My comments##
DISCLAIMER:::
ALL comments are
In MY Opinion (IMO) ONLY.
Take what you find useful
and ignore the rest. ALL comments
are intended for the benefit of the story
and should NOT be taken as a criticism
of the author.
From:
RudeBoyTXM@aol.com | Block address
Date:
Mon, 27 Mar 2000 15:41:21 EST
Subject:
[FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma]Untitled
To:
ffml@fanfic.com
Greetings!
I am Rude Boy, and this is my first fic to be
posted to the FFML!
I'm
pretty new to writing, so if I could trouble you for a
bit of C&C, that
would
be incredibly appreciated. Thank you much, and (try
to) enjoy!
##An acknowledgment of the original series author
should be placed first. Something along the lines of:
The characters of the Ranma 1/2 universe are the
creation and possession of the brilliant
Rumiko
Takahashi. They belong to Rumiko Takahashi and
her
licensees (Shogakukan Inc., Kitty-Fuji TV,
Viz
Communications Inc.) No copyright infringement
is
intended.
=====================================
An Untitled As Of Yet Ranma Fic Chapter 1
By Rude Boy
<SNIP>
Five places, she noted sadly. Every day for the past
few weeks,
Ranma
always hoped there would be that sixth place for
breakfast. Ever since
Akane
went to that party at her friend Sayuri's house and
disappeared. The
Tendo
family had put in a missing person report to the
police, put up signs
around
Nerima, even ran an ad in the newspaper begging her to
come back, but
to no
avail. Akane was gone, and Ranma knew that the sixth
place at the table
would
never be there again.
##Ummm, this has all been done before. EXCEPT, the
empty place at the
table. Nice touch but you should _start_ with that.
Otherwise you run the
risk of losing your reader.
I'm also not convinced that:
1)Ranma would be asleep in his own bed with Akane
missing
2)That they would give up after only a few weeks.
This does not seem reasonable either from manga/anime
OR from Real Life.
People spend weeks, months, _years_ looking for a lost
child or loved one.
They set up command posts and mortgage their homes to
pay for detectives.
This _might_ work if it were, say, six months after
Akane disappears
and you show everyone exhausted from constant
searching. This doesn't even
show the effort I put into looking for my cat. (48
hours straight looking. I found
her too. ^_^ well, actually I took a neighbors cat out
into the woods. It cried and
my cat followed the sound to us. but the principle is
the same. ^_~)
<SNIP>
He stepped outside, leapt up to the roof of the house,
and
waited
for his father to reenter the atmosphere.
##I liked the line about waiting for his father to
reenter the atmosphere.
Other than that, still nothing new. AND the mood still
doesn't seem to fit
Akane being missing. Generally when Akane is missing
half of Nerima
seems to take off looking for her and they don't stop
until they find her.
NOT that you can't do it differently. It's just that
it doesn't "feel" right.
It's rather, "ho, hum, Akane has vanished from the ken
of mortal man.
Is there any miso soup left?" Just a little too blase
for my taste.
<SNIP>
"Oh,
Ranma! It's terrible!!" Soun's next words were
incomrehensible through
his
sobbing. Exasperated with the old man, Ranma turned to
the man in the
suit
for an explanation. "Let me explain," the man said.
"My card." Ranma
took it
and examined it. "Izuhara Takeshi. I'm with Tokyo's
Urban Development
department.
##Ministry of Construction or Road Council
(sub-section of
the Ministry)
http://www.moc.go.jp/eng/eng/index.htm
http://www.jinjapan.org/jd/org/002002004.html
I don't know specifically about Japanese laws
concerning condemnation of buildings for road
construction.
However I do recall a news report several years ago
about
a big construction project that was halted because a
70+ year
old woman refused to move and there was no legal way
to break
her lease. (the news report concerned the quasi-legal
ways the
construction company used, playing loud music,
blocking her
drive-way, tipping over her trash, etc). And
construction on a major
airport was delayed ten years because the people
living their didn't want
to move. (they delayed construction by fire-bombing
the construction
and firing anti-tank rockets into the site)
This section seems just a little flat. I think it's
just too close
to being a cut and paste from Hitchhiker. It's always
better to
use your own words. The few places where you've
deviated from
the original Ranma or Hitchhiker are very nice. Don't
be afraid
to explore uncharted territory. Readers want to see
YOUR writing.
Basically, we need the land this house is on to build
a new
expressway. Soun turned back to Takeshi. "You can't do
this! I won't
let
you!" He yelled, still sobbing. Ranma was about to
question Takeshi
again
when he heard a familiar voice from the yard: <SNIP>
It seemed hopeless. "When did you notify us of this?"
Ranma asked
Takeshi. "The documentation was on display at city
hall for 6 months,"
he
responded tritely. "The documentation was in the
basement, down a
broken
staircase, in a locked closet with a sign that said
'Beware of the
Leopard'!"
##Ummm, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?
That humor was set in the U.K. For a crossover or
fusion the humor should be geared more toward Japanese
culture, not a direct transplant.
<SNIP>
Ryoga began pressing a complicated sequence of buttons
on the device.
"Ranma,
there's no time. Look up." He complied, and found an
armada of very
large,
yellow, lumpy flying objects floating overhead. They
filled the sky as
far as
he could see. "What the hell are those!?" he howled.
"Vogons," Ryoga
answered. "They've come to destroy the earth."
##Now Ryouga as the "alien" is cute. Especially as an
alien who
"wanders" around the galaxy. This seems to fit very
well.
As if prompted by
Ryoga's
remark, the ships made their announcement, using every
speaker in the
world
to transmit their message. "We regret to inform you
that your planet is
scheduled for destruction to make way for a new
interstellar
expressway. The
documentation was on display at Alpha Centauri 5 for
the past century."
The
speaker of the message paused. It seemed that someone
had achieved
communication with the ships. "What do you mean, you
haven't achieved
interstellar travel yet?" The voice resounded through
the world.
"Sorry
little planet, you deserve to be destroyed. Have a
nice day." There was
a
flash, and the earth was no more.
##A nice idea and some clever spots. However too much
is repetitive, a
re-hash of both Ranma and HGttG. My suggestion is to
re-think the
entire concept. Use Ranma and HGttG as the "seed" for
your story.
Do NOT try to follow either one so closely. Avoid
"stock" situations such
as Genma and Ranma fighting over the koi pond, Kasumi
saying "oh my", etc.
Readers have seen this before. Show them something new
or at least in a new way.
The idea of Ryouga as an alien "hitchhiker" is
irresistible, IMO.
Good luck. I hope this has helped. If you'd like more
input
please feel free to e-mail me. ^)*
=====
"When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
"A man is a small thing, and the night is large
and full of wonders." -Lord Dunsany
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