Two Salarymen
by Lara and Sleet
[Tokyo, 2015]
The building towered over the rest of the city. Its reflective
glass and steel skin twinkled even in the early evening lights
as the sun finally dipped beneath the horizon. In contrast to
the building's stature, there was an almost miniscule sign over
the main doors that read 'Studio MicroNax.'
Two men left the building, their suits rumpled, their faces
showing the toll of their daily efforts.
"I need a drink."
"Let's go."
- [In a small bar a block away from Studio MicroNax about two
hours later] -
"And then... then the giant robot would kill the alien, and the
kid would... would..."
Kozo steadied his friend on the bar stool. "Then what, Gendo?"
"The kid would go through this big, long..." Gendo waved his
hands in the air, spilling beer all over. "Moment of... What's
the word? You know, when you see everything in a moment of
clarity and realization?"
Putting his head in his hand and resting it on the bar, Kozo
answered dully, "Apocrypha?"
"No, no... Something else... apocalypse or something... But
that doesn't matter. Then at the end, everyone's there and
they're happy, and the kid's happy. The end." Gendo sat there,
looking very proud of himself.
"The idea's not bad, but that ending is about the lamest thing
I've ever heard. You've had enough. And the kid... His name
wouldn't happen to be Gendo, would it?"
Gendo made an offended noise. "Noooo. That's just... stupid."
"Right. I think it's time to go before I have to carry you.
Come on."
***
"Another day, another yen."
Gendo grunted, his tinted glasses hiding his severely bloodshot
eyes.
Kozo looked over at him and grinned. "I warned you. If the
manager sees you looking like that, you'll get written up
again."
"He can go to hell."
"If you haven't noticed, we already work in hell, and he's our
boss. So that makes him..."
"Gentlemen! Nice to see you've decided to show up today! And
how is your project coming? Your deadline is..." Department
Manager Roji Kaji looked at his watch. "Today! What a
surprise!"
With a hearty slap on each man's back, Mgr. Kaji said in a
jovial and far too loud voice, "I'll be looking forward to
seeing your report on my desk this evening!"
He walked away, whistling, as Kozo and Gendo gave him dirty
looks.
"He needs to die."
Kozo nodded in agreement. "Horribly and painfully."
"Good morning, you two! Did Kaji dress you down again?"
Two hearts skipped a beat and two breaths got caught in two
throats. The men turned in unison, sheepish grins on their
faces.
"Good morning, Yui."
"Hi, Yui."
Dressed in her conservative gray jacket and mini-skirt, hat held
in one hand with her purse and another bag in her other hand.
"I can't talk long. Tours start right at 8:30." She began
walking away, giving them one last wave. "Maybe I'll see you at
lunch."
"Bye, Yui," Kozo and Gendo said together, then sighed.
The two watched her walk away, the sounds of her footfalls
seemingly the loudest thing around them.
"Have I ever told you how much I want that woman?"
"You and me both."
Gendo looked at Kozo for a second, one eyebrow arched. "I'm not
going to take that the way it just sounded."
"You need coffee and to sober up, Gendo. That was sick, even
for you."
"But you knew exactly what I meant. What does that say?"
"It means we need to get to work if we're going to meet that
deadline Kaji the Bastard set for us."
***
Kaji walked away with his trademark smirk and ponytail in place
and his 400,000 yen suit hanging on his frame perfectly.
Gendo held the pencil up and aimed the lead directly at Kaji's
back. "Ka-pow, ka-pow," he said quietly, imagining gleefully
the death of his manager.
"Damn! Here come the boss' brats!" hissed Fuyutsuki. "Quit
goofing around!"
What sounded like a herd, however small, of stampeding cattle
was audible throughout the office, and it was headed straight
for them.
Kozo steadied a stack of old ramen containers that rose above
the walls of their meager cubicle like Godzilla looming over the
city. Gendo quickly cleared off their desk space so it looked
like they were doing work, and prepared for the worst.
"Hey, Old Guys! Wanna see my new robots?"
Damn, the redhead, Gendo thought, sucking in a breath.
"Gendo, Kozo, you both know Asuka and Shinji, but I'd like you
to meet
Reiwhoisdescendedfromtheheavenlyhostsandshallonedayholdourfatein
herinnocenthands."
Gendo blinked.
"Oboy," muttered Kozo.
It was a thankfully brief encounter, and soon the children were
gone, off with their father to torture some other hapless
employees.
"What a nightmare. Why do I stay here? Why don't I find
another job?"
"Because, Gendo, you are lazy. And..."
Gendo sighed and nodded, then looked at his watch. "Hey! It's
almost 10:30!"
Kozo sat straight up in his chair and looked at Gendo. "Break
time!"
The two shot out of their cubicle and scurried to the stairs.
Stomping down them, they rushed to the water cooler that sat
just inside the doorway next to the elevator.
Gendo grabbed a cup and filled it with water, then passed it
Kozo.
Kozo made an immediate show of drinking the water, keeping his
eyes glued firmly on the elevator doors.
The ding of a car arriving at the floor caused them both to
hunker down a bit and watch.
The doors opened and out stepped Yui, her back to them. She was
speaking to a sizable group of visitors that all wanted to know
the secrets of Studio MicroNax.
They watched her, enraptured. The world around them ceased to
exist as all their attention was directed at Yui.
She walked past their observation point at a steady pace,
talking and pointing. The people listened to her intently,
obviously finding it the most involving thing in the world.
Gendo and Kozo couldn't blame them.
After she had gone down the hall, moved on with her tour, each
man slumped against the wall.
"Gendo, our lives suck."
"No kidding."
"Hey, Old Guys!"
"Damn it," Kozo said under his breath."
Asuka had found two of her favorite toys. "I just beat up my
brother for this..." But when they didn't give her the
requisite attention, she followed the glazed eyes. "Hey, what
are you two old perverts looking at? If I tell my dad, Director
Lorenz, your _boss_, your asses are _so_ fired! Why I
oughtta..."
Snapping back to attention, staring at the girl in front of
them, waving some toy around like it was a bomb, the two looked
at one another.
Kozo nodded almost imperceptibly, and as one, they grasped the
shouting girl by her arms and marched her into a nearby
lavatory.
"Hey! This is a boys' bathroom! What do you two perverts think
you're doing! Put me down!" Asuka screeched.
She was ignored by everyone else, all nodding their heads as the
little witch got what she deserved.
There was faint screeching then momentary silence. This peace
was shattered by a voice that was loud enough to be heard
throughout the entire floor.
"YOU ASSHOLES!"
Gendo and Kozo exited the bathroom looking like two grim
warriors.
"_Now_ our lives suck."
***
After fleeing work, somehow avoiding the wrath of Lorenz and his
monstrous children, the two chatted idly at the bar, sipping a
beer each.
"We should be in charge, making the decisions," Gendo said,
staring up at the television, not really watching it. " First
thing I'd do is send that weasel Kaji to some other country.
Then I'd..."
"Yui..."
Gendo grinned lazily, the daydream occupying more and more of
his mind. "Yeah. I'd marry Yui and she'd be my assistant. And
I'd tell Lorenz off every chance I got, but not real overtly.
Just subtly enough so that he knew I was doing it, but just so
it he..."
"This is all well and good, Gendo, but... none of this will ever
happen."
Gendo sighed. "You're right, Kozo, my friend. We should just
learn to--what the devil is that!?"
"What? Where?" Kozo asked, looking around, then up at the
television. He saw the movement out of the corner of his eye,
but kept his attention on the TV. "Gendo, if you just took my
last squid-on-a-stick, I'll kill you with my bare hands."
"No, really," Gendo said emphatically, chewing on something.
"Look at the TV!"
/"...iant alien carcass of unknown origin, our own Ritsuko
Akagi..."/
"Hey, she's not bad looking. Wouldn't mind doing her."
"Gendo, you wouldn't mind 'doing' anyone as long as they were a
woman. Besides, haven't you read the tabloids? They say she's
shacking up with that model for Fujitaka's. Whatshername,
Ibuki, or something."
Gendo snorted. "No way she's a lesbian. Why would someone who
looks like that," he said and pointed at the image of reporter
Akagi Ritsuko, "be sleeping with a department store model when
there's so many available men in the world?"
"Yui, remember Yui," Kozo said seriously, then stopped. He
blinked, then changed his tune. "Or not. You go after the
reporter, Gendo. Knock yourself out. I know Yui will be able
to appreciate..." He straightened his jacket and sat up. "A
more mature man."
Gendo just snorted, picking his teeth with the leftover stick.
"Dream on, old man."
"You're not exactly a spring chicken, Gendo. Why would _you_
have a better chance than I would?"
"Hey, you know what I heard about our ace inspector and his
little assistant?" Gendo asked suddenly, ignoring his friend's
question.
Kozo blinked. "You mean Shigeru and that Makoto kid? What?"
Gendo just grinned and chuckled to himself.
"You're lying, Gendo. You're just jealous that they're always
working with that brass-balled Katsuragi woman."
Gendo smiled a little. "Ahh, Captain Katsuragi... Now there's
a woman with a good head on her shoulders." He took a drink
from his glass of (moderately) cheap beer.
"And," Kozo continued, "according to our esteemed manager, Ryoji
Kaji, it's a very _good_ head indeed!"
Kozo slapped Gendo on the back roughly as the other man choked
and coughed at the comment. "Didn't catch you by surprise, did
I?"
Wiping his mouth, Gendo shook his head. "What would she see in
that little boot-licker anyway? What would anyone see in him?"
Kozo shrugged. "I don't know exactly, but enough that the
entire secretary pool is trying to get into his pants."
"Why don't women like smart guys, Kozo?"
"I don't know. When we find a couple of smart guys, maybe we
can ask them."
The two sighed forlornly at the same time.
"Yui..." they both said with longing in their voices.
***
"Mr. Kaji, I was wondering... if..."
"What is it, Rokubungi? And where did you get that stupid
name?" Kaji asked with a sneer.
Gendo's eyes glazed over. He pulled a large handgun from where
it was tucked in the back of his pants. He pointed at his
manager's forehead and pulled the trigger, shooting the one
person he hated most right between the eyes.
"And where did you get that stupid hole in your head?" he
muttered darkly as he watched the body collapse to the floor.
"Rokubungi!" Kaji snapped his fingers in Gendo's face. "I'm
talking to you! No wonder you're always behind schedule."
***
"I have _got_ to get out of this office, Kozo. That man is
driving me insane!"
Kozo groaned. "Go back to sleep, Gendo. We've only got a few
hours before we need to get up and hide our sleeping bags; we
can't miss another deadline this quarter."
Gendo was still grumbling. "As if getting dressed down by
Lorenz wasn't enough. He just _had_ to have his little minions
there to watch."
In the darkness, Kozo smiled up at the ceiling. "Yes, what you
wouldn't give to have them under _your_ thumb, eh?"
"Oh, yes. They would all have to answer to me, cowering at my
might."
"Even me?"
"Well, yeah," Gendo said apologetically, "but you'd be my
second-in-command. And no one could stand up to us! Not Kaji,
not Lorenz... Not even the government!"
"That sounds like world domination, Gendo."
"Hmm. Maybe it is."
***
"Let's do it, Kozo!"
"What? World domination? And how would we do that?"
"Umm..."
Kozo sighed. "Keep scrubbing, Gendo. These toilets won't get
clean by themselves."
"Damn Lorenz's little harpy child," Gendo swore, taking brush to
porcelain.
"Don't they have janitorial staff for this? Christ, no wonder
we miss deadlines. I'M SCRUBBING A FUCKING TOILET!"
"Kozo, I never knew you had a mouth like that."
"Shut up, Rokubungi."
***
"It. Could. Work!"
Kozo stared at Gendo over the lip of his beer mug as he took a
long drink. He set the mug down gently. "Are you CRAZY? Quit
our jobs, move to the country, and unearth your grandfather's
research of 'aliens' and robotics, all just to turn the heads of
the women we lust after but could never get into bed with?"
"You know, when you put it like that, it does sound stupid.
Here, help me tear up this title for the mansion. What was I
thinking?"
"Have more beer."
***
Both Gendo and Kozo looked bright and alert as Director Lorenz
marched toward their cubicle with his two children and Kaji in
tow. "Rokubungi, Fuyutsuki," he greeted. "Watch my kids for
the day. Don't get into any trouble."
Gendo swallowed heavily as two innocent, angelic faces looked
his way. "We're toast," he whispered to Kozo. And Kaji looked
so smug, he just wanted to...
"That kid's a poofter!" Kozo whispered in response, sweat
beginning to trickle down his face.
"No way am I going to put up with that little she-devil. One of
us would be dead before the coffee was done perking."
Together, they said aloud, "We'd be delighted! Our pleasure,
sir!"
The malicious smile on Kaji's face grew.
"Good. Rokubungi, you're with Asuka. Fuyutsuki, I know
Shinji's been interested in your work. Show him the ropes."
They both nodded firmly.
"His eyes just lit up; I'm dead, Gendo," Kozo whispered. "Dead
dead dead."
"At least he likes you. That girl is more likely to stab me in
the leg with a pen than anything. And I was supposed to meet
with Yui for lunch..."
Kozo gave him a disbelieving look. "You were not."
"Well, okay, I was going to sit and watch her from across the
cafeteria. Close enough. But not with that little... Yes,
we'll be sure to take good care of them, sir! ...bitch hanging
on me all day."
The two downtrodden salarymen watched their bosses walk off,
then at the two children eyeing them like pieces of meat.
Comparing the expression of cherubic adulation that Shinji wore
to the sneer of sadistic glee, almost molten in its purity, that
twisted Asuka's lips, it was difficult for Gendo to believe that
they had sprung from the same loins. In fact, looking at their
obese, amphibian father, the word "loins" made his stomach fair
to crawl.
But he only had a second to contemplate before Asuka dragged him
away by his ear, chortling in German.
--- *** ---
"Interesting, gentlemen. You say this is based on a true
story?"
Gendo, with his black eye hidden behind his glasses, cut lip
healing, and the stab wound on his shoulder bandaged, crossed
his fingers. "Sort of, sir. Just a crazy idea of my
grandfather's. He was a little short upstairs."
Kozo, his face still pale and hands gently shaking, now with a
distinct fear of black leather, stood rock still, his eyes wide
and somewhat vacant.
"Interesting concept." Keel Lorenz nodded as he looked over the
proposal. "But this ending, with the clapping... It needs to
be more spectacular. Add more of these giant... What were
they?"
"Evangelions, sir."
"Right. Add more of those, more explosions, more people dying.
And get rid of 'Gendo' and 'Kozo' as the two in charge. Really,
gentlemen, please keep your egos in check."
"Sorry, sir."
"Other than that, you two seem to have come up with Studio
MicroNax's next Big Thing. Congratulations."
"Thank you, sir."
"And how did my children behave?"
Kozo did not move a single muscle.
"Like angels, sir," Gendo said and forced a smile. What perfect
inspiration for the creatures that would destroy mankind the
little beasts had been.
The two were excused and calmly left the office.
"I'd share a 'banzai' with you, Kozo, but I can't raise my arm;
they couldn't get the pen entirely out." Gendo looked at the
non-reaction of his friend. "Come on, we can go take Yui out."
Still no reaction.
"Okay. _I_ can go take Yui out." With a sharp slap on Kozo's
back, Gendo hurried off. If he played his cards right, he could
probably even score sympathy points. Maybe even, dare he hope,
a pity lay...
[END]
This is kind of a non-April Fool's fool. Sort of Gendo and Fuyutsuki's
April Fool's joke on the anime world... Hope you enjoyed.