This is a revised version of the MSTing I posted a week ago. Special thanks to
Zoogz for helping me go over it again. Any C&C is greatly appriciated as
always. :)
Sincerely,
Megane 6.7
*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)
EPISODE 26: 9-BALL DREAMS PT. 1
(A Sailor Moon Lemon Crossover MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Sailor Moon" is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all the
distributors of her work.
"9-Ball Dreams" is the property of Mr_Jazz and he's welcome to it. I
do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as
another form of C&C. It's all meant in good fun. ;)
(Note: The original unMSTed version of "9-Ball Dreams" can be found at
"A Sailor Moon Romance". See link at the end of the MSTing.)
Warning: This fic contains mature content. If you are offended by such
material, simply delete it and it's gone. If not, enjoy!
(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!
Joel:
(OH....MY....GODDESS!!!)
Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)
(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)
We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)
(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT:
'Text only'?
Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'
Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'
CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
* * *
THE HOLOCABANA
20:00 HOURS
"Last time on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire....'"
Joel Robinson was cool, calm and collected as the spotlights
rotated in readiness for the next question. He was doing especially well,
having kept all three of his lifelines and ascended to the next to last
question. Provided that the pressure didn't get to him, Joel would soon
be a very rich man....
Regis Philbin took a moment to oil up his tie before
proceeding to the next question. "All right, Joel, this question is worth
five hundred thousand dollars! Here we go!"
Suspenseful Gregorian chanting filled the air as Regis read the
question from his viewscreen.
('In the movie "Spaceballs", what is written on the bumper sticker of
Spaceball One?')
A: WE LUV URANUS B: MAY THE SCHWARTZ BE WITH YOU
C: WE BRAKE FOR NOBODY D: IN TOD WE TRUST
Joel smiled, a look of nostalgia washing over his face, as he replied.
"Well, Regis, my father and I used to spend hours together watching...."
"Hey, Joel? How's about you shut your big fat trap and answer
the question already!" Regis interrupted with an annoyed look on his face.
"Geez, you wanted in surgery or something?" Joel retorted.
"Nobody cares about your life story. Just answer the frigging
question!" Regis growled.
"Okay, okay. My answer is C...." Joel grumbled.
"Is that your final answer?" Regis asked.
"Ask me again and I'll tell you the same," Joel replied calmly.
Regis glanced down at his fingernails for a few moments, then
looked up at the ceiling, studying it for a minute or so, humming quietly
to himself, before glancing in Joel's direction.
"You're sure now?"
"Very sure," Joel replied.
Regis raised an eyebrow at him. "Undoubtedly and Unequivocally?"
"Both those and then some." Joel nodded.
"Well, Joel, you're absolutely... right! You've won five hundred
thousand dollars, Joel, and you've still got all three of your lifelines! Are
you ready to go for the million?
"You bet, Regis!" Joel exclaimed.
The music flared dramatically as the lights once again rotated
downwards. A moment later, there was the sound of sparks and one of the
lamps abruptly fell to the studio floor with a loud crash.
Regis was utterly unruffled as he remarked. "Hey, that was
bound to happen, someday... Let's get right to it, Joel! This is for all the
marbles! Here we go!
('What was the first movie to ever have Al Pacino and Robert deNero
appear on-screen at the same time?')
A: GODFATHER: PART II B: HEAT
C: FRANKIE AND JOHNNY D: CARLITO'S WAY
Joel looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well, I can eliminate two
choices right off the bat... but I'm not 100% sure which of the remaining
two is right. So I'm going to use the 50/50 lifeline...."
"Okay, please have the computer remove two of the choices," Regis
requested as choices A and C disappeared from the board.
"Oh yeah, I definitely know what the answer is now!" Joel exclaimed.
"Very well, what's your answer?" Regis asked.
"Not so fast, Regis. After all, I've still got two lifelines left. Might
as well use them, right?"
"Uh, well, if you don't really need to...." Regis said, concerned.
"Let's see... I think I'll phone my friend, Tony...." Joel said as
the sound of a phone ringing could be heard. A few moments later, the
other line picked up.
"Tony's Pizza! Can I have you telephone number please?" a voice
rang out from the speakers.
"Hey Tony! I'll have my usual order! And send the bill to
Regis Philbin! He's good for it!"
"Pizza?!?" A stunned Regis exclaimed. "Now, wait just a....!"
"Hey, what I can say? Answering trivia questions on national
television makes me hungry!" Joel exclaimed as the phone line went dead.
"Well... all right, I guess if I can show my lizard feet on national
television, I can let you order pizza," Regis joked while the studio
audience laughed.
"Great! Now I want to use my last lifeline and ask the audience!"
Joel said.
"Okay then... Audience, which one of the two remaining choices
do you think is the right answer? Vote now!"
There was a long pause, the floor lights blinking in sequence as
the audience gave their answers. "All right, let's see how the audience
voted!
B: HEAT 49%
D: CARLITO'S WAY 51%
"Wow! That's pretty darn close!" Regis marveled, a slightly
smug look on his face. "Are you sure you know the right answer, now?"
"Huh? Joel looked up from a pocket novel he was reading. "Of
course, I'm not worried. I know exactly what the answer is."
"Well, let's hear it then, Joel." Regis asked.
"No problem. The correct answer is... say, Regis, what's your
thoughts about Kathy Lee retiring so abruptly?"
"Uh, heheh, that's very funny, Joel. Now, your answer, please?"
Regis insisted.
"Oh, sorry about that. Anyway, my answer is... did you catch
last week's episode of Greed? Wow, talk about an awesome show!"
"Joel! Your answer!" Regis snapped.
"Hold your horses, I'm getting to it! Without a doubt, the first
film that ever had Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro together on the same
screen was... hey, my shoelaces are untied!" Joel bent down to tie his
shoes....
"ARRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!!! WILL YOU JUST ANSWER
THE GOL-DARNED, DAB-NATTED, GOLLY-GEE-WHIZ BANGED
ANSWER?!?" Regis screamed in pure frustration.
"D."
"What?!?" Regis gasped, out of breath.
"D. My answer is D." Joel replied calmly.
"Oh, thank god!" Regis collapsed into his chair, sighing with relief.
"Is that your final answer?"
"Well, now that you mention it...." Joel began, only to be interrupted
by the voice of Gypsy crackling over the P.A. System. "Um, Joel, sorry to
interrupt, but Hawkeye and B.J are calling...."
"On my way!" Joel called out as he turned his attention back to the
fuming Regis. "Well, it's been fun, but I've got to be going...."
"Wait! You still haven't told me if D is your final answer!" Regis
gasped.
"Well, D is my answer. But B would be my final answer," Joel
replied with a innocent smile.
"J-Judges...." Regis spat, nearly choking on his own fury as confetti
began falling from the ceiling while the music trumpeted Joel's victory.
"Well, you're right, Joel! You win the million dollars!
Congratulations! Now G-GET OFF MY SHOW!!!" Regis sobbed, almost
in tears as he tore at his hair in frustration, only to have the wig come loose
in his hands.
"Okay, I guess I've tortured you enough. No hard feelings?"
Joel asked as he extended his hand to Regis.
"Well... okay." Regis sniffled as he accepted Joel's handshake.
"At least you're not as sadistic as Crow or Tom. You wouldn't BELIEVE the
sadistic things they put me through...." he added sadly while attempting
to fix his crumpled hairpiece.
"I'll tell them to take it easy on you next time!" Joel called out
as he walked out of the Holocabana, the doors sliding shut behind him.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Joel walked up to the bridge to find Tom and Crow waiting for
him. The image of Dr. Forrester filled the viewscreen as he scowled in
their general direction.
"It's about time you got here, Jayce! Time for you and your
Wheel Warriors to make with this weeks invention exchange!"
"Okay, sir, just give me a second to set it up...." Joel replied
as he walked over to the counter.
"Well, make it snappy! Frank's got a souffl� in the oven and
I've still got to saut� the cherries jubilee...."
"Sounds extravagant. Expecting company?" Tom asked.
"Just buttering up some higher uppers from Evilos. I figure by
the time they're done with the mixed cocktails, we'll have our grant!" Dr.
Forrester chuckled gleefully. "So, what have you got for us today, Joey?"
Joel gestured at a computer sitting on the counter. "Well, sir, you
remember way back when I invented 'Pretty Spammy?' It was a program
that replicates any spam e-mail sent to it a thousand times and sends them
all back to the sender?"
"Yes, yes, what about it?" Dr. Forrester snapped, impatient.
"Well, I've invented something similar for Hotmail.com users
that teach the spammer a lesson but also lets them know that there are no
hard feelings. I call it 'Hugmail.com' Now, every time someone sends
a spam e-mail to my Hotmail accounts, I just send them a nice snuggly
huggly! Give it a try!
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Forrester look puzzled as he walked over to his computer and
forwarded a spam e-mail he had received a few minutes ago to Joel's hotmail
account. A few moments later, two furry arms suddenly reached out of the
monitor and grabbed Dr. Forrester in a fierce bearhug. "ACK! W-WHAT
THE HELL IS THIS?!? JOEL, STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!!" Dr. Forrester
screeched as he was yanked against the monitor by the arms in a friendly,
enthusiastic hug.
A loud guffaw burst from Crow as he lost it, Tom following a moment
later. Even Joel couldn't stop himself from chuckling as Dr. Forrester tried
desperately to free himself, glaring daggers at the viewscreen.
"You'll pay for this, Joel! You and your little bots, too....!" Dr.
Forrester gasped as he finally managed to slip out from underneath the hug
and quickly scooted out of range before the arms could grab him again.
"What's all the racket back there?!?" Frank angrily yelled as
he walked in, dressed in a chef's hat, apron and oven mitts. "My souffl� fell!
It's completely ruined now! Oh well, I guess I'll have to substitute muffins
instead...."
"Muffins?!? Are you out of your mind?!?" Dr. Forrester was beside
himself with panic.
"Hey!" Frank replied indignantly. "Have you seen the *Muffin Man*
at work?"
Dr. Forrester groaned while rubbing his temples. "Frank, you always
pick the worst...." he began, only to be interrupted by the sound of a
doorbell.
"Oh, that must be the waiter I hired for the evening. Come in, the door's
open!"
The haunting yet familiar sound of repetitive clarinet music swept into
the room as the door slowly opened to reveal a strange looking man with
enormous knees, dressed in a powder blue polyester tuxedo. "I aM tOrGo.
I tAKe CArE oF ThE dRInkS wHiLe tHe mAStEr iS aWAy...." he warbled.
"Hey, Torgo! Long time no see! How'd the Blair Witch Sequel thing
work out?" Frank cheerfully inquired.
"Oh my god, don't tell me you're the only one the agency could spare!?!"
Dr. Forrester exclaimed in disbelief.
"wHy NoT? I aM a GradUaTe oF DeVry wITh deGReEs iN...."
"N-Never mind! Just get the Tupperware and start setting the table!
Frank, send those clods from space the fanfic while I take care of the jubilee!"
Dr. Forrester sprinted towards the kitchen while Frank strolled over to the file
cabinet and picked out a fanfic.
"Hokay, let's see, your experiment this week is...." Frank glanced at
the title page. "...'9-Ball Dreams' by Mr_Jazz. Hey, I think you've had him
before...." Frank remarked as he fed the fanfic into the machine. "It's a
Sailor Moon Lemon and it stars Ami Andersen, Tom Cruise and Paul
Newman!"
"WHAT?!?" Joel and the bots exclaimed in disbelief.
"Yep, that's what I said, a Sailor Moon lemon! Haven't had one
of those in a while, eh? Oh, and can I ask you guys a favor? Could you
try to look a little more discouraged than usual when you leave the theater
today? It'll make us look good for Evilos! ABCeeing ya!" Frank winked as
the viewscreen cut out.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Joel and the bots were still shaking off the shock of Frank's
announcement when alarms wailed and multicolored lights flashed.
"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT LEMON SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you
move on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
9-Ball Dreams
Tom: ...of taking the 8-Ball from behind.
(Part One)
- by Mr_Jazz
Joel: Based on an original idea by Mr_Tambourine Man.
* * * *
Crow: Starring the cast of Hee Haw!
The following work of Sailor Moon fiction is rated "H" for Hentai.
Tom: Dang, and here I was hoping it was for "Humus".
Joel: Nice of Mr_Jazz to give us some preparation for H.
If you are under 18 (21 in some states) and/or are
offended by literature of a sexually explicit nature, then
please close your internet browser now..
Tom: You mean they can't use the internet at all unless they're old
enough to read *YOUR* story? You've got some nerve!
Otherwise, sit back and enjoy
Crow: ...falling backwards off your chair and landing in a heap on the floor.
This story is a cross over with "The Hustler" starring Paul Newman
(Eddie Phelson) and Jackie Gleason (Minnesota Fats),
Tom: Somehow I can't picture Paul Newman with manga eyes.
Joel: Let's just pray he keeps his spaghetti sauce out of this.
and "The Color of Money" starring Paul Newman and Tom Cruise
(Vincent Lauria).
Crow: Wait a minute! Paul Newman and Tom Cruise played the same character?
Both of these movies are available at your local video store and I highly
recommend them. Both "The Hustler" and "The Color of Money"
are trade marks of some big movie producing company,
Tom: <Mr_Jazz> However, if you want copyright of this story, I'll be
expecting the big bucks by morning, capeesh?
and I am not claiming any credit for their creation. I am merely borrowing
them for a little while.
Joel: All right, but remember it's a quarter for every day they're overdue!
Please send all questions, comments and PRACTICAL criticism
Crow: So the questions and comments don't have to be practical?
Tom: <reader> Why can't we float up into the air whenever we feel like it?
There wasn't nearly enough r's and f's in your story, you know! Do you think
green looks good on me? You should have used three stars for your scene
changes! THREE!!!
to "mrjazz_@hotmail.com".
Crow: Should that be mr_jazz@hotmail.com?
Tom: Miles Davis fan must've grabbed that one.
I will be more than happy to reply.
Joel: <Mr_Jazz> Hell, I'll be ecstatic!
Megane 6.7, if you're reading this, feel free to MST it, and
please, make it good!!! I nearly died laughing at the MST
you did for "Trapped"!
Joel: <Megane 6.7> Okay, but you die laughing at this one, I won't
be held responsible! ;P
One last thing; due to the nature of the cross-over I am
forced to use the horrible NA Sailor Moon dub names.
I apologize profusely for this,
Tom: <teacher> Apologies will get you nowhere! Now you march right
off to detention, young man!
and in my next fic, "The Spirit of Formula One", I will use the original
names that we all know and love.
Crow: His next fic is a crossover with Sailor Moon and NASCAR?
Joel: Better then a crossover with Stroker Ace.
Tom: <Reynolds> Hey there little girl, my old wife was an Anderson too,
wanna try the Bandit's stick shift?
Joel: Ick....
* * * *
Tom: Ah, those must be the stars WCW let go.
Joel: At least for this month.
It had been a hard day for Ami Andersen.
Joel: How hard was it? So hard it left a bruise on her forehead!
Ba-da-BOOM!
Crow: Ami? Hey, I thought Mr_Jazz was going to use the NA names?
She found herself sitting at a 98% average in Mathematics instead of
her planned 125%.
Tom: Uh, Ami, you can't exceed 100%, you know? Are you CERTAIN
you didn't cheat on your exams?
She had also been picked on more than usual, and Lita had been forced
to start kicking some asses, which only upset her more.
Joel: <Lita> Damn it! No matter how many people I beat the crap out of,
it just gets me more and more UPSET!!! ARRRRGH!!!
Now, Lita and Ami were headed back to Ami's house so they could study
for a big test tomorrow.
Tom: <Ami> Uhhhh... 118%? 115%? No, wait, don't tell me... 112%!
Crow: <Lita> Hoo boy, this is going to be an all-nighter....
"I really wish that you would stop beating people up every time they say
something derogatory to me. It really isn't necessary as I stopped caring
a long time ago," Ami said as they rounded the corner onto the street that
the "Crown Arcade" was located.
Joel: <Ami> After all, I'll be a millionaire by age 25 and they'll be stuck in
depressing, dehumanizing corporate jobs!
"Well, yeah, but nobody deserves to be treated the way you
are; and you really don't stand up for yourself at all," Lita replied.
Crow: <Lita> Come on, Ami! Let me be your thug!
"Maybe," Ami sighed, "but in future, could you try and refrain from
violence. It really isn't necessary at all." Before Lita had a chance to
reply, Ami thrust her arm forward
Tom: *POW!*
Joel: <Ami> Now then, no more violence or I'll sock you one again!
and pointed at a crowd gathered across the street
>from the Arcade. Lita noticed it too, and they both broke
into a run to see what was going on.
Tom: <Lita> Hey! That looks like Mina! And she's being kidnapped!
As the two girls approached (and barged their way to the front of the crowd)
Crow: Heh, so much for not using violence.
Joel: <Lita> *POW!* Everybody out of Ami's way! *SOCK!*
Shove off! *WHAM!* Hey lady, move it or lose it! *BIFF!* Make
tracks, granny! *THUMP!*
they saw that the event was the opening of a new Billiards Hall right there
across from the Arcade. A table was set up on the sidewalk and two men
battled it out over a game of Pool.
Joel: <Jackie Gleason> Damn wind! My balls won't stay still!
Crow: Must be Drew Carrey's pool table.
Their game was really an American game called 9-Ball, in
which the balls are racked in a diamond formation, then sunk
in numerical order ascending from one to nine.
Tom: As opposed to 5-ball, where the balls ricochet against the skull of
your opponent in numerical order....
Ami had always dismissed the game as a mere example of simple
physics and geometry, but now, as she saw the crowd cheering as the
two men slammed the balls into the pockets in a race for the nine,
something captivated her.
Crow: Ami never could resist men slamming each other's balls.
There was a sudden shriek from a microphone being turned on,
Tom: The microphone had an orgasm?
and as most of the people turned to see what was going on,
Joel: Easily distracted crowd, aren't they?
Tom: <Homer Simpson> That dog has a puffy tail!
Ami just continued starring, studying the table. When the 9-Ball was
sunk, she applauded enthusiastically. Then she turned to face the podium.
Crow: <Ami> GAH?! Man, I hate it when inanimate objects suddenly
appear in front of me!
A man with white hair who looked to be in his middle fifties
stood at the podium and motioned for silence. When he got
it, he began his speech.
Tom: I'll bet it's Leslie Nielsen. That guy's in EVERYTHING.
Joel: <man> Hello, my name is Patrick and I took out Life Insurance....
"Ladies and gentlemen, what you have just witnessed is a
north American game called 9-Ball.
Crow: <man> ...for those of you that were spaced out during the previous
description....
As Billiards has not yet fully caught on in Japan, we of the Billiards
Congress of America or the BCA have made it our mission to promote
this fine sport throughout Japan and the rest of Asia.
Tom: <man> And when we say promote, we mean spread like a bad social disease.
My name is Eddie Phelson,
Joel: <Eddie> ...and I'm a billiard-holic.
Crow & Tom: HI, EDDIE!
and I have trained some of the worlds finest players from Vincent here,"
he said motioning to a man who looked to be in his mid twenties and
boasted an elaborate looking cue.
Crow: John de Lancie?
"To Canada's Stan Torangeau, to Ronnie O'Sullivan of the United Kingdom.
Tom: ...to Phillip Banks and his trusty Lucille in Bel Air.
Now, these names may not mean very much to you now,
Joel: <Eddie> ...and when you're hopelessly in debt from gambling losses,
they'll mean even less....
but as anyone of you begins to play, they will seem as big as your Sailor
Moon super heroine."
Tom: Yes, when you think of long wooden sticks and hard shiny balls, think
SAILOR MOON!
The audience, including Lita and Ami, went ballistic at the mention of Sailor
Moon.
Joel: So pool players are all SM fanboys?
Tom: And what's with Lita and Ami?
Crow: <Lita> OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod, h-he said SAILOR MOON!!!
AHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Then, Eddie continued his speech in a tone which almost made you
want to go out any buy everything there was to buy about Billiards
before you even knew how to play.
Joel: Unfortunately, Eddie's dead-on voice impression of James Earl Jones
failed at the last moment due to a hacking cough.
"Today, at the opening of this grand building, Phelson Billiards, I
would like to invite you all to come in and play for free,
Crow: <Eddie> But hey, dream on people! 10 bucks a head!
and I hope we can spread the popularity of this great game throughout
the world."
All: <Eddie> Heh... heh heh... mwa heh heh BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
The crowd applauded and as the doors opened, Ami and Lita
were swept inside with the movement of the crowd.
Tom: Ha! Where's your thug, NOW, Ami?
When they finally met up, they looked like they had been trampled in a
stampede.
Crow: So, Japanese people are basically starved for entertainment?
Before either of the two had a chance to say anything, them
found themselves in awe at the vastness of the hall.
Bots: <Lita and Ami> Aww....
Joel: <narrator> I said Awe, a-w-e....
Bots: <Lita and Ami> Ohh....
A wall chart boasted that the hall had over 20 8-Ball tables (3 1/2 feet
by 7 feet), over 40 9-Ball tables (4 1/2 by 9 feet) and 15 Snooker tables
(6 by 12 feet).
Crow: <Hoffman> Yeah, definitely, definitely 75 tables, yeah, and one, two,
yeah, definitely two balls, and....
Tom: <Newman> I thought I told you not to bring him.
Joel: <Gleason> Me? I thought YOU invited him?
When Ami finally said something, Lita agreed totally.
Crow: <Ami> Wanna try bungee jumping? There's a 146% chance we
both won't fall to our deaths....
"Wanna play?"
The two girls walked up to an available table which was
nearest the bar, table 12.
Crow: <Lita> Great, I could use a belt about now. Be right back, Ami....
Joel: <Ami> Take it easy, Lita. Remember what happened the last time?
Crow: <Lita> What? I just sang a few harmless songs!
Joel: <Ami> You call 'DIE, he must DIE, my ex-boyfriend must DIE!' a
harmless little song?
Crow: <Lita> Hey, at least I kept my clothes on this time!
The table was already racked for 9-Ball, and there was a cue rack nearby.
Both girls
Tom: ...also had a nice pair of racks.
selected a cue at random,
Joel: <Ami> I'll take Exit, Stage Right!
and then figured out that the little blue cubes on the rack were to rub
against the cuetip from a sign posted behind the rack.
Tom: ...right after they put the cubes in their mouths and exclaimed, "Hey!
This ain't sugar!"
Joel: <Lita> You know, it might not be sugar, but watch... my face slides
off now... Whoaaaaa....
It also explained the rules of 9-Ball. After a couple of minutes, they had
the game half figured out.
Joel: <Ami> Which would be 75%, right?
Crow: <Lita> Oh shut up and hike the ball already... hut-hut!
"Do you want to break, or do I?" asked Ami to Lita.
"I'll break," Lita replied, "if that's alright."
Crow: <Lita> WHAM, WHAM, WHAM! Stupid balls, CRACK,
damn you, CRACK!!!
Ami just motioned to the table and Lita positioned the cue
ball perpendicular to the 1-ball at the head of the diamond.
Her cue was a Dufferin 20oz,
Joel: 560 grams for the metric zealots out there....
and when Lita made the initial shot, she only clipped the cue ball and
sent it flying into the side pocket.
All: <start scratching themselves>
Both girls broke into hysterical laughter.
Tom and Crow: <girls> BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HEheheheha ahem
hah... snort... heh... ha... sniff....
Joel: S'fun.
"Lita, you're so talented! That was the finest break I've ever seen!."
Crow: <Lita> Ha ha ha! <mutters> Yeah, I'll give you a break, smart-ass....
"OK brainiac, you try!" Lita shot back handing Ami the
cueball. Ami looked at the diamond, and estimated the ball
weight in her hand.
Tom: <snickers>
Crow: AHEM, that's... quite a talent that girl's got there....
Then she took into account the distance to the rack, the force of gravity
and friction, angle of the balls and tightness of the rack.
Tom: <starting choking as he struggles to contain his laughter>
Crow: <Ami> That reminds me, I wonder what Greg's doing later tonight?
Joel: <Lita> Wow! That technique reminds me of what I used to do for my
old boyfriend!
All of this in 2 seconds, then she positioned the cueball, pulled back,
and let 'er rip.
Tom: <imitates a rude yet familiar noise>
Crow: <Jar Jar Binks> How rude.
The cueball thrust into the group of nine like a freight
train, sending out a sound-wave that could be heard all
throughout the hall.
Tom: ...shattering all the windows within a ten block radius and causing
car alarms to wail for miles around....
Crow: Is it 9-Ball... or is it Memorex?
Many games stopped to look at their table, as the 2 rolled into a side
pocket, and the 3, 4, 6, and 9 all rolled into the bottom two pockets.
Joel: Beginner's luck?
Tom: Author's whim.
Joel: Ah....
All but one of the remaining balls rolled down towards Ami.
Tom: The lone surviving ball vowing vengeance against the blue haired
mathematician....
Joel: <pool ball> I'll be back, just you wait....
"Holy shit," Lita said under her breath. Some people at the
tables next to them applauded, others looked jealous, and
some gave her the fluke look.
Crow: So she swore a little. Big deal.
Tom: Still others gave her the dreaded albino nose weasel look, which
took some doing and caused severe hemorrhaging, but it got the point
across, darn it!
That's when Ami felt a tap on the shoulder. She turned around to see
the man that was referred to by Eddie as Vincent, and he had his
elaborate cue with him.
Crow: <Ami> My, what an... <blush> ...elaborate cue you've got there.
Lita: Wow, it's almost as elaborate as my old boyfriend's cue!
"Hi," he said, holding out his hand, "name's Vincent. I just saw your break."
Tom: <Vincent> And I noticed it was done with a rather ordinary cue.
Allow me show you what the aid of a laser sight, infrared scanner and
vibrator functions can do for MY game....
Ami blushed slightly. "Really," she managed to squeak out, as her
teenage heart melted at the looks of this total hunk.
Crow: <Ami> *BRAAAAACK!!!* Sorry, just a little heartburn there.
"Yeah," Vincent said, "that was phenomenal. Can you do it again?"
Crow: <Ami> Well, I can try but it'll hardly have the same reverb, got any soda?
"I'm not sure, I think it was just..."
Thats when Lita stepped in. "Lita Kino," she said shaking
Vincent's hand, "nice to meet you, can I talk to my friend
for a second."
Joel: <Ami> Ohh! You forgot to phrase it in the form of a question.
However, you'll receive this lovely complimentary gift: a beating from Lita!
Without waiting for a reply, she grabbed Ami by the arm and dragged
her out of earshot.
"What are you doing?" Ami asked, as she tried to free Lita's hand from
her arm.
Crow: <Lita> Breaking your arm, my last paycheck bounced.
"Ami, that guy is a complete hunk, and you were about to tell him you
got lucky. Get back there and break those balls again."
Tom: YEAH! Take Cruise down a peg or three! Break those balls!
"I'm not sure that I can."
Joel: <Ami> What do I look like? Don Rickles?
Lita was becoming exasperated. "Look Ami, I know you
calculated quite deeply to get the balls to split the way
they did, so just do it again."
Crow: <Lita> Now if you could only find a way to prevent split ends....
Before Ami had a chance to protest, Lita was dragging her
back to the table.
Tom: <Lita> Wanna see what I bring to the table?
Ami picked up her cue and positioned the que-ball just as Vincent was
finished racking.
Joel: Que-ball?
Tom: Si, Senor Fawlty!
He motioned for Ami to break. She went through her calculations
again, and adjusted to maximize the ball breakage.
All: <frantic> GET ON WITH IT!!!
Then she placed the neck of the cue between her thumb and forefinger,
pulled back, and thrust forward.
Joel: <Ami> Owwww! Splinter! Splinter!
The 1, 7, and 8 went down. Once again, people at the surrounding
tables began to gave her the fluke look.
Crow: <Ami> Lita, be a dear and hurt them please.
Vincent applauded. "Wow," he said as he clapped, "you are amazing.
Here listen, how about you come back here tomorrow, and I'll give you
some pointers."
Tom: <Vincent> *Elaborate* pointers... they even glow in the dark.
Ami was taken back, and at the same time felt embarrassed that Lita
was not receiving the same invitation.
Crow: Then she remembered that she was the star of this lemon and
stopped caring altogether.
She expected Lita to be fuming, but instead she was smiling.
Tom: ...as she opened her blouse to reveal several packs of dynamite
strapped to her body.
She mouthed for Ami to accept and she did.
Joel: <Lita, mouthing> Now ask him if he's into the m�nage!
"Sure," she said, as she shook Vincent's hand, "I'll be here."
"Great," Vince replied as he flashed one of his killer smiles,
Tom: <Vincent> Did I mention my elaborate cue squirts Smile-X gas?
"see you then." Then he walked off with his cue towards the Snooker tables.
As Ami turned to face Lita, Lita said "Well, you've finally found a sport,
and a complete hunk of a guy, man, it's you're day today."
Joel: Yes, its you're day two bee mixing up awl you're homonyms!
"It sure is," replied Ami, already fantasizing romantically about Vincent.
Crow: <Ami, singing> I'm just wild about Vincent!
Tom: <Ami> Those red eyes, his long black hair, that huge hand gun....
Joel: Wrong Vincent.
Tom: Oops.
* * * *
Joel: Hey, it's my favorite all star line up!
Ami found herself standing outside Phelson's Billiards with
her purse, and her backpack. School had finished for the
day and she had come here alone, as none of her friends were
able to make it.
Crow: <gasps> Y-You mean her classmates actually managed
to pull themselves away from POOL?!? *THE* game of the
GODS?!?
As she walked in the doors, she immediately noticed that the
place had no customers at all,
Tom: Pool, meet 15 Minutes of Fame. 15 Minutes of Fame, this is Pool.
and that Vincent was at table 12 again, setting up a rack of 15 for some
form of exercise.
Joel: 15 what? Tables?
Crow: <chanting> ECW! ECW! ECW!
As he noticed Ami walk in, he waved.
"Hi Ami, glad you could make it," he said as she approached
the table.
Crow: <Ami> Geez, it's freezing in here!
Tom: <Vincent> Yep, cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.
Crow: <groans> Ohhhhh....
Joel: Okay, that's it. I call no more ball jokes from this point on, okay?
Crow: I second that!
"Hi Vince, what are we going to be doing anyway?" Ami
replied as she put her backpack and purse down on a nearby
bar stool.
Joel: <Vince> Normally, we'd be screwing like jackrabbits, this being a
lemon and all, but I figured this time we'd just have some tea and talk.
"Well," Vince said, "follow me."
Crow: <Ami> You ain't big and you ain't no bird, fella.
He began to walk to a door that was past the Snooker tables.
Joel: Only to abruptly make a mad dash to the bathroom, as he had been
playing pool for three days straight....
When he arrived, he produced a key from his front pocket and unlocked
the door. Then he opened it for Ami and motioned for her to enter. As
they entered, the door closed behind them.
Crow: No one will be admitted during the breathtaking DOORWAY sequence!
What was in the room, took her by complete surprise.
All: <singing> Happy Birthday to You! Happy Birthday to You!
The room was about the size of a small bookstore, with 1 Snooker table,
and one 9-Ball table right in the middle.
Tom: Good characterization there. Ami probably WOULD use the size
of a bookstore to measure the size of a room considering the amount of
time she's probably spent in them.
Joel: Wow! I'm impressed, Tom! Good observation!
Crow: Oh, for pete's sake, you were scolding him for ball jokes a few
sentences ago!
Along the walls were endless cues, cases, books, new sets of balls etc.
Crow: <Vincent> Let's see... Don't need cues... Don't need cases... Don't
need books... BINGO!!!
It was a private store.
Joel: Cruise liked to keep his balls to himself.
Crow: Hey! I thought you said....!
Joel: <chuckles> Last one, I promise.
Crow: Hmph.
"Wow," was the only word to escape Ami's lips.
Joel: <word> Freedom at last! I'm off to spread myself silly!
"It's all mine, I own everything in this room; and now I have something
for you."
Crow: <Vincent> It's a slave collar! Hope I got your neck size right....
He pulled a hard black case out from under a counter and handed it to Ami.
As she opened it, she gasped.
Tom: Hmm, I wonder if it's something related to the game of POOL?!?
It was a beautiful two piece 9-Ball cue with a deep blue bottom half,
with a black leather grip, and it had an engraving on it. It said
Crow: "Warning: Not recommended for use as a marital aid."
Tom: "If you can read this, you're about to lose an eyeball...."
Joel: "I break for everybody."
"For Ami, from Vincent, may you discover you're true talent."
Crow: <engraver> Hey, I don't spell check 'em, I just engrave 'em.
Also, in the case, were two blocks of chalk, a BCA pocket rulebook, a
tip repair kit,
Tom: Perfect for those sudden circumcisions that seems to spring out of
nowhere....
and another top half. Ami had no idea what to say, as this was a complete
surprise.
Joel: No, Ami screaming 'POOL! THE DEVIL'S GAME!!!' and stabbing
the pool cue repeatedly into Vincent's head would be a complete surprise.
Crow: Though perfectly understandable under the circumstances.
"Vincent, I have no idea what to say, this is such a surprise; thank you so
much, this is such a great present I have no idea what to say..."
Tom: To recap: She has no idea what to say.
Joel: <singing> Say, say, say what you want... but don't play games with
my affection....
Crow: <Ami> ...I mean, you've only known me for one whole day and you
bought me all this stuff... you must be REALLY desperate for company, huh?
"How about `Vince, teach me to play right now`, does that work?" Vince
replied as Ami shut the case and snapped the latches.
Joel: <Ami> That's it! I'm taking my pool cue and going home! You've
got some nerve! Trying to put words into my mouth like that! That macho
crap ain't gonna get you NOWHERE with me, pal!
"Vincent," she said, "teach me to play right now. Oh and one question..."
"Yes?"
Crow: <Ami> Can I continue to order you around like this?
Tom: <Vincent> Depends. Can you get me a date with Darien after the fic?
Crow: <Ami> Consider it done!
"What was the other top half for? Is it an extra?"
Tom: <Vincent> Nah, the extras all left to check the sheets after the crowd
scene was over.
"No," Vince laughed, "it's for Snooker. Don't worry about that right
now, well just work on 9-Ball, starting with basics like shooting and
cue-ball spin."
Joel: <Ami> Shooting? Okay, I'm sick of being stuck in this lame-o
lemon with a dumb-ass pretty boy and being forced to go gaga over this
unbelievably BORING snoozefest of a sport you call POOL while waiting
for something, ANYTHING, even remotely interesting to happen to me!
Crow: <Vincent> Uh, Ami? Not THAT kind of shooting.
Joel: <Ami> Oh... nevermind then.
"Alright," Ami said motioning towards the door, lets get this show on
the road."
Tom: <Ami> Enough of this pool crap! This lemon needs some spice!
Time for you to strip down to your underwear and start doing the Risky
Business dance while I unbutton my blouse and moan softly on how hot
it's getting in here....
Vincent led Ami back to table 12 where he had set up the 15 balls in
certain spots around the table. Some were in the center, some were over
the pockets and some were on the cushion.
Crow: ...and some were in the kitchen with Dinah.
As Ami took out her cue and began screwing it together, Vincent began
the lesson. "The whole object of any pocket billiard sport, is to sink the
balls. This is the only way anyone can win.
Crow: <Ami> GASP! You're KIDDING?
Tom: <Ami> And what if I took this pool cue, shined that sonabitch up
real nice and stuck it straight up your candy ass?
Joel: <shudders> There's an image I could definately do without....
Crow: All kidding aside, I don't know about you guys, but I've about had
my fill of pool. What's say we skip ahead a few pages? If you smell what
this bot is cooking?
Tom: I'm with him, Jabronie.
Joel: Okay, but only if you both promise to stop the Rocky Miavia impressions.
Crow: Hey, whatever you say, Slapnuts.
Joel: <rolls his eyes> Thanks.
"Aw shit," Ami cursed as she walked over to pick up the ball. Her short
skirt came up as she bent over and Vincent got an excellent view of her
panties.
Crow: And now, ladies and gentlemen... the reason this fanfic was made.
As Ami came back up and whipped her hair back, she smiled at Vince.
"You like what you saw?"
Tom: <Vincent> Yeah! What kind of shampoo do you use to get that natural
bounce? Alberto?
Joel: <Ami> Nope, Pert Plus! It's Shampoo plus Conditioner in one bottle!
"Oh yes, who wouldn't?" Vince replied as he put his cue on the table and
moved closer to Ami. Ami just kept smiling, as she knew what was about
to happen, or hoped what was about to happen.
Tom: <Ami> Major sexual harassment suit in MY favor! Big money!
Woo hoo!
"So," Ami said, looking Vincent in the eyes, "Do we just drop right down
on the floor and go for it?"
Crow: <Vincent> Yeah! Drop on the floor and give me twenty! Now!
Tom: <Vincent> Are you nuts?!? That floor is HARD! Let's get a hotel
with a nice comfortable bed and twenty-four hour room service!
"Actually, Vince smiled back, "I had this table in mind." he said tapping
on the billiard table.
Joel: <Ami> You sure? I'm a maniac, a maniac on the floor....
"I guess we'll get to see how strong slate really is," Ami said
Joel: It's not how strong it is... but whether you can wipe it clean afterwards.
as Vincent drew her into a French kiss and let himself slowly fall back
on the table (remembering to knock the balls to the side first) with Ami
on top...
Tom: Author just can't help making a reference to the balls again.
Joel: <Ami> One more thing before we begin... um... you ARE aware
that I'm in high school and thus jailbait, right?
Crow: <Vincent> W-what? What did you say?
Joel: <Ami> Oh... nothing. It wasn't that important.
* * * *
Crow: Check it out! It's The Hollywood Inch of Fame!
Tom: Well, let's recap the lemon so far. Pool! Then more Pool!
Followed by Pool! Tons O' Pool! Even MORE pool! And, oh yeah,
balls! Lots and lots of balls! <starts getting crazed> Can't get enough
of them balls! And cues! Mustn't forget the cues and the tables and the
extra set of balls! Did I mention this fic has BALLS?!?
Joel: Whoa! Easy, Tom! Don't let the fanfic get to you!
Tom: <dome begins to smoke> Balls... too many balls... not having a ball....
Mina and Serena were driving back to Serena's apartment
Joel: Back from where?
Crow: FINALLY! A change of scenery! I was ready to go as loco as
poor Tommy....
when they felt the "love" shockwave that all the Sailors felt when
someone got lucky.
All: <singing> Love shock! Baby, love shock!
Serena was immediately on the cell phone. First she called, Reeny, to
see if her and Hotaru were getting it on.
"Sorry Mom," Reeny said, "not quite yet."
Tom: <Serena> Well, what's taking you so long?!? I didn't raise my daughter
to be a prude, you know!
Next she called Lita, but her and Raye were practicing some
martial arts and were definitely not having sex right then,
Joel: They had yet to reach the Age of Aquarius.
Tom: So we're just supposed to just assume that most of the Sailor
Senshi are lesbians?
Crow: Hey, why break a long standing tradition in SM lemons?
and why would they, they were two of the three "straight" minority in
the Sailor Senshi at the moment.
Tom: But it wasn't long before they were once again prone to rampant
unbridled lesbianism!
Joel: Howard Stern would be proud.
Serena next thought of calling Haruka and Michiru, but they weren't
exactly in this dimension at the moment.
Tom: So the "love" shockwave can't travel between dimensions?
Crow: Yeah, Haruka and Michiru were too busy in the 5th dimension
guiding planets, steering stars and letting the sunshine in....
She thought she must be becoming ill, and since Ami was training
to become a doctor, she called Ami's cell phone to ask if she knew what
was wrong.
Joel: <Ami> Take two studs and call me in the morning!
Serena got the shock of her life when Ami finally answered.
Crow: <whispers> HELLO, SIDNEY....
Tom: <Serena> The lust is coming from inside the pool hall!
Joel: <Serena> Ami!! I had this strange feeling that you were having sex
now, and thought that it would be a good time for us to chat for a
couple of hours. So... how've you been?
As she answered, she must of dropped the phone, and all she
heard were lusty sexual cries, and the names "Vincent" and
"Ami" being said over and over,
Crow: <Ami> Vincent.
Joel: <Vincent> Ami.
Crow: <Ami> Vincent.
Joel: <Vincent> Ami.
Tom: <Ami> Greg... uh, I mean, Vincent.
Joel: <Vincent> Andrew... er, I mean, Ami.
as well as some phrases like "harder, fuck me harder", and "oh, I love
you, that feels so good."
Tom: Along with the occasional "BOOOMSHACALAKA!"....
Serena was beside herself. She began soaking her panties with love
juices right there
Tom: Ewwwww... wouldn't hot water and soap be more sanitary?
Crow: Just don't ask what she uses for a scrub brush....
Joel: <facefaults out of his chair>
and immediately hung up, but it was too late. Mina had smelled it,
and began to drive like a mad-woman to get home
Crow: <Mina> AHHHHHH!!! MY BRAND NEW LEATHER INTERIOR!!!
I'M GOING TO *KILL* YOU, SERENA!!!
so that she and Serena could make love.
Crow: Oh.
Joel: <gets back in his chair> I think you're due for another time-out, Crow....
Crow: <whistles innocently while staring up at the ceiling>
"Mina, slow down," Serena screamed as Mina wove the car in and out
of traffic, "it's not like we'll never fuck again or something."
Tom: <Serena> Not to mention the pedestrians bouncing off our hood
might appreciate it!
Crow: <Mina> NO! We're going too slow as it is!
Tom: <Serena, panicked> L-Let me put this another way... Do you
r-remember a certain movie by David Cronenberg about c-car
crashes...?!?
"Serena, I want you now! If Ami's getting some then damn it, so should I!"
Joel: <Mina> Hang on, Serena, I'm taking us right to... LUDICROUS SPEED!!!
Tom: <gasps in horror>
Crow: Moments later, Mina screamed as she lost control of the car. There
was the sound of squealing tires and suddenly the picture went black as
the sound of a horrific crash could be heard....
Tom: Wow, nice soap opera cliffhanger moment there, Crow! And good timing,
cause it's time for us to go!
Crow: <announcer> Stay tuned for scenes from the next "9-Ball Dreams" right
after these messages....
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater)
TO BE CONTINUED IN 9-BALL DREAMS PT. 2....
Hiya! I hope you're enjoying this MSTing so far because the best is yet to
come as Joel and the bots find themselves facing a serious crisis, one that
could spell the end of the Satellite of Love! As with my other two part
MSTings, There's lots more to come in the second part so don't skip it or
you'll only be missing out on some great riffs. ;)