Well, whatever it is, she's not hiding it on her person. Please note the
amount of exposed cleavage and the G-string panties.
Gaurry notes both.... and.... bleeding lightly from the nose..... mumbled about the cruelty
of nature.
Lina was very shocked to note how GOOD Amelia looked in the lacy pink nothing. Ok.
Time for a reality dose (and revenge). Beckoning the model, "Amelia. I hate to break this to you
but,.... look here."
After receiving a good dose of what the populous is sporting in terms of current fashion
(and after turning redder than the outfit she was wearing) Amelia gave off a strangled squeal and
dashed off to the shadows.
"My my, Lina. We are being cruel today." Naga said, brushing the Mocha-mocha-frappachino
out of her hair. "Well now that we know what they're wearing here, let us disguise
ourselves in the native's garb. Lina, there's a store with little girl's clothes overAaaaaaieeee!!"
Eventually, the dust cleared and the intrepid band of misfits wandered out onto the
streets dressed, passably well in standard school uniforms (though Gaurry's was a bit small and
Naga's was a bit tight). Probably the only flaw to the entire ensemble was that they were carrying
their swords openly.
"Now what do we do?"
------------------------------
Meanwhile at NERV HQ
------------------------------
"SHINJIII! Are you peeking!?" Asuka's voice shook the walls in the change room.
"No, Asuka." Shinji replied glumly, focussing more closely on his task.
"Well why the hell not?"
With a start, Shinji snapped awake from his daydream. He rubbed the sore side of his
face where Asuka had just slapped him for supposed peeking.
"You WERE peeking, weren't you?" Asuka, wrapped in a towel, stood astride Shinji's
prone form.
"No no, I swear! I just wanted to know when you and Rei were going to be finished in
there!" The third child clapped his hands over his eyes.
Asuka, realizing why he just covered his eyes, fumed again, and began kicking him.
"You little pervert! Taking advantage of a sweet, helpless young woman!" She indignantly
kicked him one more time for good measure, and stomped over to the girl's side of the locker
room.
Shinji tentatively peeked out from between his fingers, only to spot Rei coming out of the
shower, naked as the day she was, uh, `born'. The blue-haired girl just looked at him for a long
moment, and walked away silently.
Shinji groaned and pulled himself off the floor and headed for the shower. "I hate my
life."
------------------------------
In a mysterious, darkened room...
------------------------------
"...so you see, ever since the twenty-seventh Angel attack, sales of Eva breakfast cereal
are up forty-two percent." A nondescript young man in a very cheap suit pointed at an
illuminated graphic of a mountain range.
He stood in a blackened room before a group of the world's most powerful men. Men
who were only illuminated by coloured spotlights shining from their desks.
One man smiled over his steepled fingers. "Eeexcellent. Sadly, you now know so much
you are a risk to us, and so must be eliminated. Smithers, remove him."
Smithers, not important enough to merit a desk and colour of his own (if he'd acquired
one, he'd probably demand pink and that colour was already taken) used his pocket pen-light to
illuminate his face. "Yes Mr. Burns."
A small square hole opened up beneath the young executive, dropping him, screaming,
out of sight.
Back to Burns, "Now, Commander Ikari, what have you to report from the scriptwriters
revisions of the dead sea scrolls."
"Well," he replied, "Due to our continual budget cutbacks, we've had to downgrade our
staff from 20 professional writers to 2 hacks who've written bad fanfics over the web."
"Do they work cheap?"
"They work for peanuts. Also, ramen and doughnuts. Beer helps."
"Excellent."
"You know, Burnsie" comments one of the other, "you say 'excellent' a whole lot."
Another one comments, "You talk to much! No EVA for you! YOU get out!"
"And what do you have to say Mr. Hat?"
"You DIE! You DIE and go ta HELL!"
"Have you been drinking again Mr. Garrison?"
"Who's talking at the moment?"
"I've lost track."
"Well, I guess we should go to a different scene, Then."
------------------------------
Well, that was a waste of time...
------------------------------
"THIS IS SO COOL!!" Amelia couldn't contain herself amongst the wonders of this
strange world. Dashing from shop window to shop window like a spastic pinball on speed, she
was erupting with high-pitched glee. Lina and the others were attempting to stop their stomachs
from erupting while watching her.
"MUST you do that?" Naga scolded, hands on hips. She stopped quickly after noticing
this put undue stress on her already over-tight blouse.
The four companions had been wandering around the strange city for hours and had
made their way to another, less-destroyed marketplace. They had found the locals called these
places `mauls', and the press of the crowds suggested why. Despite their native garb, they still
seemed to attract undue attention. All were at a loss to explain why.
"Why is everyone staring at us?" Gaurry asked, brandishing his sword at a woman poised
to rush past him into a place called `Versace of Tokyo-3'.
"Umm." Lina, who had been wearing a worried expression for several minutes, tugged
on Amelia's sleeve. "Have you noticed that nobody around here but the city guards is carrying
weapons openly?"
Amelia looked at Lina, Then looked at Gaurry. Her eyes grew wide. "Uh-oh."
"DELINQUENTS!!!"
(yes, it is her)
Naga was the first to turn to the strange young voice, but didn't see anyone looking at
them.
"Down here, you naughty, naughty person!" The voice was effervescent and... cute (if
not overly annoying).
Naga looked down, and the other three came over to see what the commotion was.
Standing in front of them was a cute, brown-haired girl. She couldn't have been more than 8
years old, and she was wearing a light yellow dress with a white sash. The sash read `Truancy
Officer'.
"Who the heck are you, little girl?" Lina asked with some degree of arrogance,
confidence buoyed by her `physical advantage' over the pre-pubescent girl.
Puffing herself up as much as possible, the young child said, "I am Miss Hinako, truancy
officer of Tokyo-3. And YOU are skipping school, delinquent!"
"But we're not studenmphplrmph.....!" Naga silenced Gaurry with her hand over his
mouth.
"That's right. That's right. We're students. Yup. Just your everyday, plain, old, average ,
run-of-the-mill students."
"Hrmph. I knew it. Students playing hooky. Just because your city gets periodically
destroyed, you think that that's an excuse for missing a school day. Well, you are sorely
mistaken, young lady."
Maniacal laughter rang around the mall as Naga expressed her deep amusement at this
idea, "ME? Young? Well look who's talking. You're not even ready for your first training bra yet.
Even Lina's tiny pea pods are years ahead of....."
"NAGA!" Lina, fists clenched, stomped towards Naga.
Gaurry, in an aside to Amelia, "I hope you have another one of Those 'teleports' ready."
Hinako interjected, "You ARE delinquents! I knew it." Aiming a small coin at Lina she
yelled, "Happo-5-yen-satsu!"
At the utterance of these words, a glowing yellow light is sucked from Lina's body
through the 5 yen piece and into the now rapidly maturing Hinako.
Lina, looking wan and drained, crumples to a heap on the ground, a look of shock and
disbelief on her face. "Her- Her breasts are so big now! How is that possible!?"
Naga, fearing for her own safety, manages to bite back a snappy comment. Gaurry, not
quite as wisely, approaches the now-adult Hinako. <pokepoke> "Are Those real?"
WHOP.
Hinako casually tossed aside the now-shattered wooden mallet. "Now that you
delinquents have been disciplined, it's time for you to go to school." Grabbing the helpless Lina
and unconscious Gaurry by their collars, she dragged them away. Naga and Amelia had no
choice but to follow them.
As they disappear in the distance, two voices drifted back. "Teach me how to do that."
"No."
"PLEEEASE?"
"No."
"I'll teach you the Dragon Slave in return."
"No."
------------------------------
Well, that was a waste of time...
------------------------------
A spectacled, mousey-haired boy lounged at his desk, half-heartedly playing with a
scale-model Tank. "So, Toji, did you here we're getting four new students today?"
"Again? Geez, Kensuke, that seems like a fruitless inclusion of new characters into a
dying series in hopes of boosting ratings. Didn't anyone learn anything from The Cosby Show?"
The larger boy ran a hand disgustedly through his crew-cut.
Shinji looked up from his desk. "You're just upset that you haven't been featured in any
episodes since that bad Nike promo in the fourth season."
[Flashback to Eva-03 dashing over mountains and through valleys, finally skidding to a
halt just in front of Tokyo-3. The camera freezes, showing 03 wearing Tractor-trailer sized Air
Jordans. Voice over: Just do it. Camera resumes, showing swoosh-shaped AT field.]
Shinji shudders.
Toji, desiring to balance his shot ego by deflating Shinji's (hrmph, now that'll be hard)
snaps back, "OH yeah? What about your Mountain Dew stint."
[Flashback to Eva-01 falling out of the Eva sky-carrier with a bungee cord and a tanker
of Mountain dew clenched in it's hand (random yelling, screaming and cheering in the
background).]
Shinji, frowning retorted. "Yeah, well. At least our spots were better than Asuka's."
"SHINJI! DON'T YOU EVER MENTION THAT SPOT AGAIN" Could sweet, innocent
Asuka have been eavesdropping on the conversation?
[Flashback to Asuka in an insertion plug, looking solemnly at the camera. "Sometimes, in
my insertion plug, just feels,.... you know,.... not so fresh. That's why I use...."]
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Shinji desperately tried to loose himself from Asuka's
stranglehold.
"Stop apologizing or I'll remind you of Rei's Microsoft add!"
<the entire class visibly shuddered>
"Ok. Enough you two, sensei's coming back with the new students."
The class quieted down to hear the first of the 4 new students introduce themselves.
"Hello. My name is Gaurry Gabriev."
_______________
Fin
_______________