I just wanted to say that had I not become the father of a young girl, I
would have absolutely nothing to do with Sailor Moon; the anime, the
manga, the merchandise, and certainly not the fanfiction. Was there ever
such
misery as a man with TWO daughters?! (I know, a man with THREE
daughters...)
-- Attached file included as plaintext by Listar --
-- File: Misdirection.txt
* * *
The jagged peaks of black basalt that made up Transantarctic Mountains
lay cold and dark against smothering plains of ice and snow. Here the arid,
freezing wind blew drifts of fine shards of stinging ice across limitless
expanses of frozen waste. Here, nothing lived unassisted for long.
It was in this desolate place that Serena and the rest of the Sailor
Scouts materialized.
Amy was the first to tremble with cold, her short blue skirt blowing
up in the wind, and making her regret once again her decision to discover
what was so great about thong underwear. Her perfect white teeth began to
clatter until she bit down on her lip to stop them.
Rei and Mina joined in with their own chattering teeth as they spun
in all directions for a sign of shelter.
"I don't see any entrance to the Negaverse around here!" Lita groused.
Being the tallest of the Scouts, she had the longest legs, and therefore
the most surface area of skin exposed to the elements.
"Whose big idea was it to come here, anyway?" Serena complained
bitterly. "I mean it's supposed to be freezing at the North Pole, and here
we are in our miniskirts!"
The other four Scouts cast disparaging looks towards their erstwhile
leader.
"I believe YOU came up with this idea, Meatball Head..." Rei said
tersely.
In light of this harsh truth, the other Scouts were loathe to break
up the inevitable Rei-Serena fight...
Amy was already ignoring the sharp catty hisses of the two Scouts
in favor of finding a way out of their predicament. In her opinion, her
sensors should be capable of pinpointing the dimensional portal that
linked the Negaverse with the Earth, and then they could get on with the
business of telling Queen Beryl to stick her plans of domination where
there was no direct dialling.
As expected, her sensors told her exactly where the portal was.
Unfortunately for them, they were a long, long, way from it.
"Um, guys?" she broached quietly, and was ignored in favor of the
sounds of Serena struggling in a headlock - courtesy of Rei.
"Hey, everyone...?"
Serena made a few choking noises. No one seemed to object; in fact,
there were more than a few cheers of encouragement for Rei to finish the
job.
Amy was now pissed.
"STOP THAT AND LISTEN TO ME!!!"
The other four Scouts stood as still and silent as statues.
Amy shook herself, though whether this was from the cold or from
inner catharsis, was not readily apparent.
"We have a problem," she said to them.
"No kidding," Rei shot back. Having Serena close to her was keeping
her somewhat warm, and even though the blonde-haired Moon Princess was
in a chokehold, Rei was loathe to let her go.
"No, I mean a *real* problem," Amy continued. Serena managed a
tiny whimper in reply.
"Let her loose," Mina advised Rei. Rei reluctantly did so, letting
Serena drop to the snow in a heap.
"So what's the problem, Amy?" Lita asked.
"We're waaaayyy off course," Amy replied. She pointed to the dark
mountains at their backs. "There are no mountains at the North Pole, so
unless I miss my guess, we're in Antarctica."
"WHAT?!" Rei cried. She looked down at the whimpering Serena and
felt her blood boil once again.
"We're on the opposite side of the planet from where we need to be,"
Amy supplied glumly.
Rei cracked her knuckles.
"SERENA!"
The Moon Princess looked up, frozen tears streaking her face.
"I'm sorry, guys," she moaned. "I don't know what happened."
"Sorry doesn't get us out of this mess!" Rei barked in reply.
"That's enough," Mina said, placing a firm hand on the fiery Rei's
shoulder. "Fighting each other isn't going to solve anything."
"No, but it'll sure make me feel better!" Rei riposted.
"Isn't there some way we can teleport to where we need to be?" Lita
asked, desperate both for a way to defuse Rei's time-bomb temper as well
as a way to escape the frigid wastes that surrounded them.
"I don't think so," Serena said quietly. "I don't even know how
we managed to do it in the first place. We all just got caught up in
the moment, and it happened."
"Well that's just great," Rei muttered angrily. "Now what are we
supposed to do?"
The sound of a gunshot echoed through the crisp dry air, cutting
off any reply. A second gunshot sounded, followed by the rhythmic
thrumming of a helicopter in the distance.
The Scouts scanned the sky in the direction of the sounds. A black
Bell 212 Jetranger helicopter equipped with floats scooted across the
cloudy white sky at low altitude. Painted in stark white letters on the
tail was the word "NORGE," as well as some characters that looked strange
even to the Japanese-born Scouts. It turned suddenly, as if in pursuit of
something, and started towards them.
"What's going on?" Lita asked aloud.
"Who cares!" Serena cried. "We're saved!" She begna waving her arms
frantically for attention.
The helicopter continued its pursuit, and as it drew near they could
see that its quarry was a handsome dog of Husky breed. A man armed with a
H&K G-3 automatic rifle leaned out of an open door on the left side of
the helicopter, and began firing with methodical patience at the dog.
White plumes of ice crystals erupted around the animal as the bullets
sought in vain to end its life.
"What the hell is this?" Rei protested.
"WAAAAHHH!" Serena wailed. "Shooting at a dog! No fair!"
"What kind of monsters would do such a thing?" Amy cried in horror.
"Negacreeps, if you ask me!" Mina replied.
"That does it!" Lita growled. She powered up for a lightning blast.
"JUPITER THUNDER - CRASH!!!"
The bolt of lightning arced out across the ice plain to strike the
helicopter squarely in the cockpit. Being a thing made of very fragile
components, and filled with highly flammable jet fuel and hydraulic
fluids, it promptly exploded in a brilliant fireball, and rained flaming
debris down upon the ice.
"All right!" Serena cheered. "Way to go, Lita!"
"Fire..." Rei muttered as the wreckage fell to earth. "Heat...
Warmth..." She started towards the flames, and the others followed.
The helicopter burned cheerfully for them, its heat delicious and
invigorating to the half-frozen Sailor Scouts. The Husky was not a shy
dog, and quickly made a friend of Lita.
"You're a good dog," she said to it, scratching it affectionately
behind the ears. "No one's going to hurt you now."
"Wonderful," Rei said to Serena, snickering. "The next thing you
know, she's going to say that dog reminds her of a dog an old boyfriend
once had..."
Serena guffawed in agreement.
"You're a pretty dog," Lita gushed. "You remind me of my boyfriend's
dog." She did not understand why the others were suddenly laughing so
hard.
"Looks like you've made a friend, Lita," Serena said to her.
Amy had by now managed to tune her sensors sufficiently enough to
detect sources of energy and she pointed out to them that there was
something with an electrical generator only a few miles from where they
stood.
"A research station, perhaps?" Mina asked her.
"Most likely," Amy replied. "In any case, they'll have food, shelter
and a radio. We can get our bearings and see if we can't find a way to
teleport to the Negaverse Portal like we intended to do."
"Sounds good to me! Serena replied, her confidence restored. "Lead
the way, Amy."
The Sailor Scouts began their journey towards civilization, and the
friendly dog followed eagerly at Lita's side...
__________________________________________________________________________
On this First day of April, in the 2000th year of the Common Era,
J. Austin Wilde and Fission Park Press proudly present:
SAILOR MOON vs. THE THING
A Not Only No, But Hell No! Production
__________________________________________________________________________
And now, an important "Sailor Says,"
brought to you by DiC in order to fill the void in
your childrens' upbringing that you the parents
should be taking care of yourselves...
WHEEL OF MORALITY,
TURN TURN TURN...
TELL US THE LESSON
MOON SHOULD LEARN...
[SAILOR MOON appears, standing next to THE WHEEL OF MORALITY. With her is
a large HUSKY DOG, who sits patiently at her side.]
SAILOR MOON: It's important to know that while dogs make for wonderful pets,
dogs you don't know can be dangerous.
[The HUSKY DOG whines pathetically.]
SAILOR MOON: Sure, he looks harmless and friendly, but you never know when
that dog could turn into a murderous shape-shifting doppleganger bent on
world genocide.
[The HUSKY DOG suddenly turns into a murderous shape-shifting doppleganger
bent on world genocide.]
SAILOR MOON: [Sweatdrop] See what I mean?
[SAILOR MOON begins doing battle, albeit not very effectively, with THE THING.]
SAILOR MOON: Sailor Moon Says!!!
THE END?