Plot: You start three separate plots. Okay, so far, for a
chapter 1, as long as you know where you're going.
Plots 2 & 3 are too similar, though. And your last
sentence seems to make (at least) plot 2 irrelevant.
Characterization: Would be IC for everyone if they know
something we don't about Akane's disappearance. As
it is, everyone's reactions are fairly incomprehensible.
Proper paragraphing was already covered in previous C&C;
spelling and punctuation look okay.
IMO, you've got a few good ideas and seeds of stories here
which could really go somewhere. But the chapter we have
goes nowhere. You seem to be a very visual writer; try
focusing on your most striking images (improving their
description; inventing more of them).
I'm pretty new to writing, so if I could trouble you for a bit
of C&C, that would be incredibly appreciated.
No problem.
Damn it! Was Ranma's first thought as she woke up to a
very wet, cold sensation and her father standing over her,
wielding a bucket and grinning widely.
Bad start. This scene is all too familiar to your readers;
it would be more effective to start with a sentence which
causes your reader to think: "wow, what's going on here?"
See below for more on this.
sending him into lower earth orbit. "Kuso oyaji," Ranma
IMO, "l.e.o." is overused. Also, "kuso oyaji" is Japanese
for a concept which translates quite well; this will lose you
readers.
Five places, she noted sadly. Every day for the past few
weeks, Ranma always hoped there would be that sixth place
for breakfast.
Now, HERE's where you should have started the story: with
an exhausted Ranma (lost weight, bags under eyes) looking
at the breakfast table with a sad expression. As Allyn
observed, this is a very striking image.
Ever since Akane went to that party at her friend Sayuri's
house and disappeared. The Tendo family had put in a missing
person report to the police, put up signs around Nerima,
even ran an ad in the newspaper begging her to come back,
but to no avail.
Plausibility issues with this: Ranma would know EXACTLY
where Akane was last seen within hours of knowing that she's
missing. And, given that it _is_ Akane who's disappeared,
you probably ought to provide another sentence of witness
testimony anyway: "she started home from the party alone",
or "this crazy guy appeared on a flying horse and carried
her off" or "Sayuri and Yuka admitted that Akane had
confided a plan to run away from home" or whatever. Your
readers are perfectly justified in a _wide_ range of
assumptions, given the lack of info here.
Akane was gone, and Ranma knew that the sixth place at
the table would never be there again.
This would be quite effective if you placed a period after
"gone". As it is, you tend to lose the reader with the
rest of the sentence; this is _Ranma_ we're talking about.
Ranma doesn't quit, doesn't know how to spell never. If
Akane disappeared involuntarily, this is OOC for Ranma.
If Akane disappeared voluntarily, this _might_ be IC,
especially if you add something about Ranma obsessing that
the last thing he said to Akane before the disappearance
was uncomplimentary.
"Good morning, Ranma," She was snapped from her reverie
by Kasumi's bright and cheery greeting.
Kasumi and Nabiki are unaffected by Akane's disappearance?
The engagement hasn't been switched to one of them?
Well, not arguing really. The man in the suit was speaking
slowly and calmly, and Soun was sobbing, tears streaming
down his face forming a pool at his feet.
Again, if Akane's missing, Soun might not be capable of
even this much coherence.
and examined it. "Izuhara Takeshi. I'm with Tokyo's Urban Development
department. Basically, we need the land this house is on to
build a new expressway.
And dozens of houses on each side...
He walked out to the yard to see Ryoga standing on a rock
above the koi pond, looking angry as usual.
Ryouga never stands there; too much danger of falling in.
Tendos were going to lose their home? He and pop could handle
being homeless, they did it for a decade, but he couldn't just
leave the Tendos. They had become family to him. Kasumi and
Nabiki were in no shape to go on a training trip.
Think about turning this around: it might be very funny if
Ranma thought (and said so to Nabs and Kasumi) that the two
of them easily _could_ handle an extended training trip.
There was a flash, and the earth was no more.
Well. Short of just copying "Hitchhiker's Guide", I don't
really see where you're going with this story.