Jason Liao <jliao@phoenix.Princeton.EDU> wrote:
Mostly, though, I wrote it because I'm trying to warm up again. After
all, I think the last thing I wrote was Cursed, back last September.
As such, I'd like a few comments , amongst anything else, would answer
a few questions. Should I add more to fight scenes, or keep them brief
and to the point (as I tried to do above)? How did the line with Ukyou
I don't think you need longer fight scenes, but this one could be better
done, IMO. The first half of this has a distant feel, kinda like we're
being given a summary of the action rather than shown it. For example:
Most surprising to Akane was Kenji's attitude towards Genma. From
Ukyou's tale of her past, Akane would have understood anger, threats,
bluster, or at least a demand for recompense. If she expected anything,
it was not Kenji's grin, nor one to be reciprocated by Genma.
There's not a lot of sensory detail here, and what's worse, we get told
Akane's reaction *before* we see what inspired it. This really makes me
feel as if I'm detached from the action. Try to put in more sensory
detail -- sights, sounds, etc. -- and keep things as linear as you can
during important action scenes.
snapping strike you? Would you consider this an explorable story? (Not
Ukyo was a little extreme but not unbelievable. It might help to get
into her head more, show more of her thoughts and feelings. This could
be good to continue, if you have somewhere in mind to go with it.
Oh, and as for Ukyou's father's name? I just made up something random.
Be prepared for lots of South Park references. :)
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html