Hi!
Some comments on this - my opinions only, of course. :)
Jason Liao wrote:
[fic snipped]
Very nice story. I can't say that I've seen it before.
I'll just point out the exploding Ukyo line which, while it's extremely funny,
probably needs rewriting. :)
As you can see, not weird at all. Making the story focus Ukyou as Ranma's
cousin is something that I don't recall having been done before, though.
Cousins, and a few other fics have Shampoo as Ranma's cousin, but I find
that highly unlikely, given the animosity many Chinese have for the
Japanese, and the remote location of the Amazon tribe.
It would be more likely for a Japanese national to have this relationship,
wouldn't it? So, why the focus on Shampoo?
I suppose it's one way of removing Shampoo from the fiancee stakes without
killing her. :)
I also tried to make Ukyou rail against her fate, as most of these
'Cousins fics' don't seem to add a new dimension to the story, only remove
a fiancee from the race. By keeping Ukyou as a contender, it adds another
potential venue for conflict. Well, making her slightly gone mad does
that too, but still...
Yay! I wouldn't mind seeing more stories of Crazy Ukyo. If you can keep the
Ranma zaniness in the story, it'd be something special.
Mostly, though, I wrote it because I'm trying to warm up again. After
all, I think the last thing I wrote was Cursed, back last September.
As such, I'd like a few comments , amongst anything else, would answer
a few questions. Should I add more to fight scenes, or keep them brief
and to the point (as I tried to do above)? How did the line with Ukyou
snapping strike you? Would you consider this an explorable story? (Not
that I'm saying tha tI'll continue it, of course, since it's something
that would have to focus on character interactions, a particular weak
point of mine. Perhaps I'll do it as practice...) Do you think
everyone's dialouge sounds the same(and how would you recommend I change
it)?
Hmm. It strikes me as pretty in character so far. You might want to explain why
one of the brothers changed their name upon marrying in the expansion. I think
fight scenes would mostly detract from the character relationships plot focus.
Keep it clean and simple, IMO. Maybe a bit more on Ukyo's thoughts.
Oh, and as for Ukyou's father's name? I just made up something random.
Maybe some sort of -ma name for Kounji-san to match Genma and Ranma. Oh, and
here's a bit that struck me after I read the story:
"But, Ranchan, just think about it! By joining our two family lines we could
produce perfect Martial Artist Okonomiyaki Chef offspring!"
Phil.
-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.
One look at his face and I knew that I had been betrayed. "Tell me,"
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao," he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...
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