Just a few quick comments.
Rhea Seraph wrote:
Asuka woke to the taste of pine tar and gagged
instinctively. Her whole body ached, and she felt cold.
The silk sheets were cold but soothing to the touch, and the
bed she was in was quite comfortable. Once she regained full
consciousness, she realized she was also quite naked, except
for her bra, her panties, and her socks. What kinda weird
hospital is this?, she asked herself.
Is the comma after the question mark really appropriate?
"Don't be a crackbaby, Shinji," Asuka said. "This
A crackbaby?
The dining room was small, but dignified, with a
single round table of mahogany with ivory inlays set with
five places. The walls were simple blue paneling, and the
table had a beautiful five candle candleabra in the middle,
five-candle
"The King in Yellow transformed and blighted our
race, turning them into his servants. New gifts he gave
them, to turn aside weapons and to fly through the void, but
he blighted their dreams and brought them under his sway,
Suggest another word in place of the second 'blighted' to avoid repetition -
perhaps 'trammeled' but that changes the sentence meaning.
He hooded the lantern, and they returned to normal.
The maze did not return, and he stood up. "What the...that
was seriously funky." The memory of it was dimming rapidly,
Suggest: What the....That was
As if on cue, the doors swung open, and shambling
rotting corpses shuffled out, arms held forward. Touji
swore, "Great, night of the damn living dead. Zombie movies
are for watching, not living. And they stink like a rotten
egg."
Suggest: like rotten eggs."
The zombies began to moan and mumble as they
advanced. Touji hefted the spear and got ready to defend
himself with the shield. "Brains...brains......" he
muttered, then said more loudly, "Well, if they're after
brains, you're safe, Langely."
I'm sure you're tired of people pointing this out, but... it's 'Langley'.
Asuka drew the flaming sword. "Bite me, Suzuhara."
"Where would you like it?" Touji said, leering.
"Get out of the way, your highness, or I'll poke you
with my magic spear," Touji said. Geez, that sounds stupid,
he thought.
King Genji: Sorry. I don't swing that way.
And that should be 'your majesty'.
The dungeons were the next level above the crypts.
There was a central room from which a staircase ran down to
the crypts and another one ran upwards to the palace proper.
The room was roughly circular, though not very skillfully
made, and five long hallways radiated out from it at equal
intervals. One of them had collapsed and was choked with
rubble. Moanings and wailings and meepings and beepings and
scratchings and many other noises echoed down each of the
four which were still passable, although clearly the dungeon
had seen better days for maintenance.
That last sentence doesn't really make sense - the two parts don't relate all
that well. I suggest splitting it into two sentences.
"Next. BLEAH."
Suggest: "BLEAH. Next."
Touji started quickly scanning up and down the
corridor. "Looks this is just freak show 2."
Touji's words don't make sense.
Touji clenched his fists and cursed to the heavens.
Heavens: Our apologies. Since you're not on Earth, your curse cannot be
registered.
"I will NEVER serve you!" Cassilda shouted, drawing
her scythe. The Regent gestured and a block of amber formed
around her, freezing her in that pose.
Heh. Instant trophy.
Touji saw Asuka vanish beneath the waves, and saw
what had struck her, standing over much of the ruins of the
city, which had largely crumbled to dust and washed away in
the rush of the waters that were now receding into the lake.
It was hundreds of feet tall, able likely to step on an EVA
'able to likely' or 'likely able to'
Touji felt his stomach start to churn again.
"What... hey, wait a minute! I went through all this shit
for nothing?"
Touji needs to learn the instant Pepto spell. I suspect his stomach will be
churning a lot from now on. :)
Kensuke patted his friend on the shoulder. "Hey, if
you didn't do it, I would've been stuck in there forever. My
body's gone anyway, so I couldn't even if I wanted to."
'couldn't go back even...'?
"I'd say you won. You freed Kensuke. I guess we
may need to have Ritsuko run a few tests on Touji,
assuming... Hmm, makes me wonder if there's 'Inner Gods'."
Evangelion Moon? Augh!
"Perhaps his cult made a bargain," Fuyutsuki
replied. He ran a finger across one of the stanzas. "And
lo, the Key and the Gate comes. None may master him, yet he
hesitates not to stoop to conquer. He is the Opener of the
Way, and with its opening, his fellows shall look forth and
gaze upon this world. Woe to those who gaze back."
Suggest: "'And lo, the... gaze back.'" to reinforce the fact that he is
quoting.
"The VR scenarios should be ready to run the
Children through within a day or two.
I suggest a change in wording of this sentence. As is, it reads as though the
VR scenarios will be stabbing the Children with knives or something. :)
Another great chapter. Even without knowing much about the Cthulhu mythos, I
find myself enthralled by the excellent descriptions and wording, and the
great story-telling. Well done.
Phil.