I'm responding to something the same day as it was released? What are
the odds?
"Geez! If it's bothering both of you this much then don't go!"
Megumi said, tearing open a packet of instant ramen flavoring.
"What could possibly --" Skuld started.
"-- Be bothering me? Nothing's bothering me," Keiichi finished.
The whole morning exchange was wonderful. Even without prompting, I
could tell exactly what their tones and expressions probably were.
"Wish," Skuld quietly repeated.
"Wish," Keiichi sighed.
That does seem to be the crux of the matter, now isn't it?
rumors began spreading about their imminent breakup (which was odd,
considering the rumors about them began only yesterday). Heads shook
At a rumor mill like Nekomi, that's odd?
By lunchtime, however, any feelings of sympathy were replaced by
plans to console one or the other, in the hope of catching them on the
rebound. Interestingly enough, there were an equal number of
sympathizers for either member of the 'broken couple'.
Nothing to make someone desirable like them being taken by someone else
desirable.
Aoshima rubbed his chin. Perfect. After going to all the trouble
to instigate the rumors in the first place, and engineering that scene
Something tells me it wasn't that much trouble.
"Right?" she told herself. "Just a means to an end."
Do character's even ask themselves these questions without having an
abrupt change of heart?
"Could we get this thing going already?" Sayoko snapped.
Your impending change of heart bothing you, Sayoko-baby?
Keiichi drew back from the keys for a moment, perhaps wondering
what the catch was. Seeing none, he took them and mumbled back thanks
Seeing none being the operative words here.
point in the date she should be pitching carefully constructed praise
and come-ons at Keiichi already. Keiichi wasn't anything special -- he
was just like all those other guys.
She keeps telling herself that.
Sayoko watched with amusement as Aoshima struggled to find
somewhere to tear Skuld's attention away from the discussion, with
little success. She sat back and smiled. It was a date, after all; she
might as well have fun while they were at it.
One notices here that you really haven't sketched Aoshima out as more
than a shallow individual bent on aquiring school popularity. That in
and of itself would be interesting as very few characters seem to be
intentionally shallow and single minded with no deep motivations and
plans.
This wasn't going as well as Aoshima had thought it would; the
car, which was supposed to distract Keiichi, only served to fuel
whatever argument he had with Skuld; ironically, Aoshima thought, both
factors were in his plan. He never really thought they would overlap.
Or that Skuld was that knowledgeable about machines; then again, he
should have anticipated it -- she was in the Auto Club, after all.
More proof to the above observation.
Sayoko wasn't much help; in fact, he'd caught her giggling to
herself every now and then, as if she was completely unconcerned that
the campus queen crown was slipping from her -- their -- grasps. What
was wrong with her? Why wasn't she even trying to wrest Keiichi away?
And the comparison is made. One wonders if you're keeping Aoshima
shallow so that you can give Sayoko depth by comparison.
She seemed content to just watch them argue, and argue they did.
They'd argued throughout the trip, throughout the meal at that fancy
restaurant, throughout the movie, throughout the drive back -- and not
just about the car. They argued about everything -- the food, the
movie, the weather, some wish someone was supposed to make...
1st Rule of Anime, if they argue constantly, they're meant to be
together.
He snorted. "Since when did you get scruples about how you win
someone?"
"Since now." She began to walk away. "Did you see how they kept
She reminds me of Nabiki. Not Fanfic Nabiki, but the original manga
Nabiki.
The final scene with Skuld and Keiichi seemed to be good example of how
you convey description without actually saying anything. While you
didn't drag the flow down with adjectives, the flow of dialogue itself
was well able to give me a nice mental picture and idea as to how they
were sounding when they had their quarrel.
As a whole, the change between Belldandy and Skuld isn't nearly as
pronounced as it could have been. I think you've kept to the original
flavor of the series very well. I doubt anyone would actually manage to
be as careful with his wish as Keiichi is, being as it is that he's
probably thinking of it and the repercusions that would come should he
finally make it quite a bit. As for what will happen after he finally
makes it, thats also quite a topic for speculation.