--
SPOILER ALERT - The following fan-fiction contains spoilers. It is
advised that you see the entire series before reading this fic.
--
This fan fiction is adapted from Neon Genesis Evangelion, produced by
Gainax. All characters thereof are the sole property of Gainax. They are
used without permission and no claim on them is made by this author.
--
I am Myself
by Chris Burke
--
Lie still, little bottle.
Don't twist it and twist in time.
With every move you make
you just disintegrate
my ever troubled mind.
-- They Might be Giants
--
In a back corner of Toyko-3 stood a series of run-down apartment
buildings. These were not the sleek, efficient, retractable buildings of
the rest of the city. These were hulking, decaying monoliths of cracked
cement and rusting steel. They had escaped the demolition that all other
such monstrosities had suffered due solely to budget constraints and
their remote location. Their days were numbered, however. Already the one
nearest the city had been imploded and a new, modern structure was rising
from the rubble.
Within one of the buildings, on the fourth floor, ran a long dark
hall with grey, cracked paint. Few of the lights worked, and those that
did buzzed and flickered incessantly. Refuse left by tenants who had long
since vacated the decrepit building littered the hall.
Behind one of the many doors in the hall was the only occupied
apartment in the entire building. It was just as dirty as all the
abandoned rooms. The small signs of habitation - the working
refrigerator, the dishes on it, the clothes lying about the room - only
emphasized the dirt.
On the bed before the window lay the apartment's occupant. She lay
on her back, breathing peacefully. She stirred, her hand reflexively
rubbed her nose, then she lay still again. Moments later the alarm on the
dresser went off. Her face tightened, as though dreading the onset of
consciousness. Then, Ayanami Rei awoke.
She groaned as she sat up. She rubbed her eyes. She sat there, just
resting and waiting for her brain to come fully online. As she woke up,
she stretched her arms above her head and arched her back. She let out a
soft moan.
Rei winced as her feet touched the cold floor of her apartment. She
stepped lightly over to her slippers, and walked into the bathroom.
Rei walked out of the bathroom and over to her dresser. She turned
off the alarm clock, then went back into the bathroom.
She stepped out of her slippers and into the shower. She turned on
the water, shivering in the cold until the hot water caught up. She let
out a long sigh, and let the water run over her. Standing there under the
stream she watched the patterns the rivulets of water made on her body.
She followed them until they met the mass of water by her feet, swirling
towards the drain. It struck he as being a little sad. Each drop was
destined to end in the same place, carried by the rush of all the others.
There was no choice, and no avoiding the final outcome. She pondered this
for a moment, then brushed away such morose thoughts. She would think of
sadness some other time, but not now for a simple reason:
Today was going to be a wonderful day.
Rei leaned her head back, letting the water hit her in the face, and
smiled.
Yes, it would be a wonderful day. She would get to see the Commander
after school. During school, she would get to see Ikari-kun. Between
would be an irritating visit with Dr. Akagi, but getting to be with the
two most important people in the world to her more than made up for it.
Rei picked up a wash-cloth and the soap, and began to clean herself.
Ikari-kun. Just seeing his face would make her day. She hoped he
would smile at her like he sometimes did. If he would smile at her, she
would nearly cry with joy. Everything he said and did for her was
precious. She would do anything to be near him, to see him smiling at
her. She would do anything for him, because she loved him.
The words struck her. Loved him. Of course she loved Shin-chan. She
had loved him for a long time. Since the Fifth Angel she had loved him,
and had loved him more every day since. Why then did it feel as though
she had just realized it? No, it wasn't that she now knew that she loved
him... It was that
_he_ still didn't know!
Today then. Today she must tell him. She didn't know why she hadn't
already, but that wasn't important. The error would be corrected. She
would declare her love, and she knew with absolute certainty that he
would accept it, and love her back.
Such a thing must be done correctly, though. She could send him a
message, tell him to ask to go to the bathroom. She could follow him, and
then in the hallway... No, not enough privacy, and not enough time. But
she knew how she could get both. Her smile became a grin.
She would tell him to come over to her apartment sometime after she
was done with the Commander. She would tell him she needed to talk to him
about... his father? Yes, that would work. Behind closed doors, she would
tell him she loved him. Then she'd put her arms around him, and their
lips would meet. Her mouth would show him her love. Locked together in a
passionate embrace, she would lead him to her bed and...
Rei realized that she had dropped her wash-cloth, and her hands had
found their way to her breasts. <No, no... You don't time for that,> she
chided herself. <You have to get to school.> She reluctantly picked up
the wash-cloth and resumed washing.
To keep herself from becoming too distracted, she thought about
Asuka. The Second Child clearly was not a fan of the First. Rei wasn't
sure why that was so, but she imagined it must be her own fault. She
recalled being cold to Asuka on more than one occasion. Asuka wasn't that
bad, really. From her friendship with Horaki it seemed like she could be
pretty nice, if given a chance. She was just misunderstood. Rei decided
that today she would make an effort to be nice to the red-head. Shinji
would probably like that.
Suddenly an alarming possibility occurred to Rei. What if Asuka too
held unexpressed feelings for Shinji? That would be trouble. She had to
beat Asuka to him. Once they were together, the Second would be too
embarrassed to make a move. Even better, if she could make Asuka into a
friend instead of a rival, then she could solve two problems at once.
Yes, everything will be wonderful.
Rei got out of the shower, and returned to her room. She laid out
her clothes on her bed, then began to dress. She wiggled into her
panties, mourning that she had nothing more interesting than plain white
cotton. But perhaps it was better not to totally blow her Shin-chan's
mind all at once. He probably still thought of her as a reserved, shy
girl.
She put on the rest of her clothes. She finished dressing by pulling
the frock over her head and adjusting the shoulders. She grabbed her bag
and headed for the door. She was almost to it when she saw the piece of
paper taped to the door on which was written:
Take your medication.
--Ayanami Rei
Rei sighed, and returned to her room. In her excitement, she had
forgotten all about her medication. She had been very forgetful lately.
She couldn't even remember writing the odd note. <Why would I sign a note
to myself?> She shrugged, and used the beaker of water to swallow a pill
from each of the child-proof bottles. Then she turned and rushed out the
door.
The bleak hallway did nothing to damper her spirits. She strode down
the hallway toward the stairs, and hummed a happy tune to herself she
couldn't remember having heard before. <By the end of the night,> she
promised herself, grinning, <I'll finally be able to compare father and
son.>
Several minutes later, the front door to the apartment building
opened and Ayanami Rei staggered unwillingly into the sunlight. She
squinted and shielded her eyes from the bright morning sun with her hand.
She kept her hand up, and pressed it against her throbbing temple. Head
down, she began to walk slowly toward school.
As she walked, the pain began to recede. She was halfway to school
when the headache finally vanished. Rei lowered her hand, and walked with
her normal brisk pace. Her head was upright, her eyes straight ahead, and
her face the expressionless mask that others identified as Ayanami Rei.
--
Rei sat quietly on a folding chair beside a table inside one of the
many laboratories deep within NERV. Standing at the table, Dr. Akagi
Ritsuko watched the vial filled with blood she had just drawn from the
First Child spin in the centrifuge. The silence had been unbroken for
nearly an hour when Rei spoke.
"She came again," Rei announced flatly.
Ritsuko stopped the centrifuge and looked down at Rei. "What? When?"
she asked with concern.
"This morning, when I woke up."
The Doctor grabbed a chair and sat down facing Rei. This was the
second time this week it had happened, which meant it was happening more
often. "Rei, tell me what happened."
"She was... in control as soon as I awoke. I had prepared, though,
and she took the pills. They worked quickly. By the time I left the
building, I was myself." She delivered the synopsis in her usual
monotone, but her hand clenching the hem of her dress betrayed her
feelings.
"Were there any side effects?" Ritsuko asked.
"I experienced a headache immediately after. It was short-lived."
"I'm glad it worked," Ritsuko said. "I wasn't sure if it would. The
drug is a stabilizer, designed to be preventative." She rubbed her chin
and thought. "Though clearly not doing its job well enough. We should
consider increasing the dosage."
"That would be acceptable," Rei said.
"You might get more headaches though," Ritsuko warned, though she
knew it would not dissuade the First Child at all. "How much do you
remember this time?"
Rei was silent for a moment. "Everything," she said softly.
Ritsuko nodded a little sadly, and decided not to press her. From
talking with Rei it seemed that the second personality had only fuzzy
memory of what happened when Rei was in control, and was not aware of the
first personality. Rei appeared to have complete recollection of the
second personality. Generally these were memories Rei did not wish to
remember. Ritsuko had asked only to see if the medication had changed her
ability to remember.
Ritsuko remembered when she had seen the change firsthand. Rei had
been in the dummy system while Ritsuko was going about her business. Out
of the blue, Rei had commented on how pretty the doctor was. Shocked,
Ritsuko had asked her what she meant. Rei had said that Ms. Ibuki also
thought she was pretty. Then she giggled. Ayanami Rei giggled.
For the next two hours, Ritsuko had refused to let the girl out of
the tank. Over that time she had become both fascinated and horrified at
what she was seeing. Without warning the toothy grin the girl sported had
vanished, to be replaced by a look of wide-eyed fear. Ritsuko ascertained
that the main personality was back, and let her out of the tank. Rei had
been shaking badly. It had taken Ritsuko an hour to calm her down enough
to answer questions.
"So you will increase the dosage." It was a statement.
"Yes, I will, Rei," she said. "Though I'm not sure it will work. The
last increase didn't help prevent this attack."
"It must work," Rei said.
"Rei, we must accept that the drug may not be the solution." The
Doctor leaned forward. "You know I am not an expert in this area. I can
only work from what I know about you and the project."
Her current theory was that there was some contamination from the
dummy system. It was possible that a pattern that was not Rei's was
leaking backward and affecting her mind. Her attempts to find such a leak
had failed, but the system was complicated and not of her own design. If
the leak was small, then it would explain the difficulty in finding it.
This would also explain why Rei's condition didn't manifest earlier, and
why it seemed to slowly be overcoming the drug.
The theory worked nicely, and fit well within her field of
expertise. Yet it was not perfect, and the imperfections worried her. The
contamination could only come from a pattern that existed in the system
before and still remained in a residual form. The only such pattern
possible was that of Rei I. She didn't know much about the first clone,
but she did know that the alternate personality had done things unlike a
six-year-old girl of any description. Things that gave Ritsuko personal
incentive to solve this problem.
This opened the possibility that it had little or nothing to do with
the dummy system at all. The problem could be entirely within Rei
herself. "Perhaps a psychologist-"
Rei cut her off. "We have already discussed that," she said, a touch
of irritation in her voice.
"I know, Rei, but I was thinking there must be some way to do it
surreptitiously."
"Dr. Akagi," Rei said, looking at her, "the Commander must not
know."
"Of course," Ritsuko said reassuringly. "I promised that I would not
let him know, and I meant that. You know there are secrets I keep from
him."
Rei nodded, seeming satisfied.
"But Rei, you have to acknowledge that he might suspect after..."
"He does not," Rei said, turning away. It was clear what Dr. Akagi
was speaking of, and Rei did not like being reminded of that night. The
night when the person who was not her had taken control while she was
eating dinner with the Commander. When that person had used her body to
seduce the man she most respected. She had returned to herself during it.
He had noticed her body become stiff and her eyes clinch shut in pain
just as he finished. He had staggered back, looking at her in horror at
what he had done.
They had never spoken about that night, yet now all their meetings
were marred by tension. No longer would he place his hand comfortingly on
her shoulder. Whenever he smiled at her, Rei could see guilt carved
deeply into his face. She could hear it when he said her name. For this
she would never forgive the intruder into her mind.
"Rei," Ritsuko said and got off her chair to kneel in front of the
girl. "I understand you don't want to involve a psychologist. But we
already know that the drug isn't one hundred percent effective. At the
higher dosage it still may not be. What happens if she comes when you are
at school? Or in front of the Commander again?"
"Dr. Akagi..." Rei's voice was barely audible. "Dr. Akagi, you must
find another way. A way to get rid of her. She... she was going to...
Ikari-kun..."
"I will do my best." She stood up. "As you know, the project is my
highest priority. I will make this second. Does that sound acceptable?"
"Yes, sir," Rei said, recovering her composure.
"You can go now; I'll finish the rest myself. You can double your
dosage tomorrow, and next time you are here I will have a refill for
you."
"Yes, sir," Rei said as she stood up. She walked to the door of the
lab. "Goodbye," she said, and left the lab in the direction of the
Commander's office.
Rei walked briskly down the hall. She wanted to see the Commander,
but was nervous. She wished she knew how to make things right again, and
how to do it without telling him about
/her/. She could not tell him,
though she wasn't exactly sure why. It was just a feeling she had.
She wished she knew what was happening to her. There didn't seem to
be anything she could do; everything rested in Dr. Akagi's hands. This
didn't alarm Rei by itself. Commander Ikari had trust in Ritsuko's
abilities, so Rei did as well. If anyone could help her, it would be Dr.
Akagi. Still she felt helpless and afraid.
Rei stopped in the middle of the hallway, with a puzzled look on her
face. She had forgotten where she was going. She remembered being with
Dr. Akagi... which meant that now she should be headed to dinner with the
Commander. <How could I have forgotten dinner with Gen-chan?>
Ever more important, she remembered, were her plans after dinner.
She smiled as visions of the night's activities moved through her mind.
Her excitement grew, and she had to suppress the urge to run down the
hall to the cafeteria. <Control yourself,> she thought. <There will be
plenty of time to release energy later. And maybe during dinner...> She
grinned as she walked.
--
end
first posted 3/25/2000
wyrm@engin.umich.edu
http://www.umich.edu/~wyrm/abp