Jamie and Bridget Wilde wrote:
Shunsuke wrote:
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Cold Depths
A Tenchi Muyou! shortfic
by Shunsuke -|||
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The cold depths of space have become my home.
With only Ryo-Ohki at my side, my lonely existance does not
^^^^^^^^^ "existence"
<sound of head thwacking on computer desktop>
That's what I get for writing in a hurry. Bad author! Bad!
FFML Populous: "Hypocrite! Tell *us* how to write, will you?"
trouble me anymore. Silence, distance, and fond memory are
all I need anymore.
The second "anymore" is repetitive. Maybe use "now"?
Saw it an "oh-no"-second after I posted the thing. (Y'know,
that fraction of a second it takes to realize something and
say "OH NO!")
<snip of story and sundry errors pointed out>
Ryoko...she just gave me a painful smile. One last time, I
touched her belly and the child she carried.
I will admit, I pictured it as Ryoko all this time... :)
Yup, misdirection is fun. Someone wondered why I gave it away
this early; my reason was that I wanted people to read the rest
thinking "no, not her..." while she brutally kills the bad
guys.
Cold depths are more than the vacuum of space. <mweh heh heh>
Well, I liked this very much. My only suggestion (other than the ones
Yup yup yup, too many errors, too hastily posted.
Tough. ^_^
noted above :)) is that you give some indication of how Ayeka was
killed, and why Jurai is not condoning Sasami hunting down her assassins
Wellll...I figured the detail of why wasn't important (why
Mark David Chapman killed John Lennon?) and as for Jurai's
approval or disapproval, well it's...okay, I didn't have an
idea, I just ignored details and used a device to get to
where I wanted to go. ^_^
- one would think they would approve of the killers of their royal
princess being punished. Maybe if you indicate that Nagi is trying to
bring the assassins back to Jurai for a trial, and Sasami refuses to let
them off that easy? Also, I'm not sure how Tenchi ended up on the
throne of Jurai when married to Ryoko; it may just be that I haven't
seen enough TM.
BIG point I forgot to include, the generally accepted (?)
idea that Tenchi marries both Ryoko and Ayeka. (oops!)
In any case, you do a good job of balancing the obvious angst of the
situation with a writing style that keeps the drama from becoming
overblown; you could easily have sunk to the depths of melodrama, and
didn't.
Uh, how *does* an author write melodrama? ^_^ I know it when
I see it, I just can't do it...thankfully.
Keep writing!
Much obliged, I plan to. Got some inspiration this
weekend, hoping to finish something today.
Ta,
Shunsuke
---
Buddhist A: "Do you believe in reincarnation?"
Buddhist B: "Not you again!"