"And now, a warning from a Pokemon."
Bulbasaur: Bulba! Bulbasaur! Saur saur!
"And now, our feature presentaion..."
[To the tune of the MST3k theme, natch]
"In the not too distant future
Circa-- Um... give me a second...
Aw crap! Cut the music!
We're really sorry, KRP KanRi's music department isn't very good...
In fact, it downright sucks. As well does the rea--" *BLAM!*
"Now how's THAT for an opening? AH HAHAHAHAHA!!!"
=Mystery Kanri Theater 665,000=
(Somewhere far up in... Well... Okay, Canada. Petes' house)
Petes: *singing* I say 'hell', you say 'yeah'! Hell. Yeah. Hell. Yeah!
Erika: *whap* Hey Snoop, show's on.
Petes: *faces the webcam* Oh hi there! Welcome to the show.
I am Petes Detenbeck, the only man who WCW isn't pushing!
Erika: Nope... That might be too obscure for non-wrestling fans?
Petes: Okay... The only man who will admit to listening to Prozzak!
Erika: Americans won't get it.
Petes: Fine, what do you have to suggest?
Erika: *Petes impression* "The only man to not buy Gold Digger
comics for them purdy pictures!"
Petes: Not bad.
Erika: Thanks. *ahems* And I am Erika Kanri, the only girl to buy
Gold Digger for the pretty pictures! ^_^
Petes: Well I gues we shou-- *double take* Whaa?!
Erika: What? I can't oogle Stryyp's butt?
Petes: Point taken. *hits enter key* Start the fic!
W*ING Higley Presents:
Petes: A W*ING Higley picture! Written by W*ING Higley. Directed by
W*ING Higley. Casted by W*ING Higley. And starring.. W*ING Higley!
Erika: Is his name so offencive that he has to censor it?
�Kasumi�s Affliction�
Petes: Wooo! A "Kasumi gets cancer fic"! ^o^
Chop, chop, chop.
�PERVERT!�
Petes: I take it Akane wasn't turned on by Ranma's suggestion of a
Paul Bunion roleplay?
Chop, chop, chop.
�UNCUTE, MACHO, TOMBOY!�
Chop, chop, chop.
Erika: Dig! Dig!
WHACK! SLAM! CRASH! SPLASH!
Chop, chop, chop.
Kasumi Tendo smiled. Of course, she always smiled.
Petes: Thank god. If she didn't she's be one surley lookin' ditz.
Erika: *Deniro* Ey, you talkin' to me Ranma-san? Do I amuse you?
Do I bake you cookies or sumthin'? Ah?!
Ever prior to her mother�s death, she was always referred to as �that
strange, happy child� by her mother�s friends. But no, today, her
smile was particularly bright and cheery. This was not lost on Ranma
girl-type as she made her way from the koi pond into the kitchen.
Petes: *Kid Rock* I'm strait out of the koi pond! I'm strait out of the
trailer!
�Hey Kasumi.�
�Why good morning Ranma, did you and Akane have another fight?�
Erika: Nah! They always complement each other that way!
�Yeah, I wish she�d stop being so sensitive about her cooking. I mean,
most people would be proud to be compared to one of them master chef
guys on �The Iron Chef.��
Petes: *Ozzy* I-AM-IRON-CHEF!!!
�What master chef did you compare her to?�
Erika: That nasty guy in that brit-com, Chef?
Petes: Well they do have similar dispositions... Only he can cook.
�Oh, well, they had on this homeless guy from America,
Erika: *Kasumi* There's homeless in America?
Petes: *Ranma* Yeah! I was surprised too!
and he was explainin� to the host about how he took garbage and made
it into meals,
Petes: He was an employee at Burger King?
I think it was a comedy segment, and anyways I said that Akane should
go on the show an challenge the homeless guy, at least she might have
a chance of winning.�
�Now Ranma,� Kasumi said as she took a kettle from the stove and
poured it over her future brother-in-law,
Erika: Mmm! The new Tetley flavour! ^_^
�how many times have I told you that you must be nicer to Akane. You
know she�s very sensitive.�
Petes: *Ranma* Expessially to heat! You got a dustpan?
�Yeah, yeah.�
�Now, I want you to go apologize.�
Petes: *Ranma* Aw! Why can't the Pope do it? He seems to really like it!
Ranma sulked and headed back into the living room as Kasumi returned
to chopping her onions. She continued to smile.
Chop, chop, chop.
It had been a trying year for the Tendo family, Kasumi thought.
As Kasumi continued chopping, she suddenly felt a familiar urge
develop in her stomach.
Petes: The urge... TO PURGE!
Erika: So that's her affliction, huh? Bulemia.
As the feeling began to spread, Kasumi frowned.
Erika: *Kasumi* Uh oh... It's one of those "not so fresh" days...
Slowly, Kasumi�s smile returned, only it seemed to gain a malicious
edge to it.
*****
Sleeping on a bedroll is not the most pleasant experience in the
world, even for the world�s greatest martial artist.
Petes: *Narrator* But there are worst rolls for a martial artist to
sleep on...
Such as on a cabbage roll.
�Quit tossing boy, I�m trying to get some sleep.� Ranma noted that
Genma was his usual grouchy self tonight.
�Stuff it pops, I�m in no mood for your crap tonight.� Ranma grabbed
a glass of water next to his futon and dumped in on Genma, smirking as
his father shifted into panda form.
�Now be quiet and get some sleep.�
As with any martial artist, Ranma always slept lightly so that be
ready for any impending attack. So it was with some surprise that, as
he sat up to see who had just snuck into the guest room, he saw
Kasumi.
�Kasumi, what are you doing here?�
Erika: *Kasumi* The Worm! Whoo!
Kasumi smiled. �Oh nothing much, Ranma. Just this.�
Kasumi�s smile gained that malicious edge to it as she whipped out a
giant butcher knife and swung at Ranma.
Petes: Kasumi? Trying to kill Ranma? Wow! Now where did
such a notion come from?! ^_^
*****
�AAAIIIGGH!!!�
Soun, Akane and Nabiki shuddered in the hallway as they heard Ranma�s
inhuman cry of pain. Akane was sobbing.
Erika: As you can see, one out of every three people react differently
to Ranma's inhuman screams.
Petes: Statistics are fun!
�Why daddy? Why can�t we take her to the police? Why do we have to
keep bringing these �fianc�es� in every six months just to satisfy
Kasumi�s bloodlusts?�
Petes: *Soun* You see Akane.. There are all kinds of fish in the sea..
Some are big, others have weird things coming out of their heads that
help them see at deep levels. Do you understand now?
Erika: *Akane* No. You're just confusing me.
Petes: *Soun* Good!
�I�m sorry Akane. But I promised your mother that I would never allow
any one of you to be imprisoned. After your grandfather was killed in
an American P.O.W. camp in World War II, your mother gained a deep
fear of prisons and made me swear that none of you would ever be
behind bars.�
�But this?�
�Engaging you and Nabiki multiple times was the only way your mother
and I could think of to lure people here who would never be missed by
the police.
Erika: Seems like the perfect crime.
Petes: Except for the fact that such screams would be heard for
blocks... But what the hell! ^_^
By the time, Nabiki was born, the doctors had already figured out that
Kasumi was psychotic.�
Petes: *Soun* So it seemed only logical that the sane daughters should
be subjected to losing possible loves.
Erika: *Akane* Dad, you never thought this through, did you?
Petes: *Soun* ...........Lemme tell you about the fish again.
�Growf?"
Soun shuddered again as he heard his old friend wake up in confusion.
�Now excuse me, I have to call Masaki in Okayama and tell them that
Nabiki is ready to honor her engagement to his son, Tenchi.�
Petes: Kill Tenchi! The smartest thing I've heard so far!
As Sound hurried out of the room, Nabiki wondered, just what, exactly,
did the death cries of a panda sound like. She would soon find out.
Petes: It sounds something like this... ARRROOOWWWAAA GGGHHH!
TA TA TA! YE CHEN! GAHGAHTHISISCNN! HAROOO!!! ^_^
Erika: The fact that Nabiki is pondering over the sounds of a Panda in
his
death throws doesn't exactly make me feel that she's any more sane...
*****
The next day:
�Hello.� The young man looked nervous, Kasumi noted. He was about 17
with short, spiky hair.
�My name�s Tenchi Masaki, is Nabiki here?�
�Oh, you�re her fianc�e, come in, come in.�
�Uh, thank you.. Say, something sure smells good.�
Erika: *kasumi* Oh shoot! I thought I changed my Rotting Flesh
Glade Plugin!
Kasumi returned to her cutting board.
�Yes, we�re having panda burgers for dinner tonight.�
�Panda burgers, I�ve never heard of that before.�
Erika: *Kasumi* AND YOU NEVER WILL AGA-- Erm, I mean...
Oh my? ^_^;
Petes: *Tenchi* I'm... Gonna just go...
�Oh, it�s a family specialty.� Kasumi smiled.
Chop, chop, chop.
*****
Author�s Comments: Kasumi meets Lizzy Borden, I guess. This one does
have some series potential to it, as I could have Kasumi go to various
other anime series and whack everyone, kinda like Michael Myers, but
with a sweet disposition.
Petes: He has a wonderful personality! Haven't you seen him in
Austin Powers?
Erika: Not THAT Mike Myers... -_-
We don�t really see many �Kasumi the Psycho� stories,
Petes & Erika: ...... *blink blink*
Petes: What?
Erika: Has this guy been in a box?
though I must recommend �Kasumi Gets Kidnapped� by Jack Staik and Lady
Tesser. C&C can be sent, as always, to skywarp@cephiro.com.
Ranma and company trademark and copyright 1996 in Japan by Rumiko
Takahashi.
Trademark and copyright 2000 in America by Viz Communications on
behalf of Ms. Takahashi.
Tenchi Masaki and friends trademark and copyright 1999 in Japan &
America by AIC & Pioneer LTD.
The Iron Chef trademark and copyright 2000 in America by The Food
Network.
W*ING and the W*ING logo trademark and copyright 1994 by Victor
Quinones and Mickey Iberagi.
Petes: Is it done?
Erika: Yeah.
Petes: Wow... We are SO outta practice!
Erika: *nods* Yeah, we better start flipping trough lemons and get
back to our former glory.
Petes: Whatever that was! ^_^
Erika: *waves* Ja ne!
Petes: Until next time!
*Closing credits (ALL TWO!) pass the screen as the closing theme plays*
"No authors were harmed in the making of this edition and no offence is
intended. Petes and Erika are the property of Peter Detenbeck and
KRP KanRi."
--Petes
http://members.spree.com/sip/petes88/rpml2025main.html