Hi David,
This has an intriguing premise (so far as I can tell) but you need to
do a bit of expanding, revising, and (I think) historical research
before this really flies.
Now, I get a distinct impression that this is a WWII transplant of the
NGE characters. That I'm not sure is a sign you need to change
something. A general rule with fanfics is that you should make sure
that anything outside the premise of the original series is pretty
clear to a new reader. Fixing this won't actually take too much of an
effort. Little hints like making it clear that the twin-engine plane
has props instead of jets will help, and so will a couple of
references to the still-intact Empire, Prime Minister Konoe, etc.,
etc. You also *must* clarify what part of the war you're in. Are the
Japanese on their heels or are they currently pressing forward?
Furthermore, you have to make these things generally clear in the
first part. First, the disorientation and unclarity of the setting
will confuse your readers and make it difficult for them to understand
the action. You don't have to show *all* your cards: I take it you've
made some changes from the original timeline of the World War. But you
do need to make it generally clear what decade you're in, what kind of
technology is around, and what's up.
Also, assuming you *do* have some alterations to history up your
sleeve, I would recommend that you think very carefully about whether
or not they are plausible. A certain degree of latitude is allowed,
but you have to hold in mind the terms of the alliance that the US
had. For a political understanding of the causes of WWII and US and
Japanese involvement, I highly recommend Akira Iriye's book _Origins
of the Second World War in Asia and the Pacific_ and Gerhard
Weinberg's book _A World at Arms_. The Weinberg book is possibly the
best WWII history ever written: astonishingly complete from every
perspective and well explained. It is, however, stupendously long. I
can offer a synopsis or two if you'd like.
I'd take out the comment about the housewives in the factories. While
that *was* true for America, it was far less than true for the
Japanese. Indeed, the Japanese failure to adapt their economy to the
requirements of modern war is a principal reason why they lost. I
would keep in Shinji's slight sexism. That cultural habit contributed
to Japanese inefficiency in war.
Bravo (historically) on the other hand for the supply flight. After a
certain part of the war, it became impossible for the Japanese to ship
any kind of supplies (another factor contributing to their economic
failure).
Basically, you're right. This part is a bit to hectic. You need to
give your readers time to adjust to the *very* different situation
you've placed Misato, Rei, and Shinji in. Having more action take
place in this part would also help. Allowing the storyline and
characters to develop a bit more (since you are making some changes)
would make Shinji's danger at the end of the section a bit more
compelling. I'd recommend adding in a bit about how he got to the
airbase in the first place, what manner of summons he was given, etc.
I might also have some more conversation in the plane, where Shinji
explains a little of his past. Certainly, I would have Shinji react to
the "robbing the cradle" comment or Misato's response to it.
Overall, a good premise, you just need to expand this section a little
bit to make it somewhat more clear what's going on. I look forward to
further installments and rewrites.
Sparky
*********
"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent."--Isaac Asimov
Access Sparky's fanfiction, links galore, and all kinds of heresy
at Heaven's Gate!
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