Hi!
On Mon, 20 Mar 2000 19:31:18 Sailor Ranma wrote:
Glass Moon
By: Sailor Ranma
Diclaimer applies: I don't own these characters, don't sue....blah, blah, blah....
C & C welcome
A few days late... but just as welcome, one hopes ^_^;; Take everything I say with a grain of salt, and if you don't agree, feel free to ignore me with impunity!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking at my wedding ring, I sigh unhappily. My husband was off
is off
in America completing
his college courses while I was
while I am
stuck here, alone and lonely.
Oh what I wouldn't give for my Mamo-chan to be here, holding me gently as he whispers
How about:
holding me gently and whispering
sweet nothings in my ear. Washing away the dirty fears that coat me like oil when my friends
comment on how much like the Princess I was
am
becoming. More and more now, I would hear
the whispers and oh did they
hurt.
How about:
More and more now, I hear their whispers and oh do they hurt.
I didn't
don't
want to become Her. I wanted
want
to stay me, not a
How about:
I want to stay Me. Not a
creature from my past, but little
Usagi, daughter of Tsukino Kenji and Ikiku.
I thought it was Ikuko. Of course, since I am basing this off a half-remembered website I read two years ago, I could very well be absolutely wrong on this ^_^;;
Even now, I can feel her mind fighting me, my mind trying to stay in control
How about:
my mind trying desperately to stay in control
while hers
tries to dominate me, force away the part of me called Self.
The silver tresses on my head and they
the
graceful sway of my hips as I walk betray how
much of a leeway she has gotten on me.
how much of a hold she has gotten over me.
(I don't think 'leeway' is quite the word you were looking for...?)
Yesterday, I even found myself with an A on a
Algebra test.
Oh my! I'm crying again. The pain of my lonliness
loneliness
is nothing compared to the pain now
accosting my head as I try once more to fight Serenity off.
My wings flicker in and out of reality, my royal symbol bursting into light on my
forehead as I struggle. Looking in the mirror, her face sneers at my efforts.
The bonds I hold on Her mind are stretching...I can feel it...
How about:
The defenses I have against Her mind are stretching... I can feel them weakening....
No!
This is my mind, my life!
Memories of my friends and family wash over me, a healing balm on my throbbing
concience.
conscience.
Reveling in the warmth of each of the special times,
How about:
While I revel in the warmth of each of these special moments,
she began
begins
the second
onslaught.
Each filagree
filigree
bubble is popped and each memory receeds,
recedes,
unable to answer my call.
When all drift away,
When all have drifted away,
a single emotion cloaks my suddenly fragile brain.
I'd use 'mind' here instead of 'brain' but that's probably just personal preference.
Bitter truth
creeps into my heart.
Neo-Queen Serenity was graceful, had silver hair and wings, naver
never
made a
mistake, never forgot herself...
herself....
I was
am
going to become Neo-Queen Serenity.
You've switched over completely into past tense here. Intentional? I'll assume not.
As I gave
give
up in defeat, I cursed
curse
Fate's heavy hand on my shoulder and a single
tear slides down pallid cheeks.
I never realized till now how much the freedom that I always fought for meant...
means to me...
till now, when I was
when I am
about to lose it.
Thinking about the small seed of light inside me, I cried
cry
harder. Whispering
prayers to Kami-sama to keep my light, my baby from Her clutches. Dear
Kami please!
Kami, please!
And when the inky darkness and warmth of oblivion came, I thought no more.
comes, I think
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<ring>
"Moshi-moshi?"
It would be a good idea to add a glossary of Japanese words to the end of the fic, if you intend to use them in the text.
A gentle voice asked throught
asks through
the line.
"Usako, I'm on the plane home. Can you bring the car and come meet me?"
"Of course beloved.
course, beloved.
Oh, and Endymion, call me Serenity from now on, please."
"<pause>Whatever
I would write it out instead:
There was a pause. "Whatever
makes you happy, love."
"I'll see you in a couple hours then.'
hours, then."
"Ashiteru
"Ai shiteru,
(and don't forget a glossary!)
Serenity-chan."
"Ashiteru
"Ai shiteru,
Endymion."
<click>
As Serenity picked
picks
up the plain white dress, she sat and began
sits and begins
to sew small
pearls on it. Usagi had always wanted to learn how to sew.
Serenity carressed
caresses
her abdomen.
::I'll keep you here
here,
little one...Only
one...only
as a parting favor.::
~~~~~~~~~~
And out in the deep silence of space, another crack, slightly larger then
than
the others, appears on the milky whiteness of the moon. Beware the
shards of glass that pierce deep the heart.
Beware the Serpent carrying the bloody rose.
Neat. Very neat. This sounds like a prologue; I'll definitely be looking out for more of this series ^_^
But I'd switch over to past tense; just a recommendation. It's easier to keep up.
Megan Jones kunitori@licensedtokill.com
A Midsummer Night's WebSite: http://i.am/midsummer
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