C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
Yes, it has been over a month since Dave posted this part.
I live near a black hole; time dilation happens. ;)
After a way too long delay, I present for your reading enjoyment...
Hey, as long as it comes out, we're happy to wait. Why, just look
how long we've been waiting for The Prank That Wasn't 3! :)
[...]
The Accidental Goddess
A Ranma 1/2 - Aa! Megami-sama FanFiction
By
D.F. Roeder
[...]
Chapter 4 - Innocents Abroad
[...]
The scream abruptly became deafening, as the fountain's waters
erupted forth two beings. The leader was familiar to nearly all;
URD: Hah! They instantly recognize my wonderful leadership!
RANMA-SAMA: Actually, I think it just means you came out first...
suggest: The first was familiar
Skuld, Norn and Goddess of the Future, was home. The other was a
mystery; greenish complexion, bulging blue eyes, and bright red
hair. Who was this person?
PASSERBY: THAT's the Goddess of Sex?
FANBOY: Oh, yes! [drool]
PASSERBY: I meant the redhead.
FANBOY: Ew!
Skuld and her companion floated away from
the fountain and landed gently on the gray flagstones. The companion
fell to her knees, shaking. After a moment, she bent over further
and kissed the ground... many, many times.
RANMA-SAMA: Oh, YESsss! [writhe] [moan]
Skuld rolled her eyes. "Oh, COME ON, Ranma-san!! It wasn't *that*
bad!"
Ranma sat back on her shins, tiny bits of stone stuck to her lips.
"I... specialize in... aerial combat... but THIS!" She wrapped her
arms around her abdomen. "I'll never eat again. BRRRRR! All that
twistin' and turnin' and loopin'--"
RANMA-SAMA: And why am I... speaking like... William Shatner?
I assume she's catching her breath? It's not completely clear
(Maybe becuase I wouldn't expect someone to be catching their
breath *after* kissing the ground.)
[...]
Ranma rubbed her head, and Skuld looked around.
"Darn! They're not here!"
Ranma looked up, worried. "Mom? Where are they?"
"I don't know. Let's have a look around."
It sounds like Ranma's responding to Nodoka, instead of Skuld.
Ranma unsteadily got to her feet and followed Skuld out of the
courtyard and through an archway opening onto a broad mall. Ranma
boggled at the strangeness of the people.
suggest: She boggled
(Repeated sentence structure of Ranma... Ranma...)
"Who are they?"
Skuld just shrugged. "Oh, you know, gods and goddesses of Asgard, a
few mortal spirits, some deities from other pantheons on business,
et cetera." Skuld continued to scan the crowd.
SKULD: Don't worry about them. They don't even rate
capital letters like the important Gods!
"Uh... right."
"Darn!" Skuld whirled around and put her fist in Ranma's face. Ranma
leaned back in surprise. "If my sister's in trouble, I'm gonna reset
Banpei-kun's targeting to 'panda'!"
Is that fist in Ranma's face or in front of it?
RANMA-SAMA: Ow...
"Hey! Hey! No argument from me." Ranma waved her hands.
Skuld wilted and her eyes began to tear. [...]
I have a rather disturbing image of eyeballs ripping in half... ^_^;;;
[...]
Akane ran through the house, upstairs, and then into her room. She
shut the door, the broken lock rattling, and threw herself on her
She has a lock? ^_^;
AKANE: Everyone comes through the window, anyway...
[...]
The door rattled open, and Nabiki stepped into the room, shutting
the door behind her. <Need to have someone fix that,> Nabiki
thought.
suggest: squeaked open
(I'm pretty sure they don't have sliding doors on their rooms.)
[...]
The elder Tendou nodded and held out her hand. "2000 yen."
sp: Two thousand
(If it starts a sentence, spell it out.)
[...]
"NABIKI!! Don't you DARE!"
Nabiki cooly looked at her sister through half-lidded eyes. "Oh? Why
not?"
Akane sputtered, turning red. "Because... because..."
"Because *you* want him? Hmmm?"
AKANE: Yes! He's mine, all mine. Mine! Not yours, mine!
[crushes pillow in hands]
[...]
Nabiki sighed and repeated, "2000 Yen."
/me points up
"Grrr!" Akane stomped over to her purse and extracted the requested
amount, slapping the bills into her sister's outstretched palm.
"Now, what's so important that you have to charge your own sister
for it?!"
Enjoying the unique texture of currency as she rubbed the bills
between her thumb and fingers, she said, "Pro forma." She considered
her next words and then spoke.
Hmmm. "pro forma" adj. Made or done in a
mechanical and unenthusiasic manner. ;)
[...]
Akane lowered her head and studied her upturned palms. "I..." she
whispered. "I... want... um, I... want--"
"Ranma."
Akane jerked, but after a moment, she nodded. She looked up at
Nabiki with a haunted expression that made the other flinch.
AKANE: And to beat up Shampoo. And to cook better than Ukyo. And
for that jerk Ranma to admit that I'm a good martial artist!
[...]
*SIGH* "Well, if you *must* have him, though I have *no* idea what
you see in him, then *take* him."
SHAMPOO: You no give away Amazon secret to getting husband!
You're switching back and forth between ALL CAPS for emphasis and
*asterisks*. It's a little weird. Well, that, and the *SIGH!*s
Aren't sighs by their nature soft-spoken? ^_^;
[...]
"Little sister, you no longer have the luxury of denying what you
feel or what you want. Things... the *weirdness* that follows Ranma
around has just put him out of the reach of family honor. Now, he...
she can leave whenever she wants!
AKANE: We have family honor?
SOUN: [bawling] How could you be so cruel...
Sorry, personal peeve. I buy into any Ranma character talking
about honor. Except perhaps from (Tatewaki) Kuno.
Also, you're switching back and forth between "imouto" and "little
sister." ;)
[...]
Nabiki kept Akane's eyes for a heartbeat more and then lightly moved
her gaze around the objects in Akane's room. Akane slumped and tried
to think, but so much was going around in her head, she wasn't
making much progress.
AKANE: Stupid thoughts! Get out of my way! [flail]
[...]
"How... do I, er, 'take' him."
The trademark Tendou Nabiki smile flashed across her face. "Simple.
Extremely simple. Tell him you love him. No denials, no waffling."
Akane just stared, fear evident in her wide eyes. "What... what if
he doesn't love *me*?" Tears began to gather in the corners of her
eyes, and she sniffled twice. Nabiki rolled her eyes.
NABIKI: Then you MAKE him. You're not going to let that
insensitive jerk win, are you?
AKANE: No way!! Just you wait, Ranma! I'll make you love me!
"Then you've lost. But if you *don't* tell him, you'll lose anyway.
At least this way you stand a chance."
NE, GODDESS OF ROMANTIC HIJINKS: I don't like where this is going...
C'mon, you don't want to upset the status quo, right? Right?
"I... I don't... know..."
"Fine, Akane," Nabiki sniffed. "Play into Ukyou's or Shampoo's
hands. I'm sure they'll thank you for it." She tossed her hands
melodramatically. "Sheesh! Why do I even bother?"
AKANE: Probably because you got twenty bucks out of it...
"Why ARE you bothering?" Akane asked suspiciously. "Isn't this going
to ruin your 'business'?"
Nothing was said for several moments as Nabiki stared out the
window. She eventually began to smile fondly. "It's been a fun ride,
ne?"
NE: It has, indeed. [sigh]
[...]
"We've met goddesses and seen demons," Nabiki said distantly. "The
implications are obvious." [...]
NABIKI: There *is* an afterlife, so there
*has* to be a way to take it with you!!
[...]
Nabiki pursed her lips and looked at her little sister
speculatively. "Declare your love and then demonstrate it with the
'act'."
NABIKI: Blushing, and then beating the crap out crying
about how cruel he is to make you admit it. Duh!
Akane fidgeted, afraid of what her sister was suggesting. "Errr...
what act?" She tried to feign innocence and failed before Nabiki's
perceptive might.
I can't think of a better suggestion, but "perceptive might"
sounds weird. How much does power have to do with perception?
Nabiki, however, allowed it to stand. She sighed. "Make love to him,
Akane. Show him what you're telling him. Seal it. Make the
commitment between the two of you. I think that Ranma's the kind of
person that would, after such a thing, stay loyal unto death."
AKANE: And since he's probably immortal now... Sweeto!
[...]
"Ranma was likely to keep his curse for the rest of his life. You
can't tell me that you two wouldn't have eventually played around
with his girl form! Those implications of his curse never seemed to
bother Ukyou, and while I don't think Shampoo is interested in
Ranma's 'girl-type', she could certainly sweeten the whole deal by
offering to make his girl-half full Joketsuzoku!"
Huh? Is that some sort of sexual innuendo or offer of citizenship?
Of course, the reason that the curse never bothered Ukyo is becuase
she's never been in a sexual situation with Ranma. ^o^
[...]
"All right, then. You know what you have to do." Nabiki stood and
looked at her sister once more. "Remember what's important to you,
Akane-chan, and remember that it's always Ranma, onna or otoko."
Nabiki replaced Akane's photograph and turned to leave, but another
thought occurred to her.
I didn't realise what photograph you were talking about. You might
want to describe it ("the photo of Akane at...") or just drop it.
"I wouldn't wait, Akane-chan, if this is what you truly want. Once
it really sinks in that Ranma may not be able to take over the dojo,
Daddy's going to start wondering who to engage you to for the sake
of the Art. [...]
PICOLETTE: Ah, ma cherie, we meet again? How about a little kiss...?
Nabiki padded out of the room, leaving Akane to mull over all she'd
been told.
suggest: over everything she'd said
(There's no need for the passive voice.)
[...]
Kuonji Ukyou sat in front of her grill, twirling back and forth on
one of the stools and frowning. Ranma and Akane usually came by on
Saturdays, around lunch on non-school Saturdays or during the
evening on the Saturdays that school was in session, and if one or
both couldn't, then she was sure to see someone by Sunday morning.
Suggest simply "Ranma and Akane usually come by on the weekends."
We don't need their appointment calandar.
But the morning had passed without a sign of either. She
conveniently ignored her part in the failed wedding, some three
weeks previous, and was sure her Ranchan wouldn't let that keep him
from her... okonomiyaki.
[insert gratuitous "sauce" comments here.]
UKYO: Sugar, *that's* not what I want inserted...
The last sentence is somewhat disjointed; the first part doesn't
fit with the second.
suggest: "...some three ways previous, and was sure Rancan had,
too. Anyway, she was sure that wouldn't..."
I'm becoming lost in your use of honorifics.
It's Ranma-san, but Ranmachan? And Kamisama, not Kami-sama...?
She grunted in frustration. Ukyou counted on these weekend visits as
an opportunity to really pour on the charm and to try to make Ranma
see what he was missing out on.
Not to mention piss off Akane. She'd act like the Big Bad Wolf,
all huffing and puffing with indignation...
[...]
But the fact that she hadn't seen Ranma was only the tip of the
iceberg. She'd gotten a really bad feeling a short while earlier
suggest: a little while eariler
or: shortly before
[...]
She got to her feet and stomped to the front entry, pushed the noren
aside, and looked up and down the road. She didn't see Ranma, but
she did see a little black piglet crying and walking in circles in
the middle of the asphalt. Ukyou rolled her eyes. <Oh, just great!
suggest: on the asphault
or: in the middle of the road
Look who's back in town. *SIGH* Can't let him get run over, now can
I? Probably hurt someone's car...>
INSURANCE AGENT: Two million yen in damages?
All this from swerving to avoid a piglet--
DRIVER: I didn't swerve. I *hit* it!
[...]
"Ryouga, you jackass! Are you *tryin'* to get run over?!"
...said the girl standing in the middle of the road,
staring at a pig, instead of oncoming traffic. ;)
Startled, Ryouga squealed and looked fearfully up at the woman
towering over him. He relaxed when he recognized Ukyou's face.
suggest: P-Chan squealed
[...]
His thoughts were cut off as Ukyou picked him up by his bandanna.
"C'mon, piglet. There's an okonomiyaki with your name on it
waitin'."
P-CHAN: [thinking] Oh, God, no! I'm in "Ukyo Can Cook!"
Misunderstanding her intent, Ryouga began to struggle and squeal.
Indeed, who wouldn't? :j
[...]
Ukyou came back with a kettle. "I usually keep this for Ran-chan,
but since... Oh, never mind." She poured the steaming water over the
piglet's head.
Now it's Ran-chan, again? Methinks you need to reveiew your honorifics.
"AAAA!!! CHICHICHIII!!!"
Okay, my knowledge of Japanese is pretty pathetic,
but why is Ryoga yelling BREASTBREASTBRE-? ^_^;;;
suggest: ACHACHACHACH
or: ATSUATSUATSU
[...]
"Eh?" He looked down to see what she was talking about. "AH!" He
slapped his hands over his privates and then squeaked because he'd
slapped his hands over his privates.
Hands powerful enough to shatter boulders with a single blow...
[wince]
[...]
"Sorry, Ryouga-kun, but that was just priceless! A real Fuji moment,
that was! HA!"
suggest: Kodak moment
or at least: Fuji-film moment ;)
PRINCIPAL: A real Mauna Kea moment, hyeah!
[...]
Ukyou chuckled. "Sure, Sugar." She reached behind the grill and
retrieved an apron, throwing it at him.
"Um..." He opened the apron and held it over his torso. "Got
anything more, er, complete?"
UKYO: Stop complaining. I could have given you a napkin. >:)
"Oh, hush up! And as for why I know, you were walkin' by the shop
two weeks ago. You popped your umbrella open in time to defend
against that nice old lady, Tanaka-san, and her ladle, but you
missed the guy on the second floor emptying out some water! You
changed!"
RYOGA: But *you* live on the second floor of your shop.
UKYO: Uh... [blushes]
RYOGA: This is all your fault!!!
[...]
Ukyou returned momentarily with an okonomiyaki-seller's outfit,
consisting of the traditional shirt and a pair of black tights.
Ryouga looked at the garments dubiously.
Is that really an okonomiyaki-seller's outfit,
or just what Ukyo wears when she works?
"It's either that or a kimono or three. What'll it be, handsome?
RYOGA: Your clothes. Give them to me.
UKYO: Wh- What?
RYOGA: Your boy's uniform.
UKYO: Oh.
[...]
Ryouga jumped and looked over his shoulder, looked back at the wall,
and then back at Ukyou. "What do you think?! You moved the door!"
Ukyou face-faulted, then leapt to her feet. "ARGH! Why would I do
something like that?!
Ukyo: *How* would I do something like that?
[...]
"Here! Sit and don't move till I tell you to." Ukyou walked around
behind the grill and threw okonomiyaki batter on the sizzling
surface. Ryouga scowled the whole time, hitching and squirming on
the stool; Ukyou's loaner black tights were creasing into his butt.
suggest: tights were riding
"What toppings do you want?"
He lightened up and forgot his discomfort as he realized he was
going to get his first decent meal in days. "Thanks, Ukyou! Um...
anything but pork."
UKYO: Ham and bacon, it is!
Ukyou snorted and threw a pile of vegetables and an egg on the
dough. Nothing else was said as they waited for the food to finish
cooking.
Of course, with the way Ukyo cooks, it didn't
take more than a fraction of a second...
[...]
<Well, so much for paying his way. The things I do for Ranma and his
friends...>
UKYO: Don't worry, I'll arrange all the vacation details.
You like spelunking, right?
[...]
*KLANG!!!*
"OWWW!!! LAY OFF, WILL YA?!?!"
She must be hitting the poor sap pretty hard,
for him to feel it through that thick skull of his...
[...]
Ukyou chased Ryouga around the restaurant for some time, continuing
to add lumps to his already growing collection and eloquently
proving that a giant spatula has more than one business end.
^o^;;;
[...]
White marble, black marble; a black circular design inlaid on a
field of creamy white.
Sounds like some sort of architectural ding dong.
HOMER: Mmmm. Creamy center...
Those of an imaginative bent might see, in ghostly superimposition,
figures of legend populating the grounds. Here, Socrates engaged in
dialogues with students and the intellectual. There, Plato, in
heated discussion over the nature of political structure. And isn't
that Oedipus, walking with his wife?
OEDIPUS: [whining] But I don't WANT to...
WIFE: You'll do as you're told, Son!
[...]
Urd stopped and gazed into space as she said. "Hermes and company, a
game of strip mancala, and beyond that, you don't want to know.
Sheesh! One peek of flesh, and the Greeks grow four more arms."
Better than the Hindi gods, who can *start* with six.
"He had as many arms as Vishnu, and they were all *very* busy!"
[...]
"Pretty lady, come try the wine..." "Mistress, the grapes are in
season..." "Roast boar is the only..." "You are so beautiful..."
"You have no idea how boring it is..." "Seeing the same old
faces..." "Millennia in, millennia out..."
Isn't that boredom why the Greek gods were always out,
making some poor sap's life miserable?
[...]
Off to the side, Urd mumbled to herself as she neared the halfway
point in completing the gate. "Juuust great. *He* would have to show
up. King of Gods, my rear end. King of Philanderers, more like
it..."
DANAE: How can she say such a thing?
CALLISTO: Awfully judgemental of her.
SEMELE: I bet she's just jealous.
GANYMEDE: The tramp.
IO: She wishes she were as lucky as Zeusie
LEDA: Or as I like to call him, Jupiter...
[...]
"WHAT RARE AND FAIR FOREIGN FLOWER HATH ASCENDED TO GRACE THE HALLS
OF MIGHTY OLYMPUS? BUT HOLD! 'TIS NO SPIRIT, BUT MORTAL WOMAN!"
Doesn't Zeus know anything about nettitquette?
STOP YELLING, YOU BIG JERK! ;)
[...]
WHAT NAME ARE THEE CALLED?" <Yea, she will do fine.>
suggest: BY WHAT NAME
"No-No-Nodoka."
"'TIS A PASSING STRANGE NAME, BUT IT SUITS THEE WELL. NOW, DEAREST
NODAKO--"
"Anou, i-i-it's Nodoka."
"QUITE, QUITE. NOW, DEAREST NAKOKO--"
"Nodoka," repeated the slightly annoyed woman.
There simply *has* to be a Nadoka in there. :j
[...]
To the Saotome matriarch's surprise, Zeus bent forward and whispered
in her ear. Over the course of the next twenty seconds, Nodoka
turned pink, then red, then purple. She jerked back.
"Sir! I am a married woman!"
NODOKA: And faithful to my loving husband. YES, I mean Genma!
[...]
Hera had grabbed Zeus' beard and was dragging him off. A flash of
light, and they vanished. The spectating gods and goddesses shrugged
for lost opportunity, and in a series of flashes, they vanished as
well, back to wherever they had come from and to whatever they had
been doing, boring or otherwise.
gram: Hera grabbed... and dragged him
suggest: The assembled
or: The spectator
(Spectate is not a word. Maybe you meant expectorate?
Probably not ^_^)
The enormous structure was once again devoid of life... or was it?
The ghost of a Greek man appeared, a woman draped on his arm.
"You're NOT my mother, I don't care what you say! I would NEVER
marry my mother!"
The moral of the story: If you have a beautiful wife, and your
son's destined to kill you, don't send him away. No, keep him
close, and beat him up regularly, so when he *does* kill you,
at least you've already gotten your revenge. Oh, and get him
as far away from your wife as possible. A ten year training
journey ought to do the trick...
The woman sighed, kissed him on the cheek, and gave up. "As you
say..."
I do have to bring up one little complication, here.
Seeing as they're both dead, wouldn't *dad* be there with them? ^_^;
[...]
After a visit to the furo, Shampoo slipped into some dry clothing
left at the Tendou's from some previous, failed effort to woo her
husband. <Oooo, that Ranma! The things I go through...>
suggest: clothing that she had left behind from some previous
She sashayed
into the tearoom and sat next to her great-grandmother, who was
speaking as she entered.
COLOGNE: You go girl! Sashay, chante!
SHAMPOO: ;;;
"Now, Belldandy-sama, please tell us what exactly is going on. Am I
to understand that the Groom is a goddess?"
cap: that the groom
or: that Groom
although I'd suggest: Son-in-Law
Shampoo started, and then looked at everyone to see if some joke
were being played at her expense. The people around the table
consisted of Belldandy, Kasumi, Soun, Cologne, and Shampoo. Keiichi
suggest: Be, Ka, So, Co were all sitting around the
("The people consisted of" is an odd construct.)
[...]
"Ahem," Cologne interrupted. The other attendees were beginning to
sunburn from all the good vibes, and Nabiki felt positively queasy.
NABIKI: Why do I have the urge to cover my
eyes and hiss at the cursed goodness?
[...]
Shampoo scrunched up her nose. "What Ygg-- Ygg--"
SHAMPOO: Shampoo would like to buy a vowel.
[...]
Nabiki jumped and then muttered, "Well... hmmm... I, er, entered
Ranma's information and sent it in."
NABIKI: I may have already won ten million yen!
Everyone was silent for a moment, until Cologne finally asked, "And
the Goddess of Sex?"
*COUGH, COUGH* "That's, um, how I listed him-- her." Pause. "It was
a joke," she said in a small voice.
NABIKI: C'mon, it's funny! If you read about this you'd laugh.
COLOGNE: ...
Cologne sighed and closed her eyes. <I'm too old for this crap.>
"From small actions come unexpected results," she intoned.
FORTUNE COOKIE: Many wise saying come from shrivelled up ladies.
[...]
The Amazon matriarch rested a consoling hand on Shampoo's shoulder.
"Ranma is, according to the laws of our tribe, married to my
great-granddaughter, since he defeated her in combat. However, the
marriage has yet to be consummated or even acknowledged by him and
many other concerned parties. In light of that, we've been
comporting ourselves as though Shampoo and Ranma are affianced...
somewhat."
Would Cologne really say this? Everything after the "However"
is just shooting herself in the foot.
MOUSSE: ...You mean monkey mummy paw
COLOGNE: [whack!]
[...]
The explanations were put on hold as, through the open shoji to the
backyard, the visitors and residents were treated to the sight of
two people, wearing matching okonomiyaki garb, leaping over the wall
and landing on the other side of the pond.
SOUN: We have a front door, people. [frown]
[...]
"Ohayou, people. Where's Ranchan?"
Not to encourage the gratiutous use of Japanese,
but shouldn't that be "Ohayou, minna"? ;)
[...]
Nabiki barked a laugh. "You're going to *wish* it was," she replied
enigmatically. Shampoo nodded solemnly, and Cologne, inscrutable as
always, merely looked on.
COLOGNE: [thinking] I must appear aloof and all-knowing. It'll
all go to pot if they realise that I'm just hanging around for
the wild ride.
[...]
Ranma felt the hairs rise on the back of her neck, and she looked
over at Skuld. Skuld nodded once and said, "Something's coming
through the gate." They hopped up and backed a short distance away.
CTHULU: Hi-ee!
SKULD & RANMA-SAMA: Wrong gate!!
The design inlaid in precious metals glowed, and Urd and Nodoka
faded in. Nodoka blinked and saw Ranma. Ranma was already bounding
over, and she gently slammed into her mother with a hug.
suggest: saw Ranma, who was
[...]
Urd snorted. "Anyway! I want to stop by my digs for a minute or
two." The trio walked off to catch up with Skuld. "It's been more
than a little while since I've been allowed, errr, been back."
So Ranma, you *really* want this (um) person as your teacher? ^_^;
[...]
With her arm still pointing, she chuckled at the blinking Ranma.
"Never mind," she lowered her arm, "you'll get used to it. Just
wait; you'll have to study about all this sooner or later, if you
want to get your classification."
"What?!" Ranma screeched, despair echoing in the question. "*More*
school?!"
HORDE OF GODS: Ranko-sama! Go out with us!!!
RANMA-SAMA: Every stinking morning...
[...]
"We're not going to take the dime tour; it would probably take the
rest of Nodoka-san's life to finish it." She punched the 'UP' button
at the elevator bank, and they waited.
NODOKA: Thank you for pointing out of how my son is now an
immortal goddess, while I'll grow old, whither, and die.
Actually, I don't think there's any evidence that the goddesses
are imortal. They appear to actually be twenty-something.
URD: Except for you, squirt.
SKULD: [pout]
[...]
"Uh, yeah." Ranma sweatdropped. "Quite a guy, that Otis, a-heh."
Um... This was somewhat arbitrary. ^_^;
[...]
Urd's 'digs', as it turned out, consisted of an elaborate boudoir
with little brothelesque touches here and there.
"Brothelesque"? ^_^;;;
RANMA-SAMA: Forget it. I can already see where this is going,
and I am SO outta here!
[...]
Ranma shivered at her sensei's display of bodily charms. <Remind me
never to get her interested in me. Gah!>
URD: Now how are you ever going to learn if you dont--
RANMA-SAMA: [sigh]
[...]
"You *really* must try the bed! It's just delicious!"
URD: It's chocolate. And the filling... [lick lips]
[...]
It must be noted that Urd had been away for some time, and the
instinct our feet have for guiding us safely through familiar rooms,
even if unlit, had long since faded away for the pearly-haired
goddess. Therefore, it is of little surprise that she had forgotten
about the red pillows lying about the foot of the bed, in spite of
the painful clashing they caused with the majority of the
furnishings. And Urd was *not* a tidy person to begin with.
This sentence didn't read too smoothly. Especially the "even
if unlit" part. Chop them sentences up!
Also, you probably don't need to refer to Urd as "the pearly-
haired goddess" for something mundane like this. Avoid any
extraneous words when leading into a setup like this.
[...]
Urd smiled and gazed at Ranma through half-lidded eyes. She opened
her legs, wrapped them around Ranma's hips, and locked the ankles
behind her buttocks, her inner heel digging in slightly.
"EEP!" That was Ranma, by the way.
RANMA-SAMA: Well, duh! [twitch]
[...]
Sweating, the trainee goddess experienced one of life's little
visceral epiphanies when she realized that she was utterly and
completely trapped. No matter how she might move, she intuitively
knew that some highly specific, provocative part of her or Urd's
body would be rubbing against some highly specific, provocative part
of the other's body, creating all manner of interesting (and
provocative) sensations.
Ranma is a professional at handling glomps.
He knows what he's doing.
Ranma briefly considered employing the little-known variant of the
Saotome Secret Technique of Tactical Retreat,
Better yet, use a variant of the Maken doukoku-ha:
RANMA-SAMA: Oh, my God!! [pointing] It's your Father!!
(Mea culpa)
which utilized a
voluntary release of consciousness, but the necessary concentration
for the technique was shattered as Urd began to wriggle underneath
her in a very distracting fashion.
RANMA-SAMA: Augh! I feel like I'm covered with wriggling worms!
[...]
"OOOOHO-HO-HO-HOOOOO!!"
In spite of the pain, Ranma cringed at the Kodachi-esque laughter.
Like Ranma hasn't done "Kodachi-esque"
laughter plenty of times, herself. ^o^
[...]
Urd smiled. She *had* gotten a *little* excited by that, though. She
felt a tap on her shoulder and turned her head to see Skuld. Skuld
put something in her lap and walked away, quickly. Urd looked down
at a metal sphere. A second later, she realized what it was.
Divine retribution? ;)
[...]
When the smoke cleared, the non-bombed occupants of the room saw a
soot-covered Urd sitting on the now-dingy bed,
So it was a waterbed...? [whistles innocently]
[...]
"If that wasn't a big enough 'thrill', I've got more," she said
sarcastically and jumped back as Urd tried to grab her.
URD: Thank you ma'am! May I have another?
SKULD: [backs away in fear]
Urd stood and held her hands in front of her as if she were holding
a large ball. And directly a ball did appear, one composed of pure
mana. Skuld backed a little further away and pulled out two more
bombs.
And in a burst of competitive spirit, Ranma-sama felt
compelled to expose some dargerous orbs of her own...
suggest: a large ball. And she was -- one composed
(What would a ball appearing "directly" mean?)
[...]
Nodoka looked down at her daughter in surprise. "Oneechan?"
Ranma weakly smiled back, the lines of her closed eyes making little
arches,
Over one hundred million served.
and multiple-sweatdropped. The impending conflagration
reclaimed their attention as the two Norns made ready to attack.
It looks like someone's on the Norns of a dilem-- [nevermind]
[...]
"We ARE here for a REASON, aren't we?" she said in iron tones.
URD: Reason has nothing to do with this...
The Norns looked back at each other, and Urd narrowed her eyes. "I
OWE you for that one, runt."
Should "runt" be capitalized, here?
It *is* being used as a title. ^_^;
[...]
The elder slowly powered down, and the younger gently put her bombs
away.
Alas, the fuses were already activated...
"Now," Urd sniffed, "you're going to have to wait while *I* take a
bath." She spun around and stalked off into the recesses of the
room, disappearing from view.
Do we want to know what Urd is doing in her recesses?
[...]
"You're who? A WHAT?!"
The goddess beamed. "I am Belldandy, Norn and Goddess of the
Present!" she happily supplied.
Does Bell ever use titles like this? In her introduction, she
called herself "the Goddess Belldandy." She might call herself
the Goddess of the Present, but I've never seen the term "Norn"
escape from her lips.
[...]
Wiping the tears from her eyes, Ukyou said, "This is just like some
stunt you and your airheaded cat-girl would pull." Turning more
serious, she added, "Do you *really* expect me to fall for that kind
of bullsh--" She was cut off by a bonbori suddenly appearing in her
face.
RIPLEY: Damn... Face burster!
(suggest: in front of her face.)
[...]
Belldandy flinched, and Ukyou clonked Ryouga over the head with her
other fist.
If it's not concrete, he's not going to feel it, Honey. ;)
[...]
Ukyou steamed and turned back to the Amazons. "If you think I'm
gonna sit around here and be made a fool of, tough cookies!" She
rose to her feet. "Now where the HELL is RANCHAN?!?!"
suggest: around while you try to make a fool out of me,
(Ending a sentence with a preposition AND the passive voice! Tsk!)
[...]
"And WHY do you keep referring to *him* as a *her*?!" Ukyou cocked
her hands on her hips and glared at the assemblage.
MIXING your forms of *emphasis*, again...
[...]
"I understand." Belldandy put her finger to her lips and looked
around. "Etoooo... You don't really have much to work with... Ah! I
know *just* the thing!"
*BOING!!*
BELLDANDY: I've turned you into a girl!
UKYO: I've always been a girl!
[...]
"Well," Cologne smirked, turning to Ukyou, "what do you think of...
that?"
UKYO: [yawn] Is very tragic story: Spring of Drowned Baby Quintuplets.
[...]
The spot suddenly irised open to about the size of a manhole cover,
belched flames, and ejected a small object that landed some meters
away with an audible "OOF!"
A strange being stuck its torso up through the hole.
suggest: Then, a strange being
or: A strange being then
(The focus has moved back from the speaking object to the hole.)
It had many
characteristics of a regular, garden-variety red devil,
There are garden variety devils?
KASUMI: Oh yes. They're very hard to keep weeded, though...
but its
burly and muscular physique and atypical clothing belied that. It
wore black and gray combat fatigues, a black beret, and assorted
items of unusual appearance fastened to a utility belt. A cloth
shield on its visible arm proclaimed: "Special Forces - 7th Circle -
1st Level".
:)
(Is that the circle for punners?)
[...]
A little girl squeezed up beside the commando. "And quit stealing!"
she rumbled in a petite basso profundo.
I found "basso" but not "profundo" in the dictionary. Please try to
avoid jargon (operatic or otherwise), as it makes it harder to read.
I'll assume that the term means "bass", in which case I'd suggest:
"she rumbled with a bass growl". Throwing the "petite" in front of
it only confused the issue for me, leaving me wondering what a little
girl is doing in Hell, pouting at Happosai instead of making a run for
it...
[...]
"Ranma," he whispered, "I'll get you for this. Send *me* to a place
that won't let me have my Darlings, will you? Grrr!"
In this case, I don't thing "Darlings" should be capitalized.
[...]
"AAAAACHOOOOOIIIII!!"
suggest: drop a few vowels. ^_^;
"Goodness, Ranma-chan, are you coming down with a cold?" Nodoka
asked.
"Don't think so..." Ranma rubbed the back of her hand against her
nose.
Remember, in Japan people can be "too stupid" to get sick. ;)
Nodoka swatted her lightly with a handkerchief she'd pulled from her
kimono. "As long as you're stuck as a girl, behave like a lady." She
offered the hanky.
RANMA: Why would I behave like a lady? Shouldn't I be acting
like the Goddess of Sex? Worpship me! Play with yourself!
[...]
The group moved out of the more heavily populated areas and neared a
small hill. Set into the side of the hill, they noticed as they
approached, was a massive set of iron-bound, oaken doors, each door
easily five meters high and two across and weathered with the ages.
Fortunately, one was ajar; Ranma didn't relish the thought of trying
to pry them open. <Not that I couldn't, of course,> she was quick to
mentally add.
suggest: neared a small hill. As they approached, they noticed a
massive set of iron-bound oaken doors set into its side. Each
(That was more complicated-sounding than it needed to be.)
[...]
They slipped through the open door and descended a wide and high
earthen tunnel. After about ten meters, the tunnel opened up into a
cage, constructed of thick iron bars framed by heavy oak beams. A
Valkyrie sat behind a teller window, typing on a holocomputer. One
knew she was a Valkyrie only by the helmet with a horsehair tail
that she wore, a winged horse embossed into the metal. Otherwise,
she was dressed in utilitarian coveralls overlaid with a leather
apron. Her golden-blonde hair was braided and hung loosely over the
back of the chair in which she was sitting. Light-grey eyes
concentrated on the screen in front of her. She was quite lovely,
but carried an air of tomboyishness.
suggest: One could only tell she was a Valkerie from the helmet
she wore. It had a horsehair tail and winged horse embossed
suggest: dressed in utilitarian coveralls and leather apron
suggest: hung loosely over the back of her chair.
(What other chair would her hair hang over?)
It feels like you're trying to fit a *lot* of description into
each sentence, and they're suffering for it. Break things up a bit.
[...]
Urd snorted. "Face it, girlfriend. You're doomed to spend eternity
polishing weapons."
SVAVA: As I recall, you like to "polish" a few "weapons" yourself...
URD: What a perfect segue!
Both women roared in laughter, then Svava tossed her head at Nodoka
and Ranma. "Are you gonna introduce me or what? It gets *lonely*
down here."
Sheesh, they were letting her talk to Urd. Is she going to give
them some *time* to introduce themselves before interrogating them?
What is this, the Spanish Inquisition?
[...]
Svava eyed her up and down a couple of times. "Aye, Red, you're
built for it, I'll say that for sure."
Widest hips in Japan... ^_^
Ranma didn't know whether to be angry or highly embarrassed. She
chose embarrassed, but bowed to Svava anyway. "Very nice ta
meet'cha."
Nodoka bowed next. "I am Saotome Nodoka, Ranma's mother."
[sigh] Clearly she doesn't know the protocol for introducing
Ranma to fighters: "I am Saotome Nodoka, and this is my ungrateful
child..."
[...]
"Yeah. Ranma ascended yesterday afternoon, er, Midgard's yesterday,
that is."
Midgard Standard Time.
[...]
"Well, my current, er, responsibilities have overridden that. Ranma
has a martial aspect as well as her primary area, and she's
specified for a katana."
That sentence didn't read too well. "A martial aspect"? "Primary
area"? "Specified for a katana"?
"Excellent weapon. Very elegant, but useful. Let's see now..." Svava
tapped on her computer a few times. "Hmmm, don't have her. I have a
Saotome 'Ranko'."
"That's me," Ranma piped up. "'Ranko's' a mistake."
I don't think you need to quote 'Ranko'.
"Okay, but you'll have to sign off on her, Urd. Can't just let any
old Goddess of Sex in here," Svava snickered.
GODDESS-OF-PHOTOGRAPHY-WINK-WINK-NUDGE-NUDGE-KNOW-WHAT-I-MEAN:
Darn! [pout]
[...]
They passed through an oak arch. "Here we have maces and clubs.
Anything you could want to pound your opponent into a bloody stew."
They sure are big on oak, here. :)
Nodoka turned a little green, and Ranma thought, <Gah. Weapons.>
Why is Ranma whining about weapons? I can sorta understand him being
upset that other people are making such a big deal about it, but
I don't recall Ranma ever suggesting they're no good.
Next corridor: "Shields."
DARIEN: Hi!
Then: "Armor." "Bows." And so on.
SVAVA: "Lace." "Ribbons..."
[...]
Ranma scanned the various items on display till something caught her
eye. "Ha!" she barked and bounded over to one particular object. She
hefted it and swung the broad end several times, slicing through the
air.
"Aye, now there's an odd one. You know it?"
"Sure! It's one of Ucchan's battle spatulas!"
It must be the one from the anime episode when Kuno is possessed
by the sword. After it got cut in half, it died and came to heaven.
I have to ask, though: has Ukyo ever actually differentiated her
cooking spatulas from "battle" spatulas? ^_^
UKYO: Oops. Better wipe the dirt off that one...
[...]
"She still alive?" Svava asked.
"Of course!" Ranma said, mildly disturbed by the thought of her
childhood friend pushing up daisies.
SVAVA: You are aware that time passes differently here, right?
Every minute spent here is a week in Midgard...
[...]
She looked up into her mother's eyes. "She still doesn't know, ya
know? About me bein' a goddess and all. It's gonna break her heart."
suggest: still doesn't know.
(The repeated "know" sounds especially dopey, even for Ranma. ;)
Ranma clutched the spatula to her. "Why does this have to be so
tough? It's not fair ta everybody!"
suggest: fair ta anybody!"
(Duh, Ranma, of course it's not fair to *everyone*.)
[...]
A line of all five mini-Bells stood before the stunned but conscious
former disbeliever.
AKANE: Those Bells make me want to play a Christmas carol!
[pulls out mallets]
[...]
"Ah, gomen nasai, Kasumi-san. My smaller versions act a bit more,
um, instinctually than I do. I didn't mean to, anou, crawl all over
you." She bowed low from her seated position, only to see Kasumi
smiling and waving one hand merrily in dismissal as she
straightened.
Um... I don't recall this behavior from the manga. The time she
split into five to catch the little demons that powered Keiichi's
engine, they all seemed pretty alert and focussed.
In the Advantures of Mini Urd, she said if she makes too many
dupicates, it just gets hard for her to keep their shape, but
that's not the same thing.
[...]
"My love's thoughts have been sent to me and received! Where is
Ranma-sama, you harridans?!" Kodachi haughtily posed, her ribbon
spiraling around her.
Nabiki leaned around Kasumi to Belldandy and said, "Unofficial
fiancee."
Kodachi's knows she's not a fiancee, unofficial or otherwise. Heck,
there's even some evidence that she knows Ranma isn't in love with her
(Asuka the White Lily episode). She just knows that she'll *make*
him love her. ^O^
In a rare expression of pique, Belldandy closed her eyes and rubbed
her forehead. <Goddesses do *not* get headaches. I do *not* have a
headache. They *are* impossible.> She took a deep breath. <There!
That's better!>
Since she has to continually regenerate the atoms that comprise her
body, I'd have to agree that she doesn't get a headaches. ^_^
BELLDANDY: Keeping all those atoms in place sure is tough. I'm
getting a headache trying to keep myself from getting a headache...
"Oh, dear," she said, opening her eyes, "I suppose I should get this
over with now."
*BOING!*
Five mini-Bells scampered over to a prone and petal-covered Kodachi,
a little wisp of rose-scented steam rising from her forehead.
ASH: Gotta catch 'em all!
Ukyou shook her head in amazement. "I *knooow* how you feel, Sugar."
Shampoo yawned. "Shampoo bored. Wonder what Airen doing now?"
[later]
COLOGNE: At least that's the last of them...
MIKADO: I've come to challenge that womanizer Saotome!
COLOGNE: [smacks head]
BELLDANDY: Here I go again...
ASUZA: Where is..? THEY'RE SO KY00T!!!
[scenes of grabbing and squeezing omitted]
[...]
She gently picked it up and held it out flat in her palms. In terms
of ornamentation, it was relatively plain. An unadorned, high-gloss,
black enamel scabbard, with what appeared to be silver fittings. The
hilt of the sword was a traditional wrap and unremarkable. The only
truly unusual characteristics of the blade were the tsuba or
handguard, which was fashioned in a stylized sunburst, and a large,
unusually-colored Tiger's Eye jewel in the pommel. As she looked
into the jewel, she briefly imagined the eye opening onto pure
sunlight.
NODOKA: Give me... Sight beyond sight! Ho!
[...]
The metal was obviously of high quality, although again Nodoka
wasn't enough of an expert to be sure. The stylized sunburst-motif
continued on the part of the blade opposite the sharp edge, each
etched sun connected by swirling, Asian-style clouds. Putting the
scabbard down, she hefted the katana and swung it a few times.
RANMA-SAMA: My pigtail!
NODOKA: Ooops.
RANMA-SAMA: Geez, watch where you swing that thing!
[...]
"You have a good eye, Nodoka-san." Svava walked up and rejoined
them, and both women turned to her. "Yes, indeed. That's a fine one.
I think her original and only owner would be pleased to know a
fellow countrywoman might get some use out of it."
RANMA-SAMA: Bad enough being called a "goddess," but "countrywoman"?
"Oh?" Nodoka asked, intrigued. "Who was that?"
"Amaterasu Oumikami."
Nodoka gasped and almost dropped the blade. Ranma's eyes bulged and
she presented warding signs.
Okay. I've been a good boy and not made any comments about all
the Japanese. However, you can't just drop in Amaterasu's name
and expect it to mean anything to your readers, anymore than I'd
expect someone to know who Avalokiteshvara is.
Please add a "G- Goddess of the Sun!?" or somesuch after the
gasping and bulging.
[...]
Ranma nodded in acknowledgment as Nodoka slid the katana back into
its scabbard and held it out. Ranma put her hands out, then jerked
back at the last minute. <Amaterasu! Oh, boy...> Gathering her
courage, she quickly reached out and snatched the sheathed blade,
squinching her eyes shut. When nothing happened, she opened one eye
and peeked down.
"No, no. You have to *draw* it, child," Svava said.
RANMA-SAMA: I'll need some paper and crayons...
[...]
In Kamisama's main office building, on the 47th floor, a petite
woman with an athletic figure and long, black hair sat at an ornate
desk, shuffling through personnel reports. She stopped, turned her
head, and looked in the direction of the armory. A viewer might now
see that she was quite cute, and the only odd thing about her was
her eyes. Instead of colored flesh, her irises burned in rings of
fire.
suggest: quite cute. The only odd thing about her was
that her irises were rings of fire.
(I don't think anyone would call irises "colored flesh".)
[...]
"So what can it do?" Ranma asked, as she put the katana through her
own unrestricted version of kenjutsu forms.
"Do?" Svava echoed, a little confused by the question. "Well... it
*cuts*!"
SVAVA: Your vegetables will never be sliced as evenly!
Ranma started to face-fault, then she remembered the sharp object in
her hands. "No, no. I mean, does it have any special magical attacks
or anything?"
SVAVA: It can cleave your enemies, and yet it's still
sharp enough to cut this ripe tomato!
[...]
Svava rubbed her chin in a masculine fashion. "Well, Red, it looks
like the blade's yours. Now, put it away and come with me. Since
you've solved one mystery weapon for me today, maybe you can solve
another."
suggest: identified one mystery weapon
(Mystery is the adjective here. How do you solve a weapon?)
Ranma sheathed the sword, picked up Ukyou's lost spatula, and
followed behind the Valkyrie. Nodoka was, again, a little out of it
for having handled Amaterasu's katana, but Urd slowly drew her mind
away from it with small talk.
URD: So, does Genma saistfy you as a woman?
Svava led them through three more corridors, and then she started to
angle off into a narrow hall that appeared on their left. For no
apparent reason, Ranma missed the turn and kept going through more
corridors. Her eyes started to slowly unfocus, and she unconsciously
shivered at the cooling air.
suggest: However, Ranma missed the turn ... Her eyes were unfoccussed
(With emphahsis on the eyes, I don't think there's any need to
explicitly say "for no apparent reason" It's clear that something
funny is going on.)
[...]
"No, no," Svava soothed. "It's not your fault. They were calling to
you." She started guiding her guests back up the aisle.
EVIL SWORD: Hey, baby, you wanna "sheathe" me?
[...]
The group reached the narrow hallway that was their turnoff. The
hallway descended at a steady angle and, after a minute, opened out
into a gigantic, cavernous space. Boxes and crates were stacked
everywhere alongside assorted piles of this and that. Not too far
from where they had come out, Svava stopped them in front of a
four-meter high pile covered with a tarp. Ranma, fully recovered
from the prior weirdness, looked at it curiously.
suggest: their turnoff. It descended
(Repeated "hallway".)
[...]
"BWAAAAHAHAHAAAAA! HOO! HOO! HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!" She carried on for a
full minute before calming down.
[...]
"HeeHeeeee! But they *are*, HA! weapons. Heh." [...]
It's not *that* funny...
[...]
Urd grimaced. "Ha ha." She then sighed. "All right. Be back in a
minute." Urd rose into the air and zoomed back up the passageway.
She's gone, Ranma-sama. Flee! Flee!
Nodoka watched this display of divine ability and considered, while
Ranma examined Mousse's discards. The Saotome matriarch turned to
her daughter. "Dear, weren't you flying like that at first?"
Ranma looked up, the oval of a toilet seat dangling from her elbow.
"Eh? Oh, yeah. But I'm not allowed, I guess, to do it while I'm
trainin'."
"But you'll be able to again?"
"Sure." Ranma scratched her head. "Why?"
"Well, it'll be ever so convenient when I need someone to run
errands for me."
I guess I don't see how flying would be so useful for running
errands. Changing ceiling lightbulbs, though... ;)
[...]
Kasumi hugged Belldandy firmly and giggled. "It's all right, dear.
Really. They are all so very charming. Please, don't be
embarrassed." She let go, leaned back, and beamed at the goddess.
Although her cheeks were flaming red, Belldandy couldn't help but
respond in kind. "Arigatou... heh."
Belldandy saying "heh". Belldandy saying "heh". [shakes head]
Nope. Can't wrap my head around that. ^_^
*taptaptaptapTapTapTapTAPTAPTAPTAP!!*
SOUN: Kasumi, could you be a dear and get the chamber door?
Seriously though, what is this tapping noise?
Kuno using his bokken as a cane?
[...]
He blinked at his unconscious sister, and then shook his head
vigorously. "No matter! Where is my GODDESS?!" he commanded.
Everyone pointed at Belldandy, whose eyes suddenly got very large.
KUNO: Far be it from me to look a gift horse in the mouth...
I'll TAKE her! [arms wide]
[...]
Belldandy had eluded his touch, and Kunou moved his empty arms in
and out. He then stared dumbly at the five scowling little women.
KUNO: I would have them all!
[...]
He drew the obvious conclusion, of course.
"Saotome! You FIEND!! You've made the pigtailed girl go to pieces!"
He drew his bokken, raising it to the ceiling and staring at a
Heaven only he could see. "I WILL HAVE MY VENGEA-- UUURRRRKKKKK!!!"
Uh, since when is Kuno blind? ^_^ He knows what His pig-tailed
goddess looks like, and it's nothing like Belldandy.
Might I suggest: since everyone else fails to believe Belldandy is
a goddess, that Kuno be the only one who instantly recognise her true
nature? I think it has a wee bit more comedy potential than beating
on poor Kuno.
Tatewaki was blasted through the open shoji, landing in the
much-abused koi pond. Five mini-Bells lowered their arms after
shooting off mini-mana blasts. They were huffing and puffing in
outrage.
Soun: [thinking] I'd better upgrade my home from wood to brick...
[...]
The Joketsuzoku Elder sighed wearily, got to her feet, hopped over a
comatose Shampoo, and trundled over to the pond. She produced her
staff and fished Tatewaki closer to her. She flipped him up into the
air, landing him on his back, out of the water. A small jet of pond
water and a baby koi geysered out of his mouth. She hesitated and
gazed at the moronic kendoist for a second, shook her head tiredly,
and tossed him with the staff a second time, laying him out on his
stomach so that he wouldn't drown on his own effluence.
What, no shark-fist to blast him out of the water? ^_^
[...]
Ranma's mouth crooked into an evil smirk. "Heh! And I know just how
I'm gonna give 'em back, too." <A present for Ucchan and *payback*
for Mousse.>
Payback for what? Since when is Ranma revenge-minded?
I'm sensing hostility to almost all of the male characters... People
are out to get Genma, *Belldandy* attacked Kuno, and now this comment
towards Mousse...
I don't think there's a need to be mean to any of the characters.
[...]
"Hmmm... maybe, but I don't think so. Well, anyway, what do you
think, Red?" Svava let Ranma take the spatula.
Ranma hefted it in wonder. With wide eyes, she said, "Man! It don't
weigh nothin'!"
Not weighing anything is a Bad Thing for thrown weapons. Without
mass, they have no heft, and do no damage. Maybe it could have
some sort of boomerang enchantment?
Now that we're leaving the armory and stuff, I have to say, this
whole passage doesn't really make any sense to me. Why are they
collecting weapons that have gone missing?
Cracking her lids, Cologne peered at Belldandy. "Yes, child. I'm
just waiting for the fourth shoe to drop."
Nothing happened for a couple of moments, the silence deafening.
Cologne finally eased herself upright.
"Let's try this agai--"
"What're all of YOU doing here?" Akane stood in the doorway,
blinking.
Thank you, Akane. ^_^
[...]
"Hello, Akane-chan. Would you like some tea?" Kasumi was obviously
in a better mood than usual, if the scorching sunny smile was any
indication.
What's a "scorching" sunny smile?
It sounds like something cruel and vicious...
[...]
Akane blinked, nodded, and sat down next to Kasumi. She studied
Ukyou and Ryouga and their matching clothes for a moment. "You two
going out now?"
"ERK! With UKYOU?!"
*CLONK!*
"You JERK!! What's THAT supposed to mean?!"
You'd best watch out, Ukyo. There's no telling what Dave has in mind
for you. He might be a closet member of the Church of Ryoga and Ukyo!
[...]
"Sensei?"
Urd looked aside to her protege. "Yeah?"
Ranma fidgeted for a moment, then said, "I need ta talk to ya about
somethin'."
"Sure. What's on your mind?"
RANMA-SAMA: Do you ever feel... Not-so-goddesslike?
[...]
"Yeah, I'll have sake-- no, better make that a coffee, black. An
iced mocha for the lady and a double of the same for the redhead."
Great. Let's make Ranma-sama all powered up and hyper before seeing
the Big Man.
SECRETARY-SAMA: You may now see Kami-sama.
RANMA-SAMA: Um... [twitching] Where's the bathroom?
"Got it. Be right up," the cherub wheezed and then buzzed away, its
little wings flapping furiously.
"WHAT was THAT?" Ranma hissed at Urd.
"Eh? You've never seen a cherub before?
In *Greek* mythology...
RANMA-SAMA: Sure, I seem'em all the time. They kept trying to shoot
arrows at me. But I was too good for them to hit me, so all these
girls got hit my accident...
[...]
"My guess," Urd continued, "is that your basic personality and
tastes won't change <much>--"
<"RANMA NO BAKA!"> echoed through the new goddess' mind and she
winced.
"--but whatever was keeping your female side behind bars is probably
steadily disintegrating."
Hmmm. I guess I'm going to have to say that this sounds like a
lot of sexist hooey to me. Ranma isn't acting like a girl; he's
acting more like the cultural expectations for how a girl should
act.
Even if Ranma's "base gender" has been changed, it's not like
his socialization has retroactively changed, has it?
On a more subtle note, there is apparently a difference between
"girls" and "goddesses". Remember how Belldandy says it should
be okay for her to stay in the Keiichi's dorm because she's not
really a girl?
I would expect Ranma to start acting like a goddess, rather than
like a girl. I leave it to you to decide what that means (if
anything). Although I wouldn't expect Urd to call her a "girl".
Female, maybe.
[...]
"As I understand it, you *are* a woman now, and you should begin
behaving appropriately."
"Okay, Momma, what's *that* supposed ta mean?" Ranma crossed her
arms and narrowed her eyes suspiciously.
"Don't get defensive, Dear," Nodoka admonished. "I'm only saying
that as a Saotome, your actions reflect on your family. As a Saotome
*woman*, you are obliged by giri to be the best woman you can be."
URD: Um, maybe you forgot. All Ranma's mortal obligations have been
broken. Including any duty to the Saotome family line.
Actually, Urd *should* be telling Nodoka this!
Why is she letting Nodoka continue with her false assumptions?
Apparently it's a serious issue, as far as Kami-sama is concerened.
[...]
Urd observed the Saotome matriarch appraisingly. <She's either going
to be a big help or a lot of trouble. I wish I knew which.> She
decided to save her student from an imminent meltdown.
I can tell you! She's gonna be trouble. :)
"And as soon as you finish your training," Nodoka happily supplied,
"I'll arrange for a few omiai."
Clearly Genma and Nodoka are a better match than anyone expected. ^_^
[...]
Urd nodded, smiled, and said, "Unless we make Akane a man, and
then..." She paused in thought.
Flee, Akane, flee!
*CLONK!* "OW!! Darn table... Senseeei, don't you even THINK about
it!" Ranma barked at Urd's legs.
She says that now, Akane, but I bet her tune changes
in a few more parts. Run now, while you can!
The Norn grinned insanely. "YES! I AM the Cupid of Love!!
OOOH-HO-HO-HOOOOO!!!"
RANMA-SAMA: As the "Cupid" of Love, doesn't that
mean you work for the Goddess of Love?
URD: Ah...
[...]
She clutched the bottle to her bosom, the glass clinking against the
metal studs on her jacket, and smiled happily. "There ya go, my
sweet. You'll stay with ol' Mara, won'tja?" She raised the bottle,
took a lengthy swig, and returned it to its cradle.
MARA: Hey, where'd ya go? The booze is all gone. It LEFT me!!!
[...]
"Jerk," Mara grumbled from the floor. She climbed back into her seat
with some difficulty and leaned heavily on the table, once she was
upright. "What do you want, anyway?"
Retsuji lowered his handkerchief. "About the apples of our eyes?"
suggest: It's about ... eyes.
(What Retusji says isn't a response to Mara's question.)
[...]
"Well, not to put too fine a point on it, but... yes." He paused,
then raised an eyebrow. "You don't seem to have fared any better."
"YOU shut up!"
"Are those bee stings?"
"SHUT IT!!"
RETSUJI: I never thought I'd say this, but hundreds of
small red welts all over your body suit you!
[...]
His eyes widening in understanding, Retsuji said, "That was a *very*
long time ago, Mara. About a thousand years, if I recall correctly.
I would've thought you would've gotten over him by now."
I'm pretty sure that there's no evidence that the Goddesses or
Mara are even thrity years old, let alone thousands of years.
[...]
"I know she did something to me last night, but what? I've never
felt anything like that before in my life... What a feeling! AND I
WANT MORE!!"
This man has a serious addiction problem. Is is possibly to make
some sort of patch for him? Step down his Ranma-sama dosage gradually?
[...]
"If..." Kodachi began, then hesitated before speaking again. "If it
were anyone but you, Megami-sama, that suggested such a thing, I
would flog her until she screamed." Belldandy flinched. "I... find
this difficult to believe, that my Ranma-sama, a paragon of manhood,
suffers from this malady. Are there... others?"
Ryouga froze.
"There are many throughout the world," Belldandy said.
"Others here, I mean."
Bits of a stone Ryouga cracked and flaked off.
Watch out, Ryoga, or Cologne might breaking point you. >:)
"Yes, child, there are," Cologne said. She briefly glanced at
Ryouga. "Perchance, have you seen a lavender-colored cat with dark
points and hair ornaments about?"
CATTY: We must collect the nega-energy at these dark points!
(suggest: small pink and purple cat)
[...]
"Watch yourself, Loony Bird! We ain't tangled yet, but I guarantee
you won't like the results!"
I'm putting my money on Kodachi. ^_^
[...]
Nothing was said, as the car seemed to follow a mildly convoluted
path upwards, if Ranma was any judge of aerial direction changes.
The music of a string quartet drifted out of the overhead speakers,
and Ranma found herself unconsciously relaxing to the airy strains
of the piece's slow movement. Thus, it jarred her when the elevator
smoothly stopped and the doors whispered open. Clutching her katana
and Ukyou's battle spatula to her protectively, taking some comfort
from the familiarity of things martial, she stepped into yet another
hallway. Even the satchel of potty-trainers lent something to her
confidence.
But of course. Potty trainers are *designed* to give people
confidence! :D
[...]
At the far end of the hallway, a large, unmistakably oaken desk sat
facing the visitors. Wide, thick, hammered bands of iron were
riveted into the wood in such a way as to both serve as part of the
fastenings and as part of the decoration. It was impressive in a
mountainous kind of way. The desk was topped with the ubiquitous
off-white computer monitor and keyboard and several papers in a neat
stack. A pottery cup held a few pencils and pens, while an ancient
quill pen and mount sat off to one side. The quill pen caught and
held the eye, and Ranma knew instinctively that it held some kind of
power.
The legendary Feather of Tickling!
[...]
"Well, come, come," the woman said in business-like tones. "Time
waits for no man... or goddess."
RANMA-SAMA: At least SOMEONE still calls me a man.
MOIRA: Actually, it's a figure of speech...
RANMA-SAMA: [sigh]
[...]
"Heh, heh, 'Ranko' is a mistake. My name's really Ranma...
Moira-sama." Ranma fell to fidgeting as Moira returned her gaze to
the computer.
"Ah..." She turned back to Ranma, her eyes boring into her. "So
you're saying the system made a mistake, hmmm?"
Oh, dear. ^_^
[...]
Urd burned red in embarrassment, but she had the presence of mind to
remember her manners.
"All-Father, may I present Saotome Ranma."
What, no, "Daddy" from Urd? ^_^
[...]
The man simply studied her, and Ranma finally fell through whatever
delay in comprehension she'd erected to preserve her center and
understood that this, this was Kamisama! Although she couldn't see
his eyes, Ranma could feel a subtle warmth flood through her brain.
All manner of memories and feelings were being turned over and
examined. A tsunami of panic welled up in her, and she felt every
bad thing she'd ever done stay turned over and rise up to confront
her, mocking her right to hold her godhead.
suggest: goddesshead
or better yet: divitity
[...]
Although that seemed bad enough, the worst by far was the suffering
she'd caused a certain young woman, who'd figured strongly in her
thoughts of the last year. She knew in her thoughts that their
teasing had some value as play between them, but she knew in her
heart that it also caused pain.
Heh. Ranma's worst nightmare: Being called to
Kamisama to answer for crimes against Akane.
[...]
"Ranma," His voice softly spoke, seeking out every corner of the
room, "if you so wish, you may return to mortal life. But I ask you,
what is the first duty of a martial artist?"
RANMA-SAMA: Eat whenever you can, since you don't
know when you'll get another opportunity.
KAMI-SAMA: ...
RANMA-SAMA: No no, wait! That's Pop's stupid idea.
KAMI-SAMA: [sighing with relief]
RANMA-SAMA: Never turn down a challenge!
KAMI-SAMA: [sighing with disgust]
RANMA-SAMA: Defeat monsters?
<Wha-What...?> Rubbing the backs of her hands over her eyes, she
blinked across the desktop at the hidden being. <I don't...
understand... the first duty?>
"Um... t-to protect those who c-can't protect themselves," she
recited from rote, her voice cracking.
RANMA-SAMA: No, I don't I've heard that one before...
^_^
[...]
"So, are you married, Moira-sama?" Nodoka had recovered a great deal
of her composure and quickly fell into the time-tested social arena
of The Tea.
Flee, Moira! She's going to arrange your marriage!
The woman is completely out of control!
MOIRA: Don't be silly; I'm already married.
NODOKA: But just to the ONE husband?
MOIRA: ...
[...]
Moira nodded wisely. "Yes, Fate can be a real problem, sometimes. So
can Destiny. You should meet *their* daughters. My goodness!"
They. MUST. Show. Up! 8)
[...]
"Yeah, you could say that. But... I'm glad. Welcome, student." Urd
kissed her on the forehead.
cap: Student
[...]
"There is a man," He said, "that will teach you the way of the
sword."
A card appeared in midair. Ranma reached up and brought it down,
reading the name and address. "This is... back home?"
One could almost sense an unseen eyebrow going up. "He is possibly
the finest swordsman on any plane, and his benefactor... owes me a
favor." There were volumes unspoken, but no clarification was
forthcoming. "Show him the card. Study well and learn. From him and
from Urd... and from others that you will happen upon."
I know it's not going to happen, but I SO want this to be Kuno. ;)
[...]
Urd was puzzling over Kamisama's last instructions. <"In future,
Ranma may want, or need, to know about avatars. You will understand
when the time comes.">
suggest: In the future
[...]
Their sojourn quickly ended before a large, oaken door. <What is it
with oak up here?> Ranma wondered. The title on the door read: Vice
President - Personnel.
I guess I'm not the only one who noticed all the oak. ^_^
[...]
"A- A- AKANE?!?!" Ranma's gaze darted to and fro, recognizing a
number of beloved facial features.
RANMA-SAMA: Oh my God, they killed you! They didn't want me having
any ties to the mortal world so they killed you and now you're
dead and in heaven!!
[...]
"Oh, hello!" The woman smiled at Ranma. "Um, no, child. My name's
Amaterasu."
RANMA-SAMA: The Goddess of the Sun is an uncute tomboy?
NODOKA: [flees]
Every ounce of blood drained from Ranma's face, her eyes swallowed
her skull, and her mouth started working without much guidance.
"Ama-- Ama-- Ama--"
Amaterasu nodded happily. "Amaterasu Oumikami. What's your name?"
I'm not sure how much of a parallel you're trying to draw between
Akane and Ama, here. I was almost expecting her to say "Want to be
friends?"
Now I'll just ponder on whether there's (a) some actual realationship
between Akane and the goddess that has some tie-in to the vaguely
mentioned avatars, (b) it's a reflection of the similarities in their
personalities or (c) you're setting up a (real or imagined) love
triangle that's really going to mess with Akane's jealousy and
insecurities.
AKANE: How can I complete with a goddess version of myself...?
[wallow in misery]
"AAAIIIIEEEEEEE!!!" Before everyone's astounded eyes, Ranma began
bouncing around in place, freezing for a split-second in various
poses, most of them penitent.
GENMA: Foolish boy! Use the Crouch of the Wild Tiger!
*Zip!* Bowing before Amaterasu. "Ack! Sorry!" *Zip!* Facing away
with warding signs. "Sorry!" *Zip!* Hands in claws beseeching the
sky. "Gah! Amaterasu!"
Hands in claws? [blink blink]
Then it got weirder.
Uh, yeah. A little too weird, perhaps...
[weirdness snipped]
"Oh! Her!" Amaterasu's eyes sparkled as she picked Ranma up from the
ground and looked her over. "Ooo! A nice native girl from back home!
How nice!" She looked Ranma up and down once. "Hai, she'll make a
fine sex goddess with a build like that."
THAT snapped Ranma out of it. "Hey! I'm a guy! ... EEP!
Akanemeratsu! EEP! I mean, Amane! Um..."
Mmm. Freudian slip.
I'm glad that Ranma is still always pointing out that he's a
guy, although the plot appears to be stacked against him...
"There, there, child." Amaterasu hugged her tight. "None of that.
You're one of us, now."
AKANE: Jealousy.... rising...
Ranma's eyes bulged at the thought of THE goddess from back home
calling her 'one of us'. But the sentiment was genuine, and Ranma
calmed slightly and weakly returned the hug. "Uh... thanks,
Amaterasu-sama."
Wow... Ranma *hugging* someone?
Must be that girl side taking over.
RANMA-SAMA: [shoves AMATERASU away] Ah... [coughs, attempts to
speak in a deep voice, and extends hand to shake] Nice
to meet you.
AMATERASU: Why you...
[...]
Amaterasu beamed sunlight at Ranma. "That's more like it!" She sat
Ranma down and noticed the third member of their party. She floated
over to Nodoka. "And what's your name, Dear?"
Nodoka was frozen.
"Dear?"
A stiff thump echoed in the room as Nodoka fell backwards, straight
as a board.
RANMA-SAMA: Wish I'd thought of that...
[...]
Their host settled onto the couch with Nodoka's head in her lap.
And she Nodoka woke up and discovered who her pillow was,
prompty had a heart attack and died.
[...]
Conversely, life on the kami-plane was starting to become a little
stagnant. For its own health, it needed a little shot of chaos now
and again. He'd been considering a number of possible remedies for
some little while, but as usual, circumstance, Fate, or Destiny,
whichever suited you, wrought a far better and more effective
solution.
KAMI-SAMA: Screw this. [speaks on intercom] Moira?
MOIRA: Yes, Sir?
KAMI-SAMA: Have Fate and Destiny report to my office.
Let's find out which one's responsible for this mess.
MOIRA: Right away, Sir.
He chuckled. Ranma was perfect beyond His expectations and would
indeed stir the pot and keep folks on their toes, none ever quite
knowing from which direction His will would next manifest. Yes, far
better to simply allow things and events to have their head.
And far more entertaining.
This sounds familiar. The secret is out.
Kami-sama is really... [pulls of mask]
RANMA CAST: Cologne!
COLOGNE-SAMA: Heh. Looks like the truth is out.
SHAMPOO: But Grandmother is here at Tendos'!
COLOGNE-SAMA: I'm Kami-sama. I can be wherever I want!
[...]
A spate of giggling from beyond her feet caused Nodoka to sit up and
look at a red-faced Urd and her matching daughter. Nodoka glared at
Ranma, and she shut up, although she was still having some
difficulty keeping a straight face.
Would Ranma-sama really laugh? I mean, it *is* his mother, and
he had his own goofy reaction. He'd completely sympathise with
her position.
[...]
"U-U-Ummm, I-I'm S-S-Saotom-m-me N-N-Nodoka... Amaterasusama!"
Nodoka bowed fully from the waist, placing her forehead on the
cushion.
[...]
"All r-r-right. If that is your will, Amaterasu-sama." Nodoka sat
stiffly, looking straight ahead.
Consider my comment on the consistency of honorifics restated.
Amaterasu tsked for the third time and sighed. "If Ranma-chan can
call me Ama-chan, so can her mother, ne?"
I'm beginning to find all this "Call me Xxx-chan" increasingly
weird. Would you go around telling people to call you "Davie"?
Or would you just ask them to not call you "Mr. Roeder"?
I'm also trying to figure out what the deal is with all the
cultures, here. Are they really running around "Norn country"
or not? In the manga, they're not called Norn; they're just
goddesses. The fact that you now have them side by side with
an actual Japanese goddess makes me wonder why Valkeries would
actually ask people to call them "Xxx-chan". Would they even
know what that means?
As for Ama, she's really being a b*tch. ^_^; It's her perogative
to tell people to call her what she wants, but as a Japanese
goddess, she's got to know how bad it would make people feel to
use a completly innapropriate honorific like that. She's using
her position to make Nodoka and Ranma-sama uncomfortable.
[...]
"Oh, it was so very nice to meet all of you!" Amaterasu beamed. She
gathered Ranma up in a hug. "I'm counting on you to do well for home
and country!"
For the Goddess of Sex "to do well for home and country" means
that she wants the population growth rate of Japan to soar. ;)
"Su-sure!" Ranma stuttered and exercised her manners. "Um, if you're
ever down, don't forget to drop by."
Amaterasu leaned back and held Ranma out at arm's length. "How
sweet! I just might!"
AKANE: Ranma. Who is this... person?
HAPPOSAI: Who cares? Swee-TO! [glomp]
[...]
Mara stood as straight as she could and leveled her current best
direct gaze at her companion. "Is your memory that bad? He looks
just like... just like..."
MARA: ...My old sempai!
DEMON SENSHI: [facefault]
[...]
Ukyou worked Shampoo's statement around in her head and discovered
the insult. "WHAT?! You sayin' I'm not an obstacle?! I'll show you,
you, you HUSSY!" She reached back again and groped for the
non-existent battle spatula. "DAMN! RYOOOOOUGAAAA!!!" she bellowed.
RYOGA: What am I, your personal serving boy, or something?
[grumble mutter]
[...]
The kendoist sat up and brandished his bokken. "I fight on!"
*Klonk!* Ukyou removed her fist from his head.
"That hurt, you know."
Ukyou snorted and walked away.
KUNO: Very well, since you have defeated me,
I will allow you to DATE me! [arms wide]
[...]
Well, I'm afraid to say that I had quite a few problems with
this installment. Beyond any comments listed above, I had
a sort of vague sense of dissatisfaction as I was reading.
I've spent a while trying to figure out why, and I think I
came up with the reason.
While you've done a good job describing awe-inspiring scenes of
beauty and scale, and the sense of mere mortals being dwarfed by
actual gods, I feel that it missed Fujishima's "characterization"
of heaven (if you can apply that term to a place).
Basically, he presents it as a bureaucracy; the biggest, most
powerful government agency. ^_^ It's a novel take on the
concept, and one that fits well with Japanese culture.
In the earlier parts of Accidental Goddess, those elements were
still strongly in place. Most notably, Ranma's divinity coming
from a computer glitch. I think everyone's heard of a story
where government records that are out of touch with reality.
"I'm sorry, but it says here that you're dead."
In this part, you've suddenly got different pantheons and
realities running around, huge armories, and Valkeries. That's
nothing like what I've come to expect from Oh! My Goddess!
I think you've done a good job identifying a major failing of
many crossovers, namely keep everyone up to date. When I read
the last installment of "Lines of Density," I couldn't help but
notice how much of it was just characters telling other
characters what the readers already knew.
The scenes with Belldandy were (conscious or not on your part)
a good poke at that sort of problem. Not to mention a good
way to address the issue now, so you won't have to repeatedly
play catch up later.
However, I'm not convinced of Belldandy's ability to prove
that she's a goddess to the Ranma cast. When she tried her
to convince Sayoko that she was a goddess, the best she got
was convincing her that she was a witch.
Now, Belldandy's trying to convince people that are already
completely comfortable with weird magic. Would they really
think only a goddess could do the things she can? Alternatively,
the ones who went to Jusendo might simply dismiss it. After
all, they've already *met* a god, and Ranma killed him. ^_^
You've done well sucking Ranma into the Oh! My Goddess world
and having him flailing around; I think it would be singularly
approproate for Belldandy to be sucked into the Ranma 1/2
world and find herslef flailing around with the completely
different mindset of the Nerima characters.
The new characters had plusses and minuses. I liked Moira.
God's having secretary is singularly appropriate for Oh!
My Goddess. I didn't really see the need to make her a
Valkerie, though. Similarly, I like the characterization of
Svava, a no-nonsense kind of girl, but wasn't too happy with
the buddy-buddy background with Urd.
Both are blatant prejudices on my part against things that
I've never seen in Oh! My Goddess!, be it Valkeries, or old
friends that we've somehow never heard about before.
Well, that's about it. Please feel free to pick apart my C&C
and take the parts you care about. I feel kinda crummy for not
being able to think of more nice things to say. ^_^;
Still, I'm looking forward to the next part. I want to see how
the new situation escalates the (ex) fiancees attempts to get
Ranma.
Later,
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"